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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! I don't want to offend my neighbours…

52 replies

HappySonHappyMum · 09/06/2022 20:34

I have lovely neighbours, they are new to the area and although we don't speak the same language we smile, nod and say hello to one another. They have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who is learning English and goes to nursery and she really likes my DD who is 16 and they often bump into each other on the way home from their respective schools. All is good. My problem is that they have started regularly knocking and gifting us food. We regularly get hot pizza (husband works for Dominos), sweet treats at Eid and so on. It's so generous and thoughtful but I feel so uncomfortable because it's so unnecessary as they don't need to buy my friendship they are genuinely lovely. I have tried to say no but the language barrier is a huge problem. In return I sent them a card for Eid, given their 4yo DD colouring books, pencils and sticker books and also some flags and balloons over the jubilee. How can I stop the food gifts - the last thing I want to do is cause offence but Mum doesn't speak english well enough to really understand me. Help!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/06/2022 20:37

Some cultures do this, it would be rude to refuse. I doubt they’re trying to buy your friendship, it’s just what they do, my neighbours were the same, food at Eid.

DDivaStar · 09/06/2022 20:38

My parents neighbour is similar. I think its just their way. Unfortunately it will probably be difficult to ask them to stop without offence.

NatriumChloride · 09/06/2022 20:39

Why are you uncomfortable? They’re not trying to buy your friendship, it’s probably just a cultural difference. Is this really a hill to die on? Just accept the food and eat it if you like it and get rid of anything you don’t want to eat.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 09/06/2022 20:41

I've had this with lovely neighbours. It's cultural, they're not trying to buy your friendship, enjoy the treats I say.

mnnewbie111 · 09/06/2022 20:42

Free dominos??? What's the problem 😂. I'm joking, I get it, but enjoy it

SomeoneBurntTheToastAgain · 09/06/2022 20:42

🙄
I thought this was going to be about neighbours staring into your extension from their garden, or playing their music too loudly, or putting their excess rubbish into your bins.
But no, your neighbours are too nice and keep giving you food. 🙄
I’m sure you can figure out a way to get past this terrible treatment of you OP.

FlissyPaps · 09/06/2022 20:42

They sound lovely OP!

I don’t think they’re trying to “buy your friendship”. It may be a cultural thing. It also doesn’t mean you have to return every favour.

How often do you receive the food gifts?

Neolara · 09/06/2022 20:43

My friend who is hosting a Ukrainian introduced me to a brilliant app called Say Hi. It translates spoken language into lots of different languages and seems to be very quick and accurate. Using it, it's possible to have a proper conversation with someone when neither of you speak each others language. Might be worth a try?

Suzi888 · 09/06/2022 20:45

Could you say you are on a diet? Other than that, just say thank you and enjoy. Though it is a terrible waste of food if you just bin it.

ManateeFair · 09/06/2022 20:46

They’re not trying to buy your friendship and they don’t expect anything back. It’s just an Islamic tradition. My old neighbours used to bring us cakes and boxes of dates when they broke their fast at sundown during Ramadan.

Staynow · 09/06/2022 20:49

I would just graciously accept the food in the name of friendship. Don't feel like you have to return the favour every time, just thank them appreciatively and that will be enough. They sound really lovely.

Mally100 · 09/06/2022 20:49

It's cultural. I'm not Muslim but my culture is similar in that we welcome or show appreciation through food. Just accept it and do what you are doing right now.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 09/06/2022 20:51

They're doing it because they want to. Likely it's a cultural thing.

My dad got stopped in his front garden by a man who said the smell coming from the house was amazing.

The next time my dad saw him he gave him a food package.

If you like the food being gifted, take it without any guilt.

If you don't like the food then you'd need to find a way to say so

MunchMunch · 09/06/2022 20:54

Could you use English translate?

i don't know how accurate it is though.

TheFlis12345 · 09/06/2022 20:57

I’m not clear why you actually want them to stop? Do you not want to eat the food? Or just conscious they are giving you a lot and feel you owe them somehow?

StoneofDestiny · 09/06/2022 20:57

We used to have neighbours who gifted food to us at Eid. They won't be buying your friendship, it's just a kind gesture. Accept it graciously.

Quirkycarrot · 09/06/2022 20:58

As others have said, it is cultural and also religious as in Islam sharing with neighbours is encouraged. But despite the language barrier, you could perhaps indicate that it's too much for you to manage or that you don't eat pizza that often. If politely done hopefully they won't take offence and also may appreciate you not wanting to waste food. But if you don't mind eating it then I would just accept with thanks but don't go overboard in reciprocating and they might decrease the frequency.

Might be worth considering that non-food items are most likely being seen as you giving them actual 'gifts' whereas food is something shared as standard. I mention that because you might end up getting even more in return!

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 09/06/2022 20:59

Can you not freeze the food or just bin it? It’s a cultural thing and to refuse could offend them. I suppose you could say you need to be gluten free?
you’ve got lovely neighbours!

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 09/06/2022 20:59

My choice of words was terrible - I don't mean that they are trying to 'buy my friendship' - I meant that I would hate for them to think that they had to give me food to keep me talking to them IYSWIM. And they are really lovely - it's genuinely nice to see a friendly face and get a smile or a wave, or a hug from their little daughter. I just feel guilty!

OP posts:
Pamparam · 09/06/2022 21:02

Our neighbours are similar but they are Hungarian rather than Asian! It's just what other cultures are like, (totally unlike the insular British 😂) it's not buying friendship!

Georgeskitchen · 09/06/2022 21:02

A lot of cultures love to share food. I've had Bangladeshi neighbours and Vietnamese neighbours and on several occasions they have knocked and given food.....and t was always absolutely yummy 😋 just accept it with a smile 😃

Somethingsnappy · 09/06/2022 21:03

I thought your post was very nice, apart from the assumption you made about the reason behind the food offerings. I'm surprised it didn't occur to you that this might just be a cultural difference, and that sharing food is a large part of some cultures. I'm sure they would be mortified if they knew you thought they were trying to buy your friendship.

Just accept it for the lovely thing it is.

mnnewbie111 · 09/06/2022 21:10

HappySonHappyMum · 09/06/2022 20:59

My choice of words was terrible - I don't mean that they are trying to 'buy my friendship' - I meant that I would hate for them to think that they had to give me food to keep me talking to them IYSWIM. And they are really lovely - it's genuinely nice to see a friendly face and get a smile or a wave, or a hug from their little daughter. I just feel guilty!

I know what you meant, just that you don't want them to feel like you expect it, or that they have to, not that you think they're buying you as such.

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 09/06/2022 21:21

mnnewbie111 · 09/06/2022 21:10

I know what you meant, just that you don't want them to feel like you expect it, or that they have to, not that you think they're buying you as such.

Show quote history

That is exactly what I meant - I knew someone would be able to put it better than I clumsily did! And I do realise it's a cultural difference, it's just not something I've experienced before - is there anything I should do to show my appreciation in return? Is it appropriate to give small gifts to their daughter?

OP posts:
Anonymoo544 · 09/06/2022 21:26

Definitely a culture thing. I am Caribbean and my parents always turn up at my house with crates of food for me and my son even though it is way too much for us to eat. This results in me then gifting onto my neighbours because it will only get wasted. Many cultures bulk buy or batch cook food and share with neighbours/family etc, enjoy it!