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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To absolutely bollox them all

59 replies

toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:12

DH has a week away for work - I've stayed at home with all the SC's 23,22,21,15,13
We constantly have to remind them to lock the doors when they leave the house - lock it behind them when they come in and go upstairs etc. As they forget or cba. It's soul destroying. We both have expensive computers and other HW downstairs. As well as all the car keys.
I woke about 6 this morning and came down to find the kitchen window - which opens on to a side road - wide open!!!
No one will admit to either opening it or leaving it open. There was also a greasy pan in the sink - but the person who left it claimed he had agreed with another sibling that they would wash it. But it was obviously someone who had something to do with the pan who left the window open.
Partner has just sent a group chat message; replying to my group chat message; about how pissed off he is - and if they don't start showing some respect they should basically 'F' off and find somewhere else to live. (They haven't saved any money ever ) they also can't go to their mums due to her having issues)
They just spend their money on going out / take away / festivals etc
Last week we had an incident where the older kid came in drunk in the middle of the night - left the door open - a random kid walks in and falls asleep in the sofa and is actually physically sick on my throw!!!
How much more of a wake up call do they need? Or do we need...? Blush
The feeling of annoyance is almost giving me heartburn. I'm only the stepmum but I sometimes just want the older kids to either step up - and start saving for their own place and start acting responsible- or just go. I feel we are enabling this shit behavior.
I shouted at everyone of them this morning but they all blame each other and just go.. it does my nut in!

OP posts:
mrsister · 07/06/2022 10:15

The older 3 are definitely old enough to step up. They are making the home unsafe for you and the younger ones, never mind causing a miserable atmosphere.

Do they work/pay board?

In what ways do they contribute?

HappyAsASandboy · 07/06/2022 10:18

If you can't change the kids, change the lock?

Get a Yale lock fitted that locks automatically when the door is pulled shut? And put window restricters on the downstairs windows.

Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:19

They pay towards food - and if we go away for a (long) weekend (once every 2-3 months) they will 'babysit' the younger 2. Which is to say they are around. They don't cook for or undertake anything with the younger 2. The younger 2 are very self sufficient and I leave the fridge and freezer full.

OP posts:
Lizzieismagic · 07/06/2022 10:20

Imo you need to make your house less appealing

Change the WiFi. Cooking on a rota or they don't get fed.
No laundry /lifts /cash..

HappyAsASandboy · 07/06/2022 10:21

I didn't mean to imply that you should have to change the locks/restricters, just that it is the way to make your home safe despite the feckless behaviour of your kids.

I would make the home safe, but also push them to move out because they can't respect the home.

Moosake · 07/06/2022 10:24

DH should chuck the older 3 out. They can get a houseshare.

Kitten2 · 07/06/2022 10:24

I think it sounds pretty 'normal'. With teens and young adults around.
A pan left out, having to nag about locking doors, windows open, someone's friend drunk & sick.

It is just what they do.
And there are a LOT of them some extra aggro.

There were only 2 in my household and yes it was very annoying and felt like it went on forever, but it's part of the parcel of having late teens & early 20s at home I think.

Moosake · 07/06/2022 10:26

Kitten2 · 07/06/2022 10:24

I think it sounds pretty 'normal'. With teens and young adults around.
A pan left out, having to nag about locking doors, windows open, someone's friend drunk & sick.

It is just what they do.
And there are a LOT of them some extra aggro.

There were only 2 in my household and yes it was very annoying and felt like it went on forever, but it's part of the parcel of having late teens & early 20s at home I think.

It absolutely is not normal

Justcallmebebes · 07/06/2022 10:32

*I think it sounds pretty 'normal'. With teens and young adults around.
A pan left out, having to nag about locking doors, windows open, someone's friend drunk & sick.
It is just what they do.
And there are a LOT of them some extra aggro.
There were only 2 in my household and yes it was very annoying and felt like it went on forever, but it's part of the parcel of having late teens & early 20s at home I think.&

Had several teens and early 20's living with me over the years. This was never normal

aSofaNearYou · 07/06/2022 10:35

I think you are enabling it and the older 2 at least but probably 3 need to move out. You don't HAVE to stay with your parents to save for your own place you can just get a job and rent a room in a house share. If they can't be respectful then this is what they should be doing.

Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:37

@Kitten2
I agree to a certain extent - I have 2 older kids too. But this lack of caring is doing my head in!
And It wasn't a friend that wandered in and was sick- it was a random drunk kid who we didn't know!!

OP posts:
peachescariad · 07/06/2022 10:38

Kitten2 · 07/06/2022 10:24

I think it sounds pretty 'normal'. With teens and young adults around.
A pan left out, having to nag about locking doors, windows open, someone's friend drunk & sick.

It is just what they do.
And there are a LOT of them some extra aggro.

There were only 2 in my household and yes it was very annoying and felt like it went on forever, but it's part of the parcel of having late teens & early 20s at home I think.

Definitely not normal....sound like you both have lazy, disrespectful, untrained and irresponsible young adults to me

mrsister · 07/06/2022 10:50

I think that anyone with an income needs to pay board, and perhaps that could go towards a cleaning service to take the pressure off you. Also perhaps look at ways that doors and windows can be made more secure?

With regard to general slovenliness, all I can say is good luck. They don’t care until they have their own places 😝

Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:57

@mrsister we have a cleaner 4 hours a week. I would not survive otherwise Confused or my voice box would be damaged from me shouting at them...
I agree they will only start caring about a place when it is theirs.

OP posts:
Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:58

@mrsister they do pay board. About 50 pounds a week. They even moan about it Grin

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/06/2022 11:10

toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:58

@mrsister they do pay board. About 50 pounds a week. They even moan about it Grin

This is incredibly privileged at 22/23.

Solmum1964 · 07/06/2022 11:15

toogoodforthisworld · 07/06/2022 10:58

@mrsister they do pay board. About 50 pounds a week. They even moan about it Grin

When my son came home after uni, he too paid a similar amount. This however was on the condition that he was saving a third of his take home pay towards a deposit for his own house. Otherwise we would have taken a larger amount from him.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 07/06/2022 11:23

Sit them down and tell them they have three months to secure new housing be it renting together or seperate but that's what's happening.

They are royally taking the piss and getting away with it.

Tell them you are disgusted with their behaviour and disrespect for you both and seeing as they're grown adults it's time they went out into the world themselves op.

I would not tolerate that and I would never of dreamed of behaving like it when I lived with my parents

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/06/2022 12:03

Kitten2 · 07/06/2022 10:24

I think it sounds pretty 'normal'. With teens and young adults around.
A pan left out, having to nag about locking doors, windows open, someone's friend drunk & sick.

It is just what they do.
And there are a LOT of them some extra aggro.

There were only 2 in my household and yes it was very annoying and felt like it went on forever, but it's part of the parcel of having late teens & early 20s at home I think.

Kitten2.

That is absolutely not normal of grown adults to be acting like this at all. Even my eldest at 14 switches things off at the plug, makes sure doors and windows are locked and washes up or puts in dishwasher. She's 10 years younger than this lot. Do you have no standards .

AlisonDonut · 07/06/2022 12:07

I'd have creeped round and hidden all their IT and pretended you'd been robbed personally.

They need a wake up call.

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/06/2022 12:07

Op this is in no way normal.

Give the oldest ones 3 months notice and tell them don't ask them. Set firm boundaries you really shouldn't have all this aggravation in your house when they are adults /young adults. This is a time when you should be able to enjoy having more time to yourself to go out without the worry the windows and doors aren't locked etc.

7eleven · 07/06/2022 12:29

Announce that in 6 months you’re going to downsize and the older ones have to move out. Then do it!

7eleven · 07/06/2022 12:30

Adult children shouldn’t be living at home, in my opinion. It prevents them from growing up.

BusterGonad · 07/06/2022 12:36

Definitely change the locks to Yale, I grew up with a Yale lock and then it got changed and I really struggled to unlock and lock the new door, it was a push up handle and lock mechanism, where the key would only come out when it was fully locked. It was a bugger, especially after a few drinks. It would save you so much stress and anxiety. You shouldn't have too but why fight it when it's an easy fix?

BusterGonad · 07/06/2022 12:37

7eleven · 07/06/2022 12:29

Announce that in 6 months you’re going to downsize and the older ones have to move out. Then do it!

You sound like a charming parent.