Did I do the wrong thing not inviting BIL to party?

[Longstockingjane]

Hi,

Basically my MIL and FIL don’t talk to my BIL (their son) and his wife. There was a huge fall out and ties were cut.

BIL and his wife also fell out with us however we had a ‘meeting’ to try and repair the situation….we made amends but the damage had been done and the relationship hasn’t felt the same since. We are not close by any means which is sad as my partner actually lived with them for 6 months a while back.

We are due to have our daughters 1st birthday party soon. MIL and FIL have our little girl once a week and are a huge part of her life. Meanwhile BIL & wife don’t even ask how she is or seem bothered about her.

So we invited MIL & FIL to her small party and explained to BIL that we understand he wouldn’t want to come as MIL & FIL are there but asked if he would he like to come over our house the next day.

The reason we did this is because we didn’t want any drama or for MIL &FIL to feel uncomfortable. It is our daughters day and she deserves to have her grandparents there.

now all hell has broke loose saying that we have chosen my partners ‘abusive parents’ over her and her innocent children and that they are no longer classing us as family. She seems to think we shouldn’t be talking to MIL & FIL and she is shocked that I’ll allow my child to be around such abusive people. I speak as I find and they’ve never done me wrong.

did we do the wrong thing?

No, you did nothing wrong. You gave them a chance to come over. I would have perhaps not explained why they were not invited to the party.

And TBH I would leave it to DH to talk directly to BIL, not least because he knows the "full" history.

Your brother in law is a “she”? Who thinks this stuff? His wife?

Sorry yes BIL’s wife has played hell with us

This is your DH brother?
Leave him to sort it.

Maybe. It depends on why your in laws have fallen out with your husband's sibling.

It all started because they weren’t helping enough with childcare (I think!?)

It's your house it's up to you who you have there and when honestly they sound like hard work. I'd lock them off.

Is your BIL Prince Harry? Sorry couldn't resist. They sound really odd to be making it a "them or us" situation so either something huge has gone down that we need a dripfeed on, or BIL and his wife are being massively unreasonable.

Why does this read so much like the current royal family affairs?

Ignore.

"Sorry you feel that way" and then leave it.
You are entitled to have a relationship with both sides. Are there any grounds to the "abuse" accusations?

Lol yes very royal esque!

it started because BILs wife felt that they weren’t interested in the grandchildren or offering much help. FIL then flipped and said some pretty hurtful things about BIL’s wife (that she has an inability to look after her children etc etc)

they fell out with us because my partner lived with them for 6 month and apparently made ‘promises’ to their kids. To take them out, make an effort etc. but context behind this is that my partner had split from his fiancé, moved in with them and then moved into his own home starting from scratch which takes time. A pandemic then hit which she seems to forget about

I think the message you gave was tactless as you were basically saying you’re not invited to the real party but you can come over by yourself instead. It would have been more palatable if you just asked them if they wished to come over for the separate time and not mentioned the party.

That being said I wouldn’t be surprised if they looked for an opportunity to be offended and see issues in anything given there seems to be a lot of drama and poor relationships going on anyway.

I’d just not contact them for a while and then see what happens. Obviously that’s up to your DH though.

We thought about doing this take but had concerns about them seeing things on social/hearing about said party and feeling hurt

Nasty words yes - abuse I wouldn’t say so

It seems such a lot has happened in such a short space of time. Your partner breaking up with his fiancé, Covid, you and the baby, family fallouts all round. No wonder feelings are running high. It can’t have been over more than 2 to 3 years. Hopefully things will settle so for now it’s probably best to not get drawn into any of the upset b

I would just ignore them. They do sound entitled. Expecting first your pil to look after their children and then your dh.
To be fair I would let your dh deal with it.
Dont respond at all. I don’t get all this family WhatsApp and spending your life in each other’s pockets, I certainly don’t and I’m much happier for it.

They sound like arseholes. Ignore them.

You shouldn't have mentioned it at all. Its a small party. I assume immediate family of grandparents and parents, very close friends etc so mentioning it to them you are rubbing salt into the wound and it comes across as nasty. Sometimes silence is best.

Perhaps - it was never our intention. It’s such a difficult situation to know what to do. I didn’t want them seeing things on social media etc.

Is this the second thread you posted on this @Longstockingjane ?

I think you did the right thing, telling them why & inviting them at a different time.

SIL needs to wind her neck in.

ehether you go NC with the inlwas or not is your business.

however, I'd be very very wary of having the inlaws do childcare. Not usually smoke without a fire.

my friend is just starting therapy for complex PTSD cause as a small child by her abusive parent, the verbal having done much more damage than the physical.

I totally understand your concern. However it’s no more than them disagreeing with one another and the in-laws loosing their and not being very tactful with their words through anger. They are soft as clarts really

This was always going to happen.
Not because you did anything wrong but because people like this can't help themselves.

She was always going to find a reason to vut you out.

My response with someone like this was

Piss off and delete my number

You want to make sure she never ever considers messaging you again

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim you’re so right, I feel like she jumped at the chance to cut us out.
I like your response - I’m too much of a worrier but I’m working on it!