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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More miserable than I was despite being financially better off

42 replies

givemearest · 05/06/2022 16:44

A couple of years ago I had my son and spiralled into a deep postnatal depression, to the point I can barely remember the first year of my son’s life and it was a really awful time. I’ve never felt so numb and alone and empty.

in the midst of this depression I desperately wanted to take my mind off things and so ditched my freelance life to set up a business, which failed enormously and got us into thousands of pounds of debt. I don’t think I could have felt any worse than I did during this time.

i started to get help and in 2021 I set up another business because I was desperate to do something new with my life and to put the past behind me, and was confident in what I was doing, and it has been a success financially to the point I was VAT registered in under a year.

but I am drowning. My son has additional needs and I work from home, trying to parent while still struggling mentally and being the sole earner in the family so trying to provide. I’m working so much I never get a break, my mental health is shot, I am so so tired all the time and a ball of anxiety to the point I feel sick. I’ve gained so much weight from being miserable and on meds for my mental health and I’m currently struggling with chronic health issues.

but I feel so guilty to feel bad about all of this when financially we are doing ok and we are able to keep up with debt repayments etc.

so why do I wish that I’d never started this business? I just need a break.

I don’t know what the AIBU is here, I just needed to vent because I have no one to talk to and I’m struggling. I’m sorry if this comes across as insensitive

OP posts:
TheOpenRoad · 05/06/2022 16:48

It sounds like you are moving mountains and carrying the world on your shoulders, you have achieved a huge amount in the last few years. I'm not surprised you're exhausted with so much effort and work to turn your life around and raise a child, you should be very proud of yourself.

It gets a little easier as the lids grow but the best advice I have is to make things easy where you can, easy food, cleaner, start saying no to social activities

Jeansgoals · 05/06/2022 16:56

You need to use some of that money to make your life easier. Can dad help? Can you pay for a nanny? Cleaner?

NoSquirrels · 05/06/2022 16:59

I’m so sorry, that sounds really tough.

Is your DP/child’s father a SAHP? Is he fulfilling that role properly while you concentrate on the business? Or would it be better financially to put DC in childcare and have 2 incomes coming in? Can your business sustain extra staff to help?

HollowTalk · 05/06/2022 17:00

You know what, you sound amazing. Where is your child's father in all of this?

MintJulia · 05/06/2022 17:00

Agree with pps, pay for some care, domestic help and set your hours firmly at 40 a week. Then turn the work phone off.

The new company is working, your financial situation is being resolved. Cut yourself some slack.

Original poster
givemearest · 05/06/2022 17:10

DS is in nursery 2 afternoons a week at the moment. It’s being upped in July when they have more spaces, they’re fantastic for his needs. My mum also has him one day a week. But my partner does not help with the business at all, and the house is always a mess because he doesn’t clean it leading us to normally spending the weekend sorting things out. He is a great dad (and DS’s biological father) but I wish he’d help me out with work when he can, I’ve explained it to him multiple times but nothing changes. And then the mum guilt comes in with feeling like the second best parent.

OP posts:
KarrotKake · 05/06/2022 17:25

You have a partner problem.
He needs to take on the lions share of the house stuff and childcare.
Or he needs to get a job that allows you to get in help for the house stuff, and pay for FT nursery.
It's not surprising that you are struggling when trying to do it pretty much all your self.

NoSquirrels · 05/06/2022 17:25

What does he do the 3 days a week he’s not responsible for looking after your DS? Why isn’t he working and bringing in money?

Bananalanacake · 05/06/2022 17:29

If you are the sole earner why isn't your DP working?

newbiename · 05/06/2022 17:38

You have a massive 'D'H problem. He's not a good Dad if his wife is on her knees. Why hasn't he got a job ?

NrlySp · 05/06/2022 17:41

Could you afford a cleaner/tidyer a couple of times a week? Like a sort of part time housekeeper? Maybe some sessions with a life coach to figure out your priorities and how to get there?

Original poster
givemearest · 05/06/2022 17:52

He’ll start tidying up on his days off and he’ll be ages and I’ll think he’s tidying upstairs but when I call his name it turns out he’s been ‘having a lie down’ almost routinely every time. Given up on trying. He should be helping me on his days off or getting another job but he doesn’t. So basically when my son isn’t there he’s doing...nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
givemearest · 05/06/2022 17:53

I’d like to see a life coach but I enquired with one and she invoiced me £1,000 immediately after one enquiry phone call and it’s put me off!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/06/2022 17:56

Would you be better off without him? Serious question, not a knee-jerk LTB. Has he always not worked?

Original poster
givemearest · 05/06/2022 17:59

No I do love him. We have a great relationship otherwise @NoSquirrels - he worked when we met but lost his job during the pandemic and struggled with his mental health as a result of it so never went back. But now he’s doing well mentally but hasn’t looked at work since

OP posts:
Indigoo03 · 05/06/2022 18:38

From what I've seen you've done the hard part of setting up a successful business! Be proud of that as many others have never even dare venture down that route. My experience with Life coaches are they don't give you any magic answers. They give you tools for planning and methods for dealing with stress eg it's not that important/have a plan/get help. However I did find six sessions helpful (at 50 for each 40mins)...£1000 sounds excessive.

AnneElliott · 05/06/2022 19:01

Your partner needs to pull his weight and get a job! Completely unfair to expect you to shoulder all of the burdens of breadwinner and parent! What does he bring to the table?

CrumpetStrumpet · 05/06/2022 19:07

Your partner needs to pull his finger out of his arse, get a job and start contributing towards family life!

He is niether a great dad or father if he is content to see you run yourself into ground. The fact that he does nothing even after you've told him multiple times is very telling. He simply doesn't care enough to change his cushy number.

How is your relationship great? Because from what you've written it sounds awful. You sound like an amazing inspirational woman op. You deserve better!

Sumtimesiamgreen · 05/06/2022 19:09

He’s not a great dad if he doesn’t support the mother of his child.
anyway..,,,, kids are young for short time, someone once told me to relax… everyone fed, no one dead. The house was a mess and I was knackered, but it passes. Get a cleaner, shopping delivered, keep up the good work . You can do it.
life is hard and even more so with little money.

DelilahBucket · 05/06/2022 19:18

You cannot do it all. Repeat this to yourself several times. Then take control and figure out where you can delegate. Do not be afraid to take on staff for your business. Do not be afraid to take on staff at home. Do not be afraid to kick your child's father up the backside because he clearly isn't pulling his weight.
Something always has to give in these circumstances and it is always someone's health (physical and mental) that gives first. Only you can change that but you're going to have to make changes rather than just drowning.

DelilahBucket · 05/06/2022 19:23

Ps. You don't need to waste money on a life coach. You just need to organise the bits that aren't working and you can do that by yourself. The problem is, you are juggling so many things at once, you probably feel like you are not doing anything completely. If you work from home, can you rent an office instead? You will be so much more productive and you can leave unemployed hubby on dad duty seen as he can't be arsed working. To be honest, the quickest fix is to get rid of the cocklodger you live with. He's doing you no favours.

70kid · 05/06/2022 19:35

At least he’s your DP & Not DH
do not whatever you do marry the lazy fucker
he’s the sort who will bleed you dry and then divorce you and bleed you dry even more
You probably only feel the way you do because you have what appears to be a cocklodger living off your hard earned work
guarantee you if you got rid of him both your physical and mental health would get better pretty quickly

tootiredtoocare · 05/06/2022 19:35

It's DP who needs a life coach, and a kick up the arse.

70kid · 05/06/2022 19:38

plus the pandemic started over 2 years ago March 2020
if he lost his job around then and has not gone back to work he and is not pulling his weight around the house is definitely a lazy fucker
but until you are willing to see this and act on it nothing will change

WizardOfAus · 05/06/2022 19:38

Your partner is a horrendously lazy git.
He is not a good dad.
He is not a good partner.
I bet my money that you did EVERYTHING when your son was a baby, too.