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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty but not know how to help my sister.

60 replies

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 19:26

I'll try to keep this brief but it may be long!

My sister is married and has two children. At present, neither her nor her husband work. They get benefits. My sister has not worked really since she left school. She has started jobs but always quits them. She has started two recently- neither lasted more than a week.

Unfortunately, over the years, she has relied on our parents, me and other family members to "lend" money which is then never returned. There are always various excuses as to why it can't be returned. In recent months, our parents have supported her to the tune of around 2k 😳 they are ok financially but not wealthy enough to sustain that! I had started saying no to providing more money as it was becoming constant and expensive!

I helped out recently by sending a supermarket shop. Earlier this weekend, we had a family gathering and my sister asked for help for a taxi fare - I agreed to help as it would be quite an expensive fare, I didn't want her to miss out and I could afford to help. I gave her £65. Taxi cost £45 so she would have had the remaining money left. I know our parents also gave £20.

Except I have now had messages asking for more money for gas/electricity. I have said no and suggested she ring and ask for temporary credit.

I feel awful 😥 I obviously love my sister but I cannot keep funding someone else. I am comfortably off but not rich and have my own bills to pay. Unfortunately, once you say yes to one request, more and more is asked for until you say no.

I honestly don't know what to do to help her🙄 the obvious solution is for them to get jobs but neither seems able to stick at anything.

Not even sure why I am posting-just feeling frustrated and low this evening 😕 that said, if anyone has any suggestions for helping her that would be welcome.

OP posts:

Doginthewindow · 05/06/2022 20:26

You are not doing their children any favours either. They are crap role models and need to step up sooner rather than later. What on earth are you thinking by enabling them this way..wake up!

Georgeskitchen · 05/06/2022 20:30

Agree with above pps, you and yoir parents need to stop enabling them. They are taking the piss big time

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 05/06/2022 20:30

My sister is the queen of coming out then saying she has forgotten her purse. We will be having words about it next time we go anywhere together. You just have to say no.

hiredandsqueak · 05/06/2022 20:32

Honestly just stop saying yes to any request. I did the same with dsis because every text I received was a request for money. Once I stopped saying yes she never contacted me any more. Yes it's sad we aren't in contact but she obviously didn't want to know me for anything more than what I could give her.

Hothammock · 05/06/2022 20:33

I have similar in my family. They ask because they have learned it works and everyone seems to accept it as of it's a normal way of life. You will never help grown Adults out of this pattern of behaviour unless you change your own part in it.
So you will be doing the right thing to say sorry you can't lend anymore until she has managed to repay what has already borrowed.
From experience, you will need a thick skin the first few times and then it will become easier.

Cactuslove · 05/06/2022 20:34

They've become dependent on you all so there's no urgency to find a job. But if they are on benefits I'm surprised they're not asked to go to the job centre etc? I've recently found myself on benefits only £100 pm but all helps- his is after separation and I have two young kids. I work 24 hours in a professional job. My brother gave me £1000 for my birthday and stocked my fridge. The most amazing gift. But I can't bring myself to touch his money! In a years time once they're working if you decide to help them out a bit it's a gift and should be seen like it. But I do agree with you find it hard to understand how they just ask others for money. I feel embarrassed that my brother even felt the need to help me out.

Therunecaster · 05/06/2022 20:35

My DP has a brother like this. He and his horrible wife have fleeced his PILs for 10s of thousands over the years. They owe DP 5 thousand and cut him off when he asked that they start paying it back. I can't stand them. Their adult kids have turned out to be equally grabby. None of them work but he drives a BMW!

BilboBagBin · 05/06/2022 20:41

For a few people, traditional ‘work’ is not really for them for a variety of reasons. Maybe your sister needs to try something like a side hustle doing something she enjoys that she can slowly build up into a long term business as her confidence grows,

PassThePringles · 05/06/2022 20:41

I'd ask her if she wanted to have a coffee and figure out how she can budget her money better. If she's comfortable with it, find out what their incomings are and where every pound of her outgoings are going to. Is she buying the high end brands? Paying for Sky? How much is getting smoked away etc. Let her see in black and white where her money is going and where can she save here and there.
You never needed to worry about being called horrible etc, you've done more than enough for them.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 05/06/2022 20:41

I don't know how you can feel sorry for them OP, I'd be ashamed of them, because they're basically too lazy to get off their backsides and earn their own money, and as everyone else has pointed out, you and your parents enabling them hasn't done them any favours whatsoever!! Tell them that you're done lending, and they need to get jobs and if they don't like the jobs they get, then they need to stick with them until they've found something else, not just quit and expect others to bail them out.

Herejustforthisone · 05/06/2022 20:42

They’re pathetic and they need to grow up. Everyone needs to stop enabling them and giving their own hard-earned money over to two lazy fuckers who are big enough and stupid enough to support themselves, but who can’t be arsed and would rather some other mugs do it.

Quitelikeit · 05/06/2022 20:43

sadly you cannot change their approach to life or money. Luckily you are not responsible for their actions and nor should you feel guilty.

i think it’s highly likely that they are getting more from your parents than you know about.

if you all keep bailing her out then you hamper her ambition to get up and go to work as she really doesn’t need to if you all subsidise her

Herejustforthisone · 05/06/2022 20:46

How old are they?

Doginthewindow · 05/06/2022 20:46

PassThePringles · 05/06/2022 20:41

It will only end with a sob story and op getting the blame.

PassThePringles · 05/06/2022 20:59

I think OP has realised from the replies that she needs to toughen her approach abit. (I hope so anyway!) but you're right, it could go that way.

Her sob story holds no ground though as there is work out there, especially in things like Housekeeping which can be only four hours a day while the dc are at school (or the BIL would be home with them)... If she gets an attitude towards OP, it'd be biting the hand that feeds her, so to speak, so she'd be burning bridges which will either show OP how ungrateful she is or OP will get a break from bailing the couple out for a while, while she cools off... Maybe that'd be a win/win situation actually...

It's worth a try anyway imo. It helped me help my friend who was stressed and unorganised (not going through her money but going through her daily routine, breaking it down etc so see what we could fix.)

PassThePringles · 05/06/2022 21:00

Sorry DogInTheWindow, I thought I'd replied to you directly :)

Newestname002 · 05/06/2022 21:01

@PumpkinPie2016

I'm afraid your sister and her husband are idle spongers. Why would they go to all the trouble of getting jobs, sticking to them in order even if they don't like them, to pay their bills if you and your parents will just hand cash out to them?

Have you or your parents ever added up how much you've given them over the years? Try it, then add your going rate of tax and NI to that and work out how long you'd have to work in your job to get that money. And they are getting it - regularly - for free. Plus they're on benefits.

You are not being horrible to say no firmly and keep saying no. Anything else is just encouraging them to leave things as they are get bailed out by family for the rest of their lives...

Perhaps refer them to Citizens Advice or one of the debt management agencies - but let them do this themselves. They need to adult up and accept responsibility for their own lives, just as you are. 🌹

Doginthewindow · 05/06/2022 21:13

PassThePringles · 05/06/2022 21:00

Sorry DogInTheWindow, I thought I'd replied to you directly :)

I agree with you completely. It is absolutely worth a try, especially if op acts as she is serious this time. Sadly I think this has been going on for such a long time, they only know sob stories. But it’s up to them then.

Original poster

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/06/2022 21:39

Sorry just catching up with the thread. Thank you for all of your replies - it's a relief to know that others can understand why I am infuriated! I am sorry some of you have similar relatives!

Someone asked their ages - they are both early 30s so not kids!

I have said no, I cannot afford it, to the request I received tonight. I sent a link to a citizens advice page which explains how to get temporary credit for utilities. Got a message about an hour after saying it's OK, sorted it. Not sure how but that's not for me to worry about.

Someone upthread said their sister or friend was like this and every message was a request for money which is exactly how I feel.

Going forward, I am just going to say 'sorry, I can't' and rinse and repeat.

I am happy to help them job hunt/budget etc but not to continue funding their lives.

OP posts:

Doginthewindow · 05/06/2022 21:42

Op get your parents to do the same.

Newestname002 · 05/06/2022 21:54

@PumpkinPie2016

Got a message about an hour after saying it's OK, sorted it.

So they can do it ... except check they've not "sorted it" by scrounging off your parents again. 🌹

Ferngreen · 05/06/2022 21:58

I thought you were v unlikely to be able to live of benefits and not work nowadays - the Tories can't be as evil as everyone claims

Natty13 · 05/06/2022 22:05

the obvious solution is for them to get jobs but neither seems able to stick at anything.

I am really shocked that you don't understand that that the reason. The jobs "don't stick" is because everyone keeps funding them.

If you and everyone else stopped giving them money all the time they would have to stick at a job wouldn't they?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 05/06/2022 22:06

Your sister and her husband are adults. It’s about time they took responsibility for their own decisions. Tough love is needed from everyone. Once the family bank dries up they will have to figure out how to fund themselves.

I speak from experience with a sister who sounds like yours. Once we all got sick of bailing her out (to the tune of thousands) she went NC with us. It was strangely peaceful.

Your parents should realise they are only enabling your DS and not solving the problem. Can imagine it must be tough to say no though.

InChocolateWeTrust · 05/06/2022 22:09

I thought you were v unlikely to be able to live of benefits and not work nowadays - the Tories can't be as evil as everyone claims

Where you have a couple of kids, you can get various elements that add up, although it can be capped and it's not loads, which is probably why they are constantly needing more from OP

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