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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop asking him to come to days out/ events?

46 replies

dustbunniesinthewild · 11/06/2022 11:33

My husband has never been very sociable. He loved lockdown and Covid restrictions because he had an excuse not to go anywhere! He's also depressed, and has been on medication for about 5 years.

Since things lifted, I've been seeing friends and family more, going for meals and trips out. On all those occasions (except one girls night out), I have invited him to come. Pre-pandemic, he would come to most things with my family, and only very occasionally with my friends. He hasn't been to a single social occasion since Covid struck.

We also had a short holiday back in October, which was meant to be my birthday present. He decided the morning we were due to go that he didn't want to, so I ended up going alone.

Today, I'm visiting my parents. I haven't asked him to come this time, because I don't see the point, when the answer will inevitably be no. He's acting all put out about it and it's pissing me off.

AIBU to stop asking him, and wait for him to tell me he would like to join in again?

OP posts:
ChickenGotLegs · 11/06/2022 11:37

Can't you just ask him just once,to keep the peace? if he says no then so be it and go alone. That way he can't throw it back in your face saying you never invite him anywhere 🤷🏻‍♂️

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/06/2022 11:48

Don't ask him, just let him know your plans at the start of the week and tell him he is welcome if he wants to come to anything then crack on.

MarinoRoyale · 11/06/2022 11:50

I’d stop asking him but I’d also be re-evaluating the relationship if he’s that content to be at home all the time. What do you ever do together as a couple?!

ManateeFair · 11/06/2022 11:57

YANBU.

We also had a short holiday back in October, which was meant to be my birthday present. He decided the morning we were due to go that he didn't want to, so I ended up going alone.

Was that meant to be with other people, or just you and DP?

It sounds like there’s a lot more going on here than someone who just isn’t sociable, to be honest. It sounds like he’s actually got some kind of phobia. It’s not normal for someone, even someone really unsociable, to agree to a mini-break for their partner’s birthday and then, on the morning of the holiday, to just suddenly flat-out refuse to go.

The possibilities here are that he is developing genuine agoraphobia, or that he is a selfish arsehole who can’t be bothered to put himself out for anyone else.

nokitchen · 11/06/2022 11:59

I'd get a shared calendar going. Put stuff you intend to do in it. If he chooses to join you he can

TheMarmaladeYears · 11/06/2022 12:04

Don't ask him, just let him know your plans at the start of the week and tell him he is welcome if he wants to come to anything then crack on.

Absolutely this. Solves the issue of him being upset about not being invited but doesn't commit him to come along.

PurassicJark · 11/06/2022 12:10

nokitchen · 11/06/2022 11:59

I'd get a shared calendar going. Put stuff you intend to do in it. If he chooses to join you he can

What, she needs to be his secretary now? 🙄

He has issued clearly but is also no doubt one of those that refuses to get any help. I would tell him straight that I'm not going to bother asking him anymore as he won't come anyway and he is just constantly letting me down so can't be assed with him anymore. When he wants help and is willing to accept it, I'll be there, but otherwise I'll just carry on with my life. You can't help someone who won't take it.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 11/06/2022 12:12

We also had a short holiday back in October, which was meant to be my birthday present. He decided the morning we were due to go that he didn't want to, so I ended up going alone.

For that alone I’d LTB

There surely must be other, more serious issues than him not being sociable.

rwalker · 11/06/2022 12:22

PurassicJark · 11/06/2022 12:10

What, she needs to be his secretary now? 🙄

He has issued clearly but is also no doubt one of those that refuses to get any help. I would tell him straight that I'm not going to bother asking him anymore as he won't come anyway and he is just constantly letting me down so can't be assed with him anymore. When he wants help and is willing to accept it, I'll be there, but otherwise I'll just carry on with my life. You can't help someone who won't take it.

Show quote history

Nothing to do with being a secretary it's just basic comunication .

Depression and sounds like social anxiety can be crippling and TBH OP would be better going on her own so she doesn't have to worry about him.

The majority of people with MH are reluctant to get help it's the norm .

nokitchen · 11/06/2022 12:32

Exactly. If OP goes without telling her partner her plans he can potentially say ' oh you didn't tell me' making her feel bad/playing the victim card.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/06/2022 12:41

Honestly after plans are made I'd ask him ONCE if he was coming and then say "Ok, that's your final decision. Let me know if you change your mind, because I'm not asking again". But frankly I'd make plans that suited me under the assumption that he'll not want to go or will back out at the last minute.

PandaOrLion · 11/06/2022 12:45

Sounds like my friends husband. What is is doing to manage the depression - could you try couples therapy if you’re not in it already.

HollowTalk · 11/06/2022 12:48

That sounds an incredibly depressing way for you both to live.

Do you love him?

PurassicJark · 11/06/2022 19:33

rwalker · 11/06/2022 12:22

Nothing to do with being a secretary it's just basic comunication .

Depression and sounds like social anxiety can be crippling and TBH OP would be better going on her own so she doesn't have to worry about him.

The majority of people with MH are reluctant to get help it's the norm .

Show quote history

There is nothing you can do to help them though if they won't get help. You can't force help on them, it won't work.

He huffs at not being asked, he will huff too if he has to bother to check something. There's no point to it, just extra work for op.

HairyScaryMonster · 12/06/2022 09:01

Can you tell him he has an open invite unless you say otherwise?

Original poster
dustbunniesinthewild · 12/06/2022 17:06

Thanks everyone. Yes, I do love him, and I am understanding of his anxiety and depression, up to a point. I don't complain about having to go to things on my own, when everyone else is with their partner/ family. My own family have stopped asking why he hasn't come again and they don't accommodate for him anymore, e.g wouldn't book him a seat at a restaurant as a matter of course.

The holiday was the thing that gave me a bit of a kick to the stomach, to be honest. It wasn't with a group, it was just meant to be us two, so I was on my own in a country I had never been to before. I think he expected me to stay at home with him, but I went anyway.

The thing is, he wouldn't have come yesterday anyway, so it didn't matter whether I asked him or not. I know what the answer will be. I've told him that I won't ask him anymore because he always says no, that he can look at the calendar (I always write whatever I'm doing on there, and he sees it every time he goes into the kitchen) and HE can ask me if he wants to come.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 12/06/2022 17:11

NGL I would find this intolerable ... Not sure I could continue a relationship with this man tbh. Bailing on the trip planned for your BIRTHDAY?! Because he 'wasn't well?' Hmm Nah, this would be game over for me. He won't change. He doesn't want to.

DinoWoman · 12/06/2022 17:38

Oh that sounds rubbish. I don't mind doing social things on my own either and regularly travel and stay with my family without my DH. However I would be very pissed off if he decided not to come with me on holiday at the last minute. It sounds like he has a phobia of going outdoors and needs therapy.

AuntieMarys · 12/06/2022 17:41

Mot much point being with him if you don't do things together. I would have been.livid about the holiday

goldfinchonthelawn · 12/06/2022 17:43

Talk to each other!!!!
Explain why you didn't ask him: he says no.
Tell him how upset you were that he effectively cancelled your birthday present last minute by making you go alone.
Tell him you need him to either make an effort to be more sociable or to be fully supportive of you socialising without asking him.

DH is autistic and never leaves the bloody house. I cajoled him into doing choir, otherwise, I;d be the only person he ever spoke to, as DC have left home. It worries me, but it doesn;t worry him, so I have to let him be.

Peoniesandcream · 12/06/2022 17:47

Depression does make you lose enjoyment I things previously enjoyable. Sounds like he needs more support for his Depression, get him to go back to his GP

Crimeismymiddlename · 12/06/2022 18:03

You and your husband need to tackle this now. In a few years it will breed a lot of resentment and you will feel rotten going to everything on your own.
If he is depressed you can both try to tackle it, if not he really needs to come to a few things, not everything but not going on a couples holiday and letting you go on your own is actually horrible.

Crimeismymiddlename · 12/06/2022 18:05

Also, he is acting all pissed off about you not asking him to your parents. Has no one ever told him that if you say no all the time you stop getting invited.

Original poster
dustbunniesinthewild · 12/06/2022 18:06

@goldfinchonthelawn, we do talk and I have had all those conversations with him. He can't see past whether he wants to do something or not, so it doesn't matter whether I would like company, or how upset I might be. If he's not interested in something, it's like it doesn't exist to him.

Maybe I'm reaching the point where I've had enough. Can't imagine living like this for the next 40 years.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 12/06/2022 18:15

He can't see past whether he wants to do something?

What about you? Does he realise what an utterly shitty thing he did to you regarding your birthday holiday? How incredibly selfish his actions were?

I don't blame you for having had enough. The birthday thing alone is a LTB moment!

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