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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend issues: would you take offence at this?

49 replies

FlyingPi · 10/06/2022 15:02

I have a friend who I met when our kids (age 7) were babies and they have kind of grown up together although we now don't live in the same town. To be honest, sometimes I find her a bit much as she's had a number of problems (some real, some exaggerated) over the years and needs a lot of support, I've listened to her complain about things for hours on end. But I do basically like her and the kids play really nicely together.
So recently we had kind of a row and I can't stop thinking about the way she treated me.
She texted asking if I wanted to meet up with the kids in her town the next day on a weekend. I replied saying that it would be nice but we were going to be having a very long day today as he was doing an all-day sports event with hours of travelling and I would check in tonight. What I meant: 'I'm not sure if we'll have the energy to come as we might be really tired so I am not confirming right now'. What she took it to mean: 'I will definitely come and will arrange the time tonight'.
Got back really late, by the time child was in bed I crashed out also and we were not up that early, I also had to deal with clearing up after some building work that had been done the day before. By the time I looked at my phone it was about 11am and there were three messages from her. So I replied saying, sorry I didn't reply, to be honest we're both really knackered and won't make it in today. I have to travel by public transport so it's a bit of an effort to go to the other town. I suggested meeting the next week.
Anyway, she went absolutely nuts on me, with repeated messages about how upset she was, how upset her child was as she'd told him he would see his friend, she'd kept him off something else and had been waiting around to hear from me, why do I have no consideration for her etc. I replied that I was sorry, it was obviously a miscommunication but she didn't really seem to take that on board. In all she sent me six messages all going on about this.
It upset me, I am not great at being criticised and do try to please people. I showed my partner the messages when he got back and he was raging, he feels she's too demanding and needy, I should just drop the friendship as I don't get much back. At the very least he thought I should say something to her about this. However, I didn't, I just left it a week or so and texted again as normal. We have met up since, it was fine I guess, the kids had a good time.
BUT AIBU to hold a little grudge about this? Or AIBU to think that we only had a loose arrangement? What would you take my initial text to mean, that I was coming or not?

OP posts:

Peach777 · 10/06/2022 15:05

YANBU to feel annoyed with her

bit don’t hold a grudge - life’s too short. Feel your anger, then either get on with having a surface friendship where you’re careful to communicate exactly what you mean and take no shit from her, or find nicer friends.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 10/06/2022 15:06

Yanbu. She sounds very full on. If you’re happy to move on move on but don’t take any further rubbish from her. If you want to end the friendship- do so. You don’t need permission or a “reason” if it’s not working for you anymore that’s a reason.

SurfBox · 10/06/2022 15:07

Meh she sounds hard work and I have empathy as I have mates like this and I'm terrible at confrontation. I'd likely say nothing and let it go but that's me all over-I'm never assertive.

5128gap · 10/06/2022 15:13

I would have been annoyed with you too. You said you'd check in with her and didn't, so she was left not knowing what was going on. Rather than grit her teeth and politely lie 'oh thats fine' when you finally did reply, she was honest with you.
You should have been equally honest with her if you thought she went too far rather than say nothing and meet her as though you were ok about it, with all this drama of raging partners and holding grudges going on behind the scenes.

HyggeTygge · 10/06/2022 15:15

Sorry, I think you were a little bit unreasonable to a) not be clear what you meant and b) not give her any notice you weren't coming. Seems like she was correct in saying she was waiting around to hear from you.

But, she should've asked again and not assumed you were coming unless you said otherwise.

If people communicated clearly instead of trying not to tell anyone "no" at any cost, life would be much easier!

Motherinapickle · 10/06/2022 15:16

5128gap · 10/06/2022 15:13

I agree with this.
it takes seconds to text back. You should’ve replied the previous night.
if she’s also holding a grudge, she’s justified, Yabu

bridgetreilly · 10/06/2022 15:16

Your communication was unclear and you failed to follow up as you had said would. So YABU. But her reaction is over the top. Only you can decide whether you are actually friends or not.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/06/2022 15:18

She does sound needy and OTT but tbh it's kind of on you for not having been clearer.

Your reply was very ambiguous and could easily have been interpreted as "yes but let's speak later to nail down the details". And you should probably have given her a clear "no" in the evening so she knew what was what.

You say yourself you are a bit of a people pleaser and I think you need to work on your boundaries and being much clearer about what you communicate to people.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/06/2022 15:24

While she shouldn't have promised her son anything, I do think it was shitty of you not to text her back like you said you would.

I mean, you told her you'd confirm in the evening and then didn't bother to get back to her until 11am the following day. Not a nice way to treat someone who was hoping to see you, IMO.

Hardtobelieve123 · 10/06/2022 15:25

I’ve got into trouble like this in the past with a couple of my friends and it rings bells. I think you need (and I do) to say NO to things when you know that they aren’t do-able. Don’t put it off, just say sorry no.

secondly, yes, the way she has treated you is unpleasant and I’m afraid I have let it come between me and 2 of my friends.

but it’s worth becoming clearer and more assertive to prevent this kind of problem cropping up in the first place.

So take responsibility for your part in it. And you can portion her some of the blame too.

Try not to let it come between you. I’ve let friendships sour and honestly should have been both thicker skinned and more assertive.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 15:28

The message wasn't very clear, I think you saying "that would be nice" could be interpreted as meaning yes I will come but she still over reacted

stripesorspotsorwhat · 10/06/2022 15:38

Your friend is being unreasonable by taking it so badly, but to be honest, your message was really ambiguous, and I'd probably have taken it the same way she did, which was that you would be going, and would contact her the evening before to confirm what time.

ihavespoken · 10/06/2022 15:46

YABU for not just saying what you meant clearly, and for not replying til 11am the next day when you said you'd reply the night before. It's pretty rude

itsgettingweird · 10/06/2022 15:48

Well you said you'd let her know. You didn't.

Plus your message wasn't very clear that you'd let her know - it read more that you were busy all day so couldn't speak then and would get back to her.

She was showing her annoyance through the texts.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/06/2022 15:49

Your friend has reacted badly but I'd be pissed off with you too. I HATE waiting around for people not knowing if I can just get on with my day

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2022 15:52

I would have been annoyed as well; say no if it’s no next time

yourestandingonmyneck · 10/06/2022 15:58

You were really unclear.

Really, you should have just said no from the outset rather than planning to leave her hanging until the evening....and then actually leaving her hanging till the next day.

I can see why she is pissed off.

Also, yes, I can see why she has taken that message as "yes, tomorrow sounds good, I will confirm details later as we're busy just now".

As to whether or not she was being unreasonable.....nobody on here can know that.

If this was a one off, yes, she may have overreacted. But if you have form for this she's maybe just had enough.

TigerLilyTail · 10/06/2022 15:59

I actually think your message was really clear.

Beautiful3 · 10/06/2022 16:02

Yes she was wrong, but I wouldn't cut her off. I'd leave it a few weeks until she's calmed down. Discuss it with her, to see if she apologises.

Vsirbdo · 10/06/2022 16:02

I think she completely over reacted to a misunderstanding and I’d find that quite off putting

10HailMarys · 10/06/2022 16:03

I showed my partner the messages when he got back and he was raging, he feels she's too demanding and needy

I'm with your partner on this one.

There was a minor misunderstanding and you got a load of angry messages about it and weird guilt-tripping over her son being upset? Madness.

If I'd been in her position, when I didn't get a text back later that evening I would simply have thought 'Ah, they must have forgotten - never mind, we'll do something else tomorrow instead.' You forgot to send one text, once. Going berserk at you for that is ridiculous. If was a pattern of behaviour from you, or you'd promised clearly to do something and then just hadn't bothered, fine. But it was one minor error that was really not that big a deal.

Based on her reaction to this, and the fact that she's got form for being a drama queen and getting loads of support from you, I personally couldn't be doing with her.

DeadSouth · 10/06/2022 16:04

Definitely not unreasonable in the argument or to find her too much but if you want to continue the friendship you’d be unreasonable to hold a grudge without talking it through.

if you guys have another row in a year and you throw this up again its like keeping score.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2022 16:05

TigerLilyTail · 10/06/2022 15:59

I actually think your message was really clear.

Most people in the thread don't though so that probably means it isn't very clear to most people

KettrickenSmiled · 10/06/2022 16:08

BUT AIBU to hold a little grudge about this?

But doesn't a grudge only hurt you?

It also doesn't resolve anything.
It's probably too late to tackle the problem of last week now without coming over as ... well, a grudge-holder! - but maybe next time she is demanding, needy or rude, tackle her behaviour in the moment?

Also, watch your own communication. It's going to be easier to give her a flat "no" than allow her to misinterpret a "we're knackered, can't confirm yet" & then leaving it until the day itself to tell her no.

Retrievemysanity · 10/06/2022 16:10

You were unclear and you didn’t let her know for definite that you weren’t going to be able to meet up and that’s annoying. I don’t think she’s wrong to call you out on it but it wouldn’t be a friendship ender for me if I was either of you though.

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