AIBU to stop asking him to come to days out/ events?

[dustbunniesinthewild]

My husband has never been very sociable. He loved lockdown and Covid restrictions because he had an excuse not to go anywhere! He's also depressed, and has been on medication for about 5 years.

Since things lifted, I've been seeing friends and family more, going for meals and trips out. On all those occasions (except one girls night out), I have invited him to come. Pre-pandemic, he would come to most things with my family, and only very occasionally with my friends. He hasn't been to a single social occasion since Covid struck.

We also had a short holiday back in October, which was meant to be my birthday present. He decided the morning we were due to go that he didn't want to, so I ended up going alone.

Today, I'm visiting my parents. I haven't asked him to come this time, because I don't see the point, when the answer will inevitably be no. He's acting all put out about it and it's pissing me off.

AIBU to stop asking him, and wait for him to tell me he would like to join in again?

He can't see past whether he wants to do something or not

He doesn't sound depressed he's sounds selfish

Just from your posts think there may be some low grade autism along with depression - social anxiety and cancelling birthday trip a very last minute are all pointing towards both issues.

Suggest you, if possible, get counselling - it will help you to clarify your thoughts regarding DH's long term mental health issues.

It really helps with coping strategies etc.
Also deciding whether love is enough as long term its lonely.

@lynxca16, that's really interesting. I've been wondering whether some of his struggles might be linked to ASD.

@everythingelseisafacade I really don't think he's selfish on purpose, and he's always bewildered if I point out any selfish behaviour to him. Like the lovely lady at the post office who always asks how he is- he doesn't ever ask her how she is in return, and is visibly confused when I point out that it wouldn't kill him to ask her back.

It's perfectly possible to be both.

OP I think you need to make some decisions about how you want to live the rest of your life.

Of course you can crack on making your own plans, but there is imho something very sad about being in a relationship where so many memories are not shared.

I'd personally be very sad (and embarrassed) if my DH made no effort with my family.

I'd be furious if he left me to go alone on a holiday for a significant event.

Being depressed isn't a free pass for behaving badly and I feel you are acting like a boiled frog where you don't notice how hot the water is getting.

I'd also refuse to baby him with a diary. He doesn't want to engage so why waste your time?

I'm all for couples having their own interests and spending time apart but he's just checked out.

Having MH issues doesn't absolve you of being a dick.

I’m a homebody but even this would get on my nerves. Not sure if I would be able to handle it, especially him sucking out of simple dinners with friends and family.

He told you the morning of your joint trip to another country, for your birthday, that he wasn’t going? Goodness. I’m all for solo travel and do it all the time - but that must have been incredibly stressful.

Just out of curiosity, how did you get on? Was the trip more, or less enjoyable without him?

@TottersBlankly, I'm still really proud of myself for going on my own. I enjoyed the days, going sightseeing, being able to get up early and get out and about. I'm usually awake by 6am, and he likes to sleep in, so that was a nice change.

The evenings were harder. I felt very self-conscious going out for dinner by myself, so only did it once. The other nights, I bought food to eat in my room instead. I was also a bit nervous about being out on my own after dark, as the hotel he chose was in a bit of a dodgy area.

@dustbunniesinthewild It's good that you enjoyed yourself but you shouldn't have been put in that situation. The thought of you sitting alone at night on your birthday holiday away is actually a little bit heartbreaking.

Nice. A hotel in a dodgy area and he was happy for you to go alone....

I'm not really feeling the love here OP....

You do understand this is not a healthy relationship?

We all have our ups and downs but in a healthy relationship they balance out. Give and take.

From what you posted you just give and get worse than nothing. A dodgy hotel room alone FFS.

He might have MH issues but it doesn't excuse him from being a nasty person.

Has it occurred to you he might have booked this dodgy hotel because he never intended to go? But let you go alone?

Does he have his own friends and events to go to ? Or are most of them “tagging along” with yours ?

I only ask because I am a bit like him. I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to go with on my own terms so I resent everything I do being tagging along with my wife. So I prefer to avoid it altogether so it doesn’t remind me how sad and lonely I am.

Sounds as if you should make it an annual event. Perhaps your solo vacations could become longer and longer …

Your husband’s issue is quite sobering. (I know after the various lockdowns happened it took me a huge mental effort to drag myself out for any social event - though I enjoyed it once I was there. But going out has become much less habitual and needs stronger justification. The pandemic has rather enabled determined isolationism.)

You mention the next 40 years … He’ll probably become increasingly anti-social, while you’ll more and more want to escape. Perhaps you might consider separate households now - while you’re still on friendly terms.

To me, it doesn't really matter what his reasonings are.

He's self centered, unemotional (who realistically leave a birthday girl to go on holiday alone? My partner would never let me down like that) and totally disregards your needs.

I would be really hurt if my partner made no efforts with my parents.

You deserve better. You deserve a partner who wants a similar lifestyle. Someone who will support you as much as you support them.

My dh suffers from depression and when visiting family we bring two cars. I like to chill out and catch up with everyone and he is free to leave whenever he has reached his limit. Before we settled on that he always wanted to leave early.
I think you are fantastic to go on your own on the holiday..well done. Bet that gave him a shock.

Christ alive please don’t spend the next 40 years with a man who leaves you to go on your birthday holiday alone

plenty of men out there without anxiety. You honestly don’t need to work through this with him. You’ll end up even more miserable, and for what? The apparent love of a man who expects you to rot away with him?

Does he spend time with anyone else? Go out to work? If he refuses to go out with you, is he even getting enough daylight? What do you talk about?

I'm sorry to hear that you are lonely.

But ultimately it's not appropriate for anyone to make their partner feel their pain.

Exiting all social activity is doing that. To be clear I'm not suggesting there is no compromise to be had, but ultimately we have a responsibility to ourselves to be better.

Finding friends need not be as hard as you think. It is however hard to take those first steps.

Think about what you enjoy. Look up local groups. Many are actively looking for members and will welcome you.

You need to take action here. Your partner cannot fix this.

He sounds like a fun sponge- very selfish and not a joy to be with. the example of your birthday is crap.

My DH has these tendencies. Once when we were engaged I didn’t invite him to a party when he had complained about getting to know my friends as he didn’t enjoy their company . I said I didn’t know if I wanted to be with someone who would be part of my social life. He got the message and made an effort.

He then reverted to type 5 years later when we had children . Very selfish behaviour . After a further 5 years I read the riot act and decided that I was going to be happy with or without him. I was lonely . He now happily comes to parties and days out as long as he also has down time at home.

my advice - choose to be happy and don’t put up with this.

@CruCru and @brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, he used to have a circle of friends when we first met, a circle of people he had worked with for a very long time.

Over the years, they found partners, got married, had children, and stopped wanting the late nights out drinking that they used to do together. We had a few bbqs and meals out when he and I first got together, but they petered out. He has seen no-one but me for the last 6 months. We saw his parents at Christmas. He works at home, so has online text communication with colleagues via google chat, but nothing else.

Earlier, someone mentioned the frog in boiling water thing. Maybe that is me and I just haven't realised.

It sounds as though he doesn't understand normal social interactions? (the woman in the post office, for eg)
When i used to teach EFL we spent a lot of time going over how a british interaction in a shop or social situation will go - and the fact that "how are you?" is met with "fine, thank you, and how are you?". It is polite.

If your DP, who is an adult, still doesn't understand this, how many times does he think you have to remind him?

Next time you have a conversation abut it use the words "i feel" a lot. Don't talk about his feelings or wishes, drive home what your feelings and wishes are. Then tell him he's got 3 months to shape up or you're reconsidering.

We also had a short holiday back in October, which was meant to be my birthday present. He decided the morning we were due to go that he didn't want to, so I ended up going alone.

This is HORRIBLE

with the best will in the world, I’m 46 and it’s been like this for decades. I don’t know what to do and I don’t fit in with anyone.

The OP’s chap sounds similar to me - I had work friends years ago which felt like friendship and we had at least work stuff in common but it drifts away and there’s nothing left. I find most blokes unbearable as I’m just not interested in what most guys enjoy doing. If I do something it’s alone, if she does something it’s with friends. If she does something with me it feels like charity and reminds me of how I feel, so messed up.