AIBU to be wary and somewhat resentful that DH has suddenly announced he wants to further his education?

[MorskiPas]

Quick background: DH did not go to university, but after working for several years he went and got a further qualification which has helped massively with his career.
I stopped working when we had DS1 and haven't been back since then (we have 2 dc).
I am currently exploring various ways of getting back to work now that DS2 is at school and I have the time. I will most likely need to retrain and do something else as my old job was highly specialised and no longer an option. I have had a number of appointments with the job centre and various back-to-work consultants (btw we are not in the UK) and I start on a career-consulting course thing in a couple of weeks, which will hopefully lead to me either being able to apply for jobs, or know what type of top-up courses I should do to make myself employable again.

Tonight at dinner DH announces that he wants to do another higher level course to once again further his career. It would take a year, 2x a week online (4 hours each session), plus every Saturday from 9am to 2pm. And 2 weeks of full-time school in the summer holidays too.
The course would probably be a good idea, but there's no guarantees that it would actually get him any further in his career. I think he regrets not going to university (although at this point, as I keep pointing out to him, it's his wealth of experience which actually counts). I think it has more to do with self esteem than anything else, and I'm not discounting that at all - I just think that this is my time and now I'm once again being relegated to the support role - because who's going to do everything at home, with the kids etc if he's doing this course? Me, that's who.
AIBU? He is the main earner and has been for years and years, which I really do appreciate, but I also feel that I'm never going to get back out there if I don't start now.

It would seem fair it's your turn to up your training and choose a career. And then maybe in a year or so he could look again at his course.

Family life is about team work as you clearly know. When you're discussing it with him I'd come at it from the practicality side of things and that you will need his support this year while starting your new career.

Is there any reason you can't both study? The schedule he proposes doesn't sound onorous.

I'm doing a part time degree and study 8-10 hours per week over 6 years. Maybe you could explore something like that for yourself?

I agree with @OneRingToRuleThemAll

I think the problem here is the 'announcing'. He should be discussing the options with you, how it will work for you both, how you both balance work / training / home.

But it should be manageable for you to do both. And I generally find it impressive when someone wants to progress their education or training.

I honestly can't see how it could possibly work tbh. Me retraining and then working would require everyone to adjust and yes, dh would have to be a lot more involved with dc stuff.
With this course he'd still be working full time, so would leave the house at 6am and then we'd not see him again until gone 9 twice a week, and I assume he'd have to be staying late in the other days to make up for leaving early. And then studying for the best part of every single Saturday too. So instead of him taking on more home-related stuff, he'd actually be doing even less, and I'd have to pick up the slack.
I don't have years and years to do this - I need to get things going now if I want a realistic chance of getting anything other than an unskilled job and he knows this.

So tell him. It's your turn to train and focus on your career, and his turn to pick up more at home. How could he possibly refuse?

YANBU. Your retraining should definitely take priority in these circumstances. Kick up a fuss OP!

I agree with you. First of all, you're already in process and should know within a few months what you need to do, with a clear view of the cost, time commitments, etc. If he still has some time before he has to commit to his course you could agree to consider the whole picture - his course along with whatever you're doing and whether both could work - once your path is clear. If he has to decide now it makes sense for him to put plans on hold, to be reconsidered again perhaps in a year or whenever the course would next be available to him. Your rejoining the workforce will have a much larger overall impact on your family finances/situation than his situation possibly improving as a result of this course.

If he balks at this, ask him for a plan for how his share of household/childcare responsibilities will be covered once you're both working and studying. If money isn't an issue another possibility is paid childcare and perhaps housekeeping so you can both spend considerably more time on outside projects.

Ok - so first work out what your training will involve, exactly. Then discuss how (or if) it can be balanced with DH's course.

Discuss what the extra home tasks will be & how to manage them.

DH should check if his workplace will support him ie by facilitating an early finish on thread course days & not expecting him to work up time the other days.

I still don't think it sounds too onerous - it's only two evenings & half a day at the weekend. But talk to him. If it really isn't manageable, then your retraining should happen first.

The posters saying 'tell him...'. Really? Why does anyone have to be told? Just ... talk.

Why did you give up work completely? Is there no compromise to meet at?

Every Saturday?!?!

Even without your wishes to retrain, it would be a no from me, until the DC were older and more able to be independent.

Every Saturday? As if!!!

Did you speak to him about it OP? What did he say? Along the lines of 'hold on, you know I'm planning to retrain too, and I thought you were supportive of that - in practical terms it's going to mean picking up more house and kids stuff - hows that going to work with actually being around less.?'

Do you think he hasnt thought it through or is actually trying to sabotage you?

This is what I was wondering.

he’s either genuinely forgotten (??) or tactically “forgotten”, and is hoping you’ll say “how lovely dear, I can train next year”. Don’t do that. Assume your training is a done deal and ask him how he thinks that’s going to work alongside your training as you will need the evenings/a weekend day to do your course work and he agreed to do XYZ more things for the children. Or even go with “I’m really not sure that’s going to work the same year as my training, but don’t worry you can do it next year”.

What @EarringsandLipstick said.
On MN there are always posters who side with the woman in the relationship on principle.
Without more detail, we can't know whether this is an opportunity that has come up at work and has to be taken now or the chance is gone, or whether it realistically can happen a year down the line. We don't know what your "possible training" might entail. Presumably if your starting work or starting training is going to happen, then adjustments are going to have to happen anyway - especially with the rather ridiculous hours your dh is currently working. You say you aren't in the UK, so it is difficult for us to know what childcare (or other options to help) are available. We don't know what your finances are like or your living space (thinking in terms of if a Nanny might be realistic just as an example).

It sounds like you both need to talk and work through it together.

It's 5 hours??

Yes. This.

I mean now posters are saying he's intentionally 'sabotaging' her. It's a possibility, I guess. But a wild leap without further information.

You need to establish back into work first then he can do what he wants to - starting in maybe a year or so. It’s not long for him to wait. You’ve waited longer than that.

Just because he wants to do the program doesn’t mean he gets to do the program. You have a conversation and explain that you want your career to be prioritized and you need him to take a more active role in parenting on evenings and weekends to make that happen.

Your career matters. You helped his career by caring for the children, he can do the same for you.

Yes, 5 hours out of EVERY weekend - the time when families, all things being equal, generally do things together. They don't all go off, minus one family member, for all sorts of experiences that this one member doesn't have, and thus may become to feel resentful that everyone else is having a good time without them.

So the family then feels guilty and stays home. Possibly meaning that the family cannot study so efficiently, and this becomes another source of tension. And all of a sudden, everyone is unhappy for a variety of reasons.

And this is without even thinking about the extra work that these 5 hours will produce for the OP. AND the extra hours during the week, because the course requires study time then too.

I stand by my initial statement. The "5 hours" is just one part of it. AND the OP is supposed to be training to get back into the world of work. They can't both do it with little DC, so it's OP's turn.

the time when families, all things being equal, generally do things together.

Well maybe.
But I don't know this is the time when kids do activities, houses get cleaned, groceries bought.

So the doing things together bit - perhaps not?
I'm not saying it's automatically ok to do it, but I don't think it's a shocking thought, to spend 5 hours doing a course.

Of course, he would then have to participate in all the house / chores / making time for the DC / OP etc.

But still, it's not a ridiculous proposition.

They can't both do it with little DC, so it's OP's turn.

They might be able to. Or they might not. It's up to both of them to discuss & work it out.

There's no definitive answer.

I imagine he probably just doesn’t appreciate how much work goes into childcare. How much does he do when he’s not at work? Are you still the main caregiver on evenings/weekends?

You are not being unreasonable at all so stand up for yourself.

This. Why can't you both take courses concurrently?

I don’t think it’s an either you or either him situation.
You can retrain and start then work FT while he is working FT and doing this qualification.
Just keep communicating and seeing how to work around the schedules.
Lots of families have young DC with both parents working and quite often one or both are also doing qualifications or other commitments on top as well.
A friend of mine works FT, is starting her own business and her DH works FT and is doing his bachelors at Uni as well. They have 3 young DC, one with severe special needs that is on the list for a SEN school

Everyone's saying it's your "turn" but you've just had a massive "turn" at being supported financially and I can see why he feels like maybe it's time for him to do something other than work.

Maybe you just need to both communicate with each other better. Explain to him that you're hoping to retrain for the foreseeable and discuss can he put off his plans until next year? Otherwise can you put yours off and get a minimum-training job that maybe pays less than you'd like but would get you back out into the world of work?

It's not a competition for who's being unreasonable here or who "deserves" it (whatever that even means), you both just need to organise around each other (presuming you're not both planning to retire next year and that this isn't the very last year either of you can retrain) so you can come up with what works for you both. Explain to him that if you go first you can support him doing his thing.

Maybe he's coming at this from the point of view that he already has a job and that this extra training means he can better support you financially to do your thing then take your time applying for jobs? Especially if you don't actually know what you want to do (which is what it sounds like since you're at the careers coaching stage not the "retraining in a specific thing" stage). You've missed the boat a bit for applying for courses in September when you don't seem to know what you want to do in June. Then you've got to actually do the training and then find/apply for jobs before you will be sure you'll like what you're doing. His plan is stable and yours has a lot of "what ifs" in it.

I'm saying this as someone who very, very much wanted to retrain this September and had planned it for 2 years, but am having to go back into a job I hate and am not great at instead, and just get on with it for the sake of getting us all into a better place before I retrain.