If you had a terrible childhood, how much do you talk about it?

[Catslovepies]

AIBU to talk about my childhood which was pretty terrible? I know others have had it worse but in a nutshell:

• My parents divorced when I was 8 due to my father cheating, didn't see him much after that
• My mother became an alcoholic and a druggie with wild parties at the house, terrible mood swings, awful boyfriends, etc
• I was physically abused and was also neglected. My mother told me I was stupid most days and hit me and threw things at me from time to time
• I didn't get proper medical or dental care and wasn't given enough food to eat so quite malnourished
• I was made fun of mercilessly at school as I didn't fit in, didn't have proper clothes to wear, was painfully shy and awkward, etc
• Mum was driving drunk and had a terrible accident on the way to pick me up from school, spent 3 months in hospital, now disabled. I think about what would have happened if I'd been in that car...
• At the age of 13 I was sent to live with my grandparents for a year who looked after me well, then I went to boarding school
• Left home age 17, lived various boyfriends, managed to put myself through university working 7 days a week to pay bills
• Got a good education, well-paying job, married a lovely man, don't have children though as my parents made it seem like having kids was awful
• I have a sister, she's a wreck psychologically, I have supported her off and on and she lived with me for a while when she would otherrwise have been homeless
• Mum joined AA, got clean, Dad started showing back up, now miraculously after a lot of work on all sides I have a good relationship with both parents
• I grew up in the 80s, nowadays I think I would have been helped by social services, back then nothing. I grew up in the USA.

So on the outside my life now looks totally normal and easy. But it took a lot of work and luck to get here. Most of my friends and acquaintances have no idea because family problems just aren't talked about really. My friends who grew up poor talk about having been raised on rough council estates and make it obvious they have overcome adversity to get where they are. I grew up in the suburbs and everything was swept under the carpet and it feels like it's still there. So I feel a bit of an imposter and that I'm not being true to myself sometimes.

So AIBU - it's OK to take about where you came from and be proud of what you overcame
AINBU - Leave the past in the past, it's not polite to talk about these things

I've been told by family that my memory plays tricks or I'm exaggerating. I think people who have had idyllic childhoods go into denial. I realised I had a choice try and put it behind me and go forward or stagnate and wallow in misery .

You have pretty much summed up my childhood verbatim.

I have only ever spoken about my childhood with DH and sometimes children when they were in their 20s. That was only because they needed to understand certain situations, and why I was doing the things I did.

So no, would never talk to friends about it. But then that’s probably because I tend to compartmentalise everything.

Agree with @Miilkywhitemoonlight. I chose to move on, cut my father out of my life (when he was dying), as he started getting abusive again towards me, and my mother the year after. Best thing I ever did.

I had a really unusual childhood which I really didn't see as abusive until I started counselling after years of alcoholism and self sabotage. I rarely talk about it as I hate the thought of sounding self pitying, but when I do, people are genuinely stunned about things that happened. I'm kind of going through the fury of what was done to me now - I just wish I'd understood it better years ago

I am sorry it was so difficult for you op - but your achievement is precious and important. The fact that you can continue a normal ish life and are not so damaged that it’s not been able to ruin you is an incredible achievement.
if I am needing validation or to talk, I often notice it’s a sign I need more counselling or to process my feelings again.
I never talk about it to friends, I want to be the ‘whole’ person I am now, and not the broken child I once was. Dh knows and my oldest friend as she was there. No one else. I do feel ‘different’ from my friends, all with lovely extended families and an easy going relationship with life. They trust someone will always be there for them, and they are mostly. I don’t have their safety nets but I am stronger in many ways.
There are lots of us op. Quietly there. We can give our children the love and life we couldn’t have and enjoy it with them. Learning my triggers was huge for me - now I pay attention, much more attention to my feelings and needs. 💐💐 for you

I tend not to talk about it but even yet thinking about what I went through it makes me so very sad but also angry.

Oddly I too have an over organised and clean house to me it’s a symbol of calm order. The opposite of my childhood.

Thank you for this thread op, it’s strangely reassuring to know most of us don’t talk about it. I often wondered if it’s dishonest not to tell very good friends, but I am sure they have their secrets snd everyone deserves privacy. I hope they understand

If it's about validation and you want to let that go, then fine.

However When you say it's 'taboo' or 'ok to talk about some adverse experiences but not others', I'm actually hearing some shame.

Are you kept quiet by some remnants of 'needing to keep it quiet'? Not washing your dirty laundry in public?

I have something I rarely mention because it stops conversation and people would prefer not to be confronted with it. However it makes me angry that I am expected to conceal something to protect other people, and the suggestion that it's 'too dirty to talk about', 'a shameful secret'.

Well it's not my shame. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and neither do you.

Make sure you remember that, while you are deciding what you want to do.

And those people talking about 'trauma dumping', and 'save it for a professional'- I'm not convinced. Of course you don't go on and on about it.

Make that choice for yourself to protect you from other people's bad reactions.
Don't think you won't be judged if you push a friend away because they've shared something you didn't want to hear.

People shouldn't have to carry a burden of secrecy to maintain someone else's peace of mind. That's not healthy either.

We get to choose what we give oxygen to now for our own peace of mind - not for anyone else.
I want to preserve the life I have chosen, and not deal with every corner being tainted by the past.
I feel blessed to be here, to have survived and I choose to keep my life living in the light. That was then, this is now.
I totally understand why people wish to share though, and to be honest about their past and not to feel they have to live a compromised life of half truths if that is how it feels and refusing to protect abusers.
I find being authentic is living by my own values not those that were inflicted on me. By living my best life, and not being defined by anyone else.

My husband is the only living person who has any idea of the extent of my childhood. OP you need to talk to someone and get this stuff out, honestly.its the only way. I found that the anger and hate ate me up for years until I sorted some talking therapy out.
What you feel is valid but if you don't get rid of it somehow it will ruin you and your relationships. Good luck

I didn't have an abusive or neglectful childhood but there were certainly instances that definitely caused trauma which I've only ever spoken to DH about in the past year or so - and even then I haven't delved into it all fully. We've been together almost 20 years. I think I've held back so much because I love my family dearly and don't want to change DH & others' opinions of them. I've accepted with time that the image we projected onto the world as a very tight-knit, loving family was sometimes quite different behind closed doors, and my home life wasn't always as nice as I'd like to have remembered. Since having kids I've realised just how much these experiences have shaped the person I am now (anxiety, scared of confrontation, people pleaser etc) and I'm determined to do better for my children. I've even tried to type out very vague examples here to explain what I mean by traumas and find it difficult to "say" without feeling as though I am bad mouthing them.

I think if you need/want to talk about your childhood, good and bad, then you should.

Had a rather traumatic childhood and I don't talk about it. Barely spoke to my partner of 13 years about it. It's nobodies business and I don't want to hold on to or be reminded of my past. Drunkenly mentioned a random childhood memory of abuse to a colleague on a work nightout and absolutely cringe about it now. Feel I owe them an apology - ilmy life shouldn't burden others. Obviously it's your choice what details of your life you share and with whom but you owe your story to nobody xx

@yaaarrrp I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. Your parents failed you & you should have been protected from him. I can empathize in a very small way.

@MissBeeBee oh my god I relate so much to this. I never talk about my childhood, ever. I think twice in my life I've randomly opened up to strangers ...once I was drunk and then oh dear god, the second time was during some training at work. The topic was safeguarding and child abuse. I just remember bursting into tears and spurting a memory out and when I think about it I am majorly cringed out. I'm dying a little now thinking about it. Ahhhhhh god. I had forgotten about these two episodes till I read this thread. Feeling the cringe all over again. Lol. But not lol 😆🙄

I'm not going to vote @Catslovepies as I think you need to do what is right for you. I had very very hard aspects to my childhood and rarely if ever talk about it. I was expected to just 'be normal' after profound trauma no one acknowledged.

I've learned as an adult the best thing I can do is be kind to myself. Accept there will be things that are very hard in the moment. Give yourself grace and compassion. You deserve it.

Also, don't let your childhood put you off having a family if you want. Can you seek counselling with a trauma therapist?

I think it's shit that it's not more widely talked about and acknowledged. I see the disgust on people's faces reflected back at me if I ever say anything.

My partner knows about my awful childhood, probably not everything but enough. And I talked to my siblings who obviously had the same awful childhood. But otherwise, no I do not feel the need. I don’t need to show other people what I have overcome. I know and that is enough for me.

I definitely didn't talk about my shitty childhood when I was a child or young adult, not to my friends anyway (parents constantly arguing, home was not a sanctuary, violence from my older brother towards me and from my dad to all of us including my mum, messed up dynamics, but all under the cover of a 'middle class family' so never acknowledged).
Have been with DH since uni and over the years have told him most things.
My dad was in very bad health in 2019 (he split with my mum years before-that was another whole mess...) and I ended up telling friends I've had for 25+ years more than I ever have as it felt necessary to justify the matter of fact way I was dealing with him and the lack of emotion from me. And also I didn't want their sympathy to the same level they'd give people who were close to their parents as it would make me feel like a fraud. It was good to tell them what went on. My dad died at the end of that year. I was /am sad about it, but I know its nothing compared to what others go though who are close to their parents, and in a weird way I'm almost thankful for that. (Though a normal nice childhood would have been preferable).
Generally I really don't like to think about my childhood let alone talk about it. It feels very depressing now compared to the life I have with DH and DC.

I voted YABU because you should be proud of the adversity you have overcome. But I also think it’s best to leave childhood abuse in the past. Mostly because it hurts to reopen those wounds and no one is due a life history from you to respect you for who you are.

I had a crap childhood courtesy of my DB being favoured, getting everything & all attention & opportunities & encouragement while I was literally ignored. Horrendous things happened to me due to.no guidance, support or even care where I was. DH knows about the favouring bit. The rest is locked away because I learned no one would believe me or wanted to know, or I would be labelled an attention seeker.

I'm also quiet because I shamefully admit I have a friend who goes on & on about her abusive childhood. It starts any time she can turn the conversation around to it, from the most minor detail she can use to 'trigger' her. Tells me the same stories over & over, cries, sobs, looks for me to validate & sympathise and if I'm honest I just want to tell her to get a psychologist & I don't want to hear it again. Often it's my only time away from kid etc. and I want to enjoy it. I'm happy to support but I don't want to spend every weekend watching her cry about 35 years ago. Some might l

You should definitely talk about it if you want to, although I would say you should be careful who you share the information with.
But I think I know what you are getting at. It's socially acceptable to talk about poverty or a working class background, first in your family to go to university etc. Abuse and neglect, not so much. I find it easy to talk about aspects of growing up working class from a rough estate (which was mostly absolutely fine) but don't know how I would tell people about my mother's crazy mind games and neglect.

Wow, you have been through a lot and survived. You have my respect. I would listen to you, and see you as a survivor but I think a LOT of people interpret any factual recollection of a bad thing that happened as weakness or being a victim. Which is so wrong. A factual memory that what happened was shit doesn't make you a professional victim. This is something which repulses some people. I mean that's the way they see it due to their own shortcomings. They don't see your strength.

So yeh, I'd be very careful who you choose to trust with your truth but you are not unreasonable to still have the need to talk about this. Wow, there's just so much. The list goes on and on.

My parents did not divorce, far from it, my father is my mother's foot soldier and he is fully institutionalised in that role. If I tell her that she didn't respect a boundary, she flounces and then he appears to reprimand me. I think for decades and decades I felt upset but I didn't feel it like I really should have felt it. Because as a child I was not allowed to have a reaction to anything. It was only as an older adult, like, 47, I thought hang on a fucking minute, you did something I asked you TWICE not to do and now you are angry with me, and the victims of me because I'm asking you why you did that!?!? But that was the dynamic of my childhood. Have no reaction. I was trained to never speak up for myself. I had no right to acknowledge I had feelings. I certainly had no right to have a reaction to anything they did. So, it sounds very little in comparison to what you went through but even that, I've spent the last 5 years unpicking its effect on me and trying to heal from the wound. So you have all of my respect

I have a few friends who 100% get this shit, I have one single parent (like myself) friend whose mother has cast her in a certain role. We talk about families and family dynamics a lot. I would hold back as much as I can with my more confident content friends! I do have some friends and their childhoods were like the waltons so I know they wouldn't really get it. But it's hard, things leak out.

I like that approach. I took that quiz once when I was finding it very difficult to acknowledge the effect of my parents' poor parenting and I was shocked at the number of things that were ticking for me. Depressed parent - tick, I thought, wow, this does matter, it can have an effect on people. I had just been shamed in to never mentioning it again. My brother even told me not to mention it as it upsets him. But when I asked the family not to project ''paranoid'' on to me, I got labelled sensitive, and it spiralled down from there. I just do not get to ask ''please don't do x, it upsets me''. The rest of the family has a voice to do that though.

It's a good way of depersonalising it though. I know my own family (and wider family) is so repulsed by any emotion, well, they can order me to consider theirs, but if I say x left an impression on me, they are so viscerally revolted by that vulnerability.

Referring to ticking more yeses than I wanted to on the ACE quiz is a way of de-personalising it and also, standing firm in your own interpretation of events which is important. Dr mario Martinez author of the mind body code said that a way to heal the wound of betrayal is to trust in your own self, and for me that has been to stand really firmly in your own interpretation of events, and I've done that while the whole family has given me the silent treatment, stonewalled me, smeared me, demonised me, called me mad, entitled, detached from reality and YET i feel better now than I did a few years ago because I stood so firm and did not submit to their narrative and come back to heel to play the part of daughter that they wrote for me.

@Catslovepies have you listened to The Tao of fully feeling (Pete Walker) on audible. I found it to be an excellent listening. I felt it was geared towards people who have a lot to let go of and who in an ideal scenario would be able to do that but it talks about how you need to blame first so that you know what happened to you and it talks about anger and how it protects you and that chapter was particularly soothing for me as my parents always shamed me for reacting with anger. They were 100% determined not to hear me or consider me but I was shamed for having an angry reaction. Anyway, it's about 8 hours long but I got through it in a weekend because it held my attention and i found it very comforting. His other book is quite academic and clinical talking about what had been found studying groups of people.. But this was very soothing. No pressure to forgive. Anger was given its place. But I feel like maybe one day I can let this go. Not quite there yet but this book was soothing not shaming.

My husband and his sister were treated abysmally as children. I had no idea, until his sister got very drunk and opened up. My husband then confirmed it, but he simply says he can't remember.

I don't push him on it. I have had my own trauma and don't speak about it. I prefer not to. I want to have a positive life going forwards and I don't want to dwell on the past. My whole family went through it and we just allude to it if something new happens which makes it resurface, but never discuss it. I have a decent family though.

The trouble with discussing it too much with friends is that it can leave you stuck and can be hard on them to carry your baggage too. Added to which they will never really understand unless they have been through it. Counselling with someone who understands what they should be doing can be healthier.

All that said you have to do what works for you.