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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Clicky Mums

29 replies

Batmansgirl · 04/06/2022 11:39

Sorry boring subject but I need some advice. We live in a small village and DD is 10 and has a group of friends that she has known since preschool. Over the past 2 years or so it’s become apparent that a group of parents regularly get together and socialise at each other’s houses bringing the kids with them. We’ve been invited to the odd gathering but only a couple. It’s really beginning to affect DD as she’s now at the age where she knows she’s missing out on seeing her friends out of school. It’s complicated as we’re currently renovating our house and staying with MIL so having gatherings and play dates at hers or on a building site isn’t really feasible. We had a party in the autumn where we invited the whole year which was well received.
A lot of the mums have a separate WhatsApp group to the main chat and meet regularly to go to the pub, weekends away etc and I’ve never seen an invite. I don’t really know what I’ve done to be excluded and when I see them out at school etc I don’t really want to engage with them as clearly there is a thought process behind not including me and I wonder what they’re saying about me. I’m not the only mum who doesn’t get involved but DD is the only one from her group of friends who misses out.
I’m trying really hard to be grown up and pretend it doesn’t hurt but it does.

OP posts:

ermagerdabear · 04/06/2022 11:42

You've probably done nothing to be excluded but (and I mean this nicely) the adults don't have to include you on the

ermagerdabear · 04/06/2022 11:42

Sorry posted too soon. They don't have to include you on their get together just because your kids are friends.

TreeP0se · 04/06/2022 11:43

Very soon, the teens will be meeting who they choose to meet.

Detach from caring, if you can. sounds trite but focus on yrslf, if there is another outsider, connect with them and give up on the group.

statetrooperstacey · 04/06/2022 11:45

I’m sorry your upset but it’s not them being cliquey is it? Not really. They’re just friends!! Nobody is excluding you, they’re just not your friends🤷‍♀️ I don’t invite random acquaintances to the pub just because we vaguely know each other either. Just explain to your dd that the parents are friends so those children will naturally see more of each other.

thecatsthecats · 04/06/2022 11:48

statetrooperstacey · 04/06/2022 11:45

This is what 99% of schoolgate "clique" dramas boil down to.

Howshouldibehave · 04/06/2022 11:48

They are probably just a group that get on really well and have clicked over similar interests/sense of humour etc, that doesn’t make them cliquey. If you don’t engage with them at all when you see them, that’s rather counter-productive. If you want to have some more friends, I would start chatting to people.

SheWoreYellow · 04/06/2022 11:49

If you want your child to socialise, you need to arrange that. If you can’t have anyone over, then ask a friend to come out with you to a park or whatever.
This isn’t a clique leaving you out, it’s just a group of friends. The children maybe don’t even all like each other but have to hang out when the parents are.

So it’s two separate things.

1 Make some arrangements for your DD. Would your MIL not be ok with a friend over?

2 Make your own friends and then arrange to see them, with children if you want.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/06/2022 11:51

It's "cliquey".

Also, people being better friends with each other than they are with you is not an insult or an injury.

10yos don't need parents along on playdates and parties so just arrange for your DD to see the children she likes and soon they'll be in secondary and making their own arrangements anyway.

HunsNetterVom · 04/06/2022 11:51

I'd feel sad too but you last invited them in the autumn? That was ages ago. Just invite them round. We've done masses of work on our house and still had people round
No one cared about the mess/rubble
Get that ball rolling

NerrSnerr · 04/06/2022 11:52

They're friends. I have a small group of friends in my village. Children go to the same school and they're friends too. We all meet up together and us mums will go to the pub. We don't extend the invite to all the parents in the class/ year/ school because why would we?

If you want to be friends with these mums then start inviting them to the pub, if it's just for your daughter start inviting the kids to the park etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 11:52

"I’m sorry your upset but it’s not them being cliquey is it? Not really. They’re just friends!! Nobody is excluding you, they’re just not your friends🤷‍♀️ I don’t invite random acquaintances to the pub just because we vaguely know each other either."

Neither do I, but if I was going for an after work drink with some colleagues I like, I would also invite other colleagues who work closely with them/me and I wouldn't talk about it in front of people not invited so it does depend on the situation.

motogirl · 04/06/2022 11:54

They are friends who get together, it just a coincidence that your dd is friendly with their kids. They are not excluding you, you simply are part of their away from school friendship group. I didn't invite random people to the pub or weekends away either, only my friends. It's unfortunate that your dd is the only one whose not the offspring of this group of adult friends in her friendship group but it's not your responsibility to solve it, they are almost teens and dynamic la change then

Howshouldibehave · 04/06/2022 11:55

A lot of the mums have a separate WhatsApp group to the main chat and meet regularly to go to the pub, weekends away etc and I’ve never seen an invite

How many ‘invites’ have you given to any of them for nights at the pub or weekends away?!

It doesn’t sound like you really talk to any of them so they aren’t your friends-why would you expect to be invited on weekends away with them?! It’s not a case of person 1 making plans and inviting everyone they have met at school. Things like that evolve naturally through conversation with friends-plans are made.

playtest12 · 04/06/2022 11:55

Is this just a small group of mum friends?

Or is it the whole class/year with only a few people being left out?

LaBellina · 04/06/2022 11:57

I’m friends with a few other mums of my son’s playgroup, but not with every one of them and I don’t feel the need to involve everyone because as an adult, I choose friends based on who I like, not on how well DS gets along with their kids. I guess the same applies to your situation. It hasn’t necessarily something to do with being ‘clicky’. If you want to be included, my advice would be to form individual friendships with some of the mums and hopefully they’ll include you in the group.

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 04/06/2022 12:02

It’s cliquey- but you can’t change their behaviour so don’t try.
encourage dd to make other friends at school - these friends may not last the course and dd is at high risk of being excluded too.

ds had a similar situation in primary - mums were quite inclusive but all friends together- I couldn’t get involved in a lot of stuff as I was working when it was on. Eventually the friendship group became very toxic and cliquey for the dc. Come secondary school he has made other friends and no longer sees the old friends. His friendships are much much healthier as a result.

Howshouldibehave · 04/06/2022 12:10

Whats the difference between being cliquey and friends?!

How long are you living with your mother in law-will she really object to you inviting one of your DD’s friends back for a play date?!

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/06/2022 12:18

I find these threads so bizarre.

So many people seem to assume that their children’s social lives are basically a ticket to their own social lives. Particularly these endless complaints about “school gate mums”.

It doesn’t work like that. Adults can form friendships with whomever they like. There is no obligation to include you purely because your kids are friends.

I can understand that sometimes this can make people feel excluded but that is tough. It’s their right.

Work at developing your own friendships and connections and stop expecting a social life on a plate. You will quite likely find that the more you detach from these people the more they feel inclined to include you anyway.

VariationsonaTheme · 04/06/2022 12:20

It was similar in my dc’s classes at a village primary school but it was mainly because lots of the parents knew each other from their schooldays. We had been new to the village and so obviously didn’t have those connections. However there were also lots of other children/families like us and we gravitated towards those rather than trying to join an established group.

SueSaid · 04/06/2022 12:25

She's 10 so could meet friends in the park by herself or if friends can't come to your house due to building works take them to the cinema or shopping for a trip out.
Does seem a shame if the other kids are socialising together as their parents are but as I say just invite the other kids trips out so she still sees them out of school.

2bazookas · 04/06/2022 12:27

You're being ridiculous.

Wherever we live there are groups of people who socialise together, often with their kids. It's called "being friends".

Friends are under no obligation to invite anyone else.

If you want friends for you and DC you need to make the effort. Invite people you like to meet up in the park for a picnic while the kids play. Or to a beer garden while the kids play. Or the library for story time with cake. Join a family activity or ecology group exploring wildlife or local history. Take up family tennis or hiking or crazy golf.

2bazookas · 04/06/2022 12:30

I’m trying really hard to be grown up

What about the other uninvited Mums and kids? Invite them to any activity that's not in your parents house.

Lanareyrey · 04/06/2022 12:43

I know how you feel OP, but try not to let it bother you. Your daughter will soon be meeting a new bunch of friends and arranging her own stuff. Be glad you’re not part of the group, because in my experience there is always lots of drama!

Stroopwaffels · 04/06/2022 12:47

Agree with everyone else. They are just a group of friends who like each other's company. They want to go to the pub just the 4/5/6 of them, or have a small gathering with them and their kids without having to invite 25 people and then put up with all the shit around arranging something to deal with 25 people's timetables and dietary restrictions.

People are FAR too quick to label groups of women as "cliques" without any basis for that assertion.

Furrbabymama87 · 04/06/2022 12:56

They're friends who have stuff in common beyond their kids. What goes on in people's own time isn't anything to do with the school or other school parents.

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