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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

28 replies

Tata22 · 06/06/2022 20:24

My husband and I have one child together. He decided he wanted no more and that has been his steadfast stance since. I would have liked more but I have been trying to accept his decision and just live our lives with our beautiful son.

Anyway, he's just said to me when we were discussing contraception options (I mentioned the snip for him) that what if we want another child some day and I was completely thrown. He has never ever ever once hinted his stance may not be as set in stone as he made out and now he's saying 'maybe' in 5 years or something he might feel differently who knows 'never say never' but he won't discuss it further.

Am I just expecting way too much because I'm actually a bit pissed off. I can't explain how sure he was that he absolutely didn't want another, I did but I've been trying to come to terms with that and had started to get over it and move on from the thought of ever having more DC and now he's just thrown a curve ball of a 'maybe we can discuss it in 5 years, may feel the same, may not' at me.

I'd rather him of just kept that to himself and then if he ever felt ready for another, discussed it with me then.

I can already feel myself getting my hopes up that he may change his mind in 5 years. I wish he'd just say no or yes but in 5 years if that makes sense? I totally appreciate things may change which make it not feasible in however many years to have another I obviously accept that possibility but I just feel so shit about so half arsed 'maybe, maybe not, who knows' like he's toying with me?

Feel free to give me a kick up the arse and tell me I'm being silly!

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 06/06/2022 20:27

He has got the right to be not sure.

And if you're a partnership, he should be able to express that to you as a safe space.

minipie · 06/06/2022 20:29

Honestly? It sounds more like an excuse for not getting the snip to me.

Notimeforaname · 06/06/2022 20:29

Do you think he's just saying that to avoid getting the snip?

Rinatinabina · 06/06/2022 20:31

Think he’s avoiding the snip.

Sunnytwobridges · 06/06/2022 20:38

He’s def avoiding the snip.

Hugasauras · 06/06/2022 20:39

Would he have said the same if you'd suggested a permanent solution for yourself instead of him, I wonder?

AdmiralsPie · 06/06/2022 20:43

oh no that's hard, I'd be cross too. I know you can't force these things but this sounds cruel.

Giraffesandbottoms · 06/06/2022 20:47

100% just saying to avoid the snip. He won’t change his mind in 5 years.

Notinthemoodforthis · 06/06/2022 21:21

Suggest a permanent solution for you, like the others suggested. See if he’d be open to that.

I’m also wondering - and I know it will sound quite negative, if it’s also to do with him being able to start another family or something one day, if things don’t work out between you two.

Original poster
Tata22 · 07/06/2022 06:18

So I actually did say to him I felt he was just trying to avoid the snip and if that was the case it was really nasty and he assured me it wasn't that and he's just been thinking about it more... I don't know, he seemed genuine.

It's not the first time we've talked about the snip but it is the first time he's said this.

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 07/06/2022 06:21

Do you want a 5+ year gap between children (assuming he’s telling the truth)?

Original poster
Tata22 · 07/06/2022 06:24

pippinsleftleg · 07/06/2022 06:21

Do you want a 5+ year gap between children (assuming he’s telling the truth)?

I'd take it over never.

I'm in my 20s so age wise wouldn't be the end of the world, perhaps not what I'd choose if it was just up to me but it isn't so.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 07/06/2022 06:30

He's keeping his options open and avoiding the snip whatever he tells you.

justfiveminutes · 07/06/2022 06:31

Is he in his 20s too? I think that is very young to be considering permanent solutions. I don't think it's wrong for him to have the self-awareness to know that he could change his mind or you could separate and find yourselves with new partners. Even if he feels sure now, it's fair enough to want to keep the option open for the future imo.

Original poster
Tata22 · 07/06/2022 06:32

justfiveminutes · 07/06/2022 06:31

Is he in his 20s too? I think that is very young to be considering permanent solutions. I don't think it's wrong for him to have the self-awareness to know that he could change his mind or you could separate and find yourselves with new partners. Even if he feels sure now, it's fair enough to want to keep the option open for the future imo.

No he's mid 30s

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 07/06/2022 06:35

Agree with others. He is dangling a future baby in front of you so you don't go on at him about the snip.
He hasn't said it before because the conversation wasn't serious enough. But now it's real he is putting you off.

Pretty unkind of him tbh.

Moithered · 07/06/2022 06:47

You need to change your husband. This is psychological shit; he will keep you hanging on for as many years as you are prepared to let him. Come 5 years, he'll be all 'oh, maybe in another year' and this will go on ad infinitum
And a minimum 5 year gap between your kids is a big one in terms of their relationship.

Sunnyjac · 07/06/2022 06:49

but he won't discuss it further.

Why? He started that line of conversation, what right does he have to then drop that bomb and shut it down again? Agree with others, he just doesn’t want to sort contraception himself, that’s your job as the woman.

Ziggazagga · 07/06/2022 06:56

That’s was my first reaction reading your op. He doesn’t want his fertility cut off.
He wants to avoid the snip. If it is, that’s really cruel. He shouldn’t be giving you false hope.
I’m sure he’d have been all for you having tubes tied etc if you mentioned that first
so what is he expecting - you to be on contraception indefinitely?

ChiselandBits · 07/06/2022 07:04

what would he say if you said, ok, but I don't want to take the pill / be on the coil etc anymore so its condoms or the snip (or no sex)? I don't mean blackmail him, he's entitled to feel however he likes, but it sounds like he is just assuming YOU will continue to deal with contraceptive side of things with no cost to him.

Luckydip1 · 07/06/2022 07:12

I would be inclined to say that you don't want to deal with contraception anymore on your side and see how he reacts. In other words would you rather have the snip or another baby? This puts the ball back in his court.

Original poster
Tata22 · 07/06/2022 07:16

We have actually agreed on condoms for now.

OP posts:
AceofPentacles · 07/06/2022 07:18

DP has said this and it's because of some hypothetical scenario where he has a new partner and they want children.

Original poster
Tata22 · 07/06/2022 07:22

AceofPentacles · 07/06/2022 07:18

DP has said this and it's because of some hypothetical scenario where he has a new partner and they want children.

I don't get why he'd potentially have them with another partner but not you?

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 07/06/2022 07:51

I'm sorry OP, I read it as he doesn't want the responsibility of another child with you, but is keeping his options open regarding meeting someone else in the future.