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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘Don’t you dare let the other children win Freddie!’

96 replies

Pinotgrigio87 · 06/06/2022 18:48

My childhood friend and I have taken different paths but we are in the same career.

She was brought up in a perfect household - Mum and Dad both high flying professionals, she was sent to the school an hour away as they did not want her mixing with us town folk. For some reason I made the cut. I am from a single parent family and we were on income support - we were ‘rough’ by anyones standards. We both studied the same degree at University.

She married her child hood sweetheart from School in a beautiful ceremony when we were mid 20’s; I struggled on with a failed engagement and abusive relationship. We are now mid thirties - I am childfree and never married. She is married and three children. I cannot shake the feeling that she feels I am a complete and utter joke as I live alone with my cat. We went on a weekend away with 10 other woman and the humble bragging and competitiveness about the children was insufferable.

At one point my frIend said she attended the local sports day of her little boy. She actually said

‘He kept winning everything it was just so stressful to watch and he (aged 5) was able to have the empathy to realise this was upsetting the other children. He came to me and asked mummy should I let the other kids win? I told him under no circumstances should he let the other children win and to continue doing as he was doing’. I was like - he is 5, let him do what he wants at sports day. Who cares?

she snapped back ‘you wouldnt know what it was like to be a mother’. I said nothing more and left her to it.

Mothers of Mumsnet - AIBU to feel she should not have snapped at me like that? Or do I really have no voice in these situations as a childless woman?

OP posts:

LauderSyme · 06/06/2022 21:55

Their behaviour has enraged me OP. Awful, nasty, snobbish people.

In their minds it seems that you are "the other children" and this whole family is Freddie and you have had the audacity to dare to win! I don't know how you refrain from calling them out on their horrible attitudes.

Next time one of them tells you to "remember your roots", say you're sure you can rely on them to remind you. I'd be tempted to say a lot else besides.

Testina · 06/06/2022 22:02

State primary sports day, in conversations with my friends this seems to be typical…

There is one straight 20m race that can be won by an individual, separated into boys and girls. 8 runner. No heats. So you can only beat 7 people, that’s it.

Everything is rotating in stations in teams. E.g. how many goals does your team score in 2 mins, with all kids in a line, take a shot, run to back. The total goals scored are recorded, but not who took them.

I doubt “Freddie” was winning so much 🤣

MissCrowley · 06/06/2022 22:03

Urgh one of my friends friends is just like this. I moved away and I'm now pretty pleased I never have to see her again. I still get to see my friend.. just not her friend.
She was a massive stuck up Bellend who talked about money a lot and how much her husband earnt. She was rude to serving staff and people she felt were beneath her. She had absolutely no class whatsoever and I always had an urge to punch her in her toad face but I restrained myself because I'm a grown up.

ThreeonaHill · 07/06/2022 10:27

ncerer · 06/06/2022 20:27

Come on OP. You're making this up.

Nobody would say "remember your roots" to another woman (or man). As if.

I don't know about the whole story, but I have definitely heard this said IRL, more than once.

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:33

ThreeonaHill · 07/06/2022 10:27

I don't know about the whole story, but I have definitely heard this said IRL, more than once.

Show quote history

They frame it as a ‘joke’ - it aint no joke the amount of times they have said it.

when I fully qualified in my profession it still was not good enough for the family really, when I became senior partner at 32 was the only time the dad actually gave up and SHOOK MY HAND 😂 plonker. I honestly feel they spend my entire career waiting for me to fail.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:34

MissCrowley · 06/06/2022 22:03

I dont think theres any point in saying anything to be fair. Just a waste of energy really. Fair enough I am talking about it here but I try not to gossip to others.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:37

LauderSyme · 06/06/2022 21:55

Their behaviour has enraged me OP. Awful, nasty, snobbish people.

Next time one of them tells you to "remember your roots", say you're sure you can rely on them to remind you. I'd be tempted to say a lot else besides.

I think Freddie and his brothers will just end up cut outs of their parents to be fair. They are very small minded. The new conversation is them trying to buy a property in an affulent area - she appears hell bent on buying somewhere in the right postcode for schools. She is currently renting and seems humilated about it. I dont see what the issue is. I rented for years. Theres loads of people like this isnt there?!

OP posts:

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:40

when I became senior partner at 32 was the only time the dad actually gave up and SHOOK MY HAND

Really?

Why do you see her dad so much when you barely see her?

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:45

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:40

when I became senior partner at 32 was the only time the dad actually gave up and SHOOK MY HAND

Really?

Why do you see her dad so much when you barely see her?

I tend to see them all together - I wm often invited to family events - I am not sure why.

OP posts:

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 10:45

These are the worse parents they bring so much stress to their children.

She would’ve been raised the same - win at everything, don’t fail, it’s not an option, rewarded for winning rather than enjoy taking part. It’s seriously a thing amongst some of the parents I have seen.

They storm in demanding why little Johnny didn’t win ‘kindest child’ or ‘hugest maths score’ and get all worked up - when it actually doesn’t make a difference.

Yoi doing better career wise is a slap in her face and one daddy couldn’t fix. She’s questioning her whole childhood based on your success.

Dump her, she makes you miserable.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:46

I tend to see them all together - I wm often invited to family events - I am not sure why

But why would you go when you hate them all?

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 10:46

Oh and you can have as much opinions as you like, him winning every race means very little until he fails and can’t understand why! He will have built up very little resilience as mummy won’t reward failure.

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:48

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 10:45

These are the worse parents they bring so much stress to their children.

They storm in demanding why little Johnny didn’t win ‘kindest child’ or ‘hugest maths score’ and get all worked up - when it actually doesn’t make a difference.

Yoi doing better career wise is a slap in her face and one daddy couldn’t fix. She’s questioning her whole childhood based on your success.

Dump her, she makes you miserable.

Particularly because I am from shock horror - a single parent family. How on earth did my Mum bring up a sensible woman on her own? With no money? And no outside resources or fancy schools? No man to support me and my sisters? I think I am a source of total fascination to them in all honesty.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:49

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:46

I tend to see them all together - I wm often invited to family events - I am not sure why

But why would you go when you hate them all?

Reading back over this thread. It makes no sense. I think it is for old times sake. I think I need to let it go after this weekend.

OP posts:

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:51

Do it! You'll feel so much better once you stop giving them headspace. I think you might - even subconciously? - think of yourself as in a competition with "friend", because she's made you her opponent. But you can just walk out of the race.

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:52

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:46

I tend to see them all together - I wm often invited to family events - I am not sure why

But why would you go when you hate them all?

She always seems to want a ‘catch up’ with me; a good ‘catch up’. I am now realising that this catch up is to find out
1 - how my career is and if I have fucked up yet
2 - who I am dating (if anyone) and if I have fulfilled my patriachial role of being picked (any man will do)
3 - what (if anything) has happened with my uterus

once the big three have been found out theres not much catching up left

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:54

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 07/06/2022 10:51

I am not in competiton with her - was never brought up like that. Dont give a flying fuck to be fair
I am fairly secure in the social mobility I navigated myself - I dont think they are though
and yes I think Freddie and his races was the turning point that I need to just leave this friendship back in the early noughties - where it should have stayed

OP posts:

GertrudeKerfuffle · 07/06/2022 10:59

I feel a bit sorry for your friend. Clearly what she has done with her life isn't good enough for her dad - she has three kids and apparently a lovely life, but it pisses him off that you are doing better career-wise. Maybe it passed him by that having children massively impacts a woman's career, and the whole 'you can have it all' idea is a huge misogynist burden on women, not to mention incredibly stressful. She's clearly a product of his competitive upbringing, now finding herself in a situation where she's bringing the next generation up in the same mould, and feels resentful of you. So you should feel angry at her dad, if anyone, although I imagine she's hard work to be around - I know someone very similar to her and can only take small doses

Sweepingeyelashes · 07/06/2022 11:26

She and Freddie sound insufferable. I was watching my husband play table tennis on holiday once and he muffed a few serves before winning. I asked him why he had muffed the serves and he said that he felt bad about not letting his opponent win any points. He wasn't going to even say anything to me let alone regaling other people with it but as a former competitive player he felt sorry for his outclassed opponent. Obviously I'm saying it here but I don't go round telling people about it and neither would he.

I suspect that she says these things to you because she's not very secure and life with Freddie isn't that exciting as all that. She is driving a child transport vehicle rather than a sports car for starters. She's probably sick to death of the childhood sweetheart by now.

Mariposista · 07/06/2022 12:11

I feel sorry for Freddie

PurassicJark · 07/06/2022 16:59

Pinotgrigio87 · 07/06/2022 10:52

once the big three have been found out theres not much catching up left

Show quote history

You could have fun with that though.

Tell her about a new job with a bigger company and you're part of the board.

Your new boyfriend is an astronaut.

Can't really lie here much, but say you are considering moving in with him when he is here of course tinkly laugh but you're looking at houses in post code that is more affluent than the one she wants.

Just wind her up. Then ditch her.

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