To create an online manual for housework

[lokabrenna]

I’m fed up of doing all the housework, but husband claims not to know what needs doing, and when it is done it’s done badly.

Would I be unreasonable to create a little online manual that explains how to look after the house?

I do explain things to him, like that the fluff thing needs emptying on the tumble dryer, or that the dishwasher has a filter that needs cleaning, but he never remembers, so all these things fall on me.

im thinking he can read the manual, plus added bonus is that when he says he didn’t know it needed doing I can tell him to refer to the manual as I’m done repeating myself.

Why can't he make a list of jobs?

I have ADHD and I actively searched for a way to manage housework. I use TOMM when I can be arsed; sometimes it's too big an ask and I stick with the basics for a few days weeks months; basics is the dishes and laundry under control. If the place doesn't get dusted or hoovered, tough. DH doesn't do any of that stuff, or care if I don't. He has other areas of responsibility though.

I think it's fair enough if he can't see what needs doing; if he has never learned to do housework, it could be overwhelming. I don't do DIY because I was never taught which drill bit does what, or what screws you need for whatever, and I'm not interested enough to try and learn. So either DH does it (but he doesn't!) or it doesn't get done at all.

Housework is more important than that, though, and everyone needs to engage a little bit. If your DH is like me, giving him a list, telling him what needs doing when, will actually work. He just needs specifics.

Maybe give him a list of what housework he should be doing, and accept that he's not going to notice anything else. Then discuss what other areas of responsibility he's willing to take over, so that the load is shared evenly? There might be something that would come more easily to him, that would ease things for you.

Downloaded Sweepy, started filling it in, got the rage that I do so many jobs without a stupid app to remind me and realised I would prob just be the one ticking the tasks off. So effectively just making myself more work.

We could do with these, both pretty inept at house work. We do ok, but I think my parents were not great at "doing things properly" and so I never learned what it takes to "run a house". I have a friend who is my idol. Her house runs like clock work. Descaling, decluttering, seasonal wardrobe changes. You name it she has it covered. I'd love to be more like her, even 30% of her would be amazing. The type that cooks from scratch, whose outside bins are always sparkling, no weed on front door path, no finger prints on the walls etc etc. She just knows what she needs to do all the time and I just don't. We call a handyman for every little thing and we are living near chaos levels often. I feel frazzled by it and always feel I'm never on top of it. It sadens me as I always wanted to be a "proper" grown up. My dh and I both have "big jobs", our kids are well adjusted etc. We are well presented etc. Seeing us on the street you'd never know how dreadful we are.

You add him as a family member, set the tasks to be allocated and let him crack on. You can set it so you don’t see his daily schedule. If he’s still not pulling his weight then you have actual proof that he’s not as he can’t have any excuses - you can set a reminder for the app to tell you to get on with the jobs

I would literally buy this.

Just a little summary for you OP:

**“I already make lists for him at his request,

lists for weekly jobs,

lists for house maintainance jobs,

lists of things he has to do for the kids cos I’m out

but husband claims not to know what needs doing, and when it is done it’s done badly.

but he never remembers, so all these things fall on me.

will do work at home if I make lists and ask repeatedly.

Often incorrectly first time, better second time.

But I have to ask over and over and over

It is sucking the life out of me.

But I’m a problem solver and I’m looking for something I can do that might help.

I have already stopped doing his stuff. We don’t sleep in the same bed so my sheets are clean and my bedroom tidy. He washes his own clothes.

Gets a bit annoying when he takes my freshly washed towel cos his is dirty.

But his stuff and my stuff doesn’t work when it comes to a clean kitchen.

He said his brain gets full.”**

If he has ND issues then it is for HIM to prioritise support and accommodations that make all of your lives more functional.

Why doesn’t he respect the impact this has on you?

Plenty of people who are ND are very sensitive to minimise impact on others. So this is not black and white with a get out of jail card for suspected ND.

You seem to have already repeatedly made many adaptations, compromises and accommodations to your life …. and are looking for more - why is he not driving this? Could you inadvertently be enabling him?

These types often latch on to highly competent and driven partners. Been there done that.

Time for boundaries, expectations, deadlines and consequences - like micro managing a toddler. Sexy isn’t it?

@DFOD i think you may have identified the issue, I am the highly competent and driven individual. Maybe I am enabling him.

I run this life like a complex project, just like I do at work. If I stop running it, then it just stops happening.

No it’s not sexy at all.

How else will he improve without a manual ?

He deliberately does things badly or incompletely so you don't ask him to do them again / more jobs.

Creating a manual is supporting his deliberate incompetence, in your position I'd refuse to enable him further & demand he contributes to the running & maintenance of the home/your lifestyle equally without direction, otherwise its like having another child not a partner.

Perhaps it should come out of his account since his incompetence is creating the problem for you.

Has anyone mentioned the book yet? Austerity Housekeeping www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00ASDW1U6/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_9SMPEE9HBCD9X471ZAMY

Written by Boffinmum . Don't need to reinvent the wheel

link

I have similar but in a chores app that my DCs can use to earn extra pocket money. All the chores are listed with directions on how to do them, set to different frequency depending on how often I'd like them done (but then they dissappear u tip the next time it's due so can't clean the same thing again and again!).

It is cheaper than getting a cleaner, but unfortunately my DCs aren't as motivated by money as I expected (occasionally they want something specific and a flurry of jobs get done!) so the house isn't a great deal cleaner! I am tempted to add myself to it, so at least I have an incentive to do the housework...

In terms of the OP, however. I refuse to go along with DH saying he needs to be told what needs doing and how. He is an adult, he should be able to work it out and mothering him is not my job. Of course, he hasn't, so I'm stuck with my seething resentment on that one!

Do people consider filter clearance as a regular household job? I do the dishwasher and washing machine cycles 2-3 times a week but filters? Not sure have ever done them.

Make one thing his - dishwasher is hard to get wrong whereas clothes can be shrunk. Then add more. But anyone who says they can't work a dishwasher works just get dumped as it's clearly rubbish.

Well, yeah - the consequences of not cleaning the dishwasher filter when somebody else forgets to scrape the food off the plates before abandoning them in the general area of the bottom drawer can be spectacular. So it gets done every Saturday morning - just so it isn't the foul job it proves to be once you have to mop up the gallons of water over the floor, rummage around the fetid water inside to find the filter, pull bits of food out of the thing and quite possibly clear a blocked drainage pipe as it goes into the U bend under the sink.

The washing machine one is more of a pain because it requires several towels for when the 2 pints of water piss out - but there's usually at least 5p and a couple of other bits in there because somebody else forgets to check their pockets. And the tumble drier condenser is revolting and almost impossible to clean the wet bits of fluff out from between the layers - it's why clothes can start to smell musty once they've been dried.

You could try the Rock the Housework podcasts - they are by the lady that does TOMM. Usually they are on the Patreon app which is £3 (ish) per month but there are some free ones to try on Spotify. They essentially talk you through a half hour clean. So your husband could listen to eg the hallway one whilst he does the hall etc. They are really instructive. There are also ones for children/teens. The concept has only been around for a couple of months but I love them.

Well he either thinks it's your job, or he isn't interested enough to make any effort. A manual isn't going to solve either of those things.