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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to set boundaries with family around sugar/sweets?

26 replies

NewtoHolland · 12/06/2022 04:39

For context I have 3DC, eldest is overweight and has autism,

I'm not a health freak but I am getting concerned about the number of treats being offered to my children. My in laws are lovely but a big part of their love language is sweet treats. I would understand a packet of sweets being offered but if we spend any amount of time with them it's a continuous flow of refined sugar. For example If my daughter is there for a sleepover (very rarely) they will be given milkshake and cookies in bed, sweet cereal in the morning (with marshmallows), sweets during the day, cakey/sweetie puddings with meals. We were there a couple of weeks ago for a few hours and my child was given two ice creams, and then pudding which was fruit and cream so I was happy about she came out with a bowl which was covered in sweets in with the fruit and the cream! Understandably this makes for very grumpy kids...

So AIBU to set better boundaries around this?

Does anyone take the approach of one sweets day a week? I think I read before that this was a thing in Switzerland. I don't want to make anyone upset but I just think it's actually a bit unkind levels to the kids now, like it's a level of excess that is unhealthy and doesn't make them happy.

If I'm not BU how can I set it in a way that doesn't seem unkind or critical towards my in laws?

OP posts:
12Thorns · 12/06/2022 04:42

I don’t think it’s a Swiss thing. It was normal when I grew up. Friday was ‘nosh day’ since the 1960s

Fraaahnces · 12/06/2022 04:46

The stuff in bed is tooth decay waiting to happen. This kind of thing gets parents accused of neglect or abuse. If your kid is overweight, that also causes health problems. It’s very hard to get NT kids to make healthy choices, but harder again for kids on the Autism Spectrum. I think you need to explain the health concerns and the effects that this has on your child’s mood, etc, and let them know that while you think it comes from a place of love, placating kids with sugar is dangerous. They are going well outside any modern health guideline re-total amount of daily recommended sugar.

Original poster
NewtoHolland · 12/06/2022 04:47

Nosh day! I like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewtoHolland · 12/06/2022 04:50

Fraaahnces · 12/06/2022 04:46

The stuff in bed is tooth decay waiting to happen. This kind of thing gets parents accused of neglect or abuse. If your kid is overweight, that also causes health problems. It’s very hard to get NT kids to make healthy choices, but harder again for kids on the Autism Spectrum. I think you need to explain the health concerns and the effects that this has on your child’s mood, etc, and let them know that while you think it comes from a place of love, placating kids with sugar is dangerous. They are going well outside any modern health guideline re-total amount of daily recommended sugar.

Oh 100%... I just need to find the words that don't make me seem joyless and judgey. My nephew who stays with them more regularly is obese and his mum asks them to restrict sweets but it doesn't seem to have go through.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewtoHolland · 12/06/2022 04:52

*got through.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 12/06/2022 05:05

I don't think there's anything wrong in setting boundaries. They aren't picking up the pieces behaviourally or weight/mental health wise. My DC have always had some kind of treat a day but it was genuinely part of a balanced healthy diet. DS was very good at self regulating in that area, DD needed a bit more convincing particularly where drinking vs eating sugar was concerned but they could both see that being offered boiled sweets in the car on the way to school/preschool wasn't the way to go even when they were pretty young. We solved the problem for most of the year by moving abroad!

bozna · 12/06/2022 05:18

I think quantities have changed and we are giving kids too much. I used to feel spoilt rotten by my grandma as a kid but she split a tube of fruit pastels and the odd hot chocolate and we made ice lollies together Now we give full bags of sweets to kids and magnums and loads of crisps.

RewildingAmbridge · 12/06/2022 05:25

Can you say they've been to the dentist and have all been told to cut back on sugar, so from now on it's max one sweet thing per visit?

VashtaNerada · 12/06/2022 05:38

If you mention it, try to keep it as positive as possible: “it was great to see you gave DC fruit for dessert, it looked lovely. I must copy it. Can we try to stick to the healthier options as much as possible now because I really want to focus on their health” etc. They can still show their love through food, just, healthier foods…

bozna · 12/06/2022 05:47

VashtaNerada · 12/06/2022 05:38

If you mention it, try to keep it as positive as possible: “it was great to see you gave DC fruit for dessert, it looked lovely. I must copy it. Can we try to stick to the healthier options as much as possible now because I really want to focus on their health” etc. They can still show their love through food, just, healthier foods…

This is great advice .
Kids love fruit salads and everyone should be on board to keep kid healthy. Grandparents like to treat as a random spoiling their grandkid, which they should do but even they don't want to plow a kid with sweets to make them overweight and unhealthy, that's not the point of a treat.

cultkid · 12/06/2022 06:09

Not Swiss

They are healthy

Original poster
NewtoHolland · 12/06/2022 06:20

I looked it up and I'd got it wrong, It's a Swedish thing sweets on Saturdays.

OP posts:
ColourMeExhausted · 12/06/2022 06:46

We did Saturday sweet day as children. It was a good concept but unfortunately it just made me crave sweeties all the more, and when I started secondary school and discovered three newsagents selling cheap pick n mix on the walk there, I would buy treats for myself whenever I could! And now at 42 i have a raging sweet tooth. So I'm not entirely convinced it would work for everyone.

With my DC, weekends are 'treat' times, which means we let DC have cereal of their choice and a few other treats. During the week sweet things do slip in but not often. It's really hard though and I do think we could be doing better.

Good luck OP, it sounds really tough, I like the idea of saying the dentist made you do it!

HousePlantNeglect · 12/06/2022 06:52

YANBU.

My family we’re like this when I was a child and my Mum wasn’t able to set boundaries. I was very overweight as a child as a result and have struggled on and off with my weight as an adult.

I absolutely let my own kids have sweet things as I don’t want them to seem forbidden but sugary stuff isn’t constantly available.

Fraaahnces · 12/06/2022 07:02

Another thing you may have to consider is seeing if they are more conservative with treats on other days of the week. Pull the plug on Saturdays, perhaps? If that doesn’t work, limit visits. (I get that this also means limiting childcare. Catch 22.)

romdowa · 12/06/2022 07:02

Sleep overs would stop straight away if it were my son and I'd have stopped her serving the fruit cream and sweet combo. Grandma would be stalked in the kitchen until she got the message 🤣🤣 I wouldn't care what drama would ensue as the minute the drama starts the kids would be taken home.

Reluctantadult · 12/06/2022 07:06

How often are they there?

Sexnotgender · 12/06/2022 07:06

I’m afraid I wouldn’t allow them to do childcare unsupervised if they won’t listen on this. I’m far from a health nut but that’s an unbelievable amount of shit food.

Spikeyball · 12/06/2022 07:17

We have a child with autism and we do not give him sweets or sugary or fizzy drinks. Cakes, biscuits and puddings are allowed in moderation. Everyone who looks after him is told this and expected to follow this. Our biggest concern his is teeth. He would not cope with dental treatment but we are concerned about other health aspects as well. Other people won't have to see him and deal with him in tooth pain so for us it is non negotiable.

InChocolateWeTrust · 12/06/2022 07:25

It's not just a swedish thing to only have sweets on Saturday it's common in Britain too, I was raised having money for sweets on a Saturday and my children only get them then too.

However, my children do get desserts after the evening meal, homemade stuff like a fruit crumble.

MissBPotter · 12/06/2022 07:25

Yes please don’t allow all that horrible stuff. You should buy prepare to be the bad guy. My mil is a feeder, she seems to want everyone else to eat horrible sugary crap but she barely eats at all. It’s worse when my bro and sister in law are involved as they try to serve my kids sugary pancakes with bacon and golden syrup over them. Makes me feel sick when combined with about a million other treats. Their kid is extremely overweight and I really don’t want mine to be like that. They make out like I’m the mean person though and I think it’s definitely effected our relationship.

InChocolateWeTrust · 12/06/2022 08:28

Bozna I totally agree.

Children dont need to be bought a whole cake in a cafe, its plenty of a grown up has something and shares a few bites.

Generally too much shop bought confectionary too. When I was a child desserts were mostly home made, no really loads of sugar in, the sweetness came from fruit or milk. Shop bought ones have SO much sugar. If you buy the ones from low calorie ranges they just shove them full of sweeteners and other crap, not what I want. I just want a less sweet product!

Glitternails1 · 12/06/2022 08:41

How about limiting sweet treats to one dessert after a meal? If you ban sugar then the dc will crave it more. The milkshake and biscuits before bed can’t be good for their teeth. Give the grandparents some suggestions for snacks if the dc are hungry.

www.eatsamazing.co.uk/family-friendly-recipes/snack-ideas-recipes/75-healthy-on-the-go-snacks-for-kids

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/06/2022 08:45

OP if their cousin is obese and his mum has asked them to pack in the sweets, then I think that asking nicely or kindly simply won't work. If they are happy to contribute to their own grandsons obesity then they aren't going to listen to any concerns about health or behaviour or tooth decay. You can try but I dont think they will listen. I think its going to come down to quite forceful language - more than x amount of sweets isn't allowed and if that's broken they wont come to visit. Maybe your partner should be delivering the message

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 12/06/2022 08:45

I would set boundaries and be prepared to limit contact if your requests aren’t followed (be prepared for this to happen )

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