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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend issues: would you take offence at this?

49 replies

FlyingPi · 10/06/2022 15:02

I have a friend who I met when our kids (age 7) were babies and they have kind of grown up together although we now don't live in the same town. To be honest, sometimes I find her a bit much as she's had a number of problems (some real, some exaggerated) over the years and needs a lot of support, I've listened to her complain about things for hours on end. But I do basically like her and the kids play really nicely together.
So recently we had kind of a row and I can't stop thinking about the way she treated me.
She texted asking if I wanted to meet up with the kids in her town the next day on a weekend. I replied saying that it would be nice but we were going to be having a very long day today as he was doing an all-day sports event with hours of travelling and I would check in tonight. What I meant: 'I'm not sure if we'll have the energy to come as we might be really tired so I am not confirming right now'. What she took it to mean: 'I will definitely come and will arrange the time tonight'.
Got back really late, by the time child was in bed I crashed out also and we were not up that early, I also had to deal with clearing up after some building work that had been done the day before. By the time I looked at my phone it was about 11am and there were three messages from her. So I replied saying, sorry I didn't reply, to be honest we're both really knackered and won't make it in today. I have to travel by public transport so it's a bit of an effort to go to the other town. I suggested meeting the next week.
Anyway, she went absolutely nuts on me, with repeated messages about how upset she was, how upset her child was as she'd told him he would see his friend, she'd kept him off something else and had been waiting around to hear from me, why do I have no consideration for her etc. I replied that I was sorry, it was obviously a miscommunication but she didn't really seem to take that on board. In all she sent me six messages all going on about this.
It upset me, I am not great at being criticised and do try to please people. I showed my partner the messages when he got back and he was raging, he feels she's too demanding and needy, I should just drop the friendship as I don't get much back. At the very least he thought I should say something to her about this. However, I didn't, I just left it a week or so and texted again as normal. We have met up since, it was fine I guess, the kids had a good time.
BUT AIBU to hold a little grudge about this? Or AIBU to think that we only had a loose arrangement? What would you take my initial text to mean, that I was coming or not?

OP posts:

NewNamePrivacyneeded · 10/06/2022 16:11

YABU

You said you would check in and didn't. She thought you were going to meet up and you never bothered to say you wouldn't. Add to that this tale is from your perspective of course - she sounds a bit over the top with the reaction but you don't do what you say you were going to do either.

How about 50:50 and next time message to cancel rather than ignoring messages whilst you find housework to do

Toddlerteaplease · 10/06/2022 16:15

You were really unclear. You should have been more direct.

Doingmybest12 · 10/06/2022 17:11

Would I take offence ? I guess depending on the content of her messages I might decide she isn't someone I want in my life of it is that extreme . But generally I would look at my own role in this and apologise for stringing her along and letting her down. It is upsetting when you think you have something arranged and then it doesn't happen .

UpendedPineapple · 10/06/2022 18:02

Do you do this often? In that you alter or cancel plans. If you're flaky she may have just had enough.

Also you could have found time prior to 11am to confirm you weren't meeting I'm sure

LIZS · 10/06/2022 18:06

If you thought it unlikely you should have said no from the beginning. Instead you left her, and her dc, hanging. Can see why she felt annoyed and disappointed.

TidyDancer · 10/06/2022 18:08

Depending on the content of her messages, she might've overreacted but you were really unclear and rude so I'd call it quits with the grudge. She's got more reason to hold one than you so not sure what you'd be achieving with it.

Innocenta · 10/06/2022 18:11

She sounds a bit difficult but regarding this specific situation, you were the one in the wrong, so YABU.

JohannSebastianBach · 10/06/2022 18:14

You should have said no in the first place. That would have saved a lot of aggro.

Maybe she went off the deep end a bit but you did mess her about so I can't blame her in some ways.

I don't think you should hold a grudge, I think you should apologise sincerely. Do you have form for being wishy washy about plans?

Adm1010 · 10/06/2022 18:18

i think YABU . Your message was unclear .

Her reaction does sound a little bit OTT but also as though this might have been a last straw ? Being honest with yourself are you a bit flaky ?

BattenburgDonkey · 10/06/2022 18:19

Your message suggested you would go, and you didn’t show her any consideration by not texting her in the evening like you said you would, so she had every right to be annoyed. But obviously she was over the top, if you don’t want to be friends with her then don’t be friends with her. Holding a grudge is just a waste of your energy though

oopsfellover · 10/06/2022 18:21

Her series of texts sounds a bit much but I think you could have been a bit clearer at the outset. You could have said what you ‘meant’ as you’ve written it here.

Labpictures · 10/06/2022 18:26

5128gap · 10/06/2022 15:13

I would have been annoyed with you too. You said you'd check in with her and didn't, so she was left not knowing what was going on. Rather than grit her teeth and politely lie 'oh thats fine' when you finally did reply, she was honest with you.
You should have been equally honest with her if you thought she went too far rather than say nothing and meet her as though you were ok about it, with all this drama of raging partners and holding grudges going on behind the scenes.

Yep I’d have been v annoyed especially if I asked you and you didn’t say no.

I used to have a friend that did this - I’d cancel and move stuff for her and then she couldn’t even be bothered until the day that she wasn’t coming.

it’s rude and entitled - don’t do it please. Excuses are excuses they don’t magic back time at the other end. This wasn’t unavoidable. 10 seconds to text sorry going to be to late and too much to fit in I’m sorry when she asked originally. Missing three phone calls and it being nearly mid day on the meet up is taking the Micky

Viviennemary · 10/06/2022 18:28

You should have made a decision. Then your friend would have known where she stood. That was quite annoying.But I don't think it's worth ending a friendship over.

RandomUsernameHere · 10/06/2022 18:32

I would have taken your message to mean "probably not", but you could have been more direct.

Simplelobsterhat · 10/06/2022 18:38

You expected her to wait around until 11am to find out if you were going to meet her that day? That's really rude.

It sounds like she did misunderstand how definite you were, but even if she hadn't she'd have been in limbo about her plans for that day until late morning, when you'd said you'd confirm the evening before. I can see why she's annoyed even without the misunderstanding.

Saz12 · 10/06/2022 18:42

Your message could be taken to mean “Sounds fun, I’m in, but not sure what time we’ll make it over to you as a long day beforehand”. Because you didn’t actually say what you meant! You just assumed you could meet up or not as suited you and she’d wait around for you to decide. If you’d texted her as arranged, or absolutely first thing in the morning it’d not be as bad, but...

Texting you several times to rant about it is a bit much, but in her shoes I’d not be happy with you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2022 18:47

"I replied saying that it would be nice but we were going to be having a very long day today as he was doing an all-day sports event with hours of travelling and I would check in tonight."

I think you could have been less ambiguous in your initial response to her. She read the 'it would be nice' and ignored the 'but'. If she'd been on the ball she'd have said, 'Oh, maybe another time then'. I would have. But she wanted what she wanted and skipped over the 'but'.

As to the six messages of criticism, she'd have got a 'get a grip' from me on message three. As you should have done. She has taken your silence as acquiescence that she is right, and so you will, probably quite soon, be faced with something similar, and you need to prepare for that. And by prepare, I do not mean people-please. I mean that you are more definite in your response, be clear and upfront.

For example - 'Best not. We'll be shattered after being out all day at DS's sport event and the travel home is enough to wipe me out on it's own. Another time?'

The 'no' should be the first thing in your message, not something as ambiguous as 'that would be nice'. Upfront and unambiguous. And - stop people pleasing. It never works, so please yourself.

Brefugee · 10/06/2022 18:54

Use actual words OP instead of shilly shallying. Either "I will let you know at x time, and if you don't hear from me we're not coming" or right from the off "sorry, no, too stressy after today"

notanothertakeaway · 10/06/2022 18:55

I think your message was unclear. You said you'd go back to her that night, and didn't. Poor show from you

Her reaction was strong. IRL, I'd be frustrated but keep it to myself

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 10/06/2022 19:03

What you said and what you meant were too different things. This one is on you I’m afraid.

As her reaction, although a bit intense, is down to you being mealie mouthed.

Just say ‘no’ next time.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 10/06/2022 19:05

Two different things - obvs.

mumofgirl1 · 10/06/2022 19:23

I'd of been abit annoyed with you to be honest. Perhaps you should of been abit more clear if you was unsure how tired you was going to be the next day and wasn't sure if you'd be up for it then you should of been more clear. Maybe you could of sent a text along the line of. Thanks, but can I let you know in the morning we've had a really busy day today and I don't know how tired x will be tomorrow I don't want to say yes now and then have to cancel in the morning because x is to tired, so if it's okay I'll let you know first thing or can we arrange something for a different day?
If your upset with her then sit down and talk to her and tell her that her texts upset you

LizzieW1969 · 10/06/2022 20:21

I can understand why she was annoyed, as your text was ambiguous and she took it to mean that you were going to meet up. It’s clear that a fair number of posters would have interpreted it the same way.

Her reaction was undoubtedly OTT, however.

CarbsAreNotMyFriend · 10/06/2022 20:45

She overreacted and was rude, but I do think you could have been clearer in your message. I have a friend a bit like this, she struggles to say no so instead waffles a bit or avoids replying. So instead of people-pleasing she just pisses people off!

Don't be afraid to say no and be clear next time, it's ok to do that :)

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