to disagree with these family bitching sessions?

[elzober]

Two close female family members A and B both run errands and are employed by another family member C.

C is elderly, has a condition that means she uses a wheelchair and also runs a small company.

A helps C with running of the company for a salary and is also a shareholder, does a few errands here and there.

B has a more formal errand arrangement with C to do her shopping that comes with a small salary and is also a company shareholder.

C also has a set of paid carers that visit daily to help her.

There's no denying that C is a difficult character. Quite controlling, can be patronising, denies the realities of her disabilities and generally a very stoic stiff upper lip type. She has done things over the years that have caused stress to A and B and is often unmoveable once she's made her mind up about sth.

A and B find her so difficult and whenever they both see each other they spend lots of time discussing what she said, what she did, how they don't agree with her on such and such, and generally taking everything C does very personally. It's a proper bitching session and theyve gone on like this for a number of years.

Sometimes I'm around too when A and B meet up (as theyre my close family). I now leave the room when a C bitching session begins. I've had enough and I think it's toxic.

I understand the need to vent but its been the same conversations and issues for years and nothing ever changes. They also like to drag up ancient past and things C did in her youth long before the current situation. They just love tearing her to shreds and analysing everything she does. It's like the C gossip is a massive tie that binds them but the more I hear it now as an adult, the more I find it distasteful.

If C is that bad and causes them that much stress IMO they should stop taking her money, cut ties and leave it. Why do anything in life with such seething resentment?

Or they should just reframe the whole situation, take nothing personally and stop dissecting every single thing about C and no longer speak about her.

Or have a frank convo with C instead of bitching behind her back.

I've said all this to A and B but they maintain I just don't get it as I dont have to work with C and only see her occasionally.

AIBU?

They need to blow off steam, you need to leave the room.

There's no problem here unless they get offended when you leave?

I think if C is their boss that adds a whole layer to the dynamic. I'd just carry on leaving the room if you're uncomfortable.

I agree. This is a you problem. They need to vent. That way they can continue to offer the help. They must be getting something worthwhile out of the transaction otherwise they wouldn’t do it.

Leave them to it - all employees need to blow off steam.

They shouldn’t vent when you’re around

Why don't you speak out as it occurs? it's ok for them to vent but rehashing old experiences and constantly bitching about someone is not. You need to speak up and call them out on it as it happens. To remove yourself from the room simply abdicates you from all responsibility but enables their behaviour to continue 😥

Don't take it C, it will serve no purpose other than to hurt this person.

I get the need to vent but venting for 20 years just doesnt seem healthy. If I'm unhappy in situations, I move on and make a change.

As a pp said, just leave the room. Soon as our horrible new boss leaves the room, me and my colleague often talk about her.

While they are also family, they do work for her and can moan about her if they want. As long as C is happy with the service they are providing and they're not ripping her off/taking the piss, I would just not partake I the conversations.

They must be getting something worthwhile out of the transaction otherwise they wouldn’t do it

A salary. And people working together, namely ones who are friends, will use bitching about mgmt or other colleagues as conversation fodder and as a means to bond. If you are so bothered leave the room but I don't see why you care.

Why don't you speak out as it occurs? it's ok for them to vent but rehashing old experiences and constantly bitching about someone is not. You need to speak up and call them out on it as it happens. To remove yourself from the room simply abdicates you from all responsibility but enables their behaviour to continue

because they are adults and not breaking any law, they can do what they want and it is not up to the op to parent them.

Yes they get a full time salary, for a part time job so financially the arrangement suits them.

The bitching never used to bother me (its gone on for years) until a couple of years ago after I had therapy and did some work on myself about having healthy relationships, being more emotionally mature and healthy behaviours etc. I then started to see certain family dynamics and behaviours in a new light but maybe Im being too harsh

They sound pretty vile to me, but I have a very low tolerance level for any kind of bitching and back stabbing. Ime, people who are comfortable bitching about one person like this do it about everyone they know. So juvenile and tiresome.

If its so awful they have a choice to get another job. I would confront them about it and spend as little time around them as possible.

Sounds like they are tied. Convenience, family duty, knowing C wouldn't easily find a replacement if they left just a few examples that could be making them feel that starting is the choice to make. Sometimes you can be in a toxic situation and still not be free to leave. Its not always simple.
It does sound tedious and toxic and there is a balance to be found between venting for sanity and bearing things with better grace, also for sanity. Maybe they're getting the balance all wrong (sounds like it) maybe they've got boiled frog syndrome and have become so used to it they don't notice the toxicity anymore.
You've made your points which are all fair and they've rejected it, they're saying you don't understand, maybe they're just not listening. But that's that, leaving the room is the best approach left.

Sound like you just think you’re better than them tbh.

@TopCatsTopHat yes I think it's a fair point. There's not much they can do and I can just leave if they want to vent.

people who are comfortable bitching about one person like this do it about everyone they know. So juvenile and tiresome
@CalistoNoSolo I think this is exactly why it bothers me sometimes too as it can get quite venemous, not just about work-related matters, particular when they are taking something very personally that she said/ did I wonder if they have talks about me like this too if I say or do the wrong thing. These are my closest female relative so I find it unsettling and I've actually started not to confide in them as I used to.

That is you, this is them, you don’t have to join in. Your solution of leaving the room seems to suit everyone.

because they are adults and not breaking any law, they can do what they want and it is not up to the op to parent them.

Op doesn't need to parent them and I agree they aren't breaking laws, but are they venting and letting off steam or or is this something more? To have a moan is one thing, but to rehash someone's behaviour over a 20 yr period sounds toxic...

If you hear someone spouting homophobic/ racist abuse? do you act because it's breaking the law or because it's morally reprehensible? Or perhaps you chose to do nothing because it's all adults 🤔

I totally agree with you OP it sounds very toxic/bitchy, I am surprised with the way the voting has gone!

You just keep on doing what you are doing and leave the room when they discuss her.

Yes they have other options but maybe they feel obligated to C and/or whilst they find certain aspects of the role unpleasant, it's an easy gig for them.

Most people enjoy a grumble about their manager from time to time, it seems that the issue is that it's family so feels worse.

Surely your therapy has taught you that the only person you can change is yourself?

The bitching never used to bother me (its gone on for years) until a couple of years ago after I had therapy and did some work on myself about having healthy relationships, being more emotionally mature and healthy behaviours etc. I then started to see certain family dynamics and behaviours in a new light but maybe Im being too harsh

You might be on to something here. I had a lovely friend who was so relaxed but had a tough enough life. She started into therapy and it defo gave her that attitude that everybody around her was toxic and were at fault etc.

I suppose she thought she was being independent etc and removing toxic people etc but she turned into a complete bitch and arshehole and became blind to her own faults. It really changed her into a judgemental condescending monster so yes be careful you aren't being too harsh.

*To have a moan is one thing, but to rehash someone's behaviour over a 20 yr period sounds toxic...

If you hear someone spouting homophobic/ racist abuse? do you act because it's breaking the law or because it's morally reprehensible? Or perhaps you chose to do nothing because it's all adults*

what the women are doing has absolutely no comparison to racism or homophobia so I don't see your point.

what the women are doing has absolutely no comparison to racism or homophobia so I don't see your point.

You don't see 2 carers bitching about the vulnerable person as bullying?

Is bullying not as vile as homophobia/ racism ?

🤔

*You don't see 2 carers bitching about the vulnerable person as bullying?

Is bullying not as vile as homophobia/ racism *

They are bitching about her behaviour, even the op said the woman isn't that nice and is very difficult. And just because 1 is in a wheelchair doesn't make them necessarily 'vulnerable' or make it more acceptable for them to be badly behaved. The op never mentioned them bitching about her disability.

It be different if she had bad mental health problems or alzeimers.
I have a bad disability but it's no excuse for me to be a bitch. Vulnerable and disabled are 2 different things.

They also like to drag up ancient past and things C did in her youth long before the current situation. They just love tearing her to shreds and analysing everything she does. It's like the C gossip is a massive tie that binds them

Is this not bullying? They are not complaining about what C did last week!

But it's still not racism or homophobia or anywhere near that, it's just bitching.
The topic as long as it's not racist etc is not relevant. Not saying it's nice but you are taking a big leap jumping to linking it with criminal acts like racism.

We all bitch and moan about people, racism is a whole different level.