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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end all contacts with my friend

32 replies

gemsbubbles · 09/06/2022 13:12

I have a friend who is constantly bringing me down. It's been over 10 years now. She sucks the life out of me. Always competes and I can't take it anymore

I've made comments in the past that she should stop comparing our lives as I wasn't in a competition with her. But she carries on doing it.

When I bought a new car she said : "oh nice car .. we're getting a new one too.. considered your model but it just wasn't good enough for us so we're getting X instead"

We just got back from a 5 day holiday, that's all we could do as DH had to get back to work. She said how lovely that we've had a great MINI holiday and she can't wait to go away for 2 WEEKS as that's a proper holiday. She'd die with only 5 days 😂

Is it me or is this childish? I'm stuck in a competition I don't want to be part of !
Everything has to be a competition from our DH& DC to our jobs and houses and furniture and cars etc

How can I make it clear to her in a polite way that I can't do it anymore. It really starts getting to me?
If this doesn't work I'm seriously considering ending my friendship with her. It would be a shame as she used to be sooo sooo lovely but after meeting her now DH things have changed so much.
Any advice ?

OP posts:
Suzi9989 · 09/06/2022 13:17

Sorry this is not a good friend at all. Start distancing yourself! Stop sharing too much!

Comparison is a thief of joy!

MayBeee · 09/06/2022 13:19

She's a joy sucker.
I'd be on the look out for new friends.

Acheyknees · 09/06/2022 13:22

I suspect she is jealous of you and feels the need to put you down. Friends don't do this.

Thewayis · 09/06/2022 13:23

She sounds horrible.

Truly nice people are happy for you, whatever you're doing.

LizzieSiddal · 09/06/2022 13:23

It’s really so hurtful to put down your car and your holiday, I’d ask her if she realises what she’s doing and tell her how you feel. If it doesn’t stop I would distance myself.

IncompleteSenten · 09/06/2022 13:24

Why be polite?
Tell her clearly that you have had enough of her behaviour.

veggiesupreme · 09/06/2022 13:29

I would fade her out. I had friends like this, and it is SO tiring.

lioncitygirl · 09/06/2022 13:35

I would tell her, then exit the friendship. It’s horrible to be stuck in that. She’ll accuse you of jealousy, but explain why and be done with it.

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 09/06/2022 13:37

She sounds very unhappy in her own life.

People like that always are, she makes herself feel better by one upping you. It’s really sad.

EverybodysBuildingShipsandBoats · 09/06/2022 13:38

Maybe tell her how she makes you feel?

EverybodysBuildingShipsandBoats · 09/06/2022 13:39

Acheyknees · 09/06/2022 13:22

I suspect she is jealous of you and feels the need to put you down. Friends don't do this.

Yes! 100%

BettyForgety · 09/06/2022 13:39

She is not your friend.

ElenaSt · 09/06/2022 13:40

She's an emotional vampire and a twat. Neither makes for a good friend.

Dump and tell her that she isn't a nice person.

Bigboysmademedoit · 09/06/2022 13:44

ElenaSt · 09/06/2022 13:40

She's an emotional vampire and a twat. Neither makes for a good friend.

Dump and tell her that she isn't a nice person.

Emotional vampire was exactly what I was thinking 😂. Too much What we do in the Shadows!!

GCRich · 09/06/2022 13:47

When I bought a new car she said : "oh nice car .. we're getting a new one too.. considered your model but it just wasn't good enough for us so we're getting X instead"

You should have replied: "we considered getting X too, but I have a couple of friends whose opinion I really trust and they said that most people who drive X are shallow insecure idiots who only buy them to make up for their own deep inadequacies and bitter pathetic personalities."

We just got back from a 5 day holiday, that's all we could do as DH had to get back to work. She said how lovely that we've had a great MINI holiday and she can't wait to go away for 2 WEEKS as that's a proper holiday. She'd die with only 5 days

"To be honest I get so much benefit from the two weeks that you go away that I only need 5 days holiday myself! Had you though about travelling around the world for a year? If you did me and DP would stay at home and save towards that extension we're planning."

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 09/06/2022 14:08

GCRich · 09/06/2022 13:47

When I bought a new car she said : "oh nice car .. we're getting a new one too.. considered your model but it just wasn't good enough for us so we're getting X instead"

You should have replied: "we considered getting X too, but I have a couple of friends whose opinion I really trust and they said that most people who drive X are shallow insecure idiots who only buy them to make up for their own deep inadequacies and bitter pathetic personalities."

We just got back from a 5 day holiday, that's all we could do as DH had to get back to work. She said how lovely that we've had a great MINI holiday and she can't wait to go away for 2 WEEKS as that's a proper holiday. She'd die with only 5 days

"To be honest I get so much benefit from the two weeks that you go away that I only need 5 days holiday myself! Had you though about travelling around the world for a year? If you did me and DP would stay at home and save towards that extension we're planning."

This is perfect ha ha

DeanStockwelll · 09/06/2022 14:15

You could go two ways with this -

Say firmly, why do you always feel the need to compare what we have done / bought/ been to it feels like uou are trying yo make yourself sound better than me / my family which I find childish and disrespectful .

Or

How much did that cost you ? HOW MUCH ! Blimey they saw you coming
When she ask how much you paid you can either be honest if you know you got a good deal or knock a percentage off to keep it below the expectations for that particular item

Lolly1987 · 09/06/2022 14:16

I've noticed this type of behaviour. I think it stems from jealous. You have something she wants so tries to make you feel you need the things she has. It's tedious.

CanYouNotReadTheSign · 09/06/2022 14:17

She's not your friend and she's jealous. Get rid.

Ponoka7 · 09/06/2022 14:20

Have one last go at being totally honest. When she does it again ask her if she meant to belittle your experience, if not what was her aim? She might be picking up a negative communication style from her DH. If she's insecure but puts him on a pedestal, she will copy him.

10HailMarys · 09/06/2022 14:23

I don't understand why advice is required. She's not very nice and she makes you unhappy, so why on earth would it be unreasonable to stop seeing her? There's no dilemma here.

Friends are supposed to be people you like and whose company makes you happy. They're not meant to be millstones round your neck that you drag with you out of a sense of obligation.

SandAndSea · 09/06/2022 14:24

You could try repeating her back to her. Eg. "Not good enough for you??"

You could also call her out. Eg. "Are you doing that competition thing again? What's that about?" Or, "That sounded like a put down, what's going on?"

It depends how much you value her friendship. Do you see any hope for a happy relationship moving forwards?

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/06/2022 14:28

I would want to get her out of my life but I would tell her why I didn't consider her a friend and didn't want to see her any more. She knows what she's saying - it's not like she's obliquely insulting your choices and letting you infer the worst from it, she's directly telling you she thinks they're rubbish - and she must be aware that this isn't the action of a good friend and nice person. I wouldn't say those things to a person I didn't like, let alone someone I considered a friend! So it will be no loss to bin the friendship remains.

It might be easier to just cut her off and say nothing, but tbh I think she needs to know her behaviour caused the friendship to end. It might be down to the opinions and values of her now DH, but they must align somehow with her own feelings, as she wouldn't say them otherwise, would she?

NippyWoowoo · 09/06/2022 14:38

"To be honest I get so much benefit from the two weeks that you go away that I only need 5 days holiday myself! Had you though about travelling around the world for a year?

🏆

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2022 15:00

Talk about things you have no intention of doing then watch her copy just to wind her up,,,,
'We're buying a pair of breeding ferrets next week and building them a shed in the garden'
'We're hiring a massive camper van and driving round New Zealand for 6 days, but that's not good enough for you is it'
'We're getting a conservatory with an indoor hot tub'

I'd have so much fun with someone like this, or is she likely to wait until you've actually done it.