I’m starting to feel drained but I feel bad

[ghr1995]

I have been with my girlfriend for 15 months. On the whole things have been incredible, she’s everything I’ve wanted in a girl and she’s so lovely and caring (and hot!). She is going to move into my flat soon.

She’s been struggling a bit recently and I really feel for her. She has a lot on her plate and has been diagnosed with OCD too. Sometimes time has been spent comforting her which is more than okay as she’s so supportive with me too.

However, I feel like I’m getting tired and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. She’s very sensitive and recently she nit picks at me a lot, telling me I’m not doing XYZ enough. In fairness she’s had a point about some things where I may have been slacking, such as my communication, and I’m making an effort to try and improve on it. Things have been tough and my energy has gone on trying to make her feel better but I don’t know if I was being unreasonable yesterday.

So she’s moving into my flat and I spent the whole weekend tidying it. I then spent all of yesterday helping her disassemble her furniture. I wanted her to have the smoothest transition into my flat to make it easier for her. However, she was sat there just getting upset about reading our old texts and she feels like she’s “lost me”.
I sort of lost it and said I’m doing so much for her, she’s being way too clingy and it needs to stop now. I spent the whole day helping her. I also bought her flowers on my lunch and it made me so happy I bought them with a smile on my face.

But nothing seems good enough. I feel like half the time she doesn’t even want me in the room, she’s miserable when she sees me and I don’t make her happy anymore but I try my best.

However she’s right that I’ve not been myself, and my energy/spark probably has changed, and I do act different to normal. I said it’ll take time because I’ve been drained, and she got very upset. So who is being unreasonable here?

She needs to have a lot of therapy and do work on herself before she is ready for a relationship. She can’t place all her self worth in another person - she has to learn to love and value herself.

I would recommend she starts looking at the holistic psychologist on Instagram as a start, and book in for integrative psychotherapy ASAP.

Unfortunately I think her mental health issues have led to neediness in the extreme in your relationship. If I were you I would feel suffocated and miserable and want to run. I think it’s time to end it.

Look up compassion fatigue as well.

Thank you thats very helpful. Wow yes I looked it up and it definitely sounds like me I’m more tired than not!

OP caring for someone with mental health issues IS draining and you need to be kind to yourself and fill your cup, not just help build her up whilst neglecting you.

Are you sure moving in together is the right thing at the moment?

Thing is I don’t know if I’m being the unreasonable one. She gets upset because we don’t text all the time like we used to, and that I used to be a lot more flirtatious or chatty over text.

But I personally think that a lot more of our relationship was over text before because we were getting to know each other and we saw each other less. For me what matters more is coming home to each other every night and enjoying our company. But she’s already sour faced if I haven’t texted her enough during the work day

Should I be considering her feelings more?

Move her straight back out! This sounds unbearable.

Yeah. Get her gone. It shouldn’t be that hard.

No - you should be considering your own feelings more.

This relationship is no longer working for you - it's draining you. Has she actually moved in?

No she hasn’t yet. Do you guys really think that’d be best? I hadn’t considered it, I want a future with her. She’s honestly so lovely and my time with her is so much fun but sometimes she has her down moments and it gets a bit much, but she’s really trying with therapy etc. Thanks all

Think very carefully about getting involved with someone with mh issue. You are barely together 1.5 years and it's already wearing on you. As it's something that comes and goes, do you want to look forward to a life of that. I would end this and not let her move in.

I guess, she’s trying really hard with therapy and medication though and I don’t want to throw in the towel before I’ve even let her try. Before this all started I’ve never been happier she’s everything I’ve wanted.
I just feel so tired and drained and just want to let it be but she’s so nit picky

If you don't want to split up yet maybe delay moving in together for another 6-12 months until she's had more therapy.

Re: texting more during work would really annoy me, luckily DH is as busy as me so it isn't an issue.

Do you know how many texts DH and I send one another during an average day?

None. None at all. There will be the rare occasion when one of us will text the other to ask if they can buy milk or whatever on the way home from work, or to let the other one know that you are delayed, and that is literally it.

There was a thread like this from a woman who was annoyed her BF had called her needy. See if you can find it.

But ultimately, most people agreed that the constant texting drops off once you're in a stable relationship.

The point was also made that for some people, regular texting is torture. For others, it's essential. So if you're not on the same page, it may seem petty, but it's one of those things a bit like how you feel about PDA, how many evenings you need to spend together one-on-one etc that, if you don't feel similarly, means you're not compatible.

I wouldn't be allowing her to move in, she sounds like a complete diva.

Don't let her move in.

Why do you say I shouldn’t let her move in? Just interested in all your thoughts :)
I see what you’re saying about delaying it. Maybe until she’s in a better place. I definitely don’t want to split up though!

I can't know the ins and outs from what you've put, and you could be viewing things very differently, but it does seem to me similar to a situation I was in with my other half. He was so very supportive of me and my mental health issues but he became my whipping post because of that. Unfortunately when people are very messed up mentally it's so easy (and very wrong, but so easy) to take it out on the one person who bends over backwards for you.

I'm not saying this behaviour is acceptable, it isn't, but I can possibly offer some insight into the feelings behind it.

Basically she's been given an inch and taking a mile. She could well not even be able to see how unfair she is being to you because in her head it's all about her because she is hurting so much.

The thing is if you move in you will be in for a really rough ride and so will she, because this behaviour doesn't just cease, in fact it can get worse and worse. You will end up bullied in your own home and emotionally blackmailed. She will begin gaslighting and crazy-making, and it could all blow up really badly.

Therefore, I think you need to sit her down and suggest she does not move in quite yet, and that you take a step back in your relationship because you are not happy. This is perfectly reasonable because you are safeguarding against you both getting hurt even more.

You don’t have to break up with her, you just have to let her know that you aren't willing to create a situation where you are living together and but not getting on. Let her know that you still love her and want to live with her, but right now she needs to get some proper help or do some deep work around how she is treating you and how to solve her deep-set issues. Say you will support her but at present it's not right that she move in until the situation becomes better. It's a terrible foundation to move in on.

@milkmaiden i really appreciate the detailed answer, thank you for all your advice! I think it’ll really hurt her but in the long run it may be the best thing to do, I don’t want to end up resenting her

Exactly. You do sound great so good luck, but yes I do believe this is the correct thing so be strong okay.

Your girlfriend is being unreasonable.

She is absolutely being clingy and high maintenance and I also think she’s being quite manipulative. By sitting there whinging about old texts when you were literally getting your flat ready for her to move in, she was basically undermining your confidence in the relationship and making you feel as if you’re not doing enough.

I sympathise with her re. her OCD because obviously that will be hard for her. But it is not excuse for her to be demanding and selfish and I strongly suspect her demanding behaviour is actually not connected with her mental health.

Hi all.
Bit of a rubbish update. We had a lovely day out planned today but she became upset because she felt she planned everything (which she did, her organisation skills are impeccable) but then felt like I hadn’t bothered. She became upset on the train ride and I felt humiliated as everyone could hear.
I became frustrated and later told her maybe we should put off living together. She became very upset and cried but we came to the agreement tonight that we will hold off for now.

im feeling sad, there’s no doubt I want to be with her but she has so much to work through :(

thanks all for your amazing advice. It has definitely helped me x

Well done for asserting some boundaries. She sounds unpredictable and like really hard work.

Her organisation skills are impeccable so you get to sit back and do nothing?

Im' sorry, I do think that it sounds like she is a bit clingy and needy with the text messaging complaint etc, but if you're making less effort while she's making more effort then I don't really blame her for being upset. I know you were trying to help her move into your flat which is great, but how much were you really doing and what about other stuff?

Who organises evenings/days out (in this case, it was her. Is it always her? When last did you suggest, book and arrange dinner/movie/theatre/concert/whatever?). What about any finances/logistics for her moving in - is she running around organising new direct debits/cancelled direct debits, booking movers, cleaning her old flat, changing her address details etc while you're expecting a massive thank you because you did some cleaning of your flat before she moved in? Have you accommodated her moving in by making space? getting read of stuff? Organising the change in council tax details etc?