Please help me fix my life

[Miserablelife]

My life is awful, every single aspect and I need some help and insight to try to fix it as I don’t feel like I can carry on it’s all just such a mess. Apologies this is long.

i think the root of it all is school fees. We can’t afford them. It is hideously stressful and with the cost of living we have cut back and cut back and now we have nothing left not even for cheap holidays and cheap days out, it is utterly utterly miserable. I feel completely trapped as DD is just finishing year 9, I can’t pull her out but I honestly don’t think my mental health can cope for another two years. I know that is horribly selfish and I need to suck it up as I made this decision but we are all so stressed and miserable.

I am self employed and massively overworked, I work from 9am to 2am 6 days a week. I have no time for myself, the children or DP and it’s not even that lucrative. It’s stressful, demanding and a lot of it is horrifically low paid. I despise at least half of it but can’t see a way out and the bits I do like I am massively underperforming on as I just have too much on.

i also have horrific periods that are painful and heavy but even when it’s gone I then get at least a week of hideous itching, insomnia and crashing tiredness and it all starts again.

i pull my hair out due to stress and it is really thin, damaged with massive bald patches. I am four stone overweight but don’t have time to exercise or eat well and I have no nice clothes, makeup etc due to no spare money.

Our house is scruffy, damp and old fashioned as well as full of clutter, it is so depressing but I have no time or money to do anything about it.

I have no friends, no family support and my relationship with DP is non existent.

The only joy I have is the kids and our very few days out but I feel guilty I have messed everything up for them, I m not present for them and I can’t give them any fun, holidays etc any more. We used to have an amazing life, holidays every school holiday and weekends away every month.

i just spend every day crying about how awful everything is and wishing I could go back three years and send DD to state with her friends. It’s all such a mess.

if anyone has pulled themselves back from such a mess in all aspects of their life I would love to hear your story, or if anyone can help me untangle this all I would be so grateful, something has to give soon as I can’t carry on.

Oh my God. Take her out of private school now, ffs. You simply CANNOT afford it. She'll be fine, as were all my friends - and there were many - who went from private to state education at some point in the senior school. Career-wise, they've nearly all done as least as well as those who stayed until the end, and some a good deal better. We're all still friends.

TAKE HER OUT.

Private school is for those who can comfortably afford it. Not for those who are scrapping the fees together by working into the wee small hours, until their hair falls out. Crazy.

scraping. There's that private school
education showing . . .

Hi OP,
Sorry to read that you're having such a shit time. Have you talked to the bursar at your DD's school? I moved schools every couple of years during secondary, ricocheting between private and state - it's tough but doable. If nothing else is there the prospect of things looking up if she switches to a state sixth form in two years' time? I'm sorry I can't be more helpful 💐

you poor thing, this is not sustainable, is there a decent state option where DD still has mates? She is only just starting on her GCSEs, this isn’t the worst time to move, the extra cash and less stress on you would benefit her and the whole family.

also is it time to leave self-employment and look for a job, it sounds like this isn’t working for you any more??

and please see the doc about your periods! Mefanamic or tranexamic acid might help, please don’t suffer like this.

regarding the periods have you tried an IUD? Everyone's different but I've found it helpful in reducing my flow and cramps

Take her out of private school. You can’t afford it. There’s no grey area here.

Why are you working those hours for what sounds like poor financial return? It sounds like your business isn’t feasible.
Find employment elsewhere, work normal hours for normal pay for your industry.

Doing those two things will free up a lot of your time, money, and energy to deal with everything else that’s getting you down.

Just take her out of private school. Private schools are no better than state schools. Some schools are better than others but not because they are fee paying.

Also can you look for a job? No point being self employed if you're overworked and underpaid and it is stressing you out.

I moved schools a lot as a child including countries with a new language and also moved aged 14. Got 11 O levels, 4 A levels, a degree and a professional qualification. Kids don't need to stay in the same school to do well.

1. health. Absolute priority to sort hormones, which will then fix weight and itching and hair loss

2. speak to bursar at school re fees

3. Put in some protected time for you - a couple of half days a week where you focus ONLY on you - your finances, your health, your mental well being.

there’s nothing here that cannot be worked around or lived with or gotten through. Break it into small chunks day by day.

Absolutely take her out of school. Nothing is worth this. Children change school ALL the time, in all years for all sorts of reasons. Your DD will I’m sure be fine. And it sounds like nothing could be worse than your current situation.

I am almost certain that, without that financial pressure, you will be able to tackle all your other problems. You don’t need to deal with them all at once, but the problems don’t seem incapable of being solved relatively easily.

You probably haven’t had time to step back, but please try to. You will then probably realise that having a happier, healthier mother is far far better than any perceived benefits private school can offer your DD.

(Btw, not that Oxbridge is a major indicator, but I took my DCs out of private to state school, and they are both at Oxbridge with great friends and boyfriends, and most importantly are very happy. So moving your DD will not cause the sky to cave in).

Hope things get better. You cannot ruin your life over school fees. Xx

If what you are doing is low paid, can you stop and get a regular 9-5 job? It might even be better paid, and having your weekends back will help with how you are feeling.

Personally I wouldn't make a snap decision about your dd's school. Can you and your partner have a clear discussion about what made you choose private in the first place, and whether it is better to continue or not? I absolutely think a state education is fine, but the time to make big decisions is not when you are not feeling together.

You sound overwhelmed, and I wonder if you have any holiday time coming up? You need a break.

Make arrangements to move your dd back to state system for September. 2 more years before she does her GCSE exams. She will be fine. If she does struggle at first you will have enough money to get her a tutor for a few months. Look for a job. Working rediculous hours is not sustainable. This would free up valuable time you could spend with DC. Go to go and ask for transanemic acid. It helps with heavy periods. I had it in peri menopause. Treat yourself to a new outfit and go on a diet. Go walking. Once you lose a stone buy another outfit.

Thank you so much for the replies so far, I really appreciate it! , I know the answer is taking her out and I really appreciate the positive stories, I just worry I have let her down and she will struggle with the change. My own childhood was appalling and I vowed to give my two the best to make up for it.

in terms of going back to employment, in my self employment I do a range of different things, related but different. The only salaried jobs are for the bit I despise and they are extremely demanding and also low paid. This is the part of my role I spend half my hours on so 50 ish a week and it gives me about 20% of my income. I ve never looked at it like that before but this has helped me see if I get rid of that I can lose half of my hours but only 20% of my income which is another obvious solution really.

I do think losing the school fees and the part of my job that I hate could then help with the other stuff and I know I have put the GP off too long and I need to get that side of things sorted this week!

Have you contacted the school to see if there is any nursery help they can give? You won't be the only parents who's circumstances have changed. You will have to be prepared to be pretty open and about your finances and in your case because of self employment detail the long hours and detrimental effect on the DC in order to keep treading water. The way I look at it you don't really have anything to lose by telling it like it is. If that's a no go then changing schools to start Y10 might just have to be the case, better now than in a years time.

GP appointment and insist on full hormone checks. Awful periods and overweight could be something like PCOS. If you are on any sort of hormonal contraceptive that needs to be out your system completely before blood tests are done or the results won't be an accurate picture of what's going on.

You are currently stuck in a vicious cycle with negative elements impacting each other. The sooner you make a start on any of the issues, the sooner everything will start to feel so much better. Good luck, I hope things get better soon.

*bursary not nursery

If you carry on this way your kids won’t have a mum capable of looking after them at all if she’s burned out & can’t function at all. You’ve done your best & you absolutely haven’t failed them. But your circumstances have changed, there’s been a global pandemic a cost of living crisis & possibly a recession. You cannot continue with the school fees and none of that is your fault. Unless you sell you house to a much cheaper one? If that’s even possible? And is that the way to live? It will put unnecessary pressure on your kids to perform & guilt at what they’ve cost the family potentially. Something’s got to give but please don’t let it be your physical or mental health. Good luck 💐

Your kids need you well and happy not private education . They will be fine . See gp about your hormones. Sell house if overhwleming you. Life's too short for this. You are heading for breakdown unless you look after yourself. Big hugs

I’d definitely change school. Starting a new school at start of year ten is not the end of the world, and it’s definitely preferable to starting a new school at the beginning of year 11. Do everything you can to reduce your hours to something better- it sounds like an immensely difficult situation OP.

My youngest was homeschooled since 13, by then they have literally been taught most of what they need to know, he is now selftaught thanks to free information being availblle on line and he scored A** in all his last exams. There are other much more substanial ways to educate your children.
l woud go off sick and give yourself time to recharge and reset. Your current way of life isnt working, thats ok, there are plenty of other options. Once your stress levels come down you will be able to think more clearly.

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed.
You can feel stuck and helpless and sometimes you can't see what to do next.
Well done on asking for help and good idea to ask people who can see more clearly and not be bogged down by the situation.

Move your dd (and other child if it applies) to state school. They need functioning parents and not a private education. Your time and support will compensate for the teaching part and moving school with your support will teach them resilience.

Change your job. No job is worth literally pulling your hair out and having no time off.

Change of job to more manageable hours will give you time to sort out your health which will help you to feel better and take control of your house and future decisions.

You will have a happy life again.

Stop working at this job, it is horrifically low paid and you hate it. A new job is the answer. You can't carry on doing your job regardless of what you decide re dd's schooling if you are literally tearing your hair out, it sounds unsustainable.

Can dp work longer hours? Can his parents help out with the fees? Investigate the bursary and tell the school you may be about to lose your job, can they help - even a little like a 20% reduction would make all the difference.

Can you downsize to a new but smaller property? That could free up money for the fees, solve the issues with your house and take the stress out of life for you.

I would move heaven and earth to keep her there for the next two years, going against the grain - and sell what you need to. I would not continue with the job and take a week of to get on top of my mental health, jobs at home and get some sleep. You sound overwhelmed.

You’ve got too much going on and you’re drowning.
I think you need to write a list of all your problems and deal with them one by one.
First one is to find a state school for your DD in September.
Sec, phone the GP for an appointment. I’d suggest a Mirena coil for your periods, to start.
How old are you OP ? Could you be entering peri menopause territory ?

Is she still in contact with the friends who went to state school? You could try and request she is put in classes with them to make it easier on her

Just think of all the extracurricular and fun things you'll be able to afford and have time for once you are no longer paying those crazy school fees! Much more important for a rounded education and their development than private schooling...

But you also need a proper plan for your career instead of grabbing work every which way you can.

And assess how your DP fits into all this. What is he actually adding to your life, and is it worth it?

You need to take her out of that private school. I’m sure in the long run she will understand. Carrying on like this is just not sustainable for another two years. Get rid of the school fees you can reduce your hours and have a bit of a life. Your children will benefit far more from that than from continuing in private school.

my friend has just moved her dds school. Different reasons and state to state, but same age. It’s been about 4 weeks now. She’s made friends and is completely settled changing schools at this stage really isn’t the end of the world and it’ll make your lives so much better

I think the real problem is your health (mental and physical). I don't think it's the school fees. Where is her dad in all this? Can't he do more or take a second job?
I would get help for the periods and stress. You might find once you are in a better place it doesn't take you from 6am to 2am to work. I know when I'm in a mental dive everything is an effort and jobs that take 4 hours take me 12+ hours to finish.
The weight doesn't matter right now and you might find once your mental health is better and periods under control your weight will naturally come down.