Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be furious with my Mum and sister

40 replies

Definitelynotgoldenchild · 04/06/2022 18:43

Long time poster but nc as this is outing.

For background my sister is younger than me and is the most definitely the golden child. Before lockdown she suggested that instead of a Christmas present we take DM to Ireland to see where she grew up and went to school. I was unsure when I could fit this in as I had booked to go to a number of concerts with friends and a lot of my leave was being used up for them.

Then lockdown happened and the concerts were cancelled twice, they are finally taking place over the next few weeks. My sister had covid over Christmas so we never had our annual get together and never discussed the trip to Ireland. She is very controlling and I learned many years ago not to organise anything myself or she wouldn't come, so when she said we'd all get together in January, I just waited for her to invite us, which never happened.

My parents only ever went to Ireland for holidays and I took my children there a few times as well so in February I had the bright idea to organise a family holiday to Ireland for me and DH, DS1, DS2, DD, their partners and our grandson, they were all enthusiastic and keen to invite their grandmother who agreed to come with us. We were going nowhere near the place DSis and I were taking her. Next thing DM relayed the fact that DSis wanted us to change it to the jubilee weekend as she had no holiday available and wanted to come too. I wasn't keen on her coming, she has multiple holidays every year and this would be our only one, but I had concerts this weekend and could not change the holiday anyway.

A few weeks later DM let slip that Dsis had booked to take her to Ireland on the jubilee weekend and my aunt was worried that at 88 DM would not be able to manage both trips. I hid my anger and DM decided that she would still come with us. A few weeks ago DM's trip with DSis had to be cancelled as DSis was having an operation the week before. I suggested to DM that they could go later in the year or put it off until next year when I could go too, as originally planned.

Last week my Aunt had a party, DM was clearly in a mood with me about something despite me and DH undertaking 120 miles of round trips to pick her up and take her to the party and back home again. After I got home DD called to say that her boyfriend had asked DM if she was looking forward to the holiday and she told him she wouldn't be coming as DSis has rebooked her trip for a week before ours. Neither DM or DSis have told me about this and even if DM says she'll come with us I can't think that it is a good idea for her to take four flights in two weeks at 88 years of age.

I have been treated as second best since the day my sister as born and I am so angry I can't think straight. I booked our trip months ago and DSis booked hers about 10 days ago. DSis and I have practically no relationship due to behaviour like this, but I blame DM as well for enabling this. I can't have a go at an 88 year old but I feel like curtailing our weekly visits for a while. Am I wrong to feel hurt by this.

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 04/06/2022 19:58

justfiveminutes · 04/06/2022 19:22

But your dsis had the original idea to take your mum back to Ireland and then, once restrictions were lifted, you booked a trip to Ireland and invited your mum (but not your sister).

Your sister asked if you could change the weekend so she could come too, but you couldn't, so she booked her own trip with her mum.

Then she had to reschedule it for medical reasons, and it ended up too close to your holiday, so your mum has decided to go with your sister.

I can see all sides. I can definitely see that your sister might have been hurt that a trip to Ireland was her idea but you booked it and didn't invite her. I can see how your mum feels obligated to go with the first person who suggested a trip, and the person going back to the area she grew up in. Will your sister be alone whilst you are with your family? Because that might be a factor too.

But really I think you were unkind to invite your mum on a trip you knew your sister had already suggested.

I completely agree, and was so surprised to see that the first few posters seemed to think OP was in the right. I know that there's a lifetime of backstory here and for you that might change things, OP, but on the face of it and on this occasion you were the one who fired the first shot.

DowntonCrabby · 04/06/2022 20:05

Your sister’s a dick, established, you know that and she won’t change so you’ve obviously found ways of dealing with it in the extended family.

Your Mum needs to be told, very firmly you won’t stand for this behaviour. Her “mood” with you is clearly a projection. I bet she’s scared of your sister and doesn’t want to rock the boat with her. It’s not about picking sides, it’s about not allowing herself to be bullied, but at 88, is she likely to change much either?

The only person who’s actions and feelings you can control in this is your own. I’d phone her, tell her that you would have appreciated her to have told you herself that she wouldn’t be coming as, once again, she is deferring to sis and wait until you hear an apology/ explanation before you speak any more. If no apology is forthcoming on the call I’d be re-evaluating the weekly visits if they feel like more of an obligation than a pleasant weekend activity.

chunkymandarincoulis · 04/06/2022 20:18

I can't have a go at an 88 year old

You can, you know.

Original poster

Definitelynotgoldenchild · 04/06/2022 20:48

Thanks everyone for your comments. Those who think I'm in the wrong, you may be right and I have considered that. But this trip to was first and foremost for my family and we were not going to DM's home. This was never supposed to be instead of that trip it was as well as it. The plan was that we would take her to her home and just stay there for a weekend, not driving around to other places. We were going to visit her family home, her school, the place where our grandparents began their married life. We spent every summer in my father's hometown and never visited my mother's birthplace which is very remote. The weekend was going to be all about her. My family holiday was just that a holiday for us all to spend time together.

OP posts:

IDreamOfTheMoors · 04/06/2022 21:21

I agree with @KettrickenSmiled.

OP, there’s absolutely no reason you can’t call your mum on the carpet.
The older my mum got the more cruel and careless she became.
I finally lost it and gave her a good talking to when she was about 90, about how selfish and self-centered she was and how nasty she was to me and her other children and grandchildren.
I don’t think until then she had considered how cruel she had truly become.

You can surely talk to your mum and point out her failings and selfishness and negativity without being those things in return. And don’t be afraid to tell her how hurt you are.

Minimalme · 04/06/2022 22:38

Just accept that you and your ds don't like each other, you Mum has relentlessly favoured your sister and that your Mum isn't a hugely nice person.

Then be really, really happy that you don't have to holiday with them.

You are missing the gift they are giving you op.

justfiveminutes · 05/06/2022 05:21

Definitelynotgoldenchild · 04/06/2022 20:48

Did you explain that to your sister? Because she may have felt that you were taking your mum on the trip to her home, the trip she herself suggested and planned for you all pre-covid.

I would have been hurt in her position I think - to not be invited, even after asking for the weekend to change so that I could come.

You say you always intended to plan another trip with your mum and sister, but did she know that? Was she worried you'd do the reminiscing and visiting with her mum and that she wouldn't need another trip, or be unable to go again?

I disagree with pp saying your mum and sister are cruel. I think it's much more nuanced than that. Your sister invited you on her trip, but you excluded her from yours. Don't be angry. Talk to each other and make it right. I don't think your mum deserves to be in the middle of it all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/06/2022 06:14

I think talking to your sister would be a good plan. You could tell her that the trip with your family has nothing to do with the planned trip with your mum. Perhaps explain you’re sorry if that is what she thought and ask her if she would consider rescheduling for when the 3 of you can go.

SquishyGloopyBum · 05/06/2022 07:40

Don't say a thing. Act as though she's still coming along and wait for her to tell you herself. Make her do it to your face. Then call her out on it.

You hearing it from another gets here off the hook in a way. If she says she told your DD then just say you assumed she'd got it wrong as of course she wouldn't cancel on you for it.

If she cancels I'd make her pay for her place too.

Aprilx · 05/06/2022 07:55

I am glad somebody else said it, because I was thinking it was pretty underhanded of you to book the family holiday to Ireland which had been your sisters idea but then not invite her. You could have booked anywhere, but no you had to pick Ireland. And then refuse to move it to a time you could both make.

Your mum does seem to have made a choice, yes. But you are not the innocent party here either. To be honest though, I think you should step away and leave them to it and enjoy your holiday with your family.

FabFitFifties · 05/06/2022 08:02

justfiveminutes · 04/06/2022 19:22

But your dsis had the original idea to take your mum back to Ireland and then, once restrictions were lifted, you booked a trip to Ireland and invited your mum (but not your sister).

Your sister asked if you could change the weekend so she could come too, but you couldn't, so she booked her own trip with her mum.

Then she had to reschedule it for medical reasons, and it ended up too close to your holiday, so your mum has decided to go with your sister.

But really I think you were unkind to invite your mum on a trip you knew your sister had already suggested.

This was my first thought too. I know you booked to go somewhere different in Ireland, but I can very much see how your sister would be hurt. Also, don't expect an 88 year old to be grateful. In my experience, people become more and more self centered and stop observing social norms. It can't be a deliberate choice for them all - I think its linked to cognitive decline.

NoSquirrels · 05/06/2022 08:10

How devastated will the rest of the family truly be that 88-year-old GM isn’t coming on your family holiday? Honestly? I suspect not greatly, because whilst spending time in 88-year-old’s company is lovely, there’s a huge hassle factor too and (presumably) a lot of things or activities she wouldn’t have been included in.

It’s enraging of your sister to treat your plans with such disrespect, and your mum is complicit, but try to detach.

You will have a great holiday. Your sister will do the nostalgia trip alone.

user1471538283 · 05/06/2022 08:29

Sod them. I would withdraw. And when your DM needs care or running around after your DS can get on with it.

girlmom21 · 05/06/2022 08:43

user1471538283 · 05/06/2022 08:29

Sod them. I would withdraw. And when your DM needs care or running around after your DS can get on with it.

OPs mom doesn't want to go on holiday with her so OP shouldn't worry about her in her old age? Extreme reaction

Idontevenknow · 05/06/2022 09:22

To be honest I felt a bit for your sister at the start, she suggested the trip and then you booked one without her. I know is slightly different but its the same country and the 2 trips could have been merged into one. The bit I see as wrong is her rescheduling knowing that it clashed with yours and your mum would have to choose. However I think your mum is the one who should know better. She should be able to say to your sister that she's already got plans, she really wants to go to both, and it'll have to be rescheduled till later in the year.

But really this is all irrelevant until you actually phone your mother and clarify exactly what is happening

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread