Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be furious with my Mum and sister

40 replies

Definitelynotgoldenchild · 04/06/2022 18:43

Long time poster but nc as this is outing.

For background my sister is younger than me and is the most definitely the golden child. Before lockdown she suggested that instead of a Christmas present we take DM to Ireland to see where she grew up and went to school. I was unsure when I could fit this in as I had booked to go to a number of concerts with friends and a lot of my leave was being used up for them.

Then lockdown happened and the concerts were cancelled twice, they are finally taking place over the next few weeks. My sister had covid over Christmas so we never had our annual get together and never discussed the trip to Ireland. She is very controlling and I learned many years ago not to organise anything myself or she wouldn't come, so when she said we'd all get together in January, I just waited for her to invite us, which never happened.

My parents only ever went to Ireland for holidays and I took my children there a few times as well so in February I had the bright idea to organise a family holiday to Ireland for me and DH, DS1, DS2, DD, their partners and our grandson, they were all enthusiastic and keen to invite their grandmother who agreed to come with us. We were going nowhere near the place DSis and I were taking her. Next thing DM relayed the fact that DSis wanted us to change it to the jubilee weekend as she had no holiday available and wanted to come too. I wasn't keen on her coming, she has multiple holidays every year and this would be our only one, but I had concerts this weekend and could not change the holiday anyway.

A few weeks later DM let slip that Dsis had booked to take her to Ireland on the jubilee weekend and my aunt was worried that at 88 DM would not be able to manage both trips. I hid my anger and DM decided that she would still come with us. A few weeks ago DM's trip with DSis had to be cancelled as DSis was having an operation the week before. I suggested to DM that they could go later in the year or put it off until next year when I could go too, as originally planned.

Last week my Aunt had a party, DM was clearly in a mood with me about something despite me and DH undertaking 120 miles of round trips to pick her up and take her to the party and back home again. After I got home DD called to say that her boyfriend had asked DM if she was looking forward to the holiday and she told him she wouldn't be coming as DSis has rebooked her trip for a week before ours. Neither DM or DSis have told me about this and even if DM says she'll come with us I can't think that it is a good idea for her to take four flights in two weeks at 88 years of age.

I have been treated as second best since the day my sister as born and I am so angry I can't think straight. I booked our trip months ago and DSis booked hers about 10 days ago. DSis and I have practically no relationship due to behaviour like this, but I blame DM as well for enabling this. I can't have a go at an 88 year old but I feel like curtailing our weekly visits for a while. Am I wrong to feel hurt by this.

OP posts:

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 04/06/2022 18:47

Call her on it.... devious cow!

Mary46 · 04/06/2022 18:52

I think suit yourself going forward. 88 they quite awkward and all about them! We dont bring our mam away as sets in stone. She difficult. Yeh dont let your sister dictate.

Mally100 · 04/06/2022 18:53

I think the shocking part of your post is when you mentioned you have gc of your own. Op you are far too old to be letting this stuff still get to you. You are aware of the dysfunctional relationship, they are too old to change their ways or even acknowledge how unfairly they treat you. The only thing would be to go very low contact with them. So what if your mum is 88yo, she's old enough to know better.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 04/06/2022 18:54

Agree with the PP, call her on it. No need to have a go at her, just ask her to clarify what DD told you. Then tell her how hurtful it is for her to have done this. Then tell your sister that it's bang out of order too.

Lunificent · 04/06/2022 18:55

If your mum doesn’t want to go with you, you’ll enjoy it better without her. Just go and have fun with your children. See the positive. You’ll have more freedom to do whatever activities you all choose to do.
I wouldn’t curtail visits to her but neither would I be going out of my way to ferry her around. It sounds as if she’d moan about you even if you bent over backwards for her.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/06/2022 19:01

I have been treated as second best since the day my sister as born
Then it's high time to drop the rope.
Stop putting so much care, thought & effort into pandering to a woman who treats you badly.

and I am so angry I can't think straight. I booked our trip months ago and DSis booked hers about 10 days ago. DSis and I have practically no relationship due to behaviour like this, but I blame DM as well for enabling this.
& stop making any effort around your sister - let the relationship fade.

I can't have a go at an 88 year old but I feel like curtailing our weekly visits for a while.
Of course you can. "Mum I'm pissed off with you messing me around about the trip, & if you want running around places, you can ask your favourite child to help you."
You might find it cathartic OP. She treats you like dirt because you make so much effort to make her accept you. Just stop.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this.
No. It will hurt less, when you make less effort.
I know it's crap, but it doesn't matter how hard you try - you will never be made to feel "good enough" by either of these two, & you'll do better to put your energy into people who give a shit about you

Needanotherholidayasap · 04/06/2022 19:04

Imo when dm needs her arse wiped you can refer requests to The Golden One.

Noelsjumper · 04/06/2022 19:04

Call them both on it, you surely need to know as you might still be able to recoup some of the costs? You don't need to be confrontational but they should know you know, and that they should have told you first rather than a 3rd party. Would your DM just have left you standing waiting for her at the airport?

Personally I'd go low contact or NC with them both (depending how much of this shit you've had to put up with over the years). Your DM has enabled your sister to be the way she is, she's the one who's chosen the favourite so I'd be more angry with her than your sis to be honest.

Jalepenojello · 04/06/2022 19:06

They’re as bad as each other OP. I really feel for you.

MichelleScarn · 04/06/2022 19:08

Last week my Aunt had a party, DM was clearly in a mood with me about something despite me and DH undertaking 120 miles of round trips to pick her up and take her to the party and back home again.
Why was this on you?

BattenburgDonkey · 04/06/2022 19:10

What has your mum said about this?

ZekeZeke · 04/06/2022 19:11

Could your mum be suffering with Dementia?

diddl · 04/06/2022 19:21

Is there any need to "call" anyone on anything?

Your mum will either make the holiday with you or not-entirely her decision.

After that-if you want to visit less-do so!

justfiveminutes · 04/06/2022 19:22

But your dsis had the original idea to take your mum back to Ireland and then, once restrictions were lifted, you booked a trip to Ireland and invited your mum (but not your sister).

Your sister asked if you could change the weekend so she could come too, but you couldn't, so she booked her own trip with her mum.

Then she had to reschedule it for medical reasons, and it ended up too close to your holiday, so your mum has decided to go with your sister.

I can see all sides. I can definitely see that your sister might have been hurt that a trip to Ireland was her idea but you booked it and didn't invite her. I can see how your mum feels obligated to go with the first person who suggested a trip, and the person going back to the area she grew up in. Will your sister be alone whilst you are with your family? Because that might be a factor too.

But really I think you were unkind to invite your mum on a trip you knew your sister had already suggested.

VerifiedBot2351 · 04/06/2022 19:23

I’ve got a similar situation, where my brother is golden child. I’ve cut contact with him, and when my parent have issues, I openly tell them to ask him. Any help that I ever offered wasn’t good enough, and was always trumped by something bigger from him.
I feel much better for the lack of contact with him, and less contact with the parents.

diddl · 04/06/2022 19:25

Sorry, just re read the post & see that your mum has decided not to come with you but not told you yet.

Well at least you are now prepared for her to cancel.

custardbear · 04/06/2022 19:28

This would happen with my MIL and her other son, my BIL, nothing will change her. We plan stuff, BIL sticks his beak in and everything either changes so it suits him, or my family get brushed off for his needs - 'oh sorry we we're going g to come to yours for the weekend but other son needs us to walk his dog because he wants to do something selfish so we're cancelling you' ... had 26 years of this shite

diddl · 04/06/2022 19:28

But really I think you were unkind to invite your mum on a trip you knew your sister had already suggested

I think that that is a good point.

Sadly you tried to out manoeuvre your sister & it didn't work.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/06/2022 19:29

Can we have a TLDR?

DucklingDaisy · 04/06/2022 19:34

Yeah, you told your sister you couldn’t come on here Ireland trip with your mum, and then booked your own and didn’t invite her. That’s a bit off and I can see why your mum feels obliged to go with your sister.

Joolsin · 04/06/2022 19:38

My MiL was caught in an endless version of this with her mother and sister. MiL spent her life worrying about Granny, looking after her at events, panicking when Granny refused to go, and continually doing the "pick-me" dance. When Granny refused to come to my children's baptisms and other family occasions, for spurious reasons, and expected to be begged to go, DH and I said "oh well, what a shame you can't make it" and moved on. We didn't miss her there. MiL was shocked by our casual response, she would have bent over backwards to get Granny to come, and then had a crap time herself having to mind Granny.

So, OP, if I were you, I would say to your Mum, "oh what a shame you can't come to Ireland" and go with your DC and DGC and have a brilliant time. Your sis will have to look after her on their trip and that will please neither. Stuff them!!!!

girlmom21 · 04/06/2022 19:45

Maybe your moms just annoyed at being piggy in the middle? Surely it's up to her to decide whether she can manage two lots of flights?

whumpthereitis · 04/06/2022 19:51

In think you played yourself on this one tbh. Your sister had the original idea that fell through because of COVID. Instead of talking to her to find out what she intended to do in regards to rearrangements, you booked your own one knowing that your sister wouldn’t come. You wanted it to be your trip with your mother that your sister was excluded from, even though it was her idea in the first place and she’d done the legwork when it came to planning the prior trips.

Now your sister actually has rearranged the trip, your mother has decided to go with the original plan.

You engineered this situation and you’re upset because the outcome wasn’t in your favour.

Merryoldgoat · 04/06/2022 19:52

Why does she get a pass because she’s 88?

tell her you know, and that you are done with all the nonsense and you’ll no longer be her factotum.

Murdoch1949 · 04/06/2022 19:54

Mean girls, albeit 88 yr old & 60+ yr old! Let them get on with it. You've tried to do something nice for your mum, she's snubbed you and wants to go with golden child, let her. You've been a good daughter while being treated badly, let sister & mum get on with it now. They have both used you when it suited them, now is the time to withdraw your largesse and let your sister pick up the slack. Don't feel guilty. You've got your own family to lavish your time & love on.

Flip

1 2