To have a 3rd baby whilst in early menopause?

[SidSparrow]

Dr has told me that it looks like I'm in the early menopause - I'm 40. I still have periods.

I have 2 DC, one 4 and one 2. I have been on the fence about having a 3rd, but now I don't know if I can, and if I do, how difficult is it going to be if I'm menopausal. At the same time I feel like I should just go for it, however, I would be sacrificing my embarking on a new career - was due to start college in August. I could wait until after a 3rd but was going to be a personal trainer, I was already pushing it age wise. So I could be a mum of 3, with no prospects, old, and if I have no sex drive due to the menopause, no DH either 😭

To 3rd or not to 3rd?

Why does dr think you're in menopause? Are your periods irregular?

I had my youngest at 43 as did my mum. Loads of women have kids on their 40s, it's biologically normal. As you have young kids anyway it's just the same as anyone else having a third baby. I don't get the big deal about having a teenager in your 50s. Keeping busy and active with kids keeps you young.

I feel like it's two separate issues - menopause and whether you should have a third child.

I don’t think it’s grim. The majority of the people I know are actually not close to their siblings. I’m not. DP is no contact with one sibling and the other lives half way across the world. Come to think of it I can count on one hand the number of people I know who are close to their siblings and they actually live close by.

I wouldn't purely because of the risks of number 3 having complicated needs as described above.

God no don't do it.

I think you should ring the Gp and speak to them more, ask more questions. For example the first thing I would have asked about would be my fertility, did you not ask what impact it would have? I'd say if you want a third try sooner rather than later, it might take longer or not happen for you. I have 3 and am 35 , it is tiring but manageable for me, baby is 9 months and older two are 6 and 4. I do agree with a pp in that have a third because you want one not because you think or hope they will be great friends as they grow older. I speak to one sister once a week the other rarely and my brother maybe once a month.

I would say no don’t do it.
having 3 children is COMPLETELY different to having 2. Very stressful especially if you’re menopausal and without a partner to share the responsibilities. Also don’t forget they’re babies for 5 seconds and teenagers for almost a decade and it’s an incredibly hard time.
also if you’re menopausal your eggs are probably low quality and you could end up with miscarriages or a baby with health issues.
its not worth the chaos it could cause

I think if I were in your situation and only had one child I would try for a second, but since you've already got two I wouldn't try for a third.

OP, I'm going to go against most posts here & say absolutely - go for it. You clearly would like a 3rd.

However, you also need to be realistic about your prospects if you are moving into perimenopause, so perhaps get a fertility check.

Regarding the career change, and is speaking as someone who trains daily, and is well used to personal trainers, I wonder about the probability of moving into that as a career at 40, with small DC? I say thar become the good trainers are extremely fit, flexible with client times (early mornings / late evenings) & have time to train themselves. This is hard at your stage w kids.

I have 3. I'm a single parent. Regarding them not getting on - well my 3 kill each other daily but also are great friends & have each other's backs. I really hope they are friends in adulthood but it's hard to know how that will work out. I work hard at our relationships & hope that'll be enough but who knows? I actually wanted 4 but feel grateful to have 3.

In summary, I would follow your heart on this one, accepting it may not be possible but also might be! Good luck!

Why do you want a third?

I think once you’re 40, already have kids and are looking at building a new career it’s worth really thinking through your reasons and asking yourself some searching questions about your motivation. Be practical, rather than act on very common end-of-fertility panic feeling which may well pass.

Thats my advice based on my experience, anyway. I considered a third at 40. At 45 I am so fucking glad I didn’t do it!

also if you’re menopausal your eggs are probably low quality and you could end up with miscarriages or a baby with health issues.

That's not true at all.

Of course; the risks increase as you get older, but you don't have to worry necessarily about your eggs being 'low quality'.

You may find it harder to get pregnant. The risks of chromosomal defects also increase. But not massively.

I'm close in age with both of my siblings but we don't talk as adults. @wishingitwasfriday is right. Besides, Grim is the wrong word??

So I had a perimenopause baby when I was older than you are. I also had miscarriages on the way which wasn’t nice. It is possible as long as you’re still having periods but it is harder on your body while pregnant and it’s harder once the baby comes because you’re not young anymore. It’s also harder on your psyche because each period is another month closer to it becoming impossible.

my youngest still doesn’t sleep through at 5 and is as cling as they were as a newborn and it’s honestly draining. With two other young ones I’d never have coped with it but others do.

If you’re happy with your two, I’d choose new career. If you had older kids or no kids I’d say go for it.

Is your burning desire for a third perhaps because you’ve been told you possibly can’t? What would you tell your best friend to do?

I really want a 3rd but I'm long-term single and my older 2 are nearly in high school. I'm genuinely considering sperm donation or having a baby with a friend!

If I were you...I'd go for it without a doubt. Knowing how I feel about my own kids I know I wouldn't regret having another, and you sound similar. There is of course the risk of having an unhealthy baby and you need to consider whether you could manage that.

@EarringsandLipstick im afraid what I said is true for most women. This is one of the reasons why miscarriages increase as we age.
of op was to become pregnant she would most definitely need hormones to withhold the pregnancy.

I had my 3rd dd at 40, at the time my others were 7 and 5, one with severe and lifelimiting disabilities, following 3 miscarriages. Having my 3rd was one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I’m thankful for her and that I followed my instincts every day.

This. I had my twins at 42, pretty sure I was in peri because of what followed. Midwives and gp said chances of fraternal twins much higher in the 40 + age group.

of op was to become pregnant she would most definitely need hormones to withhold the pregnancy.

I'm sorry Sarah that's not true!

If OP becomes pregnant, she is at a higher risk of miscarriage yes, given her age, and potentially declining hormone levels. www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/miscarriage/miscarriage-your-questions-answered

A possible rate of miscarriage for women over 40 is 40%. However, this will include all miscarriages, even very early chemical pregnancies.

In terms of hormone support, there's no evidence for that. If OP got pregnant successfully and stayed pregnant, there's no reason to believe she'd need any additional support. After all she has a 4 yo and 2 yo now, so is fertile very recently in any case!

So I could be a mum of 3, with no prospects, old, and if I have no sex drive due to the menopause, no DH either

So, why do you want another?
There are countless threads on mumsnet from parents complaining that hotel family rooms only sleep 4, you would need a bigger car to accommdate three booster seats, 3 lots of school uniform, 3 lots of GCSEs, 3 lots of A levels/level 3 qualifications, 3 lots of university tops ups, 3 lots of friendship/bullying/relationship issues.

Never underestimate how much of an emotional and financial toll teenagers take from you.

I am going to buck the trend here and say a big fat YES! I had three we lost a son recently age 26 and now I regret not having more. But so that's just me. And just from my POV.

this is my field of work @EarringsandLipstick
so with all due respect I know what I’m talking about.
you’re backing up what I’ve said anyway in this reply. Chemical miscarriages are caused by low progesterone, chromosomal abnormalities and numerous other reasons that increase as a women ages.
if a women has been told she’s ‘in’ menopause that means she’s already past the first stages of menopause and a healthy spontaneous pregnancy is highly unlikely.
Miscarriage rates in older women can be elevated by monitoring their hormones in early pregnancy and supplementing them with the right levels if levels are low. It’s not a made up thing. This is a fact.

Thanks for all the replies. The truth is I have been on the fence about a 3rd, but leaning towards one until I decided to change careers, since then just been really undecided.

I come from having a split family, my brother was raised overseas, so I was like an only child but I had had a few years living with my brother and we were very close so I knew how it felt to be without your sibling. So I suppose that's where my desire for three comes from - I want them to have the family I never had. And really, family comes ahead of career for me. But if I wasn't to become a personal trainer it wouldn't be such a big deal as I would go into something else, I'll always have my training no matter what I do.

Health wise I'm fitter and healthier than I have ever been and both pregnancies have had no issues. That doesn't guarantee that a 3rd would be plain sailing but still I feel my chances are good.

Dr said early menopause from hormone levels, though to be confirmed by 2nd blood test, but I feel it in myself that my body is starting to change. Total bummer.

What do you mean no prospects? Being a mother to three children gives you more than enough to do.

Which will bring you more joy? Having another child, or being paid peanuts to tell people to do stomach crunches in a sweaty gym?

No way, I wouldn't. 2 kids is plenty. We don't need more people on the planet either.

My stepsis became a PT in her mid 50s. She looks great. You could delay that & still do it successfully later. Good luck with your decision.