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Original poster

Help! I don't want to offend my neighbours…

52 replies

HappySonHappyMum · 09/06/2022 20:34

I have lovely neighbours, they are new to the area and although we don't speak the same language we smile, nod and say hello to one another. They have a beautiful 4 year old daughter who is learning English and goes to nursery and she really likes my DD who is 16 and they often bump into each other on the way home from their respective schools. All is good. My problem is that they have started regularly knocking and gifting us food. We regularly get hot pizza (husband works for Dominos), sweet treats at Eid and so on. It's so generous and thoughtful but I feel so uncomfortable because it's so unnecessary as they don't need to buy my friendship they are genuinely lovely. I have tried to say no but the language barrier is a huge problem. In return I sent them a card for Eid, given their 4yo DD colouring books, pencils and sticker books and also some flags and balloons over the jubilee. How can I stop the food gifts - the last thing I want to do is cause offence but Mum doesn't speak english well enough to really understand me. Help!

OP posts:
PearTreeBoat · 09/06/2022 21:30

Do you know or could you find out what language/dialect they speak? Then write them a nice card explaining how thoughtful their gifts are but that there is no need.

Maybe ask them round for a cup of tea even if it is a little stilted using hand gestures and a translate app??

CheeseAndOnion · 09/06/2022 21:31

Could you take them some traditional food of your own? Christmas cake etc, though you haven't said you own heritage - or would that be clumsy?

Whatever00 · 09/06/2022 21:53

CheeseAndOnion · 09/06/2022 21:31

Could you take them some traditional food of your own? Christmas cake etc, though you haven't said you own heritage - or would that be clumsy?

You need to be careful if you send food. Be mindful of the ingredients. Make sure sweets are halal (sweets can have pork gelatin). Things like mince pies or christmas cake could have alcohol.

Onwards22 · 09/06/2022 21:54

I completely get what you’re saying!

I would just give gifts back - especially things that you make like baking or if you do any crafts. Or flowers that you’ve grown. So it’s not costing money.

I’m not sure what I would give in this situation as I don’t do any crafts and my cooking isn’t the best to share with neighbours.

You all sound lovely and it’s a nice change from the normal neighbour threads!

user30 · 09/06/2022 21:55

I have this with several of my clients at work - always bringing me food! I accept greedily, thank them profusely and, as I keep chickens, I give them fresh eggs which go down very well. It is a lovely cultural exchange. Make an extra cake or some biscuits some time, they'll be delighted. The little presents for their daughter sound excellent.

user30 · 09/06/2022 21:56
  • I keep chickens btw - I don't buy them eggs from the shop - that would be weird! My chickens lay all different coloured eggs :)
Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2022 21:57

I meant that I would hate for them to think that they had to give me food to keep me talking to them IYSWIM.

You are the only one thinking this. They are only thinking that they really like you and it makes them feel good to spoil you a little bit. Don't make this awkward, because it isn't. Just be gracious and continue on as you are.

Dunnoburt · 09/06/2022 22:00

Wish my neighbours worked at Domino's 😉sorry, I know that doesn't help your situation..... But pizza...... They are being friendly! Xx

Manekinek0 · 09/06/2022 22:00

Don't refuse. Embrace it. If you bake something then just double and gift them back.

JacquelineCarlyle · 09/06/2022 22:01

They sound lovely - accept it and eat it or accept it and bin it (without them knowing obviously). Anything else would be rude.

Threeboysandadog · 10/06/2022 07:42

We are in the Scottish Highlands and food gifting and sharing is quite normal here. Produce from gardens or allotments, home baking, cooking/baking ingredients and outgrown Children’s clothes and toys are the most common things. I think, sadly, it is becoming less common with each generation and probably harps back to a time when you’d have to wait for the next daily/weekly bus to trundle you 10 miles to the nearest shop to get an onion for your stew or an egg for your baking. Now you can jump in your car and pop to the nearest supermarket. It was extremely handy during lockdown.

Your neighbours sound lovely. As PP’s have said it will be religious/cultural differences at play. I would accept graciously. If you have too much pizza (is there such a thing) could you discretely share with another neighbour.

Thinkingblonde · 10/06/2022 08:00

They sound lovely, as do you. Just accept graciously. They are most likely delighted to have found an equally good neighbour. My aged aunt has neighbours like yours, when her daughter died they were so kind, brought her food, invited her into their home , did shopping for her. They still do. It’s lovely.

Joystir59 · 10/06/2022 08:08

This is their normal way. You will just have to accept that you have lovely kind and generous neighbours. Brilliant!

Noisyprat · 10/06/2022 08:10

Mmmm ok I'm going against the grain here. Whilst they sound lovely and it is a known cultural thing to give food like this, I think you are ok to say 'no' (politely obvs).

Not everyone likes being given food other people have prepared. A poster mentioned giving food back but being careful about allergies/halal etc - the neighbours don't appear to have worried about this? It may be acceptable and lovely and well meaning in their culture but they need to understand that this isn't something we do culturally in the UK. Respecting cultures works both ways. It is not rude to say 'no',

chchchchch · 10/06/2022 08:12

If its non perishable could you take it to the food banks?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/06/2022 08:15

This is really common in certain cultures and it is seen as rude NOT to share food. Just say thank you and be polite. It's got nothing to do with buying friendship.

carefullycourageous · 10/06/2022 08:22

You are putting your cultural interpretation onto what they do. They are not trying to buy your friendship, they don't think you need it. They are doing what they think is the right thing to do to their neighbours.

In order to be a happy multicultural society, we have to learn to let people do things their way, and not see it through the prism of our way. We have to not feel uncomfortable with their way or our way. You do not need to change what you do to match them.

So I would advise letting them do as they wish, unless you can identify some way it is harming you. You do not need to reciprocate in their way, you can reciprocate in your way.

If it becomes an actual nuisance, you are within your rights to say no thank you, this is too much for us as we need to eat the food we already have. But if you like the food, I would accept.

motogirl · 10/06/2022 08:29

The food at Eid is customary, please don't ask them to stop that but explain you don't want the pizzas, that's fine

PureBlackVoid · 10/06/2022 08:30

My aunty is married to a guy from Lebanon. I went for a coffee the other day and came home with a big box, and a big bag of fancy biscuits and other treats. I also had to have some food and cake while there 😁

My family is Muslim, from a different country to him and we also make a big deal of (over)offering to guests and neighbours on special days, but I still felt a bit guilty taking so much home for a ‘non occasion’.

I think just keeping up such a good relationship with them is enough to reciprocate, don’t feel like you have to do something specific. If you ever make or buy some cakes for an occasion etc then keep them in mind that sort of thing.

NoodieRoodie · 10/06/2022 08:32

This is how I gained a friend. When DD started reception she befriended a little boy whose mum spoke hardly any English. His mum was so pleased he had a friend that she started cooking for us and like you I felt a bit embarrassed about it to start with, especially the day when she cooked so much I had to invite another family round and we still had leftovers! DD is now year 3 and my friends English has got loads better, she still cooks for us but I do things in return for her as well. On the plus side we all eat fantastic Thai food now and I know how to make spring rolls

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 10/06/2022 08:37

I work as a community nurse in areas with lots of different cultures. So many times I am offered food (curry, samosas etc) as a thank you. I have one lady who hands me a banana every time I go and another man who bags up sweets for us. It's a very kind gesture.

SmartCarDriver · 10/06/2022 08:45

I wish the English culture was pre giving, so lovely to receive gifts.

SurfBox · 10/06/2022 08:46

My problem is that they have started regularly knocking and gifting us food. We regularly get hot pizza (husband works for Dominos), sweet treats at Eid and so on
it's a cultural thing i think, in london we didn't know our neighbours and never seen them. I think they were muslim but after they had a kid they came to our door with sweets telling us they had an kid-it was a lovely gesture.

missingeu · 10/06/2022 08:46

Embrace and accept the gifts. When I was younger I worked in a store and would chat happily to customers, we had regulars. One lady I used to bring me homemade curry spices (they were amazing) she would advise me how to use them etc. The delight in her face on giving the spices and showing her skills has stayed with me.

SurfBox · 10/06/2022 08:48

If it becomes an actual nuisance, you are within your rights to say no thank you, this is too much for us as we need to eat the food we already have. But if you like the food, I would accept

even give it to the homeless or put into food banks.

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