If you had a terrible childhood, how much do you talk about it?

[Catslovepies]

AIBU to talk about my childhood which was pretty terrible? I know others have had it worse but in a nutshell:

• My parents divorced when I was 8 due to my father cheating, didn't see him much after that
• My mother became an alcoholic and a druggie with wild parties at the house, terrible mood swings, awful boyfriends, etc
• I was physically abused and was also neglected. My mother told me I was stupid most days and hit me and threw things at me from time to time
• I didn't get proper medical or dental care and wasn't given enough food to eat so quite malnourished
• I was made fun of mercilessly at school as I didn't fit in, didn't have proper clothes to wear, was painfully shy and awkward, etc
• Mum was driving drunk and had a terrible accident on the way to pick me up from school, spent 3 months in hospital, now disabled. I think about what would have happened if I'd been in that car...
• At the age of 13 I was sent to live with my grandparents for a year who looked after me well, then I went to boarding school
• Left home age 17, lived various boyfriends, managed to put myself through university working 7 days a week to pay bills
• Got a good education, well-paying job, married a lovely man, don't have children though as my parents made it seem like having kids was awful
• I have a sister, she's a wreck psychologically, I have supported her off and on and she lived with me for a while when she would otherrwise have been homeless
• Mum joined AA, got clean, Dad started showing back up, now miraculously after a lot of work on all sides I have a good relationship with both parents
• I grew up in the 80s, nowadays I think I would have been helped by social services, back then nothing. I grew up in the USA.

So on the outside my life now looks totally normal and easy. But it took a lot of work and luck to get here. Most of my friends and acquaintances have no idea because family problems just aren't talked about really. My friends who grew up poor talk about having been raised on rough council estates and make it obvious they have overcome adversity to get where they are. I grew up in the suburbs and everything was swept under the carpet and it feels like it's still there. So I feel a bit of an imposter and that I'm not being true to myself sometimes.

So AIBU - it's OK to take about where you came from and be proud of what you overcame
AINBU - Leave the past in the past, it's not polite to talk about these things

I had a traumatic childhood - put into care at 5, adopted at 6, adoptive mum was abusive, adoptive dad moved to Germany when I was 12 and I've seen him a handful of times since, adoptive mum was an alcoholic and I've been pretty much NC with her most of my adult life, I've gone back and given her chances several times but it always ends the same.

I dont really talk about it in detail. Some of my friends know the basics and 1 good friend who is a social worker who has talked about it with me and she was horrified when she heard some of details. I think most people just think I dont get on with my Mum in a normal family falling out kid of way. I dont elaborate as I dont like the look of shock and horror and pity on peoples faces when they hear the full story.

I had a horrid childhood, I talk about it when it feels relevant to. Because of my childhood the way I may react to certain things is odd, and it has impacted my mental health, so it does become relevant sometimes. I don't think there is a right way to handle it. Some people feel best by never mentioning it, other people talk constantly, it is whatever works for you. My only comment would be that you should be aware of your audience

I don’t talk about it! I did in therapy for a while and that was good for me, but otherwise I don’t.

I'm 40, I finally told my dad last week about the neglect and abuse inflicted by my stepdad and mum. He said he didn't understand why she fought for custody of me. Neither do I. I don't talk about it with anyone else but my partner. I'm still very conflicted about how I actually feel about my mum and how she basically chose her shitty boyfriend over me, but then she came from a shitty abusive home herself. I wonder how different my life might have turned out if I'd lived with my dad instead of being the unwanted black sheep in my mothers new family. My life is an absolute mess, I'm a mess but there is no help available and most people don't understand or believe me as my stepdad is such a "pillar of the community". Talking about it only causes more trouble.

I talk about things occasionally to DH, and he understands. Mostly because I met and married him in my teens, and he's witnessed some of it.

And my youngest DB and I discuss things sometimes; we tend to joke about how bad things were, as a safety valve. None of my other siblings though.

But friends (the few I have) don't get it. Partly because they only get a sanitised version. I really don't want to share how awful it was with them. It just brings up the shame I felt at the time.

I had a dysfunctional upbringing, score of 6 on the ACE test.

One alcoholic parent, one enabler. Eldest of six. Everything was withheld or controlled; love, kindness and affection; emotional support; money for the basics (even school uniform); my hopes and dreams were quashed at every opportunity.

After recommendations on here, I'm reading the Toxic Parents book. It's giving me a lot of food for thought. I've also come to realise that my mother was not the saint I always thought.

Both parents are now dead, but I'm going to write them letters anyway, let it all out and then burn the letters.

My life is so much better now in every way, and I need to let go of the past. I'm 61 ffs.

I don't talk about it in RL..online people will doubt you, question you and tell you "they're only human etc". Do I'd never raise it with anyone. Just saying you "have a difficult relationship" will get you eye rolls and cut out of friendships. Unfortunately noone really cares about anyone else. The advantage for me of a shitty upbringing is that you learn young you can't trust others