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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get my tubes tied at 28?

30 replies

Soafi · 07/06/2022 07:46

Hi all,

I'm posting in Aibu as I know I might get some home truths and I need honesty because this decision is potentially life altering.

I'm going to give a bit of background although it's outing I've name changed and will only be using this name for this thread (long time user).

I'm thinking of getting my tubes tied when I have my c section in November at 27 nearly 28 and I was sure of my decision but after my consultation my consultation stressed how young I was and I will regret it and although it's solely my decision I would like some opinions on it.

One reason is my mental health - I've suffered with my mental health since I was really young I didn't have the best home life and then had really abusive relationships in my teenage years and it's suspected I may have BPD or bipolar disorder which was made worse after my son was born in 2021 but that's because a month after he was born ( I needed an ELCS due to previous sexual trauma) my dad died, my mum has learning difficulties so I was suddenly in charge of that and then my granddad died a few months later so my MH spiralled, I made a suicide attempt and have had a few agencies involved such as home treatment team, perinatal team but never social services my son is very well cared for and I have a lot of support. After December and my almost year long depression I sort of ended up in a manic period and decided a baby was a good idea and got pregnancy straight away (if I hadn't I think I wouldn't of had a baby or waited a bit longer as my son was only 13 months old) but I did and decided to keep the baby and now I'm in a sort of stable period (which does happen) and I am receiving help with my mental health (a bit slowly but unfortunately nhs is on its ass sadly and because it's been mentioned even though not diagnosed private won't help me) I think two children are enough and I'll still be able to get care for my mental health whilst providing the best care I can for them both. Also I don't want to have another couple of manic stages and end up with 4 or 5 kids ( nothing wrong with that but it's just not for me) that way hence why I want the permanent birth control.

Another reason is I'd like to work on my career. At 18 I wasn't allowed to go to university or anything as I had to work and provide for my family so when I moved out at 25 I started to do a psychology degree but had to quit in year 2 due to all the problems I was having but they've said I'm allowed to re take my year and go back in September and after this course I'd like to do mental health nursing or midwifery (possibly both) and if that's the case then I'd be 35 before I'm fully qualified so I'd like to concentrate on that as well as my children which feels like I could even put my time enough so neither my children or my future ambitions suffer but I think another pregnancy and child may throw a spanner in the works and prevent that.

And my final reason is I only want two children, I've been told baby is a girl ( not that it mattered to us) but we now have one of each so they'll be no longing for a boy/girl I was never going to have etc, we can provide for two children comfortably, we only have a three bedroom house and we're both happy to only have two children so I don't feel like I'm making a mistake.

However I know I might be looking at it all a bit narrow minded and I don't know if I'm not thinking of something or if permanent birth control will mess my body up or something which is why I'm posting here.

I'm sorry it's so long but thank you for getting this far.

OP posts:
squareframe · 07/06/2022 07:55

Of course you're not BU. Having another baby after this would be a major threat to your mental health, and impact your existing children. I think it's a very sensible decision and I'm sure your doctors will agree.

Scaevola · 07/06/2022 07:58

I don't think it's a good time to be contemplating the surgical removal of fertility, not until your MH issues have been treated/resolved.

Can you use a LARC instead? Their failure rate is actually lower than female sterilisation. And you wouldn't need to think about contraception again for 5 years.

Youseethethingis1 · 07/06/2022 08:02

I don't think you're narrow minded at all.
You've looked at this from all sorts of practical and emotional angles and come to the same conclusion every single time.
The problem is the alternative to sterilisation is another 15 years minimum faffing about with hormones and contraceptive devices of one kind or another.
I think I'm going to start the campaign to be sterilised once this DC is born, too. I'm 33, nearly died having stillborn DC2, have been hospitalised with hyperemesis this time around, generally have a shit time being pregnant. Even if I had wanted 6 kids, I'm done. I want to live my life and enjoy my children now. Similar to you, we would really struggle to accommodate another DC financially, emotionally, practically. So one way or another, it isn't happening.
I think you should stick to your guns. You know yourself, your life and your family better than some consultant.

Cardio101 · 07/06/2022 08:03

Have you thought about other longer term contraceptives rather than tying tubes?
eg. An implant that you wouldn’t be able to just stop ‘taking’ in a manic phase
But of course you know your own body/mind and if you don’t want more children that should be your choice to make

I’m a nurse and health care courses are so difficult to get onto these days. When I did my training, psychology wasn’t an accepted qualification to help get you into it (I don’t know if it is now). So students needed science qualifications (just A-levels) or access to nursing courses.

Going off your main topic I know but, MH nursing and midwifery are obviously very different career paths. You would have to maintain registrations for both, meet all the training requirements yearly and do the minimum amount of hours for both. That’s a lot of work to maintain with a family!
Plus 6 years of studying paying all your tuition fees (you won’t be eligible for SFE tuition if you already have a degree) is something to consider.

It might be worth having some work experience with both professions - being a patient yourself and actually doing the job are very different. Then you could see which one you’re passionate about etc.

Anyway I’ll stop rambling, all the best for the birth op!

toomuchlaundry · 07/06/2022 08:03

I thought it was really difficult to get doctors to agree to sterilisation, especially when you are still reasonably young

PashunFroot · 07/06/2022 08:05

toomuchlaundry · 07/06/2022 08:03

I thought it was really difficult to get doctors to agree to sterilisation, especially when you are still reasonably young

My doctor actually offered to tie my tubes for me! I’m obviously that crap at being pregnant 🤣

Original poster
Soafi · 07/06/2022 08:07

Cardio101 · 07/06/2022 08:03

Have you thought about other longer term contraceptives rather than tying tubes?
eg. An implant that you wouldn’t be able to just stop ‘taking’ in a manic phase
But of course you know your own body/mind and if you don’t want more children that should be your choice to make

I’m a nurse and health care courses are so difficult to get onto these days. When I did my training, psychology wasn’t an accepted qualification to help get you into it (I don’t know if it is now). So students needed science qualifications (just A-levels) or access to nursing courses.

Going off your main topic I know but, MH nursing and midwifery are obviously very different career paths. You would have to maintain registrations for both, meet all the training requirements yearly and do the minimum amount of hours for both. That’s a lot of work to maintain with a family!
Plus 6 years of studying paying all your tuition fees (you won’t be eligible for SFE tuition if you already have a degree) is something to consider.

It might be worth having some work experience with both professions - being a patient yourself and actually doing the job are very different. Then you could see which one you’re passionate about etc.

Anyway I’ll stop rambling, all the best for the birth op!

I know this is off topic but I have looked into it all, the mental health nursing course does accept a degree qualification and because it's a healthcare course student finance disregard any previous funding so you get the full amount again, I need to double check for midwifery but someone on my course is going on to it so must be possible

I thought two might be difficult but I have a couple of years yet to decide, thank you.

OP posts:
ChiefPearlClutcher · 07/06/2022 08:07

I was sterilised at the time of an elective c section at 43. Huge huge huge relief. And no more hormonal contraception yay!! I personally know 3 women who fell pregnant on the implant, one is my aunt who was 45 at the time! Go for it, you seem to have great insight.

Original poster
Soafi · 07/06/2022 08:07

toomuchlaundry · 07/06/2022 08:03

I thought it was really difficult to get doctors to agree to sterilisation, especially when you are still reasonably young

They've said it's entirely my decision and at 36 weeks if I say go ahead, they will. Maybe it's a bit easier with my history.

OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 07/06/2022 08:08

It's ridiculous for your consultant to say you will regret it. Just why would you? You have 2 children, more than enough and, at 28, are old enough to know your own mind.

Doctors always like to say "you're too young", "you will regret it" like people have no intelligence although I know some people do change their mind which doesn't help.

Me and DH knew when I was 35 and he was 23 that we didn't want children but no way could either of us have the op to prevent them. DH did manage to get a vasectomy at 27. In our 60's now and, no, we don't regret it

AmbushedByCake · 07/06/2022 08:09

I think two children are enough

Really this is all you ought to have to say. Why is it better for the NHS to fund contraceptives that you don't want, which could fail, or you could stop taking them, resulting in a baby you don't want and can't care for and will cost far more to the state than a sterilisation, or a termination and potential resulting trauma? Its a throwback to the bad old days of women only being good for breeding and not being trusted to make any decisions for themselves.

MintyGreenDream · 07/06/2022 08:10

Just so you know.I went for a consultation about this as I definitely dont want more children and the Dr told me that it was actually less reliable than the pill.To say i was shocked was an understatement! Sterilisation equals permanence? Apparently not.
I've decided to stay on the pill.

PashunFroot · 07/06/2022 08:11

Cardio101 · 07/06/2022 08:03

Have you thought about other longer term contraceptives rather than tying tubes?
eg. An implant that you wouldn’t be able to just stop ‘taking’ in a manic phase
But of course you know your own body/mind and if you don’t want more children that should be your choice to make

I’m a nurse and health care courses are so difficult to get onto these days. When I did my training, psychology wasn’t an accepted qualification to help get you into it (I don’t know if it is now). So students needed science qualifications (just A-levels) or access to nursing courses.

Going off your main topic I know but, MH nursing and midwifery are obviously very different career paths. You would have to maintain registrations for both, meet all the training requirements yearly and do the minimum amount of hours for both. That’s a lot of work to maintain with a family!
Plus 6 years of studying paying all your tuition fees (you won’t be eligible for SFE tuition if you already have a degree) is something to consider.

It might be worth having some work experience with both professions - being a patient yourself and actually doing the job are very different. Then you could see which one you’re passionate about etc.

Anyway I’ll stop rambling, all the best for the birth op!

This is literally all completely wrong information.

psychology absolutely is an accepted qualification to get into mental health nursing and student finance will fund it as an undergraduate degree.

THNG5 · 07/06/2022 08:12

Just a word of warning about sterilisation during a c section. I had my tubes cut when I had my third child (c section). 6 months later, I was pregnant again. Turns out, the failure rate is higher when it's done during a section as everything is bloated down there. In my case, my right tube ends fused back together enough to let an egg get through...
I would either get it done when not pregnant or get them to do more than cut.
Good luck.

Original poster
Soafi · 07/06/2022 08:12

MintyGreenDream · 07/06/2022 08:10

Just so you know.I went for a consultation about this as I definitely dont want more children and the Dr told me that it was actually less reliable than the pill.To say i was shocked was an understatement! Sterilisation equals permanence? Apparently not.
I've decided to stay on the pill.

Really? Gosh I might look into how effective the coil is - unfortunately I find hormonal contraception can make my MH worse.

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 07/06/2022 08:15

It was a consultant not a gp so unlikely she was misinformed.I was gutted as wanted to come off all contraception

PashunFroot · 07/06/2022 08:15

Op we are literally the same person it’s so weird!

i had my second baby in October, I also have bipolar disorder and I am also 28. They offered to tie my tubes for me as I struggle so much with pregnancy and is as adamant I didn’t want any more children. I decided not to have them tied though as I didn’t like how final it was and now that baby is here my husband and I are now more open to possibly having more children in the future (unlikely but we would like the option). If we absolutely decide not to, he will get a vasectomy.

I finished my BSC Psychology last year and start my mental health nurse MSC in September!

CaptSkippy · 07/06/2022 08:22

OP, maybe get a few more medical opinions about different methods of sterilization. There are actually quite a few.

I'd recommend steering clear of any consultants who tell you will/may "regret it". It's a sexist bias that is unfortunately still common. Far fewer men get told they will "regret it" if they get the snip. They are considered mature enough to make that decision past the age of 18.

You know what's best for your body, especially since you have been considering this for some time and looked at it from different angles.

SparkyBlue · 07/06/2022 08:27

I had it done during my c section with my third child but I was 43 . I had my tubes removed rather than tied. Absolutely no issues at all and I don't regret it one bit.

missymarrk · 07/06/2022 08:29

Do not let anyone talk you into the copper coil praising it being non hormonal. I was one of those people. It's a nightmare for anxiety! I've been heavily medicated for severe anxiety and just got mine out last week, absolutely not one instance of anxiety yet and my head feels nice and calm. I'm asking to be sterilised too!

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind1 · 07/06/2022 08:30

I was sterilised at 30 with an only child, 14yrs later I've never regretted it

sashh · 07/06/2022 08:40

Scaevola · 07/06/2022 07:58

I don't think it's a good time to be contemplating the surgical removal of fertility, not until your MH issues have been treated/resolved.

Can you use a LARC instead? Their failure rate is actually lower than female sterilisation. And you wouldn't need to think about contraception again for 5 years.

The OP is mentally stable now, this is the best time to make decisions. Mental health issues are not like chicken pox, they don't just disappear never to come back.

OP

Go for it

Neoandtrinity · 07/06/2022 08:50

Go for it.

I wish I'd gor sterilised when I had my second csection. I'm 42 and would quite happily have the whole lot ripped out now.

A lot of the resistance to female sterilisation is unfortunately down to cost. But if you're having a csection, you're having the expensive operation anyway, so doctors are generally a bit more willing to do it. They might as well do the rest of it while you're there kind of thing.

Original poster
Soafi · 07/06/2022 09:11

Neoandtrinity · 07/06/2022 08:50

Go for it.

I wish I'd gor sterilised when I had my second csection. I'm 42 and would quite happily have the whole lot ripped out now.

A lot of the resistance to female sterilisation is unfortunately down to cost. But if you're having a csection, you're having the expensive operation anyway, so doctors are generally a bit more willing to do it. They might as well do the rest of it while you're there kind of thing.

That's what I'm thinking that if it's something I want then surely it is better to get it at the same time as a c section because I'm there already but if I'm five years I want it it might be harder as it's a separate procedure

OP posts:
Original poster
Soafi · 07/06/2022 09:12

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind1 · 07/06/2022 08:30

I was sterilised at 30 with an only child, 14yrs later I've never regretted it

That's good to know thank you, did you have your tubes tied or another procedure?

OP posts:
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