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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you ever fallen in love with a woman?

38 replies

Whattodo1978 · 11/06/2022 20:12

I’m married and straight (or have always identified as straight ) but there’s a woman at work that I feel strongly about and I can feel myself falling in love with her . She is the most beautiful person. It feels electric when I am with her alone. It is making me question myself. AIBU?

OP posts:

lisavanderpumpscloset · 11/06/2022 20:15

Not sure this is an AIBU question

Original poster

Whattodo1978 · 11/06/2022 20:18

@lisavanderpumpscloset admittedly its more about am I alone in this than am I being unreasonable

OP posts:

BetteDavies · 11/06/2022 20:24

This happened to me (almost exactly) about 10 years ago. A change in circumstances meant I moved away and it ended. So you are not alone it happened to me too.

BlueberryMusk · 11/06/2022 20:25

I'm in a v similar situation. Have honestly never felt like this before and don't know what to do! It's actually scaring me a bit. You are definitely not alone. If your username has your year of birth in it then we're about the same age too - I'm wondering if it's a blast of perimenopausal hormones kicking in??

Furrbabymama1987 · 11/06/2022 20:28

I suppose the question comes down to can you see yourself wanting to rip her clothes off. If you don't feel that sexual attraction then you're straight. I've been with women and class myself as bi but more of a preference for men. I wouldn't be satisfied long term with a woman.

BiscoffSundae · 11/06/2022 20:31

Nope

DuckDuckNo · 11/06/2022 20:33

Also the same age, also in a similar situation.

Staynow · 11/06/2022 20:36

I don't think it's uncommon as women get older, pretty sure it's been researched and found to be a thing. Maybe because we don't need men any more to procreate - or maybe we've just realised what a disappointment men are :-D

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/06/2022 20:38

Yes, indeed. We've been together for 23 years now, having both left the men we were married to for each other in our early 40s.

Kitten2 · 11/06/2022 20:40

Yes, I'm 'straight' and very attracted to men but have a crush on a woman.
She's been the only one IRL that I've felt like this for and I would like nothing more than to rip her clothes off, and mine.

Otherwise I have only had sexual desires for men.

I'm not going to act on it because we both have partners. I love being in her company though and crave it

MondeoFan · 11/06/2022 20:40

Yes this happened to me around 10 years ago too. We were friends at first then after about 3 months I started to fall in love with her. It ended badly in the end. I told her how I felt and she didn’t feel the same. She told my husband, but I’d already fallen out of love with him so wasn’t too upset.
ive never liked women since so I think it was just her. I imagined myself with her and telling People we were together. I wanted to be with her so much. Looking back now I realised I learnt a lot about myself and ended up actually having another baby with someone else and realised that was probably what was missing from my life all along

Original poster

Whattodo1978 · 11/06/2022 20:44

@BlueberryMusk I am 44, how old are you?

I do wonder if it is peri menopause!

OP posts:

RestingMurderousFace · 11/06/2022 20:45

In love no, in lust oh yes.

libbyamelia · 11/06/2022 20:47

Yes...I did. It turned into an absolute nightmare. I got completely fixated and nearly lost my mind. I ended up having counselling.

I'm married, two children, professional job, nice family and friends. Everything was fine in my life (although my counsellor and I did look at what was missing in my marriage that I had become so consumed by someone else) and it was without doubt the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Original poster

Whattodo1978 · 11/06/2022 20:56

And yes, I can imagine myself having sex with her 🫢 so it’s not just a platonic/admiration crush

OP posts:

BlueberryMusk · 11/06/2022 20:58

Whattodo1978 · 11/06/2022 20:44

@BlueberryMusk I am 44, how old are you?

I do wonder if it is peri menopause!

I'm 43. Periods are all over the place and I have spells where I hot flush like crazy so clearly perimenopausal. Honestly when I'm around her I feel like a giddy teen again. In my case I won't have the same opportunities to see her after next week, unless I can somehow create one. She's single but probably has no clue how I feel!

DorritLittle · 11/06/2022 21:01

I am 44 and no. But my life has taken a few unexpected turns so following...

nohopenoharm · 11/06/2022 21:05

My first love was a girl at school. I remember the first day I laid eyes on her when we started Year 7 (or 3 Upper as we called it back then). I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen and was captivated by her. My feelings only grew as the years passed until after sixth form when we our lives went in very different directions. Nothing ever came of it, very much unrequited and secret on my part, we were never even close friends really just moved in the same circle. I always had boy crushes too all the way through school (many of them 🤣) but my feelings for her were totally different in a way I couldn't explain back then but now with age and experience I realise I was truely in love with her, in a very non-platonic way. I caught sight of her once in a shop about 15 years ago and she still made me catch my breath.

I've only ever had sexual relationships and l relationships with men but interestingly these days it is always the women on TV shows I find much more attractive than the men! I'm 48 now if it's relevant.

BlueKaftan · 11/06/2022 21:05

Lust, yes. I have a crush on Beatrice Borrommeo, married to Pierre Casirragi.

TheVolturi · 11/06/2022 21:05

But, you are married op. Are you unhappy?

Original poster

Whattodo1978 · 11/06/2022 21:26

@TheVolturi happily married, we have our ‘ups and downs’ like any couple. This is about my sexuality, I have not experienced strong lust/love feelings for a woman before. It is making me question everything

OP posts:

FiveNineFive · 11/06/2022 21:27

Well yeah, but I'm bisexual.

frydae · 11/06/2022 21:28

I mean yeah, but I wasn't married at the time.

WishUponaStarrr · 11/06/2022 21:35

Maybe it's infatuation?

FastBlastfromthePast · 11/06/2022 21:36

NC for this. When I was about 14 I was in a toxic intense friendship with a girl in the year above me at school (she was the same age but had been moved up a year at primary level). Nothing physical ever happened; I didn’t even have sexual fantasies about her (but I didn’t about anybody; still don’t have purely sexual fantasies really) but I was obsessed with her. And she knew it.

Looking back, that was my main experience of an abusive relationship. I recognise now how she was able to turn the friendship tap on and off, one day confiding her deepest fears that only I could understand, the next freezing me out when I tried to wish her luck for her exam that day, or worse, ranting at me when I suggested a good idea for the school house competition. (Because none of us liked our house mistress and I shouldn’t have tried to get on her good side. Apparently. 🙄) It was the definition of a headfuck.

It all fell apart when naive 16 year old me wrote her a letter (she’d left the school by then) detailing exactly how I felt. At this point I felt like the abuser, and it took me a few years to understand and process what had happened. I think it was one of those attractions that happens in closed single sex environments when neither party is necessarily gay or even bi, but back in the early 80s you couldn’t even really allow the possibility. I’m married and hetero, and have never been attracted to women outside of girls’ schools as an adolescent.

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