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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Key parts of life missed

34 replies

Daysofwineandroses · 07/06/2022 19:01

I met Dh when we were 17, early forties now.
I feel I missed out on quite a lot of major life events-I ended up staying at home and going to uni, rather than taking a place away. I didn’t go on girls holidays or flatshare with friends, I didn’t do the gap year away. I was offered a job with an airline and turned it down as I’d be based in London (originally from the North)
I never had proper relationships with other men (silly things when very young, but never long term or lived with them etc)
Ive also never lived alone.

I wish somebody had said to me at the time that I should’ve gone away to uni, should’ve spread my wings a little.

Ive travelled the world with Dh and live abroad, I have a degree and have had a career, now have a child.

Aibu to feel I missed out on most people’s rites of passage when young?

OP posts:
StridTheKiller · 07/06/2022 19:06

I lived an insane life until I bred at 34. It was right for me and I am now a happily settled boring fart at the ripe old age of 42.
I feel sorry for those who don't get to really discover life/themselves while young, but we are all different.

RaisinGhost · 07/06/2022 19:08

Maybe a little UR, everyone doesn't do these things. I didn't, and it wasnt because I had a partner, I just couldn't/didn't. I was single but I didn't have flings or relationships. So I guess YANBU to feel a little wistful thinking of alternative things you could have done, but YABU to think everyone else has done them and you've missed out, or that it was because of meeting your DH that you didn't do them. You could have still done girls hoiidays or flat shared seperatly.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 07/06/2022 19:11

We're all different.

I went to university and moved around for work and IMO it was just hugely overrated and expensive, lol.

RaisinGhost · 07/06/2022 19:12

Also if you have a good relationship, someone that you've travelled the world with and lived abroad, and a dc, I think that's something to be happy about. You could have ditched him to "spread your wings", but then later met someone who can't or won't travel, wouldn't dream of working overseas, didn't want dc, etc. Those are all experiences that many people would envy.

boardey · 07/06/2022 19:13

I met DH at 19 & we are still together late 30s. So Ive not really had any other serious relationships but I did go to uni, have lived in separate flat shares & lots of girlie holidays. I've never lived alone but wouldn't want too.

I'm glad we met when we did personally

Odile13 · 07/06/2022 19:17

You missed out on some experiences, but you had plenty of others. You’ve been in love, married, had a career, travelled, had a child. That’s a lot of good stuff. Why focus on the stuff you missed out on? I think most of us have missed out on something in our lives.

Not saying you’re wrong to feel you maybe could have done some things differently, but I wouldn’t dwell on it too much.

QueenoftheFarts · 07/06/2022 19:23

I don't know why you think some of these things are rites of passage.

You say you have travelled the world which sounds awesome. I met my husband at 14, started dating at 17, married by 22 and now knocking on the door of 50..... I've barely travelled more than for work, no flat shares with friends, and no girlie holidays, in fact very few holidays for us at all because for a long time we were quite hard up, and just the one partner who I'm thinking of keeping now we've gone past 30 years..... He's almost through probation.... 🤣

I've had an awesome life with a lovely man and fab children. Other people's different experiences doesn't make me feel I missed out. I was on a different adventure which turned out just fab.

MisguidedSheep · 07/06/2022 19:23

You made the decision that was right for you at the time. You can't change history. It sounds as though you have had a fun and fulfilling life so far.

Comparison is the third of joy. Embrace what you did and what you've achieved, don't wallow in "what might have been".

You had a rite of passage that may have deviated from the majority .....it's good that we all take different paths......makes us better more rounded people.

MisguidedSheep · 07/06/2022 19:24

Thief .....not third.

InChocolateWeTrust · 07/06/2022 19:25

Your life experiences are no less valuable because they are different.

Favouritefruits · 07/06/2022 19:25

The grass is always greener, the perfect phrase for you!

SunflowerGardens · 07/06/2022 19:26

I've done girls holidays and flatshares. They were not as exciting as you'd think.

TigerCrumpet · 07/06/2022 19:26

There’s not much point dwelling on things that didn’t happen, there’s nothing you can do to change them.

I had DD at 37 and before that had a good life of uni, bars, restaurants, socialising, travelling. It was good while it lasted but I was ready to slow down a bit; however, still do some of it when I can.

InChocolateWeTrust · 07/06/2022 19:27

Oh and loads of people I know have a) had relatively few flings b) never lived alone.

The women I know who didnt meet their husband fairly early on (eg early twenties) were the same ones who were single a lot of that time.

Peach777 · 07/06/2022 19:29

YANBU to feel however you feel.

Don’t get too stuck in the regret/grief though - take time to feel it and feel what it’s telling you. Figure out what experiences you need to mourn and let go of, and which ones you can still have and seek them out.

Joystir59 · 07/06/2022 19:30

You just have to make the most of your life from this point forward. Don't be afraid of challenges and changes, for life is all about both, and through feeling afraid but getting on with it anyway, the greatest satisfactions come.

Stevienickssnickers · 07/06/2022 19:36

Lots of people don't do those things - only one person I met at uni went on a gap year and they were insufferable. I met DH at 22. I had a variety of disappointing sexual encounters and tiresome dates before that. I've been on girls holidays but they're not as fun as holidays with DH - they mostly involve being unbelievably hungover.

if you're not happy then make changes but pining for a past you didn't have seems a bit of a waste of energy to me.

MintJulia · 07/06/2022 19:37

Don't feel bad, OP. I did the flatshare and the girls holidays, been to university, I've worked abroad, lived alone, but I've never married or lived with anyone long term except my ds.

I'm not sure many of us have ticked all the boxes.

You did what was right for you at the time.

TheOGCCL · 07/06/2022 19:43

But what exactly do you think you have missed by not doing those things and how would things be different? You don't really say.

Personally I think people who meet someone young (the right person) are lucky. Presumably you wouldn't want to be sitting here single and childless which is a common life path when you don't find Mr Right.

We all want what we haven't got and didn't have but as pp said everyone's lives are different and we can't do all the choices.

GemmaEdKitten · 07/06/2022 19:45

MisguidedSheep · 07/06/2022 19:23

You made the decision that was right for you at the time. You can't change history. It sounds as though you have had a fun and fulfilling life so far.

Comparison is the third of joy. Embrace what you did and what you've achieved, don't wallow in "what might have been".

You had a rite of passage that may have deviated from the majority .....it's good that we all take different paths......makes us better more rounded people.

Beautifully put

Peach777 · 07/06/2022 20:03

TheOGCCL · 07/06/2022 19:43

But what exactly do you think you have missed by not doing those things and how would things be different? You don't really say.

Personally I think people who meet someone young (the right person) are lucky. Presumably you wouldn't want to be sitting here single and childless which is a common life path when you don't find Mr Right.

We all want what we haven't got and didn't have but as pp said everyone's lives are different and we can't do all the choices.

For me it would be the freedom of exploration and knowing that you’ve made the right decision for yourself. It’s all very well other people saying there’s not much to be gained from some experiences, but when you’ve missed out on having the freedom to explore and work through all that for yourself, to define what you want out of life and your values and preferences it can be sad. Even if you would have ended up in exactly the same place in the end.

doitwithlove · 07/06/2022 20:26

I moved in with exh at 21, married at 23 and first child at 25 followed by second child at 30. Marriage broke down at 44yrs old, then 5 years of wild living - which I do not regret at all

Had my first marriage not broken down, I would never have had such a blast

Moving on, I am 56 this year been with my 2nd hubby for 7 years, all is good.

Onwards22 · 07/06/2022 20:41

YANBU but I think most people feel like this at some time during their life.

My friend is getting out of prison after 10 years after going in as a teen and it’s sad how much he’s missed out on.

I had a baby as a teen and feel I missed out on all the holidays with my girls and fun relationships that didn’t matter if they lasted.

My other friend got married early 20s and recently said she’s sad that this is her life now and she wishes she waited until she was older.

And then a few weeks ago my other friend who is single and childless by choice at 34 said that she regrets not settling down when she was younger.

I think everyone feels sad when they look back but that’s just because they feel that time us running out. But we made our choices and I think everything happens for a reason.

CuntyMcBollocks · 07/06/2022 21:08

I didn't do any of those things, and I had a bloody fantastic time before I settled down. I'd have loved to have travelled the world - I've been to a few places, but there's so much more I want to do.
Comparison is the theif of joy. Don't compare your experience to other people's.

EnterACloud · 07/06/2022 21:13

Assuming your relationship is good you’ve had the unparalleled benefit of having someone to love you and be on your team throughout your adult life. The price you’ve paid for that is the freedom to try other - less good but different - things. You sound like you need to broaden your horizons etc - why on Earth can’t you go on a girls holiday now? Get a new job? Try something totally different in life. But if your partner is good and you want to keep him, try not to regret the shit ONS or weird exes you could have had. Honestly they may be funny but not worth swapping for what you’ve got.