Am I a terrible person? Fed up of fibromyalgia

[Throwawayaccount1234]

Made a throwaway account after the fiasco the other day about emails being leaked l. I’ll probably get flamed for this but I just need to rant

I have a parent (O) with a chronic condition which is misunderstood. It can’t be specifically diagnosed and I think that’s why it doesn’t get the same respect as other conditions- this is NOT my point of view at all, personally I think it’s an awful condition and feel so sorry for anyone who has it, but I need to rant.

they make EVERYTHING about the condition. EVERYTHING. A simple question like ‘what are you up to at the weekend?’ Or even talking about tv shows becomes about fibromyalgia. Talking about increased petrol prices becomes about fibromyalgia. Talking about the weather becomes about fibromyalgia. Talking about Boris Johnson becomes about fibromyalgia.

I love O but they have always had a history of narcissism. They have stolen, lied, been emotionally abusive to me as a child and just generally not been a nice person. I’m a complete doormat but he’s my parent and I still love him and didn’t want to give up on them like the rest of my siblings as I felt a responsibility to them. But im done now. If you don’t listen to hours and hours and hours of chat about fibromyalgia then you’re a selfish disgusting awful person and mentally ill (I have a history of an eating disorder so it’s always an easy insult for him to throw in).

this person has always lived a chaotic lifestyle and now everything is blamed on fibromyalgia. I dared to suggest that they might be able to get a job from home if going out is too difficult and apparently I’m an evil nasty bitch and people die from fibromyalgia and now could I be so insensitive and awful and apparently I’m mentally ill for not showing fibromyalgia the respect it deserves and O thinks i need to be sectioned because im
clearly mentally ill. Im not mentally ill and I know it but it makes you doubt yourself when stuff like that is said. He know it gets to me so that’s why he says it.

if he drinks and is unwell the next day, its because of fibromyalgia. Absolutely nothing to do with drinking. If they stay up all night watching tv and feels headachey the next day, it’s because of fibromyalgia. This person has always lived this sort of lifestyle so it’s not a sudden change that they can’t sleep or drink because of fibromyalgia. It feels like it’s just being used as an excuse for it.

We had a family friend who sadly passed from a horrific cancer and O kept saying how lucky this person was as cancer isnt as bad as fibromyalgia and they would rather have cancer than fibromyalgia and that this person was attention seeking and that it was ridiculous they got more sympathy than fibromyalgia sufferers.

just to clarify, I fully believe fibromyalgia is an awful condition and I can’t imagine how awful it is to be in pain all the time. But I feel like O has jumped on the bandwagon and it’s absolutely exhausting. Everything is spoonies and fibro fibro fibro and it’s as awful as it sounds I feel like they’ve been sucked into the chronic illness community and it’s taken over their life. It’s like an obsession with O now. Every post on social media is about being a fibro warrior and if you ask them to do something very basic like put their dishes in the sink to be washed then you’re horrible and unsympathetic and a nasty bitch. I know that some fibro sufferers would struggle with this task and I’m sympathetic to them, but when O is able to walk about when it suits them and then 30 seconds later is unable to put some dishes in the sink, it’s hard not to think it’s being used as an excuse. They tried to steal and apparently it was because of their fibro.

I still love O and want to have a relationship with them, and I’ve always been the only one out of all my siblings still giving them a chance and trying to keep in touch with them, but I’m exhausted now. I’m fed up of being told I’m a terrible person for not wanting to talk about fibromyalgia all the fucking time.

It probably doesn’t sound it but I was so helpful and sympathetic at the start but I’m drained now.

am I a terrible person? I just needed to get this off my chest, I’m exhausted with it all. I don’t want to give up on them as they have nobody else and I do feel sorry for them having fibro even though it probably doesn’t sound like it, but I’m just so so exhausted

Just wanted to clarify one more time how even though it doesn’t sound like it, I am genuinely very sympathetic towards fibromyalgia sufferers and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be in that much pain.

I really hope i haven’t caused any offence by my post as it wasn’t my intention at all and I genuinely have so much respect for people that can live with a chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia as it sounds so painful x

I'm pretty sure you know you're not a terrible person based on what you've said in your OP anyway.

I think you need to follow your siblings and cut contact.

I can't even fathom why you chose that thread title given that your dad calls you a evil nasty bitch who should be sectioned, amongst other things.

This really isn't about fibromyalgia.

Just because someone has a chronic illness it doesn’t make them a nice person or that the sun shines out their arse. He’s nasty, vile and abusive as well offensive himself especially with comment about cancer. It’s not a competition.

Personally I would put some distance between myself and person like that.

This is an O problem not a chronic illness problem.

FWIW, I learned quickly that no one is that interested in my chronic illnesses so it can be like trying to get blood out of a stone getting details from me, which comes with its own disadvantages.

Maybe change the title though?

Hi op I suffer with really bad fibarmialger sometimes I'm in pain for weeks and have 2 small children my DP helps me but he's a man can't do everything 🤣 when I'm really in pain I will have the odd moan but nothing over the top please for your mental health stop contact with this person as he will weight you down he wasn't nice as you was growing up and he's worst now good luck and look after yourself

@Remy82 have you seen any statistics that point to the remarkably high correlation?

I too am fed up of fibromyalgia. But that's because I have it. I don't talk about it at all. The only person who knows is my doctor and physio, my ex partner, my best friend and my Zumba/yoga teachers. I was out a few weeks ago and couldn't walk properly when I got up to go to the loo. I heard one of my friends ask the others if I was OK and what was wrong, but my friend who knows didn't say anything. I just get on with everything, some days in a lot of pain, but I don't want defining by it. I do not fall into the categories you have mentioned either, I work full time, have a small business on top of that and go to exercise classes five times a week.

I think the problem the OP states is nothing to do with fibromyalgia at all but a cranky parent who is just a mean old sod.

YANBU. He sounds like a royal pain in the ass and I would definitely decrease contact. It really isn't about fibromyalgia at all, is it? It's just him being abusive and up his own backside.

I have fibromyalgia and yeah it sucks but I just get on with it. I can't believe he actually said he thinks cancer is not as bad.

Fibro sufferer here. Activity is one of the things that is encouraged when you have fibro.

Might not explain why I have four horses mind you. Ahem.

No, it's not the fibro, the fibro is merely an excuse. A means to an end. And that end is doing whatever O wants, regardless of anyone or anything else.

Follow your siblings examples. They are right.

My mum has fibromyalgia and she is similar! however, she does not have a chaotic life but i feel she lets the condition take over her life which is sad.

Wow. You're misinformed and abelist then?

It really annoys me when people say people with chronic conditions are lazy and overweight….The real question is were they lazy and overweight BEFORE. I have a chronic condition and I’m constantly terrified of people labelling me this way. I’ve gained about 3 stone since I got my illness because my mobility and ability to exercise is greatly reduced through no fault of my own. I hold
down a full time job but when I think of what I used to achieve when I was well it is really upsetting. I have no energy for socialising so I have very little in the way of friends but I’m very lucky my partner does the lions share of the cooking etc. But when I’m a good patch I’ll turn into road runner and do everything I can to make the most of feeling normal, wanting to pay my partner back and look after him for a change.

But OP, your parent sounds like a difficult person using their fibromyalgia as an excuse. When you have a chronic condition you should be do everything you can to help yourself manage it, eating sensibly, getting enough sleep etc. Sounds like he makes himself worse and does anything he likes and uses fibromyalgia as an excuse. It is difficult though, chronic conditions do affect your entire life. But I tend to speak to people with the same condition where I can - eg cold weather making it worse. And I get fed up of people asking me what I’m doing at the weekend coz the answer is usually nothing due to my condition. Sometimes I say so, sometimes I dodge the question as I don’t want to sound like a broken record.

I have fibro and it does take over your life. It affects every decision, where i go etc. However it is my issue and I don't really talk about it apart from my close immediate family i love with. Being chronically i'll can make you a bit selfish but to me this seems on a whole new level.

See, I felt a bit like you when I was diagnosed. I blamed myself for being overweight, lazy etc. maybe I'd brought it on myself...

Then I looked at the other people diagnosed. Some of them were fatter, than me, most of them were thinner. Some were older, many were younger. Some were trying to work full time, others had gradually become unable to work at all.

What we had in common (perhaps unlike OP's dad), was burning ourselves out looking after other people, or a trauma history.

Every one of us had been discouraged from looking after ourselves.

i used to be a gym bunny and do lots at the gym to watch my weight. Some days i can barely get out of bed.

And re your post, OP, the Fibro is a red herring. If he didn't have Fibro, he'd just be a nasty piece of work with a different sound track.

Is that in your medical opinion?

I miss the 'motivated, busy, highly organised running from a to b me' so much! Damn I was good!

It's really easy to make life about Fibro. The list of symptoms is ridiculously long, so if you get an extra freckle or a twitch in your diodes, it's easy to blame Fibro.
You also need to spend time thinking about yourself- planning what you'll do, where you'll go, when you'll rest, what you'll eat... it's like when you first have a baby and you have to plan every time you leave the house as though you're climbing Everest! It's exhausting! Has to be done, though, or you get stuck places!

You need to watch your own MH because his words are harmful and his attitude to you is acidic. He needs help.

The problem is... your parent is a twat. A narcissistic twat.

The fibro is incidental to that, if they had something else, they would still be a twat.

Select a coping strategy that works for you and move on in your head as you are not a terrible person (well not for this, I've no idea if you are otherwise a terrible person, we're complex beings after all!).

Most of all, let go of any idea that you can help this parent - you can't, all you can do is look after yourself.

You're allowed personal boundaries. Being attacked all the time and used for chores etc (I assume from the dishes comment) without thanks is going to wear anyone.

Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. You can't change others but you can change how you respond.

Another fibro person here. It’s a shit condition but managing it to the best of yoyr ability gives the best quality of life.
If you’ve got a grumpy, selfish relative then I’m afraid fibro is only going to add to the selfishness.
“They tried to steal and apparently it was because of their fibro.” is just taking the piss. I’ve had it for years, some days the pain is unbearable but it’s not made me steal, or do any other criminal act.
I’d suggest you back out— do only what you want to do to help and don’t put yourself in a position to listen to the constant moaning ( we’re not all like that, I promise )

Not unreasonable. I have a mate like this who just sucks the joy out of you. She loves a whinge and loves talking about her latest minor ailment, blood tests, etc and always assumes the worst but it never is (going to a and e for a headache for example - not kidding). I feel kind of bad for her but sometimes I really want to shake her because she’s so self obsessed with it! Every time I talk to her she will bring something medical up and it will dominate the conversation so I just ignore those parts and change the subject now. My other friend is only 28 and she has rheumatoid arthritis and another immune disease and it’s pure shit for her but she’s nothing like my other friend with it. She will confide in me and vent but we also have a laugh and it’s more of a normal friendship.