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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to only agree to having another baby if..........

28 replies

tinx · 14/01/2008 14:43

ok here it is

my labour with ds was a really bad experience.
myself and dh want at least one more.
i said i will only do it if....
he will book me into the birth center which is costly but worth the money
tbh i cant face having another baby on the nhs as im scared to death.
i know not all hospitals are the same but i have real issues with it.

what you all think

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 14/01/2008 14:45

If you have the cash without major difficulties, then no, YANBU. I would give up alcohol/takeaways/newpapers etc. for a while to afford better care during birth.

I told DH that the condition for having another was that it was his turn.

LynetteScavo · 14/01/2008 14:48

No, you are not being reasonable, I too was scared to have another baby, even though I really wanted one. ( There is a 4.5 year gap between DS's) When I was pregnant I saw a hypnohterapist who really helped me get over DS1's birth. - Might be worth a try if you're really scared.

Original poster

tinx · 14/01/2008 14:48

that made me laugh mrs tittle mouse
i should say that instead.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 14/01/2008 14:57

I meant you are being reasonable Very reasonable!

Original poster

tinx · 14/01/2008 15:05

i thought so lynettescavo.

you see, my dh will not come with me when in labour, and never will.
he's as manly as a mouse when it comes to blood and guts, so he dosnt understand any aspect of what i went through .
i said to him, you go into labour for 3 days and then have your guts cut open then tell me i cant go private.

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 14/01/2008 15:35

Maybe he should have a word with my DH. He was completely shocked at what I went through. He went to my Dad's house and told my Dad that it was "brutal" then drank whisky until the early hours. I then had my Dad telling me how rough the birth had been - on DH!!!!
I can laugh about it now - at the time I wasn't so impressed. Cue my Dad doing major backtracking on how he realises that it must have been worse for me.
Anyhow, the point is that my DH is under no illusions about what I went through, and I think would do anything that we could afford to make it easier if there's a next time.

lazarou · 14/01/2008 15:41

You know, it might not be so bad the second time. It was terrifying for me the first time but the second time everything was fantastic.

lamprey · 14/01/2008 15:43

Hi sorry to hear about your birth experience. This will not be relevant if you don't live in the london area, but I think if I have another child I am going to the Edgware Birth Centre. This is NHS and it doesnt matter where you live in London.

Wherever you are, there may be similar birth centres run by the NHS. Good luck.

lamprey · 14/01/2008 15:44

also-apparently private hospitals are not necessarily better in the way they manage the birth-more important is the policy of the individual centre.

doggiesayswoof · 14/01/2008 15:48

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, if you can afford it. But.... going private can't guarantee 100% that you won't have complications - I'm not trying to scare you, but there it is.

If I were you I'd get a doula too, especially if your dh won't be with you in labour.

NatalieJane · 14/01/2008 15:50

If it helps at all, I also have a 5 year age gap between my two sons, my first labour was absolutely terrible, second one was fantastic, would do it again in an instant (in fact the plans are set in place to do it again!!!).

Probably won't make much difference to your state of mind at the moment, but DS2's birth really 'made up' for DS1's. I'd always felt like I'd failed with DS1's birth, but DS2's showed me I did nothing of the sort!

bobsmum · 14/01/2008 15:55

I agree with others - I had a rubbish birth with ds. In labour for 3 days, ended up with emergency section and complications afterwards due to over enthusiastic unnecessary examinations by student doctors (who I'd requested were not there) and to top it all off I was in Watford General which was exposed on one of those Ch4 documentaries for it's sheer crapness and filthiness.

however dd's birth, although still long and not without a wee bit of drama, was a world apart and very satisfying. And I'm now expecting no3, and determined to get as much say in the whole palaver as possible!

I agree about a doula - could never afford one personally - but if money suddenly dropped in my lap - I would go for a doula above all other "extra" birth options

technogeisha · 14/01/2008 15:57

If you are in London, I would recommend visiting Edgware Birth Centre. I had DD1 there and they were fantastic. They treat you really well and have masses of experience so they know the signs, if you needed to be transferred to hospital. Was booked in for DD2 but had homebirth instead, as we had no one to look after DD1. Its not like a hospital at all, lovely calm atmosphere, no visiting times and your DP can stay the night. We even had chinese take away delivered there!

StarlightMcKenzie · 14/01/2008 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KelaS · 14/01/2008 16:35

bobsmum - how long ago was it that you were in Watford General, and was it only for you first one or both? I am due to give birth there any day, and although I have been avoiding finding out what it is like as I don't really have a choice, it would be good to get some insight from someone who has been there - ie if you were there for both births, had it got better in between?

Sorry to hijack thread btw

Soph73 · 14/01/2008 16:43

There will be 5.5yrs between my DS1 & 2 because DS1´s birth was dreadful for me. DS2 is due in April & since finding mumsnet I´m heartened by the fact that the second birth can be a lot less traumatic. I´ll let you know

alfiesbabe · 14/01/2008 16:55

I agree that paying isn't necessarily going to guarantee a good birth experience. In fact, you could end up feeling worse if you feel you've paid out a lot of money and been cheated. I had dd1 in a very small midwife led unit, and if you can find somewhere like this you may feel a lot happier. I found it wonderful having one midwife who supported me through labour. The whole atmosphere was very calm and it didnt feel at all like being in a hospital.
Also, statistically second births are easier than first, so the chances are you'll be fine.

HonoriaGlossop · 14/01/2008 16:57

YANBU. I have not got this particular issue as we are very happy with one, but I know for certain that IF I had wanted another, I would have done this, or at the very least hired a doula.

It's so important you feel you will have someone (other than your partner) WITH you and supporting you.

bobsmum · 14/01/2008 17:32

Kela - I had a written a massive (probably quite unhelpful) post but the computer crashed!

I had ds at the end of 2002, so ages ago now I suppose!

I started off (after a couple of days of prelabour on my TENS machine!) in the midwife led unit downstairs, which was fab - can't fault it - lovely staff, great place. But after 4/5 hours I was shifted upstairs to the high risk unit (failure to progress). It all changed there.

The staff seemed overworked and grumpy and desperate to get rid of me. They were not impressed that ds was not budging. The unit was dirty.

AFter ds eventually started getting distressed a lovely consultant came in and explained my options and I had a relatively calm emergency section.

The postnatal ward was filthy and not cleaned or swept in the 5 days I was there. I asked family to bring in antibacterial wipes etc. THe toilets were filthy with blood on the floor and toilet and overflowing bins. There was only one shower and toilet for my corridor - that's an awful lot of post natal women. It was grim and victorian

But if everything's straightforward, as most births are, you can have a lovely birth downstairs and get home ASAP.

It was just my labour in the upstairs bit and the 5 days postnatal that were hell. The first bit and ds' actual 15 minute birth were fine.

I had dd in GLasgow in a brand new teaching hospital which was fab and a different world. CLean and tidy with one loo/shower in each room of 4 mums. Bliss!

tyaca · 14/01/2008 17:45

YANBU -- he really needs to support you on this. wonder if there's a way to meet in the middle? ie, if you had a private midwife, or a doula, it may be a cheaper option? giving him the impression that you're willing to consider the options could help him here

KelaS · 14/01/2008 20:38

Bobsmum - I would love to go to the downstairs unit but unfortunately can't due to high BMI, so will have to brave it upstairs. Did go for a visit a few weeks ago though and it all seemed clean etc, so maybe they have upped their game since then - lets hope so

hertsnessex · 14/01/2008 20:48

tinx, think of tlking to someone at the birth crisis charity set up by sheila kitzinger to discuss your first birth.

Just because you go private doesnt mean the care will be any different, and i do think that Tyaca is right - yyou need either a private MW or doula.

good luck

mumclaire · 14/01/2008 21:35

I second that hertsnessex, please try and find someone to talk through your first birth experience - I'm expecting dc2 soon and had dd 2 years ago and just got referred by my midwife to talk to a mw at the hospital who went through my old notes word by word. It really helped me understand what happened and why and has cleared up some issues that means I feel far more positive about this second birth than I was.
By all means do what you would feel safer/more comfortable doing (theres a webpage - drfoster.co.uk I think which tells you hospitals and birth centres near your postcode - you may have nhs birth unit near you which is not hospital like.

Original poster

tinx · 14/01/2008 22:54

THANK YOU ALL
really helpful view's
i thought i was mental or something
thought the pnd had taken a new turn

the birth center i was researching
is the tooting birth center
run by that flint woman
or do you gals suggest maybe, south London midwifes has anyone used them at all?

OP posts:

sophisticatedlangoustine · 14/01/2008 23:03

Kela - I'm sure you'll be fine It was 5 years ago now (erk - I feel old!)

(bobsmum btw)

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