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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really irritated by this

53 replies

woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:20

I have been a sahm for the past four years.

In that time I have always been the go to parent in terms of looking after the kids when they're ill and can't go to nursery etc so DH is never impacted.

I've rearranged my life continuously for the entire time to ensure he can go about his life and work how he wishes and have been fine with that.

I've recently started a new job, just a few hours at a local shop, probably about 6/8 hours a week. I really enjoy it and feel independent for the first time in ages.

So this week our children have been ill, and now I have an ear infection. Eldest can't go to nursery tomorrow as he has a stomach bug, but I still need to go to work.

DH works from home on Thursdays and I told him at the beginning of the week it was unlikely DC will make it to nursery this week because of illness and we'll need to work something out.

I have a work shift and then I have an appointment in the afternoon that I can't miss.

He was very supportive and I felt like we were dealing with the schedule clash as a team....until he came home tonight, via the pub I might add, and told me he didn't think he should have to reschedule his day to look after DC as his job is always the "first thing to be sidelined" Confused

I nearly fell off my chair tbh.

I've had a raging earache and a sick child at home all day. He knew this and still went to the pub after work, and came back 90 minutes later than agreed. For openness I did say it was fine to go for a quick drink, because you know, we're a team. But it seems we're only a team when he doesn't have to help.

I pointed out that in four years I've been the go to, and in the rare case I was unavailable my parents stepped in, all so his work wouldn't be impacted. And now I need some support it's not there.

also I'd like to add he's told me himself that his work isn't that busy at the moment. I've seen him dawdling about reading the paper and tidying his office on wfh days this week and last.

AIBU to be really pissed off with this?!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2022 22:24

Wow. YANBU at all. And I’d have been fucked off about the pub too. Poorly kids can be exhausting and ear infections are the worst so he should have been at home pitching in. He’s being pathetic.

OwlinaTree · 08/06/2022 22:26

Yes, he could work from home and look after your child.

I don't get the 'I was the go to parent' bit though. You were not working, surely you wouldn't expect him to take time off work to care for your child when you weren't working? Isn't that the deal when you become a SAHM?

Now you are both working it should be shared of course.

Topgub · 08/06/2022 22:26

Yanbu but it's kind of a situation of your own doing.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:30

Thanks for the validation.

His face was a picture when he realised I wasn't prepared to go along with this narrative!

When I pointed out the various holes in his argument he just kept saying he doesn't want to argue?! Hmm

Tbh I wasn't that bothered with the pub, I've had my sister here all day giving me a hand but earache, one sick child and another bouncing off the walls it isn't ideal. But I wanted him to have a break after a hard week.

Honestly the absolute fecking cheek of him.

I think he thinks it would be fair for me to go to work in the morning, cancel my appointments and come home and take over so he can carry on like I'm not Ill and like I don't have any plans which have also been thrown out by DC being home.

OP posts:
Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:35

Absolutely, when I was solely a sahm I was happy to do it and never expected him to share the load of the kids because I was at home for that reason

But when I got this job I explained that we would have to share stuff more now. Not even 50/50 but he'd have to do some bit because I can't expect them to tailor my shifts to suit him. So we have fallen at the first hurdle?!

We had a big chat the other day about when eldest starts primary school and I'm back at work and he reassured me that of course I couldn't be expected to look after DC alone in the holidays etc if I'm working, and of course he'll do his bit. He made me feel like that was a given, but I felt like this was more the reality.

I'm just baffled by the complete 180 from earlier today and the rest of the week?!

OP posts:
Testina · 08/06/2022 22:36

I’m with @OwlinaTree the last 4 years are totally irrelevant, that was your family decision for you to be a SAHM - of course you covered all childcare!

I don’t even think it’s necessarily bad to go to the pub when you’re ill. You said yes - so I would assume not that ill. Taking the piss to be late though.

on childcare tomorrow… who knows whether it’s better to be him / more possible. But he’s in the wrong whatever, for pulling it the night before!

stripesorspotsorwhat · 08/06/2022 22:37

Get up in the morning and just go.

Testina · 08/06/2022 22:37

Right, so you don’t think he wants you to cancel work, but your appointments. I might see where he’s coming from if these are non essential appointments and he’s already taken half the day off. What are the appointments?

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:40

@Testina I think the last four years are relevant because he now thinks that's how things are always going to be.

I'm ready to move on and get a job which has hours that aren't moulded around his schedule.

He likes the current set up where he has very few childcare responsibilities between the hours of 8-5. He can come and go as he pleases because I'm always here but that's not how it's going to be anymore and he doesn't seem onboard with the change even though he's claiming to be

OP posts:
Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:44

He wasn't specific about what I should cancel just that his work is always being sidelined Hmm

If there were a single grain of truth in the statement I'd be less annoyed, but I've gone out of my way to support him and ensure his work is never impacted by our family.

And the fact he's talking to me like it's a regular occurrence has really angered me frankly.

I feel he's going to be in for a shock when he has to do some 50/50 parenting when I go back to work full time

OP posts:
cinq · 08/06/2022 22:45

Hmmmm not sure about this.

presumably his job is keeping a roof over your head and food on the table and afforded you the ability to be a SAHM.

I think you should attend your appt but I’m not sure about the work shift.

i would be inclined to prioritise the job that is keeping the family afloat?

Testina · 08/06/2022 22:45

”I told him at the beginning of the week it was unlikely DC will make it to nursery this week because of illness and we'll need to work something out.”

Thats not: so I need you to cover childcare if necessary.
Is that what you said? Because that to me would mean, I don’t know yet how, but you might be needed. Working something out could have meant him doing tea because you switched to a late shift.
Or could have meant him doing cover whilst you work, but you cancelling your appointments after.

Testina · 08/06/2022 22:47

You mention your sister being there all day today - maybe “work something out” could reasonably be assumed to ask her for help.
The only thing “work something out” would mean to me for definite is: I don’t 100% have to cover this, because if I did, that’s the conversation I’d be in right now.

FlatBottomedGirl · 08/06/2022 22:51

YANBU about wanting to go to work. Depends on what the appointments are for in the afternoon. Hospital? YANBU. Hairdresser? YABU

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:55

The actual conversation was,

me: X is ill, doesn't look like they'll make it to school this week. I have a packed day on Thursday, work and appointments I cannot miss. What can you do in terms of childcare. I can cover the rest of the week.

DH: okay no worries, I don't have a very busy day, I can just move stuff around and do any bits on Thursday evening.

We've had this conversation twice this week, same outcome both times

OP posts:
Testina · 08/06/2022 23:00

Actually, I’ve re-read your posts, and I think they’re unclear and possibly unfair on him.

Your OP reads like he just came home from the pub tonight, after leaving you sick and caring for sick children, and refused with no notice to cover childcare for your work shift.

But subsequent posts:


  • he hasn’t refused to do tomorrow

  • you’ve had your sister to help all day today so he’s not pissed off to the pub when you’ve had a hard day


So what’s he actually done?

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 23:09

What he's done is agree to care for his own child for a few hours on one day this week, so I can go to work/appointments, then come home from a trip to the pub and make out like he's being treated badly by me for daring to suggest he does a bit of childcare for once.

The fact my sister was here is nice but they're not my sisters kids. They're mine and DH and it pisses me off when he's happy to pass off his parenting responsibilities to my family because he'd rather be in the pub.

Also he's been at his job years mum sure they'd be completely understanding is he said X is ill and I need to provide care for. A day

OP posts:
Testina · 08/06/2022 23:13

How is he passing off parenting responsibilities to your family?
Unless you’re properly ill, it’s madness for him to be off today because you have an earache and it doesn’t sound that bad if you’re planning to go to work and multiple appointments tomorrow. So you didn’t NEED your sister but kindly she helped you out and it sounds like a social visit too.
If he’d taken over today, harder for him to also do tomorrow when you’re actually working.

I get that you’re pissed off with him… but none of that sounds like pushing parenting onto your family.

FloydPepper · 08/06/2022 23:14

Why won’t you say what the appointments are?

Testina · 08/06/2022 23:15

It’s hard not to theorise that you and he have different opinions on how essential these mysterious appointments are.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 23:19

I didn't expect him not to go to work today, I haven't said that at any point.

What I did expect is that he would come home afterwards rather than go to the pub but when he said he wanted to go I said fine because we're all entitled to a life.

I am properly ill, one of my appointments is for antibiotics for my ear. I've been in horrendous pain all day. I can't miss work tomorrow because I'm new and don't want to lose my job!

OP posts:
Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 23:19

One is the doctor for my ear and the other is the optician

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 08/06/2022 23:23

This thread has taken a weird turn. Why on earth would an actual parent hear ‘we need to work something out’ and think ‘she must mean her sister, not me. I won’t check’.

More likely he’s had a few and come home belligerent.

Testina · 08/06/2022 23:23

I didn't expect him not to go to work today, I haven't said that at any point.

Then why complain he was pushing his parenting responsibilities onto your sister? He wasn’t.

What I did expect is that he would come home afterwards rather than go to the pub but when he said he wanted to go I said fine because we're all entitled to a life.

You’d had your sister with you all day so not alone, and you told him to go to the pub!

Testina · 08/06/2022 23:26

Pumperthepumper · 08/06/2022 23:23

This thread has taken a weird turn. Why on earth would an actual parent hear ‘we need to work something out’ and think ‘she must mean her sister, not me. I won’t check’.

More likely he’s had a few and come home belligerent.

I can definitely get behind the had a few interpretation!

But I do think “we need to work something out” isn’t at all clearly “you need to take over the childcare”. But in any case - OP has now clarified that isn’t even what she said! A bit like telling him the pub was fine, wasn’t what she meant.