More miserable than I was despite being financially better off

[givemearest]

A couple of years ago I had my son and spiralled into a deep postnatal depression, to the point I can barely remember the first year of my son’s life and it was a really awful time. I’ve never felt so numb and alone and empty.

in the midst of this depression I desperately wanted to take my mind off things and so ditched my freelance life to set up a business, which failed enormously and got us into thousands of pounds of debt. I don’t think I could have felt any worse than I did during this time.

i started to get help and in 2021 I set up another business because I was desperate to do something new with my life and to put the past behind me, and was confident in what I was doing, and it has been a success financially to the point I was VAT registered in under a year.

but I am drowning. My son has additional needs and I work from home, trying to parent while still struggling mentally and being the sole earner in the family so trying to provide. I’m working so much I never get a break, my mental health is shot, I am so so tired all the time and a ball of anxiety to the point I feel sick. I’ve gained so much weight from being miserable and on meds for my mental health and I’m currently struggling with chronic health issues.

but I feel so guilty to feel bad about all of this when financially we are doing ok and we are able to keep up with debt repayments etc.

so why do I wish that I’d never started this business? I just need a break.

I don’t know what the AIBU is here, I just needed to vent because I have no one to talk to and I’m struggling. I’m sorry if this comes across as insensitive

I hope you didn't pay that invoice!

As usual, the root of this problem is a lazy fucking useless man.

He doesn't work, he doesn't pull his weight in the house, what is the point of him? Tell him he gets a job or his crap arse can enjoy explaining why he isn't working to the benefits office.

Slightly missing the point here but... a life coach invoiced you one THOUSAND pounds for a phone call?! I'd say even £100 would be pushing it! How long were you on the phone for, a week?! That's insane. 🤯

And your DP is very lazy and needs to help you!

Op, you are going through a rough time but take your time to make any decisions. I felt like that very often in the past, to my surprise, the thing that was bringing me down was not the amount of work or the health of my young child, it was the amount of time I spent nagging and resenting my husband for not helping out.

Two weeks after he moved out, I found myself sitting on the sofa at 8pm with a child happily asleep in his bed, an immaculate house, a fridge full of food for the week and NOTHING else to be done.

Interestingly, despite him being the main earner by far, I realised a few weeks later that financially I was also much better off without him. He was too much of a burden to carry on top of everything else.

It's not you, it's him.

How can he be a great dad when he doesn’t contribute financially or practically! He should be doing full time childcare. Your mum should not need to be stepping in. There is one issue here and it’s your DH not pulling his weight. Sounds like he does nothing!

I assume that was the payment for a set of sessions following the phone call which the OP opted not to take up, not for the call, and that the terms were payment in advance. You can't bill people for an introductory call, you don't have any contract with them.

If you get rid of the dead weight, either by making it do it's share or cutting it loose if it won't, your life will be transformed for the better.
Listen to PPs. Hear it. Process it. Action it.
You and your child deserve better than this bullshit.

You haven’t got a good relationship if he can’t support you.

Give your head a shake op. You're being used so much by this waste of space. He doesn't work at all, doesn't do any cleaning, so doesn't provide for his son at all, and you think he is a good dad? Come on, he's a shit dad, and a shit partner. He goes for a nap while watching you stressing, and you think that's love? You've got very low standards.

Kick the lazy fucker out, or continue to be stressed and stop whining about it.

@AquaticSewingMachine

Well that makes more sense! 😆

Not surprised you're drowning. Your partner is a freeloader with no interest in your wellbeing.

You're supporting everything and everyone whilst he 'has a lie down'. Open your eyes and stop defending his useless behaviour.

I do see where you’re all coming from and will have a think about what to do from here. I’m currently downstairs working, to be fair to him he has cleaned the house (as well as he could) today, though half of upstairs isn’t done because he’s apparently ‘resting his eyes’. 🤔

That's not good enough. He is off, he doesn't work, I bet he doesn't even have his son to do anything with (god forbid), and yet he needs to rest his eyes? Does he need a fan to wave before he swoons too? What a lazy pansy he is. Get rid op or forever be picking up after him and be stressed.

The PP are right, OP. Your DP either needs to be a proper SAHP, e.g. take responsibility for the parenting and housekeeping whilst you work, or get an actual paid job so that you can afford to pay others to do the aforementioned.

You cannot carry it all alone, and nor should you.

This is insane! You sound incredibly strong and hard working and yet you’re letting your partner and the father of your child slob around while you bring in all the income plus everything else?!

Imagine how much easier your life would be either alone or with someone who footed half the bill and shouldered half the chores

Your partner needs to take more responsibility in absolutely all areas. He needs to sort out the house, earn some money and actively parent your child while you work.

You need to step back from a number of things and hand them over to him.

No point in saying housework is one if he just doesn't do it. You'll just row. Get a cleaner. But could he do the cooking and laundry?

I appreciate he's had depression and was around and supportive of you when you had PND and ran up massive debts in your failed business, so in your place I'd be supportive of him in this bad time in his life, having lost his job. It can be so demotivating. You say he's depressed. Is he on medication? When I was on ADs I just could not stop sleeping all day long, and couldn't clear my head to tidy the house. He may need to start reducing medication or change the one he is one.