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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty but not know how to help my sister.

60 replies

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 19:26

I'll try to keep this brief but it may be long!

My sister is married and has two children. At present, neither her nor her husband work. They get benefits. My sister has not worked really since she left school. She has started jobs but always quits them. She has started two recently- neither lasted more than a week.

Unfortunately, over the years, she has relied on our parents, me and other family members to "lend" money which is then never returned. There are always various excuses as to why it can't be returned. In recent months, our parents have supported her to the tune of around 2k 😳 they are ok financially but not wealthy enough to sustain that! I had started saying no to providing more money as it was becoming constant and expensive!

I helped out recently by sending a supermarket shop. Earlier this weekend, we had a family gathering and my sister asked for help for a taxi fare - I agreed to help as it would be quite an expensive fare, I didn't want her to miss out and I could afford to help. I gave her £65. Taxi cost £45 so she would have had the remaining money left. I know our parents also gave £20.

Except I have now had messages asking for more money for gas/electricity. I have said no and suggested she ring and ask for temporary credit.

I feel awful 😥 I obviously love my sister but I cannot keep funding someone else. I am comfortably off but not rich and have my own bills to pay. Unfortunately, once you say yes to one request, more and more is asked for until you say no.

I honestly don't know what to do to help her🙄 the obvious solution is for them to get jobs but neither seems able to stick at anything.

Not even sure why I am posting-just feeling frustrated and low this evening 😕 that said, if anyone has any suggestions for helping her that would be welcome.

OP posts:
ChairP0se9to5 · 05/06/2022 19:29

YANBU

They will be less motivated to get out there and earn if every problem is instantly sorted.

I was on lone parent allowance for years so it's not like I don't get it. My family did help me but I didn't ask or expect, I was grateful and I saved like mad so I gained independence eventually. It is hard when the DC are small I know but there are TWO of them! One of them could work! So I don't blame you for saying no to paying her utility bills!

Titsywoo · 05/06/2022 19:31

Stop enabling them. My brothers are like this and have never managed to survive without my parents support. Give them nothing else. They need to get jobs - the fact they can't stick them out is not your problem. They know they can get away with it so continue to take the piss.

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 19:31

Thank you @ChairP0se9to5 I was a student (albeit no kids) and didn't have much but I supported myself.

They really could work, there is honestly no reason at all why they can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 19:33

@Titsywoo that's how I feel 😥 I was 14 when I got my first (p/t) job and have always worked.

Pre uni and when I was a student, they may not have been the best jobs or jobs I particularly enjoyed but I bloody did them. Our parents have always worked as has our brother.

OP posts:
Lizzieismagic · 05/06/2022 19:34

Maybe send her a list of all the extra cash she has had lately.. Suggest she cuts back her spending and starts paying her own way.

hattie43 · 05/06/2022 19:36

Tell her to get off her backside and get a job . That's what most of us have to do ,

MoreShit123 · 05/06/2022 19:38

Are they the type who are always "skint" but miraculously have an endless supply of booze and fags? 🙄

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 19:40

@MoreShit123 in a way🙄 she doesn't smoke but her husband does.

I just find it perplexing that two adults seem to think it perfectly acceptable to ask others to fund them.

I promise I am not a horrible person and I don't mind helping anyone to a point but it's become ridiculous!

OP posts:
Lbnc2021 · 05/06/2022 19:45

Just stop giving them money. I got into this situation with an old friend who was always pleading poverty, they had more money than me! And I didn’t get one penny back, it was just expected of me to hand it over. They don’t feel guilty scrounging off you so why should you feel guilty about not letting them?

BreadInCaptivity · 05/06/2022 19:45

To be blunt, neither you or your parents are helping by constantly bailing them out.

The situation isn't sustainable.

It's one thing helping family overcome challenges outside their control but quite another to be expected to finance them because they can't be bothered to work.

The more you give the more they will expect so your only option is to tell them you will not do it anymore and stick to it.

IncompleteSenten · 05/06/2022 19:45

Message her saying sorry sis but you currently owe me £X. I just can't afford to keep giving you money. Please dont ask me again. If you want help job hunting, let me know.

FoiledByTheInsect · 05/06/2022 19:52

Simple, you and your parents stop enabling her. She won't learn to budget while she thinks she's got it made scrounging off you. You're a mug if you lend her any more. Unless she lives in the middle of nowhere with no buses, wtf were you doing paying 45quid for a taxi???

Ignore all texts, social media rants etc., and just keep asking "how's the job search going" on repeat till she gets the message.

MoreShit123 · 05/06/2022 19:57

I doubt anyone on here is going to think you're a horrible person OP. They both need to get a bit of self respect and grow the fuck up x

HotPenguin · 05/06/2022 19:57

Yadnbu in fact your parents are being actively unhelpful by giving all that money. What will she do you when your parents retire/pass away? She needs to get her shit together and start working and the longer she leaves it the harder it will be.

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 19:58

@FoiledByTheInsect unfortunately, we do live in villages with very limited public transport so they genuinely had to get a taxi.

Thank you for all of the replies so far. I know that ultimately, you are all right.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 05/06/2022 20:00

Honestly, the kindest thing here is to stop. They will never change unless they have to. If they know they can always rely on other people to pay, there is no motivation for them to work and to budget properly.

InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 20:02

Do they have any reasons why they might be struggling to work (mental health? Learning difficulties?)

In terms of how you can help, I do think you have to cut them off.

But maybe also try and encourage them towards some stepping stones towards work? For people who've never held down a job it's a big step to go from nothing to employment. They might need to start with a bit of education or volunteering to build better habits before adding the responsibility that paid employment brings. It's a long game and they likely need a lot of help.

YarnHoarder · 05/06/2022 20:08

Ignore what you're parents are doing to an extent, they can obviously do what they want with their money - I know you're not trying to stop them etc but know it can feel frustrating. Definitely stop supporting them quiet so much, benefits are crap to have to live on but it sounds like there's issues with their budgeting if they're regularly having to rely on others.

If it was my sister I'd have drawn the line ages ago but we have a relationship where this is easy. Next time she asks, ask when you're going to get paid back for the taxi fare? It's basically turned into you gifting her money every time she asks when it should be a loan. Every time she asks, asks for the last to be repaid first. It'll help set some boundaries and for them to realise they have a finite income and need to make adjustments to live within that or increase that income.

TheHaka · 05/06/2022 20:09

Ask if she needs help to budget.

Basketet · 05/06/2022 20:11

I'm surprised the Jobcentre hasn't got them both into part time employment even... regardless of how many times your Dsis quits. As pp has already asked, do they have poor MH and or learning difficulties?

Doginthewindow · 05/06/2022 20:12

You are not helping them. Are they planning on living like this when they are old? Agree with your parents to stop being doormats all of you. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

drpet49 · 05/06/2022 20:15

“Simple, you and your parents stop enabling her. She won't learn to budget while she thinks she's got it made scrounging off you. You're a mug if you lend her any more. Unless she lives in the middle of nowhere with no buses, wtf were you doing paying 45quid for a taxi???”

^This

LookItsMeAgain · 05/06/2022 20:16

I think you might need to be cruel to be kind - give her an itemised breakdown of how much money you've spent (just you) and maybe ask your mum/dad to do the same and say that the only way that you've been able to provide her with this money is because you have a job and you stay in that job.
Perhaps ask her to put a budget together based on what she gets by way of benefits and show her how to economise.
There's a saying about teaching a man to fish (can't think of it right now) but I think if you show her how to budget rather than keep giving her handouts, she'll do better in the long run.

Original poster
PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 20:22

No MH/learning difficulties which prevent them from working.

I do think part of the issue is that she/they have become used to being bailed out by everyone else. As I say, I do love her but she is very good at giving a sob story about why she needs this money.

I wonder if they would benefit from something like early help but I don't know how to access that in a non-professional capacity.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 05/06/2022 20:23

Sorry, but if your sister has not worked since she left school, she should not have had children. Where does she think the money comes from to put food on their table and clothes on their back? The money fairy? The bank of mum and dad?

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