AIBU - disagreement with ex husband over leaving child alone

[Adviceplease2022]

Hi all

AIBU?

My ex-husband and I had a very amicable divorce (did it ourselves) and have been managing co-parenting without any major issues for the past 4 years. We have no formal agreement in place and share 50:50 custody which has worked well.

He recently took our 7 year old daughter abroad on a holiday. I found out inadvertently that he left our daughter alone in the hotel room whilst he went to the outdoor bar to drink alcohol in the afternoon. Firstly, this is actually illegal in the country they visited as children aged 7 cannot be left unsupervised. Secondly, my daughter is a bit of a wimp and scares very easily. Apparently she said she was happy to stay in the room as didn’t want to go to the bar and wanted to play on her iPad. So she stayed and he went. Yet she then got spooked and left the room to go and find him. She has a phone so messaged him to tell him that was what she was doing. However, she had to walk some distance and navigate 6 floors in the lift of a 150 + room 8 story hotel.

I’m furious but calmly asked him for his side of the story before I reacted. He admitted leaving her. Said I was overreacting and he was 100% sure what he did was ok and that he was refusing to discuss it further with me. Personally I can’t understand why you’d rather sit alone and drink a beer than spend time with your daughter on holiday but that’s another issue…..

He told me he left her for 10-15 minutes but I can see from my daughters phone that it was at least 50 minutes, highly likely longer.

He has another holiday in a foreign resort booked with her in a few months and I am very concerned that he will leave her again. For context, he was quite often left alone as a young child (to the point social services were involved) and drinks heavily (albeit has a very high paying successful job so I’d describe him as a functioning alcoholic with an alcohol dependency albeit he doesn’t drink every day).

Im very worried about her safety on their next holiday and can’t guarantee that he won’t leave her alone again because fundamentally he thinks it’s fine to leave her alone. He said he would parent her “his way” and I could parent her mine.

He’s a very arrogant man and always refuses to accept that he’s ever wrong so he’s impossible to discuss things like this with. We divorced because he was a compulsive liar, functioning alcoholic and had an affair. My post divorce counsellor believes he is a narcissist who gaslighted me massively. He does still try to gaslight me but I see it now and it doesn’t work.

But I am keen to know if I’m being unreasonable here?

I'd be blocking the holiday and take it to court if necessary. Have you got text evidence, or could you get recorded/text evidence?

I have anxiety just from reading your post op. I would definitely be taking this further.

Thank you both. I was kind of hoping someone would tell me I was overreacting because I feel sick thinking about it.

I have all the evidence I need. I have taken photos of the messages on my daughters phone proving she was alone and the timescales. I also sent him texts asking if he left her alone and he replied saying yes and that he isn’t prepared to discuss it with me but that he is 100% certain he is right and I can take it to court if I want because he’s so confident it’s fine what he did.

I don’t want to take it to court. I just want to know my daughter is safe and for him to be reasonable!

Financially I can easily afford to take him to court. I have a very good job and very low spending habits so I save a really decent amount each month that I’d happily redirect to a solicitor to make sure my daughter is safe.

My boyfriend and parents don’t think that I should take him to court though. They think we have a good amicable coparenting arrangement that I shouldn’t jeopardise. They do all agree he’s bang out of order though for doing it but think I should just trust he won’t do it again (which I don’t).

God, that's batshit! I guess you have to ask yourself if maintaining this "amicable" coparenting relationship (albeit one where he effectively does what he likes and refusing to engage if you're unhappy about something) is worth the very obvious risk to your daughter's safety.

Notwithstanding the risks of being left alone in the hotel room and then while navigating a large hotel, I know someone who has terrible panic attacks, has claustrophobia and needs counselling as an adult all stemming from being left in a hotel room alone when she was younger and finding herself locked in.

They think we have a good amicable coparenting arrangement that I shouldn’t jeopardise.

You don’t have a good amicable coparenting arrangement when your arrangement is that he does whatever he wants regardless fo safety (or legality) and tells you it’s none of your business.

No way! That is plainly wrong.
I do not disagree with leaving her for 50 min or so at that age, if she is happy and they can communicate by phone, though in a foreign country I would not do it.
But letting her come to him instead of going to pick her up! In such a huge place. No way! She could have got lost!

If he's the person you describe how did you manage to do the divorce yourselves? I would be concerned that you didn't have a solicitor to represent you against this kind of man.

My DF did similar to me in the early 80’s when I was also 7 years old. Arrived off a long haul flight to London, went to the hotel and he said we needed a nap to help with the jet lag. I fell asleep and then woke up some time later to find him gone. I was petrified, I had no idea where he had gone - turns out he went to the pub. Probably as soon as I was asleep so goodness knows how many hours I was actually left for. I’m now 48 and I still remember how scared I was; maybe kids today are more streetwise and aren’t as bothered if they’ve got screens to occupy themselves with.

Can you possibly persuade him to go to mediation? Or remind him of the McCann case and that older children can be taken advantage of too. I’d be furious with this situation, having also been through it as the child.

7 is way too young. And her wandering through the hotel at that age, for that distance, is definitely not okay.

How is your daughter? Was it a terrible experience for her? If it was, I would not risk it happening again and block the next holiday by court order if need be.

We never left the DC alone in a hotel when they were that young. It’s illegal for good reason!

Thank you! This is so frigging true. There’s nothing to jeopardise is there in reality

This is a fair question. It was possible because we both wanted out of the marriage and agreed on everything 50:50. I dread to think what would have happened if I had proposed something he disagreed with. It would have got very nasty.

Imagine that you cave in and something happens to your daughter OP. I'm not trying to scare you but you can't let him do this. It's the moment you have to find the strength to stand up to him. You say you can afford to take him to court - I'd be onto a solicitor pronto. He's behaving like an arrogant bully and your child is as much a victim of this as you are. Good luck!

She’s relatively nonplussed. She said she got scared but was proud of herself. Mostly cos he made a big deal of how proud he was of her.

Problem is, she’s a naïve 7 year old and doesn’t know half of the things that could have happened.

She should be proud. And it’s good/a relief that she’s basically come through it unscathed. But agree, should not risk it happening again because it could have had a much worse impact on her. Don’t let him use the “she’s ok, so you’re being paranoid” argument against you.

Two problems here. One is leaving a seven year old alone in a hotel room in a foreign country for all the reasons already mentioned, and two presumably returning intoxicated, judgement impaired, even if he thinks it isn't. You poor girl was obviously distressed about it but also what if something happened, if she was unwell, hurt herself, there was a fire etc. it doesn't bear thinking about.

YANBU.
Not only the lifts , all the floors, etc, you just don't know who is in that hotel or hanging around there
I would not allow this

That’s how the tragedy with Madeleine McCain happened…..remind your ex of that…
YANBU, you are a good mom.

Me too, felt sick reading it. I would be doing everything you can to stop him taking her abroad again for a very long time.

I’d be furious, anything could have happened to her.
I’d tell him if he does it again you’ll take him to court. And tell your daughter she must tell you (he will probably encourage her to lie)

What on earth has a high paying job got to do with being a “functioning” alcoholic in charge of a child? Has he never heard of Madeleine McCann???

Functioning alcoholics do not function normally — they function in a way that suits them, their drinking and don’t give a flying fuck about anyone or anything else. His arrogance is part of his alcoholism.
Leaving your previous daughter with this man is madness—- letting him leave her alone to wan around a foreign hotel where she could have been snatched in seconds is utterly beyond madness. I’ve lived with an alcoholic, I’ve seen the risks they take so they can drink and I wouldn’t involve my dog in that, never mind a child.

I’m rather laid back compared to many in here but this would bother me hugely!

Why do they think you should trust he won't do it again? He's already as good as told you he will. I agree with PP you don't have an amicable co-parenting arrangement, it's only amicable if you don't ever question him and let him do exactly what he wants. I suspect your divorce and financial settlement were amicable for the same reason, he was getting what he wanted. If you tried to push for anything he wasn't already happy with, the gloves would come off

@Maytodecember fair comments. I’ve perhaps not been accurate in describing him as a functioning alcoholic based on your experience. He doesn’t drink everyday (he doesn’t drink during the week) and he does drink less at the weekends when he has our daughter.

The point I was trying to make about his job is that the alcohol consumption hasn’t had any impact on his day to day life and ability to function in a working environment. It means I will probably struggle to convince a court that he has alcohol issues as they are not evident to outsiders and he has high profile job with a lot of people who would stand as character witnesses likely saying I’m making it up (I’m not). I have no evidence or proof.

I do however feel he has a very unhealthy and addictive relationship with alcohol which is why I describe him as a functioning alcoholic. I’m not the only person to have described in this way though. Members of his own family have too.

Get some legal advice. You can take steps via court order to block the travel abroad. You’re definitely not being unreasonable.