to think I shouldn't be quitting and to ask WWYD with an aggressor in the office

[lovemyjobbuthatemyoffice]

I've name changed for this as it is rather sensitive.

I absolutely love my job and am very good at it. I work in a traditionally white male and highly competitive industry. As a woman of colour I have navigated the industry relatively successfully over the years, but it changed a few years ago.

After a run-of-the-mill work disagreement, a colleague (let's call him "Ben") approached me after work. He was drinking in a pub which is located between my office and the tube station. I stopped there for a quick drink with someone from my team and was leaving, when this man stood in my way. Ben was extremely aggressive, telling me to watch my back, he told me that I was so disliked that bad things could happen to me after work, etc. He did not touch me with his hands but he kept moving uncomfortably close to me, our bodies touching. I kept stepping back, I kept telling him that I did not want to continue with the conversation, but he continued to step forward and lean over me. At the time there were two other male colleagues who saw the situation but did not listen to the conversation. I turned to them and said 'Can you see that this man this threatening me?', to which they laughed and said that if I ever went to HR they would deny this has happened. When I said to them that instead of HR I would go to police, they all became quiet and then one of the other colleagues took me to a separate room and had a long conversation, basically saying how Ben was a good guy, had too much to drink and that I should think about his family - the usual. He also proposed that he would take me and Ben for lunch the next day and we would sort it all out among ourselves. The lunch never happened.

At that time I was already suffering from the overall hostility of my office and already had MH issues, so I felt ablsolutely powerless and did not act on it at the time. Without going into too much detail, I knew that HR and my boss would not support me, at the same time I did not feel strong enough to go to police. Several days after the indecent, Ben approached me asking why I was avoiding him and I told him that I would not report him to HR if he agrees to keep all conversations to professional topics and that I would never meet him without other colleagues present.

That situation has been haunting me ever since. Having been assaulted in my teenage years, I developed a strong PTSD, which was partly alleviated during the pandemic, when I could work from home. Now that we are in hybrid working mode, I again started struggling with panic attacks, which can be quite debilitating. I am seeing specialists for the medical side of things, but it is quite difficult for me because I continue to be triggered on a regular basis.

I continue to work with Ben, who goes around telling everyone what a feminist he is and how much he wants to make the work a better place for his daughters. I avoid having any 'personal' chats or one-on-one meetings with Ben. However, recently he approached one of my juniors complaining that he is not able to have a 'good' working relationship with me because I avoid him. Recently he called me on my personal mobile asking if I was ok. This provoked a major panic attack in me, but first I managed to blurt out to him that I was not OK and that I was still dealing with the aftermath of his threatening me after work. He seems to have completely forgotten the incident and he kept repeating 'I don't know what to say'.

I love my job, I am really good at it, so I don't think I should be changing jobs. Any advice at all on how I could handle this?

I think you should speak to HR. I think they will believe you and support you.

I would definitely speak to HR. Did the colleague that you went with see what happened?

recently he approached one of my juniors complaining that he is not able to have a 'good' working relationship with me because I avoid him.

This would suggest to me 2 things;
-That keeping low contact with him at work is working to your benefit and against his. He can see he isn't getting a rise out of you and its making him angry.
-That he is obsessed with you and its not over. He may be working out ways to escalate. But he is also concerned about keeping his job, so that is his weak point right there.

So my suggestion would be to talk to the Suzy Lamplugh Trust and get outside support asap. Tell them everything you said here.
www.suzylamplugh.org/

Thank you for responses. But from my experience HR will need evidence and both witnesses told me that they were prepared to flat out deny anything happened out of male solidarity. (There is a strong believe in the industry that women are being favoured at the expense of 'white heterosexual men') Also, it feels a little silly to report something that happened 3 years ago. Are they even able to do anything? I thought it had to be 3 moths or less...

I see your point about the 3 years ago, but his complaint to your junior was Joe so I would go to HR and start with that and then explain the history. Explain you are concerned he will escalate and you want nothing more than to keep working in a professional environment, which you have done since his assault 3 years. Explain that the 2 witnesses said they would lie too. Just get it all on record in case anything further happens.

I think HR and/or the police. Would there have been any neutral witnesses in the pub e.g. staff? This is not acceptable and, whether because you’re a woman or a person of colour people have got it in for you. In terms of the job, you
may find yourself offered a compromise agreement to leave without taking action. This could mean money in your pocket (how much would, I think, depend on your salary and how long you’ve been there) and a opportunity to make a fresh start somewhere nicer. Surely that is worth thinking about.

I've never said this before ever, but I would absolutely go to the police.

How did he get your personal number? The reason I ask is that this gives you an opening to go to HR about the incident.

The soft option is you can put the incident on record with HR. Writing down what happened in chronological order with out "emotive" language.
That the two work colleagues also stated that they would lie to cover his criminal intentions.
That a third knew what happened and called you into an informal meeting in work in an attempt to justify Ben's actions.
And summarise the outcome of what the emotional impact has been. He set out to intimidate and create fear and he suceeded.
The other men involved made it clear that they would cover up for Ben even after the seen him make threats and assault you.
Explain that while you have and are willing to continue to treat Ben as professional collegue that you will never trust him on a personal level. That you have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to anybody making threats or engaging in physical intimidation. He did both.

Detail how he is now engaged in bully conduct by creating gossip, attempting to isolate you and undermine you with your juniors.

Your expected outcome is that HR will "have an informal word" and explain that if he continues you may be prompted to make a public statement to remind him of his outrageous behaviour and that of the other 3 employees. And also make a formal complaint of bullying creating a hostile work enviroment.

You could opt for supervised mediation under the supervision of HR; where you and Ben have a conversation about how his action are bullying behaviour. I would only go down that route if you trust the HR person.

Part of your stress is that you are participating in the "cover up" of what happened by keeping it secret.
He got drunk and went to attack you in a pub.
The next time he makes a remark about you just say that
"I make it a habit to avoid making friends with violent drunks who attack me."

In terms of UK social norms, walking into someone and touching them to force them to retreat is assault (the verbal threats and causing fear of physical assault) and battery (the touching is a physical assault). The assault is an attempt to provoke a physical retaliation.

I think that if you don't want to go to HR or the police (completely understandable and up to you), then I would start looking for another job. You say you love your job, but honestly, it sounds about as bad as it can get. The job isn't just the work, it's also very much the people and the climate, which are not serving you at all. Life's short. Personally, I wouldn't want to spend another minute in that environment.

First off well done for telling him the truth when he phoned you. That was brave and positive.
Is there any way you can work a different pattern to him (as you are hybrid working can you work on the days he is at home?). I would speak to HR and also to ACAS who can give you some advice on what to do.
I know you feel like you shouldn't leave, and you are absolutely right, you shouldn't have to. That said, there's no shame in looking for something else. You never know what's out there. Life is far too short for this shit, you shouldn't be miserable and depressed over something you spend half your life doing.

Oh and block his number immediately.

I would go to HR for advice. Tell them that you want this recording with no action this point, but you are going to email him formerly requesting that he only speaks to you for professional reasons, and he does not approach anyone in the organisation on a personal basis about you. If he agrees and abides by this, then it is left there. If he does not, tell them you will not be coming back to them for action. Blind copy them into the email and his response. Then it is up to him, and this process will show your organisation that YOU don't want any hassle.

*that you will becoming back to them for action

Thank you so much for all your comments and kind support! It is such a relieve to be taken seriously - even if on an anonymous basis.

@Thelnebriati Thank you for pointing out that there is an element of him getting upset at not being able to intimidate me further (unfortunately, his mere presence does, but he does not need to know that), it is good to know about Suzy Lamplugh Trust, but I don't think we are in the 'stalking' territory, although there are some elements of it for sure

RE speaking to HR. I have in the past on another incident and they were completely useless. Basically, they treated the whole thing as some kind of a criminal trial, where they needed a 'beyond reasonable doubt' level of proof. I was pretty scarred from that experience and this was the reason I did not go to them at the time. However, things have changed since then and I may try to go to them, using @SolasAnla's excellent suggestions on how to phrase what happened.

RE police. Reading on how they treat victims of sexual violence and other more serious crimes, I seriously doubt they would actually act on something that happened 3 years ago, without witnesses and where the perpetrator has already forgotten about it. Re other witnesses - again, unfortunately, it was 3 years ago, so I don't think there would be anyone. I told this story to a couple of colleagues at the time, but that would be 'hearsay'

RE finding another job. Actually, the overall environment is quite good and I like most of the people in the office. However, this was not the fist indecent with Ben, and there were a couple of others around other colleagues - I strongly believe that being non-white and female I am perceived as both an easy victim but also as someone 'too uppity' and not knowing my place. What I do is quite specific and it took me years to build the right systems around me, I would hate to start from scratch at a new place. Moreover, this incident affected me in such a way that I am mentally not strong enough to be looking for a job and to start from scratch. I am still working with my therapist through the current and past trauma. At the same time, it is not helpful to be constantly re-triggered, so I am trying to see if I could do something about it (most of the time I am just numb and trying to get through my day).

For what it's worth, I strongly suspect that he absolutely remembers what happened and he knows exactly how much trouble he could get into for it. He's gaslighting you!

Typical behaviour of men in these situations is deny (I didn't do it! I would never do something like that), minimise (Ok, I did it but it was nowhere near as bad as she is making out), and blame (Well, yes, I did it, but it was her fault, she pushed me to do it). It's always the same three things, so be prepared for that.

I think you should sit down and consider what your ideal outcome would be for this situation and then when you go to HR, you can discuss what is necessary for your ideal outcome to become a reality.

That's a lot to deal with and I don't know what to advise you to do. I could almost write off the drunken incident (although that is where you see the real person) but his approaching the junior is unacceptable. And an escalation. I think you should go to HR. Even if they don't get "proof" or take your side they do have to make a record of it so he hopefully can't do anything again.

People like this bank on the other person not wanting to make trouble even that's what they are doing.

Think you’ve had some really good advice here. Good luck with HR.

Let us know what happens. We are supporting you!

If a member of staff came to me and asked me to keep a record of this behaviour but not to act on it I would refuse. You have asserted another member of staff has been aggressive to you and that warrants investigation unless you retract the allegations. It is absolutely your right to raise a grievance although you should have done it three years ago. It is not your right to raise allegations and have them kept on record with no action taken.

Without evidence it is very difficult to impose a disciplinary sanction or to dismiss. Years of experience have taught me there are three sides to every story. The claimant's, the respondent's and the truth

Oh absolutely -he remembers exactly what happened which is why he is desperately trying to be Mr Nice Guy and get the OP to be his "friend". Manipulative shit bag.

If HR are so unhelpful, maybe soft/unofficial support is what will work for you here?
You say you have a good team around you, and you told a few other people at the time.

Do you have a line manager you trust? Colleagues? If you let it be known by one or two key others that he is making your life difficult, they will be on-side as support the next time he approaches you, or approaches somebody else about you?

I also think you were very courageous to be honest with him about why you are keeping a distance. I think that will have taken away a lot of his power, because he knows you aren’t afraid to acknowledge and talk about the incident. His whisperings to others about you not being willing to work closely with him can only go so far, because if he pushes it to the point of a disciplinary meeting with you, he knows you will tell the truth.

Honestly I would just leave.

If it was just one person then I wouldn't, I'd stay and fight it out. But other people have openly said they would deny this ever happened...that's absolutely disgusting that two other colleagues saw this and laughed and denied. That implies to me that the culture at this workplace is absolutely toxic.

I fear if you stay your mental health will get worse, you will be gaslighted and more people will stand up for 'good guy' Ben who 'made a mistake' and be openly hostile to you. It's not easy to take a stand at the best of times but you are already suffering panic attacks and PTSD. You shouldn't have to leave but practically I can't see that you can stay unless you feel strong enough to effectively be 'put on trial' by HR.

If you do feel strong enough then I think the police would be a good place to start, HR will have a different attitude if you say from the start that the police are involved

And I think the other witnesses are less likely to lie if the police are involved

This is excellent and very clearly laid out advice
OP if you lay it out this professionally, HR will be pushed to up their game in professionality. If they don't, I don't know if ACAS is an option?

I don't think you should be avoiding him as A) you shouldnt have to B) this is clearly winding him up and gives him an opportunity to undermine you and make it look like you are being unreasonable -and without the full background context being on record, it could be twisted to appear that you have taken an unprovoked dislike to him and are avoiding him.

Good luck!

Absolutely do no leave your job because of this man. You've done nothing wrong. I suspect someone's commented on the fact you appear to keep your distance from him and now he's panicking the assault will finally come out, because him ringing your personal phone like that is the action of someone who remembers exactly what they did and is testing the waters. @SolasAnla's advice is superb – I would follow this to a tee. The phone call is your trigger to go back to HR and explain why you felt you had no choice but to keep it yourself and make sure you mention their poor handling of the previous situation was also a factor. Also, take someone to the meeting with you, to act as your witness and write down everything they say in response. Good luck!

What a nightmare. You shouldn't HAVE to leave your job but the love you feel for the job itself isn't going to bring any joy in to your life when you have to contend with this arsehole. he is trying to bully you out I'd say, but, the brave thing to do would be find another job. you can do that. He is operating out of fear. Fear of being eclipsed by a woman who is better than he is. Because you are better you're not going to have to operate out of a fear based place. I would take that superiority and use it to get another job you love. There is always an arsehole I know but he sounds a particularly bad one. I had a bitch in my last job. she left before I did thankfully and although I don't believe in karma, the universe dealt her a harsh blow.