To refuse to deal with the aftermath of my mother's inevitable death?

[MusingsOfANoContactDaughter]

I'm NC with my mother, there are many reasons for it and all are valid. She made my life a misery and should have never had children.

She's getting on now and her health is bad due to her lifestyle.

When the inevitable happens I've already decided I want no part of it. I won't be doing the daughter duties of clearing out her place or making sure her affairs are in order, I most certainly won't be contributing to any funeral. I don't want the burden nor the stress it will cause me. There isn't masses of family to offload it all to so it's inevitable it will fall to me.

So AIBU? And what happens when I say I want no part in it?

Difficult one really.

Helping out will support the family rather than your mum. Are you on good terms with the family?

YANBU

Nasty people do not become saints when they die, you cannot rewrite history.

I'm sorry she was so shit for you

You would be doing it for your family, not your mum as she won't be here. You can organise a cremation only which is very quick, much cheaper and they will even scatter the ashes if you don't want to. Her estate will pay for it, but depending on whether she leaves a will or not, that will give you funeral instructions, or the money to arrange yourself. You needn't attend any service if someone else arranges it with your help.

You don’t need to clear out her house. There a companies/charities like BHF who you can pay (from the estate to do this).

The only family she has are two siblings who are both around 70, me and my brother.

My brother was estranged from her for decades so he wouldn't get involved.

Absolutely this. Do not feel guilty you are NC for a good reason. Dead people do not get left lying around if their children don't get involved.

Not unreasonable

I feel the same way about when my parents go. I've had nothing to do with them in 25 years, only having contact when absolutely no choice and necessary. And even that is so unsettling to me that I hate it and DH hates it too as he says I become a little kid again and look so scared and I visibly shake.

But my sister is an utter weapon. She couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. One of my good friends from school still lives near my parents, and is polite in that way old people are even if they have utter contempt for the person!

She said "I bet if your mum goes first your dad will be in touch as he needs a woman telling him what to do" - for the record it's a poorly kept family secret my sister is the result of an affair, so he won't be asking her.

There is not a chance in hell I will have anything to do with planning, let alone attending, a funeral for either of the pair of them. Nor will I care if their crap ends up in a skip in the front garden as I want naff all to do with them, their crap, their paperwork or anything else. You could literally shove them in a skip with it for all the cares I can muster.

And I'm a nice enough person to know that's a terrible, awful thing to think let alone say but it's self preservation. My mother would barely spit on me if I was on fire so the likelihood I will go running to her on her deathbed is nil.

So you shouldn't feel bad at all. I'm sure for people without family to help the council sorts it out. Or I hope they do because I won't.

She doesn't have an estate or savings, last I knew she had a very small life insurance policy that she pays a few quid into every month which may or may not pay for a funeral.

I can't stomach the thought of having to sift through all her belongings, paperwork etc.

You don't have to. You really don't. As soon as you know she's dead, book a nice long holiday abroad.

Don't answer calls/pick up messages.

People should die as they lived. She didn't do her duty to you - you have no duty to her.

You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. I am sure her siblings are more than capable.

stay exactly where you are now! (literally and emotionally!)
i like the quote from earlier when someone said people don't become saints just because they die.
i wouldn't even know if my mother has/had died. that's how much investment i have in the (could-be) dead old bag's life/death.

You don't have to. I was NC with my mother for over 20 years and only found out she'd even died by doing an internet search and finding out a year after the event. Somebody did her funeral and cleared the house, but I don't know who it was. Not my problem.

I don’t think you have to do any of those things. They are all the responsibility of the executor of the estate. And you can decline being executor, even if she named you to be so, or dies intestate and you are the first person in the legal hierarchy that it falls to.

If she owns the house, presumably it becomes the problem of whoever she leaves it to (if that’s you can just put it up for auction as is, which it very easy) or decline it and it will bounce down to the next person, as it would it you died before her (there will be provision for that) and if she rents it, it will be the landlords problem (an occasional occupational hazard). I think eventually they revert to the crown.

If you're named as an executor, you can renounce your role. This is a separate form submitted alongside the probate forms. You don't have to do anything else.

I am a only dc. And been nc with dm for 20 years. She is now 72.
Not my responsibility.. Ever.

The person that goes to the undertaker pays the bill

if nothing be does this then the council will have to organise funeral and no one attends as far as I know

so just don’t get involved if that’s what you want

The person that goes to the undertaker pays the bill. Not necessarily so, you can instruct them to send the bill to a solicitor dealing with the estate. I've done that twice.

It's fine.

I was NC with my father. He died (a very long, drawn out and painful death which I couldn't have wished on a better person).

I just didn't get involved.

I found out where his body was as some of the family had heard he'd died but didn't know for sure or where he was (he was at an undertaker's, I had to ring around lots!).

That was all though.

There's no obligation legal or otherwise for you to be involved.

If anyone (e.g. council) ask you to clear out the house (that's if they even have your contact details) then just politely say 'Sorry, we've been estranged for many years and I'm not willing to get involved' and repeat until they give up.

FYI .

If no-one takes responsibility for the funeral an undertaker gives them the modern equivalent of a pauper's send off.

No funeral - cheapest coffin sent directly to the crem. Cremated and ashes scattered at the crem's memorial garden.

I agree with a previous poster who said to turn off your phone or try to go away for a few days once you hear about the death. You have no moral or legal obligation to be involved in any of the planning or formalities.

Do her siblings see her regularly? Do they get on with her? Are they nice people?

what happens when I say I want no part in it?

Nothing.

Someone else sorts everything out.

Mother may have written a will and appointed an executor to handle and dispose of her estate. .

If she is destitute the council may arrange a basic burial,

if she isn;t then her bank will release the undertaker's bill from her account. The undertaker will want to know how he gets paid before he arranges any funeral.

If there is a landlord they will clear the house, etc.
If she has assets and no will, intestacy laws will divide the estate.

I can't stomach the thought of having to sift through all her belongings, paperwork etc.

Nobody has to sift through her home and belongings; there are businesses that clear houses .

I'm in your situation and there is not a chance I will be getting involved when the time comes, if I'm even aware of it. I went NC to protect myself and having no involvement post death is an extension of that.