to be upset with my mum?

[lionbeast]

hi im not too sure where to post this one really, dd is almost 7 months old and since ive been pregnant ive had a few problems with my mum.
i used to have problems with her when i wasa a teenager, she used to say things to me like she hated me and that i was clean on the outside and dirty on the inside, and generally make my life unhappy.

although when i got into my 20's and brought a house etc with dh who was then bf, she seemed to be ok with me again, like she approved of me or something? i don't know?

but since i became pg i see more signs of the old mum emerging, such as when i found out i was pg told my mum and dad and pil, asked them not to say anything till 12 weeks i was about 7weeks i think when i told them, my mum had already slatted my sister in law for telling everyone before 12 weeks, which i believe is the mums right to choose,but you guessed it my mum decided to tell my other sil and when i was upset that she told her,mum never even apologised,
or even seemed sorry.
mum and dad went on holiday when i was 37-39 weeks so was not around when dd was born at 37 weeks.
they booked this after they knew i was pg and when the due date was.
had quite a shit time with 4th degree tear spinal and repair op etc

then last week at my aunts my cousin was asking me about the birth and mum pipes up thats just what happened to me when i had your brother [she did not have a 4th degree tear or need any type of op] but did have stitches as most women do.
i replied v quitely well i dont think that quite what happened to you.
am i being a bit over sensitive here?
and how would you handle her ?
she does try to put me down alot?
and never ever says sorry, for anything ever !

im guessing you will say stop seeing her but i have to really to see there rest of my family and there are times when she can be really nice

what you say about the 4th degree tear comment?
it has upset me quite alot
id really apprieate your views
ps i used to be kittenbaby

i suppose it just makes me feel dissmissed iykwim?

I think you need to have an honest talk with her. The mother-daughter relationship does change when you become a mum yourself - it get better (as in my case) or worse. It sounds tricky - it seems that you do want to carry on having a relationship with her, so work outt ways to make it liveable with (this may mean restricting contact if she's seriously getting you down)

effie how would you go about having an honest talk with her? what do you think about the 4th degree tear thing?am i being over sensitive?

She sounds as if she has some very unpleasant issues. I don't know why but pregnancy and children seem to set her off - maybe she had a had time herself as a child or as a young mum? Anyway she's behaving badly and you need to stop it upsetting you and later, your DC.

It may be hard to stop seeing her, but I think it might hep to distance yourself from her emotionally, for yourself - not telling her so, just learning to not care what she says, let it wash over you, and keep her at arm's length. Take a deep breath and calmly say things like "I don't know why you have said that, as it is not true/quite hurtful/a cruel thing to say, but I know the truth and I'll do you a favour and ignore it". Then do ignore it - get your love and affection from your DH and DD and keep her in the background. If she protests just say "Well you can be quite hurtful and cruel and I'd like to protect DD from that, but if you can be nice you are welcome to spend more time with us." Stay calm, don't get sarky or hysterical, just say it - spell it out as with a child. Mothers so often have no limits on the dreadful things they will say to their own daughters, that they would never say to anyone else.

had time = bad time, sorry

My Mum hasn't said the same things but she does think it is amusing to throw comments into conversations that are hurtful and spiteful.

In the end I had a chat with her. I love you dearly mum but you know some of the things you say make it hard for me to be around you.
She went all defensive (as I expected)
I don't want to believe you are doing it purposefully but things like x & Y are really hurtful.

I would carry on seeing her but once you have had a conservation with her I would be firm each time she says things and say "no mum thats not right is it"

My Mum lies without thinking and since we started pointing out to her that we knew she wasn't telling the truth it has made me feel better (sadly hasn't stopped her lying all the time)
Good luck

sorry you are having a hard time

4th degree tears are not that common

if your mum had had one, she would have needed more , as you know sadly, than a few stitches after birth. it can also have an effect on your continence after the birth , so it can be quite serious.

so in a way, you must feel as though she is dismissing how awful a time you had of it.. and that is not a kindly thing for a mother to do

does she actually , truly understnad what a fourth degree tear is?

having said all that, if she said she hated you , and you were dirty, do you really think she has the skills to empathise with you about what happened?

I don't know the full history between your mother and you, but I do know that becoming a mother yourself may lead you to review your own childhood and the parenting that you received and cause you to consider what were your mother's inadequacies all over again.

Your mother sounds like she was (and is) a very insecure person who has trouble relating to you.

I have had difficulties with both of my parents due to problems I encountered growing up (mother depressive, father depressive alcoholic). I still love my parents, but I think that trying to see my parents as the people that they are has helped me to understand why they have not always been the parents that I wanted (or needed) and to adjust my expectations of, and interactions with, them accordingly. I can't change them, I could cut them out of my life, but they are not entirely horrible human beings; they are capable of great kindness, but they are flawed and my life with them was very dysfunctional.

Sorry for harping on about me, it is just that I wanted to let you know that for me there is a middle ground between totally forgiving the past and letting it dictate the future relationship. You need to put yourself and your beautiful dd first, and you need to understand that your mother's behaviour whilst very hurtful is actually probably nothing to do with who you are as a person, but to do with her deep insecurities. As for the birth experience, it is too bad that she is unable to acknowledge your difficulties from labour and she feels the need to compete, but do you need her acknowledgement? As long as you have people in your life that you can confide in about these things (dp, good friends etc) maybe you should look elsewhere for that kind of support and be realistic about the type of relationship that your mother is capable of.

Congratulations on your dd, and hope that with time the memories of your difficult birth disappear...and sorry if I am not much help.

I was going to say exactly what lulumama said. She may just not know - she may have thought that your tear was similar to what she experienced but just dealt with in a more 'modern' way IYSWIM. Perhaps she needs to see a diagram - really! Might be worth a go!

She does sound unusually negative and those remarks she used to make were cruel...if this was me I would keep her at an emotional arm's length; easier said than done I know, with your own mother. I think you need to lower your expectations and keep your interactions with her quite 'surface' so that you are not letting her too close TBH. And I would not give her sole charge of your dd until your dd is old enough to tell you of any odd remarks

lulu i thought she ight understand as about 5 days after the birth she kept telling me or should i say ordering me to have salt baths , i said i had asked the midwife and that the mw doesnt really reccomend them as its a bit harsh and to use lavender instead

i tried fobbing mum off quite a fw times saying well i thinbk about that,maybe ill try that and just smiling
till it got to the point when she was not just telling me to have salt baths she was asking me if i had have any salt baths, i don't fell comfortable lying so i told her what the mw recomended and she sneered well women in my day had it be a lot tougher!
she was really pissed off
yes this was about 5 days post birth

also i showed her a diagram on google to explain it, so i really don't think its just ignorance
wish it was

see, salt baths were what a lot of women were advised to have , to promote healing after birth... your mum might have thought that was the answer to your problems

either she does not have the emotional capactity to understand the mental and physical effects of a 4th degree tear, or she does, and she is choosing to be hard faced.

either way, i would try not to engage with her any more than i had to.

poor you

So sorry and for the way you were treated as a teenager. I had to put up with my dad calling me miss shit, so understand how much it hurts.
I also have an overbearing mother but luckily she lives 5hours away .

Perhaps the 4th degree tear thing may have been ignorance and because you both had stitches she felt your experiences were similar. I would let bygones be bygones about that.

I had my mother saying 'there seems to be a lot of PND about these days, whereas in my day you just got on with it. I lost my mum 3 months before you were born but I managed'. This was in response to me telling her that I had PND in hindsight for 9mths and that I felt SIl was suffering to because she was showing similar behaviour to me at that time.
Her baby is 12 wks now.

They are a different generation and unfortunately will not change. I personally choose to ignore comments I don't like or calmly say 'I'm sorry mum, I don't see it that way. This is where we are different.' IYSWIM. This way gets the point accross without causing too much offence.

The other thing is that its early days with your lo and I remember feeling slighted at the smallest challenge on my parenting, but at the end of the day so long as your family unit is happy, who cares what anyone else thinks.

tori that is exactly the sort of thing that my mum would say, in fact she has said it about my one of my sil's says things like, oh she can help herself etc

My mum is a complete hypochondriac and it wouldn't matter what was wrong with me, she would have had it far worse. I can completely understand when your mum is dismissive about your 4th degree tear. I think my mum is afraid of not being so much the centre of attention since DD was born and so tries to bring everything back to her. I have learnt just to smile and nod.....

rantmum you have helped me as it helps to understand others have gone though this

think my problem is i dont know quite what to say at the moment
as to be honest some of her comments shock me, although i dont know why you'd think id be ready for them by now wouldn't you

Yes, my mum didn't understand why I had PND after a 33hr labour at home, followed by being rushed to hospital, having a failed epidural, emergency c section for which I cut feel the initial cut and they had to give me GA. Due to the trauma I had very low milk supply, couldn't bf well and lasted 6 wks, very upset.Her response to that 'well you were on the bottle and it hasn't done you any harm'.

Does that sound familiar? YOU ARE NOT ALONE

No, because when you love someone it is very hard to "expect the worst" from them.

You probably need to find a way to have some distance from your mother. Do you have other people in your life that can support you better?

I would try to keep your relationship more superficial with your mother - it sounds to me that hurting you is your mother's default position for reassuring herself that you care enough to be hurt. Be civil with your mother, share the great things about your dd, but do not confide in her emotionally if her response is damaging you!

i do try and keep my relationship with hr v superfical when i told hr i was pg and asked her to keep it quite till after the scan, and she told my sil.i haven ttold her anything personal again
i dont confide anything in her

i don't ask her advice which prob pisses her off, she gives it to me

i never tell her anything im having problems with
i would never leave dd with her. now or in the future

the thing is she can be really nice at times to always saying how much she loves to see us etc, sometimes i wish she would just be a bitch all the time then i would never see her to be honest
maybe she throws me a crumb every now and then?
i have good friends and a fab dh,

tori that sounds so familiar, ive had a hell of a lot of putdwond from my mum about bf, shes told me when i have to bf dd when people are there oh sil wouldnt do that as shes not like that! bf is only ok if you dont flaunt it ! im actually quite shy and certainly dont flaunt it, but dd was a v frequent feeder perhaps due to the fact i was v anemic and also had a pph and couldnt really take iron tablets as it was too painful going to the toilet.
thanks for helping me feel less alone

i dont need any support from her i get that from dh or friends, and i dont confide anything in her, or ask about problems
as if she knew i was having any problems with anything she will use it to make hurtful comments

so im happy to see her once a week or once a fortnight,so that it doesnt cause a family rift and so that i can see my brothers etc

but i can do with out the comments and put downs, i feel i need to stand up for myself more and tell her,
but then i feel like im being over sensitive and making a big deal out of things
like when she said that about the 4th degree taer thing what could i of said to get my point across?in a calm way?
and also the comment about women where tougher in my day ?
i really think that was out of order five days after giving birth to my first day when your still in a bit of a blur

she still shocks me with these kind of comments?

Ah, she f*cks with your head, lionheart. That's the gist of it. Crazy people can make you feel you're going crazy, too. You have to keep your distance.
Don't think a heart-2-heart talk would help. Keep her at arms length, don't take too seriously anything she says, probably all you can do.

Well, you could say

"Tougher AND Meaner! Hahaha" in a there's truth in jest sort of way.

or

Really, tougher? Or have vaginas just got bigger Mum?

or

Well, I am sure anything that I have done, you have done better...

or just don't let it get to you! Really, just yawn visibly when she starts to be a bitch and say, "well I can see where this is going, so I really have to leave..."

I think I would calmly say that women may have been tougher and seemingly had uncomplicated deliveries. Thats because the women who had complications died more frequently as did their babies, so they couldn't tell the tale afterwards. IYSWIM

thank you so much for all your support,its really nice of you to take your time to post to me

mum only said this comment last week so i wasa thinking of raising it with her this week

how could i raise it with her?
i was thinking of saying something
i dont really want to cut her out as i dont want to make it difficult seeing my dad and rst of my family and she can sometims be really nice

just had enough of hearing this sort of shit

sorry missed this bit off last post
was thinking of saying something like
you know you said the same thing happened to you when you had xxx? but do you know if it did you would of needed a operation to repair the damage ?