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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my father?

40 replies

LiIo · 06/06/2022 22:13

I was with my parents this evening and they mentioned they were planning on writing their wills. My father asked my mother if she would ever remarry if he were to pass away before her. She replied absolutely not, as she would not want to jeopardise her children’s inheritance.

My father said expects he probably would get remarried and if he were to pass away before this hypothetical new wife, she would inherit everything. He said it wouldn’t be fair for her not to. It caused quite the argument between my parents and left me feeling a little deflated.

I know it’s also hypothetical and I guess it would be his choice but AIBU to be a bit upset by my fathers response?

OP posts:

MrszClaus · 06/06/2022 22:15

Honestly, yes YABU. It's a hypothetical situation that might not even ever occur, it's a potentially difficult conversation for them to have especially in front of you as well, where his response might not have been the best thought out or expressed.

WomanAnon · 06/06/2022 22:17

Can't say I would be annoyed with him either to be honest!! Also seems very dismissive towards your DM. Maybe to safeguard this she could write her will accordingly - I'd be super pissed off if I thought for a second that my husband would effectively be willing to disinherit our children for the sake of some new fancy woman if I died!

WomanAnon · 06/06/2022 22:17

That should say wouldn't not would

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/06/2022 22:18

You are right to be annoyed.. Perhaps as your dad has put his cards on the table, she could write into her will that you ultimately benefit from her half?

HollowTalk · 06/06/2022 22:19

I think you have every right to be annoyed. Obviously he would have to support this mythical new wife in some way but not with money that he and his current wife have made together. That's just not fair. If he has the pension then his mythical wife will get half of that anyway, usually.

WashableVelvet · 06/06/2022 22:19

Your parents both ABU, your mum for cutting off her (hypothetical) options for the sake of inheritance and your father for assuming the inheritance has to go with the marriage. They could make a trust - our wills give the surviving spouse a lifetime interest in the house but eventually it has to go to the kids.

Neoandtrinity · 06/06/2022 22:22

I think some men just see their wives as a lacky to look after them. They don't actually see their wives as a person.

My BIL was trying to replace my sister before her funeral. He was in a new relationship within six months after her death. I don't think he ever say my sister as anything more than a replacement for his mother TBH.

autienotnaughty · 06/06/2022 22:22

My dm left her share of the house to my dad but split her half of their savings between kids/grandkids. For this reason.

Playplayaway · 06/06/2022 22:23

If I was your mum I'd make a trust will to protect my share of assets for my children, pronto.

Giveitall · 06/06/2022 22:23

Yes. It was hurtful. Presumably your parents have worked together to make a legacy for you and your siblings (if you have some?) Therefore in my humble opinion he should leave a legacy to his children.

IF he remarried & leaves his estate to his new wife & she has kids, she will probably leave her estate to those children who are strangers. WHY should they prosper from that?

Maybe your dad hadn’t thought this through? Was speaking without maliceaforthought? Maybe he was teasing?

Let this all quieten down & then point out to him how inconsiderate this might be.

Of course he’s entitled to spend every penny he’s got before he dies so none of us should feel entitled to anything but in your shoes, I too would be upset at the thought.

FictionalCharacter · 06/06/2022 22:29

Something similar happened to me - first parent left everything to second, second cut me out of their will (but had said they wouldn’t). It was hurtful.

DH and I have arranged our wills so that this can’t happen and the kids would still have an inheritance. Basically DH can’t give “my” share of our property to someone else if I die and vice versa. A solicitor can explain. Would your parents be willing to do this?

Lou98 · 06/06/2022 22:30

YABU to be annoyed when the conversation wasn't actually any of your business. Why were they discussing it with you there anyway?
What they choose to put in their will's are down to them. It's fair enough your Mum and Dad having the conversation because now your Mum can put something in her will saying that her assets go to you or similar but your Dad is his own person and providing he's of sound mind, doesn't owe you an inheritance if it means putting off what he wants in life. May sound harsh but he has every right to remarry if he chooses to do so.

How old are they? My Parent's are only in their 40's. Hypothetically (as that's what this is) if one of them dies in the next 2/3 years the other will only be 50/51 - I wouldn't expect them to potentially go the next 40 years alone to keep me happy. There's always the option of not marrying but some people think it's important and a dealbreaker in a relationship. There's also the case of if they had been together 30+ years, why shouldn't they get part of an inheritance?

Discovereads · 06/06/2022 22:32

YABU
It 100% their choice whether they would want to remarry and who to leave their assets to. No one is entitled to any inheritance. It could all go to a home for cats or a food bank.

You seem to only be upset with your father because you see him as jeopardising “your” inheritance. It’s not your money.

It was actually good of your father to be honest with your mother and put his cards on the table. She now can write her will to divide her assets between your father and you children in the event she predeceases him. That way her wishes to leave you an inheritance still are honoured even if he does remarry and wills all his assets to a new wife.

If your father had lied to keep the peace, she could well have left him everything of hers completely oblivious to his true intent to remarry and make a new wife his sole heir. He did the right thing by being truthful.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 06/06/2022 22:56

I think it is pretty shitty of him to be honest. Whatever his rights are, leaving what your mother would want you to have to someone else is crappy. Not surprised you were sad.

Mumnetter111 · 06/06/2022 23:14

His money his choice at the end of the day.

whiteroseredrose · 06/06/2022 23:20

YANBU. This happened to DH's friend.

Our main asset is the house.

Both DH and I are redoing wills so that on either death, DC inherit our share of the house with DH or I having a life interest in it.

Neither of us want our DC to lose out.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/06/2022 23:20

I would be most upset if my DM missed out on potential happiness in her last years to ensure we had an inheritance.

Springdaisy · 06/06/2022 23:54

My mother’s will states that everything is going to my dad. If he remarries, he has to pay me and my siblings everything he interited from my mum.
She didnt want to cut him out or share the inheritance, because the main asset is the house and he wouldnt be able to stay there if he had to share it with my siblings and me. But she made it very clear that her inheritance wont go to a future hypothetical wife and other children.
Your mother should see a solicitor to set something like this up. Or just leave everything directly to her kids.

Original poster

LiIo · 07/06/2022 00:18

Interesting to hear everyone’s perspectives.

I guess I’ve always felt my father treated us as a consolation prize. He was always jetting off on fancy work trips and meeting important people. He would only see his family for 6 weeks a year when I was growing up.

This kinda adds to that feeling of not really being valued by him much. He’s 71. Of course if he were to spend it doing what he loved, travelling the world etc that would be different, the fact that he would be willing to give everything to this hypothetical wife over his children who love him is hurtful.

@Lou98 The only reason it came up was because my mother had an email from her union about a free will writing service. It is my business because my brother is severely brain damaged and mentally disabled so I will be responsible for caring for him when my parents pass so my mother asked me for my input about how best to provide for him when they are gone.

OP posts:

MangyInseam · 07/06/2022 00:27

I think adults are allowed to remarry. And if they do so, they have responsibilities to the new spouse,some of which come before the responsibilities to the kids.

It is more difficult if there are things like a family property, or kids with ongoing needs, and there are ways to accomodate that in a second marriage. But in terms of just plain passing on cash assets, some should go to a second wife.

If your mum wouldn't want to do that it's fine but I don't think it's a thing to be a martyr about if she would be happier having met someone new.

LicoricePizza · 07/06/2022 00:31

I’d find it kind of hurtful too - as though he’s valuing a new incomer more than his own current family. All the more so if you have a sibling with requirements for ongoing care. Hope your mum manages to get decent legal advice on what to put in her will to protect you both as much as possible.

jevoudrais · 07/06/2022 00:42

I think our dad is being very selfish. It sounds like your mum would wish you to inherit and not a new spouse, and therefore your mum should do a trust will to ensure it happens because your dad clearly couldn't be trusted to respect your mum's wishes. I daresay your mum would respect your dad's from what you've written. He sounds like a charmer

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2022 00:46

Your father is an insensitive arsehole, and I'm willing to bet he has form. Your poor mum.

rnsaslkih · 07/06/2022 00:47

given that you will be responsible for your brother’s care, your father is an idiot to spout this shit. Your mum should probably take legal steps to protect you in the event that she dies first as your dad will probably replace her within a few weeks.

Pallisers · 07/06/2022 01:04

It is a given on MN that you are not entitled to any inheritance and you are the famous "grabby" if you feel a bit off if your dad leaves all his assets to his wife of 2 years after accumulating those assets with his wife of 30 years.

Meanwhile in the real world what you get in the will in families feels like the love you got and I don't know anyone who wouldn't be a bit upset if their dad basically said the family assets would go to his new wife - instead of his children having a share too. If I were your mum I would change my will so that at the very least any money/savings/jewellery/and personal items I had went directly to my children. After all she can leave it to who she likes right? otherwise her engagement ring could go to her successor instead of her daughter.

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