To create an online manual for housework

[lokabrenna]

I’m fed up of doing all the housework, but husband claims not to know what needs doing, and when it is done it’s done badly.

Would I be unreasonable to create a little online manual that explains how to look after the house?

I do explain things to him, like that the fluff thing needs emptying on the tumble dryer, or that the dishwasher has a filter that needs cleaning, but he never remembers, so all these things fall on me.

im thinking he can read the manual, plus added bonus is that when he says he didn’t know it needed doing I can tell him to refer to the manual as I’m done repeating myself.

Maybe I just get a cleaner! Might be easier than writing the toolkit…

For full disclosure, DH actually does 95% of the housework, but that's mostly as I have a physical disability and he is a good cleaner. I know full well my standards of cleanliness are rock bottom lower than DH's but as I love and respect him I at least make the effort to compromise, as does he. I certainly do what I am able to (for example I have a weekly reminder set on Alexa for the things we have agreed I would do).

I would feel guilt and shame if I took him for granted and just left it for him - I just don't want to treat someone I love, like that. Why does your DH not feel that?

so Yes, he holds down a job, and has hobbies. He makes a lot of mistakes with his hobbies and takes shortcuts, but this does not affect me.

He holds down a job, but craves excitement and variation, so changes roles a lot. Tends to work in roles where he’s responsible for the project but not the work.

will do work at home if I make lists and ask repeatedly. Often incorrectly first time, better second time. But I have to ask over and over and over

If we argue about this he does seem ashamed, but doesn’t indicate he can change. Says he understands it’s frustrating living with him but he doesn’t mean it, and that the lists are not nagging, and he needs the lists.

Sweepy app might be useful. Takes a bit of setting up at first but you can use it for all sorts.

All of this.

The manual is just another excuse for him to shift the blame for his laziness at home onto you.

By all means go ahead and write the manual, but he still won't do what he should be doing. He'll just find another delaying tactic.

Good luck!

This is actually a brilliant idea. My wife has ADHD and she really, really tries but she misses a lot! I might make a version for our household.

He pretends to be not aware because he doesn’t respect you and you’ll do it anyway, happy days for him!

You could do this - you could also save yourself some of the hassle by using the resources already out there. There are loads of housework guides/checklists/how tos out there if you Google. Obvs not specific to your home but adaptable.

Also (and not throwing shade at your other half in particular) some men hear it better from another man so you could also look up vlogs/blogs like this one:

It's your life, ofcourse. I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would wear my out to the point of sucking all joy from life. But you know what works best for your.

I just looked at this app and looks really good 👍

This is kinda why I’m here. It is sucking the life out of me. But I’m a problem solver and I’m looking for something I can do that might help.

I wouldn't bother, he's not interested and sees it as below him.

I actually think the best way is to do the minimum for your and DCs comfort and leave anything else and all his stuff:

Don't do his laundry - argh didn't see it
Don't do anything when his friends and/or family come over - making beds,planning meals - argh didn't know it needed doing, never mind with a shrug.

Men don't bother with things that don't affect them, you need to start making things affect him. This is shown that they always manage to hold down a job, attend meetings in time, do reports that are needed. Interestingly I've found they are also very skilled at planning, booking and communicating boys weekends/golf trips/cycling trips.

All of this OP.

I had one like this.

I ran myself ragged, filling the gaps, doing all of the adulting, taking all of the responsibility. It left me very resentful, frustrated and angry that I ended up exhausted and depressed.

Don’t be me. It eroded my self esteem and my experience of motherhood until the scales fell from my eyes and knew that this was disrespect - that he didn’t hear me because I was not his priority.

You say he is great a managing projects hand the whole lot over to him - the whole system, manual etc from scratch. See how he tackles it.

Some of characters are so precious and self indulgent and don’t do equality.

This is kinda why I’m here. It is sucking the life out of me. But I’m a problem solver and I’m looking for something I can do that might help.

His behaviour is so telling. Needs repeated “nagging” - then does it shit first time and better second time…..classic - know that this is deliberate and standard MO. Resistant, entitled and disrespectful. He knows exactly what he is doing.

Its tedious like working with a truculent toddler or teenager.

The Sweepy app is fantastic. My DH and I are very lazy people and right now if someone knocked on the door they could come in, no last minute tasks need doing or no quick tidy round to make it presentable.

once you’ve set up your tasks it allocates them to a family member and you get a daily schedule of what needs doing. You can add notes to the task so if the task is load the tumble dryer you can add a note to say “clear out fluff” if your DH really needs reminders like that.

it’s been great for encouraging us to think what we can do in a spare 5 minutes, then you just mark that task done. Oh and if we get a task and it already looks pretty clean we don’t skip it or question if it needs cleaning, we just do it anyway.

Gosh things seem kinda split between this being a good idea or a waste of my time.

I have already stopped doing his stuff. We don’t sleep in the same bed so my sheets are clean and my bedroom tidy. He washes his own clothes.

Gets a bit annoying when he takes my freshly washed towel cos his is dirty.

But his stuff and my stuff doesn’t work when it comes to a clean kitchen.

You will spend time writing a manual and he still won't do it, strategic incompetence to get out of everything.

I have asd and struggle with knowing when to do thing or whay things need doing, I Google it, I research it and I use Google calendar (which I also researched how to use) there is a world of knowledge on the Internet that already solved all these problems for him, that tells you what you need doing, how often etc, if he won't make the effort to help himself he won't read your manual either.

The danger with it is

a) he'll develop a sudden inability to cope with accessing The Handbook. Won't be able to remember that it's there or will go online and then either read the whole thing instead of the important bit or, more likely, go off watching YouTube videos on his hobby instead.

b) he'll ignore water pissing out over the floor because 'you didn't write what I was supposed to do in The Handbook - you had What to Do if There's Water on the Bathroom Floor, but this was the kitchen floor and you definitely didn't say I couldn't use the vacuum cleaner to clean it up'.

His brain is 'full' of things that are interesting to him. ADHD commonly has elements of hyperfocus, where something is absolutely absorbing because it provides just the right kind of stimulation/is interesting to the person. Dealing with dirt, dust and grime isn't interesting or stimulating, so he doesn't have any interest in it.

I wouldn't do anything that would encourage DP to go on his laptop, as once it's on, that's him for hours. A hardcopy manual might be useful, as he'd not be distracted by the YouTube option. But it's not guaranteed.

Also, although people often say 'what would he do on his own?', the answer is 'live in a flatshare with thick sticky grime over 30 tins and packets welded to the worktop, a stinking bin without bin bags and full bin bags leaking on the kitchen floor, raggedy clothes, a broken vacuum cleaner that he hasn't got around to replacing for the last three years and existing upon a diet largely consisting of Haribo Sourmix and Pringles'.

I'd go for him paying for a cleaner instead.

Yes, without me he would either live in a horrid mess, or get a cleaner who would also need to be a tidy upper (cos everything would be in the way of cleaning).

I should have paid more attention to his house at the start… it was ok on the surface, but then I found the things that had been left to get mucky and kinda hidden.

Did he live independently before he met you or did you acquire him from his mum?

Ok, no manual! Gonna get me a CLEANER! and it’s coming out the joint account

Do you really believe he doesn't know? Ofc he does it just suits him to play dumb.

He lived independently- quite a lot of stuff shoved in boxes and hidden away. Strange layer of fat on worktop next to cooker. Terrible fridge.

Hindsight is wonderful.

Comments here are harsh. Executive functioning issues are real issues that people have. Do it op, I make a list of housework jobs because I have adhd and I forget otherwise.