Difference between being tight and being unable to afford stuff

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Sometimes I feel like it's not always clear, especially when you have friends on higher salaries, it's easy to come across as stingy but it's different when you genuinely can't afford the same things.
A guy in the past used to call me a cheapskate just because I liked charity shops etc. However I was only on 17k a year.
I do worry about this sometimes

for example if a friend asked me for a drink and it was a tight month, I’d still go and buy a single pint of cider and make it last, and the friend would probably buy me another drink or two as if they were skint, I’d do the same.

Thats ok and not tight because it’s reciprocal. Being tight would be accepting all the drinks but never doing the same back, even if you can afford it at other times. Nothing wrong with going and nursing a single drink all night if you don’t intend to reciprocate. And also nothing wrong accepting if you genuinely can’t afford to reciprocate.

My old group of friends and I are still smarting from years ago when we frequently bought drinks for our skint friend. We didn’t mind until she went on a round the world trip and we realised we’d part paid for that, with all her free drinks!

IMO people who quickly label others as "tight" are showing themselves in a worse light. It's judgmental and often entitled. They usually don't really know the other person's financial affairs or priorities and often it's in the context of "why hasn't my BFF splashed out on MY present" or "why hasn't this man on a first date splashed out on ME".

I'm comfortably off but I've been broke and having to get through weeks with nothing in my bank account. Certain frugal habits stick with you and that's a good thing. I walk and take public transport rather than take a taxi, I don't shop for leisure, I shop in charity shops, I refuse to pay anything that I don't perceive to be worth it.

I don't have any issues spending money on things that I prioritise - food is one, hosting friends is another, supporting activist campaigns that are close to my heart is another.

But opting out of consumerism and materialism often makes people who don't do that judge you as tight.

@gannett I hate taking taxis too unless there's no other option. My friends laugh at me but it means I get extra steps and save a minimum of £10 per trip.

I think that there’s a fine line between being frugal and being tight.

I worked with someone who would join in with a group meal at a restaurant, but would always choose the least expensive option on the menu, only ever drank tap water and worked out his portion of the bill to the last penny. I know that there were no financial constraints to prevent him choosing more expensive options, so it was a question of always spending the least amount of money. It seemed joyless to me.

I understand that people don’t want to be subsidising others, if you don’t drink and everyone else is buying bottles etc, but to always go for the cheapest option is certainly frugal.

@ChiselandBits

as others have said its a relative thing. My favourite example though is DP, when I first met him, would take me out for a meal, cocktails etc and always pick up the bill but park much further out of town than he needed too cos it was free instead of a couple of quid to park. I gently took the mick until he got the hint because I actually found it really unattractive - like he wanted to be seen to be really generous and gentlemanly in the bar/ restaurant but didn't care about me walking in the rain or heels or whatever. He worked it out after a few times of me absolutely insisting we park closer and paying for the car park if it was a problem. Tight is inconveniencing or scabbing off someone else when you could but won't pay.
But doesn't that make you tight? I can't imagine being comfortable having everything paid for anyway but to then call someone unattractive because you had to walk in shoes you chose is so unreasonable and just, well, horrible for want of a better word!

Over the course of my life I have found myself in various states of comfort with regards to money.

I've never liked the term "tight" as applied to someone who tries to spend as little money as possible. I prefer "careful" or "thrifty". Just because a person has money, doesn't mean that they have to spend it on things they don't need.

Being tight is not the same as being frugal, very different in fact.

Being tight is to be mean with money, excessively so. Making your kids share bath water, not paying your share/refusing to spend even a penny on a coffee out etc but being fine to have other people do it, offering old things to family/friends and then charging for it.

You describe very sensible, very normal spending habits - nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I love a charity shop - I can afford to buy first hand but who doesn't love a bargain? Same with reduced things in the supermarket... they're there to be bought, why shouldn't you?

It’s just priorities and decisions, isn’t it? I had a friend in college who got double the allowance that I was living on, bought new clothes regularly and socialised a lot (even by college standards) and moaned that her dps were tight because they hadn’t bought her a laptop (neither had mine but I’d saved up for it). Neither of us were right or wrong, but we had different financial priorities.

But you won’t be able to afford the big stuff if you spend on ALL the small stuff. When you see high earning celebs and royalty struggling it makes you realise that it’s the same for everyone. You have to make decisions.

What’s not ok is spending other peoples money by proxy. And a little bit of sensitivity to other peoples circumstances doesn’t go amiss either.

That guy sounds unpleasant and someone who isn't very confident in his own skin. Why else would he say something designed to make you feel bad. In life you will meet plenty of people like that, ignore them.

I often think about this.

Since I was a child my family have joked that I'm "tight" (because I used to save my £2 a week pocket money up to buy cool toys or clothes I really wanted whereas my sister used to spend it all on sweets and tat from the corner shop the same day she got it and then moan that I had nicer stuff than her). But then it became a "thing", you know how these things do, and they're always making a big deal about it any time they perceive me to be attempting to save money at all. But the fact is, since finishing university, I've never had a particularly well-paying job. So sometimes for example I have saved up money to go to a music festival and then eaten tinned beans and soup all weekend because I could afford the ticket price but not the cost of food from the food stalls. To me that's being careful with limited funds to ensure I can still enjoy myself, but to my family it's being "tight". (I've never been sure if they don't actually realise that if I wasn't as careful with money as I am then I'd end up going hungry and having the leccy cut off eventually... or if they just think that outcome would actually be preferable to the embarrassment of having a daughter who's "tight"...)

Or, I'll buy a lower quality version of a product (say, the £20 version rather than the £200 version), and then I'll be called "tight" - when it's like, if I bought the £200 version then yes, it'll last decades, but I'd then have to choose something else in my life to cut out to be able to afford it: whether it's eating less for the next couple of months, not going out with my friends for a few weeks, not going on a weekend away later on in the year, or not buying something else I might want or need.

Some people can afford to buy the high end stuff and carry on living a comfortable lifestyle, whereas for some of us it's either/or. But it's amazing how blind some people are to other people's financial situations... even if they've been there themselves in the past, they seem to end up forgetting.

Being right is getting out your calculator at the restaurant to divide up the pennies. It’s taking home the bottle of wine you brought to the dinner, emptying the vacuum cleaner bag rather than replace it, it’s being slow to get out your purse every time you meet a friend for coffee, it’s wearing clothes with the tags then returning them next day - all while saving large amounts of cash. I really dislike tightness.

Being poor is different, it’s shopping in charity stores because you have to rather than it being your only option, it’s when holidays and nights out are not an option, when you are constantly trying to calculate whether or not you can afford to buy groceries…it’s bleak.

I think tight is allowing someone to pay for all your food and cocktails etc., while gently taking the mick making fun of them then acting arsey offering to pay for parking. So generous of you to offer three quid when he's probably paid out the best part of £100.

Tight is inconveniencing or scabbing off someone else when you could but won't pay.

Ironic.

@mrsister I agree with all of your examples except the bill splitting one. I get that if everyone has had the same then it's nicer just to split into number of people, but that is rarely the case and it's not tight to not want to subsidise others wine or dessert, particularly these days when cost of going out is rising exponentially.

All of this is CHOICE isn't it...

I've been in both camps at various times...

I do find it very wearing those who ALWAYS buy stuff out, who whinge continually about the price or their inability to afford a holiday....

A pal regularly spends £30 weekly on take away pizzas deliveries..... Moabs continually she can't 'afford' to go on holiday with her partner...
That 1500£ you've spent on pizzas?? That would give you a nice hol!

It's a choice... And you feel less aggrieved if you say... I choose to spend this money on take aways over a holiday.... It's not wrong just a different choice...

A pal is always angry about her inability to save for a house deposit ... Outside the South East... Yet she has spent 300£ per month for ten years on storage (for stuff she mostly got rid of during the last move😁)... So over £36k...just on stuff she ended up largely binning /recycling...

We all do versions of this...

The definition of "tight" is highly subjective. We have family who would consider us tight with money but then many would think we are sensible. I don't really care what others think. I've worked hard for the money we have and I won't just waste it on things I don't enjoy.

I have a friend who would spend lots of money every week in our local leisure centre buying her kids hot chocolates while we waited for our other kids in swimming classes and such like.
I'd take a drink and a small snack with us every week. The amount of comments over the years I had "I can lend you some money if you're short" or similar

I have this all the time with my family. Its so frustrating and awkward trying to explain to someone you can afford xyz but just don't want to spend the money on it.

We go on a day out, I take a packed lunch for our family of 5, they buy burger, chips, drinks out and encourage me to do the same (I don't). They end up sliding the dc chips or treats they've paid for or buy 'extra chips for the table' and clearly feel sorry for the dc who are happily eating their sandwiches.

They come over for an evening and I have stuff in for food - they want a takeaway. I decline, they offer to pay for it, I decline again and again, they absolutely insist on getting the treat for us and pay for a damn takeaway. We say thank you. I can't outright refuse as it would be surly and probably lead to WW3...if you have this kind of family, you'll understand.

Then they see me spending a few hundred quid on a weekend away or buying something for the house and I can see them thinking WTF, we just bought them a takeaway and chips for lunch when we were at the zoo...and I feel guilty for spending my own money 🙄

For some people buying food while out is part of the outing and they enjoy it. When I took my DC swimming the hot chocolate and muffin in the cafe afterwards was something they looked forward to.
I mean I could have taken a flask of it and a packet of digestives or something and sat in the car with it but it wouldn't have been the same.

Yes I do understand that bill splitting can be gnarly. I guess I’m reflecting on my own experiences which are good friends being sensitive to billing differences and tightarses being dicks about it.

Money management is such an individual characteristic and the way we spend (or not) on others can be very revealing.

Shopping in charity shops is not being tight. I love it. Just say that you are doing it for environmental reasons.
Where you shop for clothes is no one's damn business.
I love charity shops.
And a good bargain!!!

The thing to remember about bill splitting is the person arguing against an even split because they only had pizza and a water when everyone else has had steak and wine is that they may have ordered what they did, because they were on a budget and they ordered what they could afford.

It's not tight or penny pinching to not want to spend money you don't have on other people's more expensive choices that you didn't even have yourself because you knew you couldn't afford them.

Yes exactly.

I'd say being tight is where your (affordable) choices have negative impacts on others or yourself.

I've had friends who'd penny pinch over meals/ drinks and make sure that they only paid the exact amount that they thought they owed taking a lot of time and fuss at the end of a meal, and frequently omitting the service charge/ tip leaving that to be covered by others. Being frugal, ordering the cheaper options and having a bit of flexibility to make the numbers work is fine.

One of my friends seems to hate replacing household appliences and will just get 2nd hand or the cheapest which is a false economy on long term replacements/ running costs. Having to make-do with what's avaliable and affordable is different.

People who won’t tip drive me insane

I view my mum as tight with money. She has an income way above her needs and loads in the bank yet will wear shoes with holes in and She won’t pay for anything she doesn’t view as being absolutely necessary even if it would enhance her life. She doesn’t even know what she is saving for. It will probably all go in care home fees as her health is not great and which she would absolutely hate! My dad was a spender before he died and whilst I do save some for the future I also live for today. I just don’t understand people who just save thousands to “leave for their kids when they go” why don’t they just give it away while still alive? Being frugal because you have to be is completely different.

To me, being tight is sponging off other people, eg letting someone buy you a drink more than once and never reciprocating.

Shopping in charity shops and being careful with money in other ways is just sensible! And that's whether you have money to spare or not. We're comfortable financially but I am a careful spender.