Am I a terrible person? Fed up of fibromyalgia

[Throwawayaccount1234]

Made a throwaway account after the fiasco the other day about emails being leaked l. I’ll probably get flamed for this but I just need to rant

I have a parent (O) with a chronic condition which is misunderstood. It can’t be specifically diagnosed and I think that’s why it doesn’t get the same respect as other conditions- this is NOT my point of view at all, personally I think it’s an awful condition and feel so sorry for anyone who has it, but I need to rant.

they make EVERYTHING about the condition. EVERYTHING. A simple question like ‘what are you up to at the weekend?’ Or even talking about tv shows becomes about fibromyalgia. Talking about increased petrol prices becomes about fibromyalgia. Talking about the weather becomes about fibromyalgia. Talking about Boris Johnson becomes about fibromyalgia.

I love O but they have always had a history of narcissism. They have stolen, lied, been emotionally abusive to me as a child and just generally not been a nice person. I’m a complete doormat but he’s my parent and I still love him and didn’t want to give up on them like the rest of my siblings as I felt a responsibility to them. But im done now. If you don’t listen to hours and hours and hours of chat about fibromyalgia then you’re a selfish disgusting awful person and mentally ill (I have a history of an eating disorder so it’s always an easy insult for him to throw in).

this person has always lived a chaotic lifestyle and now everything is blamed on fibromyalgia. I dared to suggest that they might be able to get a job from home if going out is too difficult and apparently I’m an evil nasty bitch and people die from fibromyalgia and now could I be so insensitive and awful and apparently I’m mentally ill for not showing fibromyalgia the respect it deserves and O thinks i need to be sectioned because im
clearly mentally ill. Im not mentally ill and I know it but it makes you doubt yourself when stuff like that is said. He know it gets to me so that’s why he says it.

if he drinks and is unwell the next day, its because of fibromyalgia. Absolutely nothing to do with drinking. If they stay up all night watching tv and feels headachey the next day, it’s because of fibromyalgia. This person has always lived this sort of lifestyle so it’s not a sudden change that they can’t sleep or drink because of fibromyalgia. It feels like it’s just being used as an excuse for it.

We had a family friend who sadly passed from a horrific cancer and O kept saying how lucky this person was as cancer isnt as bad as fibromyalgia and they would rather have cancer than fibromyalgia and that this person was attention seeking and that it was ridiculous they got more sympathy than fibromyalgia sufferers.

just to clarify, I fully believe fibromyalgia is an awful condition and I can’t imagine how awful it is to be in pain all the time. But I feel like O has jumped on the bandwagon and it’s absolutely exhausting. Everything is spoonies and fibro fibro fibro and it’s as awful as it sounds I feel like they’ve been sucked into the chronic illness community and it’s taken over their life. It’s like an obsession with O now. Every post on social media is about being a fibro warrior and if you ask them to do something very basic like put their dishes in the sink to be washed then you’re horrible and unsympathetic and a nasty bitch. I know that some fibro sufferers would struggle with this task and I’m sympathetic to them, but when O is able to walk about when it suits them and then 30 seconds later is unable to put some dishes in the sink, it’s hard not to think it’s being used as an excuse. They tried to steal and apparently it was because of their fibro.

I still love O and want to have a relationship with them, and I’ve always been the only one out of all my siblings still giving them a chance and trying to keep in touch with them, but I’m exhausted now. I’m fed up of being told I’m a terrible person for not wanting to talk about fibromyalgia all the fucking time.

It probably doesn’t sound it but I was so helpful and sympathetic at the start but I’m drained now.

am I a terrible person? I just needed to get this off my chest, I’m exhausted with it all. I don’t want to give up on them as they have nobody else and I do feel sorry for them having fibro even though it probably doesn’t sound like it, but I’m just so so exhausted

If he didn't have fibro, it would be something else.

I have fibromyalgia and elhers danlos syndrome, it does effect my life a lot. There's times I can't do things like socialising or running after my DC, but I don't drown on about it. If someone brings it up it actually makes me uncomfortable as I don't want to be a broken record. I'd rather chat about something else.

Your dad is a narc. Go low contact.

Obviously your not a terrible person. Fibro isn't an excuse for being an arsehole. I don't know what to suggest this sounds like an awful situation for you.

I have Fibro actually but I do so so much to try and counteract the sensations. It's never acceptable to be vile to all those around me however much pain I'm in

I know someone like this. Her entire life and every Facebook post is dominated by her Fibro. It really pisses me off. Because I have MS, I don't like to play disease top trumps, but it has the potential to be make me completely disabled. I don't make a fuss. I barely mention it. And neither does anyone else I know who's got it.

I have Fibromyalgia. I hate to admit, but chronic illness can make you a little selfish or cranky at times, but it doesn't make you as nasty and rude to your family as your father is.

Yes, Fibromyalgia is an awful, life changing condition, but it seems he is using it as an excuse for his bad behaviour.

He probably won't change how he acts, but you can change how you react. He has to be made aware that his actions have consequences. The change in this situation has to start with you.

The fibromyalgia is a total red herring. By the sounds of it, I have no doubt that he would be just as unpleasant, self-centred and nasty if there were nothing wrong with his health at all.

Honestly, you get this type of person with every type of disability. I have MS. I suck it up, have a full social life and work full time - some just fucking enjoy wallowing in self pity. It's boring and frustrating for others. YANBU at all.

I'd cut O off, or at least call them out on their behaviour. I have to call my parent out occasionally as they are the same.

This has been my experience too. I try to avoid people who constantly milk their conditions on social media and in real life.

Not sure what good PR they think they're doing. It makes life harder for the rest with the same who just get on with it.

I don't understand why people allow their Fibromyalgia to completely define them. It's really corny but I do like the phrase, I have MS, but it doesn't have me. I don't allow it to define me life. I do what I can and if I can't do something. I suck it up and just get on with it, as PP's have said.

I wonder if it's because with MS, the lesions are there, they are visible on a scan and their is no questioning it. Where was with CFS and fibro, it almost has to be 'proved' in some way that there is a problem?

Fibromyalgia is a "dustbin diagnosis". It's not detectable by any objective tests, scans, measurements, etc. It's what you diagnose a patient with when they've tested negative for everything. It's not comparable with MS.

Your comment proves her point, Filterwash.

Does MS progress very differently according to how the person behaves and feels?

The problem with Fibro is that how you feel and how you manage it is crucial, so you are inclined to micromanage yourself. I have to avoid my mother when I'm under the weather, because she can set me back days. If I'm having a good day, I have to be careful not to enjoy it too much or I'll pay for it later.

I don't talk about it much, but my brain ticks away constantly assessing what to do for the best.

No, MS does what it wants regardless of how you you are. I firmly believe in a positive mental
Attitude. And am determined to carry on working full time and make no allowances for it for as long as possible. But I am very aware that had it not been for a lot of very expensive drugs. I'd have probably been paralysed by now. (I have a large lesion on my cervical spine. And was apparently at high risk of paralysis) or certainly in a wheelchair anyway.

It's not the fibro, it's him. My DD (19) has fibro. Diagnosed at 15. Health getting worse fast, currently using a wheelchair.

But.

In that time she's achieved great GCSEs and A levels. Engaged with therapy and pain management. Gone to uni and passed her first year with high grades. Made friends, started writing poetry with a view to publishing online. Is taking archery up again because wheelchair has restored upper body strength. She's in pain 24/7 and is bloody living her best life and doing everything she can to make things as good as they can be.

It's not the fibro and you're right to disengage.

Completely agree with what you’ve said here, my experience is the same.

Not really sure why all the comparisons with MS tbh, they might have some similar symptoms at times but they’re completely different illnesses with their own challenges.

I have Fibromyalgia & the worst thing is that there isn't a pathway for treatment, everything is try this or that, most of the medication is unlicensed, I must have tried about 20 different medications & none of them really help. The brain fog, memory problems & pain really don't help your mental health or mood, I admit when mine is bad I'm really a pain to live with. The stupidest things can trigger an attack, a mild cold or any other virus can set off my pain levels increasing & even something like having a bad night's sleep can mean I wake up stiff, in pain & with a head full of fog that can last for days. Just general things like the sore points in my body drive me mad, my shoulders,neck, elbows, hips, knees, feet & spine all have areas that if I catch or bump them feel like I have an explosion of pain, even just bra straps, seams in clothes, necks in tops can irritate the life out of me, that is why I mainly live in pyjamas or leggings & soft tops.

Toddlerteaplease my exh had MS & was diagnosed around the same time I was with Fibromyalgia, we were taking nearly the same drugs (Gabapentin, Amtriptyline, Co-codamol) I felt that at least with his MS there was at least a pathway for treatment, he was able to have disease modifying drugs, steroids & plasma exchanges to deal with the underlying disease & that attacks if he had them could be dealt with. I felt like if I went to the doctors with my leg hanging off they would put it down to my Fibromyalgia.

@Zpoa I don’t understand this attitude- I have fibro & M.E but I’m lucky in that I’m still able to get out and about etc (although nothing like before I was ill). If other people with these types of conditions are able to do more then it’s usually because they are less affected than me, and if they can do less it’s because they are more affected.
Obviously some people are attention seeking/drama loving/lazy and would be if they were healthy but the ‘if I can do X than they can too’ attitude, or the ‘if they were more positive and determined they would be better’ attitude is just really unhelpful and usually wrong.

Fibromyalgia IS specifically diagnosed! It is diagnosed by Rheumatology!

@Throwawayaccount1234 I STRONGLY advise you watch this OP about chronic illness. I'm not even going to bother explaining my own experience with it as this video says it all

Yes, I know this isn't about Fibro specifically but Fibro & CFS are extremely similar and very often suffers of one have the other.

Fibro has completely destroyed my life, my career which I was PASSIONATE about and which I'd wanted to pursue from being 3 years old - 3!!! My abilities to play with my child, my social life, my love life - everything. Lost the lot.

And finally it also sent me from a fit & healthy, petite size 6-8 to a size 22-24 and that happened within 12 months! Zero dietary changes, just ballooned as I could suddenly no longer get out of bed. This was 20 years ago and I'm still the same size and still eat the same as I did when I was size 6-8, even though I can now walk a bit. My parents were gobsmacked & even my doctor was mystified when I'd reached size 16 in LESS than 3 months!

Please don't be so god damn judgmental

Excuse me @FilterWash & @Toddlerteaplease Finromyalgia IS diagnosed via a test! It's diagnosed by Rheumatology!

My friend who has fibro was diagnosed by her GP. I'm pretty convinced that she's actually got Ehlers Danlos. Rheumatology wouldn't see her because she already had the fibromyalgia diagnosis! She has more things consistent with ED than fibro.

That's correct. There are certain pressure points in the body and when the rheumatologist presses them, the patient will jump in pain. I have 2 freinds with fibro. One is an acupuncturist and mostly cured hers with acupuncture, complimentary medicine, healing & addressing mental health. Most of her acupuncture clients with fibro are women who have suffered alot of trauma,/neglect. My other friend controls hers with homeopathic stuff, white bryony extract.
It's a horrible condition & people end up in wheelchairs with it but your dad is milking it.

The fibromyalgia is a red herring here.

Yes, your dad happens to have this condition, and that is a shame, but he is abusive to you. It's not the fibromyalgia that's calling you an evil, nasty bitch, and throwing your eating disorder in your face - it's him. That's your dad talking. A chronic pain condition is not an excuse to abuse anyone.

You seem to be allowing him to treat you badly out of some misplaced guilt because your other siblings don't bother with him anymore. Don't take that on. If he wants a relationship with his other children then it's up to him to reflect on his own behaviour.

Start putting yourself first. A good first step would be to spend your weekends doing things that you enjoy, with people who make you feel good, rather than spending them being an emotional punching bag for your abusive father.