This is long, but I don't want to drip feed...
I share my three children with my ex-husband, who has them every other weekend and one evening a week for tea. He lives around 40 mins away and is in the process of buying a house further away with his new fiancée.
Our eldest suffers dreadfully with social anxiety and panic attacks, which were triggered by having to go to her dad's house for a long time, although this has improved recently. On occasion she's felt unable to go and stay there, and I've had to talk her through a panic attack over the phone many times as her dad just doesn't understand (or try to understand) her anxiety. There are other problems there as well, such as him getting her to help out with her younger brothers and then accusing her of acting too much like me, not making her feel heard and making all activities and films centred around what he and the boys want to do. He's told her that in the new house her bedroom will have to double up as the spare room for guests, which has made her feel like she doesn't matter.
This weekend she called me in the midst of a terrible panic attack, which had already been going on for an hour. This is the first time she and her brothers have been with their dad for 2.5 weeks, as he's been on holiday with his fiancée (they got engaged there, so this is very recent for the kids to get used to). They were at a family party for the fiancée's 40th birthday, so lots of people there. The party, combined with having been away from her dad for so long and the new engagement, was too much for DD to cope with, and triggered this panic attack.
Her dad's response was to get cross with her, and instead of taking her somewhere quiet to work through it with him, she had the option of staying in the open-plan house where everyone could see her, or sit in the car. She chose the car, where he carried on being cross with her, then closed the door and walked off with the keys, effectively locking her in (automatic locking).
When she called me in a terrible state, I knew I had to go to her as she'd already been suffering for an hour, but she didn't know the address beyond the city they were in. I called my ex, said was going to come to her and sit with her in my car until she was feeling ok again, and he refused to tell me where they were. I argued with him for a good 10 minutes, explaining that she wasn't doing this on purpose and had got to the point of needing me, until he finally relented and sent me the address. I drove to her, we sat in the car for a while until she was ok enough to go back to the house (as I knew she would with the right support) and came home.
She called me earlier and said that he dad has spoken to her today and told her that his fiancée was upset by yesterday and that DD needed to apologise. I'm absolutely disgusted that he could even think of making his own daughter apologise for her panic attack that she had absolutely no control over, and that he's laid the guilt of his fiancée being upset on her. I think that I need to speak to him about his whole relationship with our DD because he's running risk of damaging it irreparably, but I want to make sure I'm not being clouded by my protective love for her.
YABU - she should apologise for what happened
YANBU - she needs support and love, not blame, and he's wrong to make her apologise