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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really irritated by this

53 replies

woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 22:20

I have been a sahm for the past four years.

In that time I have always been the go to parent in terms of looking after the kids when they're ill and can't go to nursery etc so DH is never impacted.

I've rearranged my life continuously for the entire time to ensure he can go about his life and work how he wishes and have been fine with that.

I've recently started a new job, just a few hours at a local shop, probably about 6/8 hours a week. I really enjoy it and feel independent for the first time in ages.

So this week our children have been ill, and now I have an ear infection. Eldest can't go to nursery tomorrow as he has a stomach bug, but I still need to go to work.

DH works from home on Thursdays and I told him at the beginning of the week it was unlikely DC will make it to nursery this week because of illness and we'll need to work something out.

I have a work shift and then I have an appointment in the afternoon that I can't miss.

He was very supportive and I felt like we were dealing with the schedule clash as a team....until he came home tonight, via the pub I might add, and told me he didn't think he should have to reschedule his day to look after DC as his job is always the "first thing to be sidelined" Confused

I nearly fell off my chair tbh.

I've had a raging earache and a sick child at home all day. He knew this and still went to the pub after work, and came back 90 minutes later than agreed. For openness I did say it was fine to go for a quick drink, because you know, we're a team. But it seems we're only a team when he doesn't have to help.

I pointed out that in four years I've been the go to, and in the rare case I was unavailable my parents stepped in, all so his work wouldn't be impacted. And now I need some support it's not there.

also I'd like to add he's told me himself that his work isn't that busy at the moment. I've seen him dawdling about reading the paper and tidying his office on wfh days this week and last.

AIBU to be really pissed off with this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 23:26

He's also said all week that he's absolutely fine to cover all my plans Thursday. His actual words were "no worries!" "It's not an issue" and now it is an issue. I think that's why I'm annoyed. That and the fact he seems to be claiming this always happens. It absolutely does not. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked him to help in four years

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 08/06/2022 23:27

Testina · 08/06/2022 23:26

I can definitely get behind the had a few interpretation!

But I do think “we need to work something out” isn’t at all clearly “you need to take over the childcare”. But in any case - OP has now clarified that isn’t even what she said! A bit like telling him the pub was fine, wasn’t what she meant.

Show quote history

How is that not clear? I can’t see your point, why on earth would he not see his own children’s childcare as something he would be involved in ?

Hearfreedomcalling · 08/06/2022 23:29

You can’t complain about being the go to parent as a sahm. It’s irrelevant to the situation now.

I would ask him exactly how and why he feels his job has been side lined.

Pumperthepumper · 08/06/2022 23:29

woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 23:26

He's also said all week that he's absolutely fine to cover all my plans Thursday. His actual words were "no worries!" "It's not an issue" and now it is an issue. I think that's why I'm annoyed. That and the fact he seems to be claiming this always happens. It absolutely does not. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked him to help in four years

He’s not helping though, he’s looking after his kids.

I think childcare should be pushed to him from now on, so there’s no confusion in the future. He now always has to take time off when the kids are sick, job done.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 08/06/2022 23:32

@Pumperthepumper it absolutely will be from now on. I won't be asking my family to help anymore. The fact he thinks he's hard done by for having to work as a team to look after his own children is pretty galling tbh

OP posts:
Crankley · 08/06/2022 23:40

Are you able to support the family financially on your 6-8 hours a week job? If not your DH's job surely needs priority. Why won't you say what the appointment is for? There's a difference between having a medical appointment and one to have a pedicure.

SarahDippity · 08/06/2022 23:48

Crankley · 08/06/2022 23:40

Are you able to support the family financially on your 6-8 hours a week job? If not your DH's job surely needs priority. Why won't you say what the appointment is for? There's a difference between having a medical appointment and one to have a pedicure.

She has said, it’s to get antibiotics for her ear infection, and the optician.

Rtmhwales · 08/06/2022 23:59

Hearfreedomcalling · 08/06/2022 23:29

You can’t complain about being the go to parent as a sahm. It’s irrelevant to the situation now.

I would ask him exactly how and why he feels his job has been side lined.

I don't feel like she's complaining that she was the go-to parent, just pointing out that while a SAHM she did the childcare 100%. Now that she's working part time the load needs to be shared and she can't just be the default go-to parent anymore and he needs to take some tasks relating to childcare.

If she's only working 1-2 days a week then she's providing the childcare and sick care on the other 3-4 days. It's not a huge reach for expect DH to take a hit when he's working from home to look after a sick child who's school aged when she's started a new job and has some appointments. If she was asking him to do childcare and WFH when she was off I'd see his point. But they're both equal now.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 09/06/2022 00:01

The situation is that even if I worked full time, I'd still earn a fraction of what DH does. So while my few hours work doesn't pay our bills, it's still important to me to have some independence and earn something.

At what point do I just give up and always be a sahm and the go to person for the children, just because I can't out earn DH.

DH is perfectly able to watch our child for half a day while wfh. His company allows for this scenario. And the fact is he's told me himself he's not that busy atm

OP posts:
Butterbean9 · 09/06/2022 00:03

Your husband is being a dick, as are some people on this thread.
Your DH has got used to you being the parent, the one who sorts everything so he can have an easy life, and doesn't now want to be inconvenienced.
So what if he is the main earner? It's not unreasonable to ask him to take some time off his very important job to take care of his sick child.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 09/06/2022 00:03

@Rtmhwales perfectly put. This is exactly what I'm trying to say

OP posts:
Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 09/06/2022 00:07

@Butterbean9 I absolutely agree.

I've said I'd got back to work full time if it's the money that's the issue and he wasn't keen because the kids would be at nursery full time.

Tbh I don't think that's the issue is he'd have to do his fair share that way.

When I was looking for jobs it was all we can make it work blah blah blah. Now it all sounds a bit like I'm being inconvenienced blah blah blah

OP posts:
Insideallday · 09/06/2022 00:08

OP YANBU. Your OH is being unfair, and so are other posters on this thread.

I hope your ear infection gets better (and your OH steps up).

TheSmallAssassin · 09/06/2022 00:15

Crankley · 08/06/2022 23:40

Are you able to support the family financially on your 6-8 hours a week job? If not your DH's job surely needs priority. Why won't you say what the appointment is for? There's a difference between having a medical appointment and one to have a pedicure.

Surely OP's job should take priority at the moment because she's just started? How else is she going to get established again? If we keep saying that whoever earns the least has to always take the hit, then it just carries on the status quo, where it's normally women who bear the brunt of impact on their career. The higher up you are, in my experience, the more you are in charge of your own time so the more flexible you can be, so it can be more practical for the higher earner to cover child sickness.

Pumpkintopf · 09/06/2022 00:16

YANBU, your husband is.

MessedOfTimes · 09/06/2022 00:22

YANBU. And the past four years are relevant. Four years of facilitating for his benefit and for the benefit of your family. Team work. Get well soon, OP xx

LuaDipa · 09/06/2022 00:23

Butterbean9 · 09/06/2022 00:03

Your husband is being a dick, as are some people on this thread.
Your DH has got used to you being the parent, the one who sorts everything so he can have an easy life, and doesn't now want to be inconvenienced.
So what if he is the main earner? It's not unreasonable to ask him to take some time off his very important job to take care of his sick child.

Yep.

He’s been spoiled and now it’s time for a reality check. Take yourself off to work and to your appointments as planned. Switch your phone off. He’ll cope.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 09/06/2022 07:06

So he raised the subject the second I got out of bed this morning.

When I said I didn't understand how he can feel his job is being sidelined he starts ranting about childcare cover needs to be discussed every time. Which we did. I pointed this out.

He's gone on a massive strop saying his feelings never count and he's not important Confused that I'm shooting down how he feels. He does this every time challenge any thing says.

I've told him we'll discuss later when he can be calm and reasonable. He's also wildly claiming he provides loads of childcare 🫤

Im going to work and my appointments. He can get on with it.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 09/06/2022 07:15

I don’t think you should be the default for this week, that should be up for discussion, but I otherwise thing you are being extremely unreasonable. The argument that you have been the go to for the previous four years is ludicrous because you were the SAHP. And frankly saying he can go to the pub and then complaining that he went to the pub is equally unfair.

I don’t know what the right answer is, but you are not being reasonable in including either of these things in the debate.

Original poster
woahwoahwoah · 09/06/2022 07:22

Re the pub fine, he probably would have gone anyway, but that aside

I don't see that in the argument I was a SAHP is ridiculous at all. In fact it's the corner stone of the whole issue. As other posters have pointed out, he is used to me doing everything concerning the children and now that he has to do his bit he's put out.

I'm have a PT job now. I discussed this childcare issue with him on Monday. I didn't spring it on him at the last minute. We made an agreement and now he's annoyed and I can't work out why. Because he's saying he's happy to do it. But it certainly doesn't seem that way

OP posts:
WhoopItUp · 09/06/2022 07:35

@woahwoahwoah
What’s the appointment for this afternoon?

Pumperthepumper · 09/06/2022 07:46

Such a weird opinion that a grown man has to get permission like a little boy and then it’s the OP’s fault for letting him go. As if she wouldn’t be called controlling for saying ‘no, you can’t go’ when a grown up asked to go out to play.

Testina · 09/06/2022 07:50

WhoopItUp · 09/06/2022 07:35

@woahwoahwoah
What’s the appointment for this afternoon?

It’s only a 2 page thread and it’s been explained TWICE.
I might disagree on some points with OP, but at least I’m reading her thread!

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 09/06/2022 07:52

Some people on this thread are really weird.

I hear you, OP

BruceAndNosh · 09/06/2022 07:56

I wonder which of his friends at the pub changed his mind?