AIBU - disagreement with ex husband over leaving child alone

[Adviceplease2022]

Hi all

AIBU?

My ex-husband and I had a very amicable divorce (did it ourselves) and have been managing co-parenting without any major issues for the past 4 years. We have no formal agreement in place and share 50:50 custody which has worked well.

He recently took our 7 year old daughter abroad on a holiday. I found out inadvertently that he left our daughter alone in the hotel room whilst he went to the outdoor bar to drink alcohol in the afternoon. Firstly, this is actually illegal in the country they visited as children aged 7 cannot be left unsupervised. Secondly, my daughter is a bit of a wimp and scares very easily. Apparently she said she was happy to stay in the room as didn’t want to go to the bar and wanted to play on her iPad. So she stayed and he went. Yet she then got spooked and left the room to go and find him. She has a phone so messaged him to tell him that was what she was doing. However, she had to walk some distance and navigate 6 floors in the lift of a 150 + room 8 story hotel.

I’m furious but calmly asked him for his side of the story before I reacted. He admitted leaving her. Said I was overreacting and he was 100% sure what he did was ok and that he was refusing to discuss it further with me. Personally I can’t understand why you’d rather sit alone and drink a beer than spend time with your daughter on holiday but that’s another issue…..

He told me he left her for 10-15 minutes but I can see from my daughters phone that it was at least 50 minutes, highly likely longer.

He has another holiday in a foreign resort booked with her in a few months and I am very concerned that he will leave her again. For context, he was quite often left alone as a young child (to the point social services were involved) and drinks heavily (albeit has a very high paying successful job so I’d describe him as a functioning alcoholic with an alcohol dependency albeit he doesn’t drink every day).

Im very worried about her safety on their next holiday and can’t guarantee that he won’t leave her alone again because fundamentally he thinks it’s fine to leave her alone. He said he would parent her “his way” and I could parent her mine.

He’s a very arrogant man and always refuses to accept that he’s ever wrong so he’s impossible to discuss things like this with. We divorced because he was a compulsive liar, functioning alcoholic and had an affair. My post divorce counsellor believes he is a narcissist who gaslighted me massively. He does still try to gaslight me but I see it now and it doesn’t work.

But I am keen to know if I’m being unreasonable here?

Ask social services what they think about your 'amicable' co-parenting with a narcissistic alcoholic who neglects and gaslights your daughter?

The problem I’ve got is that he’s very charming and credible to third parties. No one will believe half the things I could tell them because he ends up making me look crazy/unreasonable and his job adds to his credibility. His gaslighting used to get me so wound up and emotional that I looked neurotic and insane and he then swoops in all calm and rational….

A 7year old girl wandering through a hotel is vulnerable to any pervert, kidnapper or would be murderer in that hotel. There's a reason it made your blood run cold and his inability to take that threat seriously is screaming incapable parent.

No matter how calm and charming he is, reasonable adults can immediately see why a 7 year old alone in a hotel is a terrible idea.

Would you block him taking her away? I don’t think that’s safe, her being left in a hotel. You don’t look neurotic, you look normal, not wanting your 7 year old to be left alone abroad.

You need to star collecting evidence. Can you communicate via email and get him to write any of this stuff down ?

It's hard getting people to see his true colours but it's possible. This is a big welfare issue for the child in question

You say you you don't want to take it to court, I think you have no choice if you want to sort it.

Start with legal advice. The ones I've spoke to will do a fixed fee consultation and write up before you commit with them via letter of engagement.

I wouldn't allow a 10yr old to be left alone in these circumstances abroad etc. a 7 year old- totally unacceptable

Also call womens aid ( now called refuge www.refuge.org.uk )

They can help you even though you are divorced from him.

Or find your local domestic abuse outreach service. They will get this behaviour and can help advise you on best course of action

Ask yourself how you'd feel if you do nothing and there is a worse incident next time.

You have a duty of care here because you know he left her alone for an extended period of time. You are the parent here, not your boyfriend etc.

Contact a solicitor and find out what action you can take, ASAP, before the next trip!

That is scary and frightening! She could have stumbled into a very bad situation. I would actually get legal advise, screw the amicable arrangement. He isn't behaving responsibly and putting your dd in grave danger.

I mean, if you were a parent of one of my students and you told me this, I'd be reporting it to the child protection lead.

I think you can say you don't give permission for him to take her out of the country. He would then have to take you to court to get permission.

He prioritised alcohol over your daughter. Not acceptable.

It's pure chance she didn't bump into some sicko while wandering a hotel alone. Anything could have happened to her. You don't let a young child wonder about in a foreign country/a strange place/a place with lots of strangers/a hotel.

You need legal advice

Get legal advice as this is absolutely not acceptable. Maybe try the NSPCC for advice too?

If all else fails legally then I think I would drill into my DC that they must not leave the hotel room under any circumstances except an emergency such as a fire. Don’t answer the door to anyone. Very shitty that he would put your DD in this position, but I do wonder if the law won’t be a bit meh about it through lack of evidence that he will do this again and it happening in a foreign country.

There will be no law as such for this. Social service (childrens services) will tell you to keep her safe from him (withhold contact) and then refuse to get involved.
You will then be on the hook if something happens to her.

Disappointing but it's the reality with so much pressure on the services.

You then need to apply for a child arrangements court order and submit a C1A form with allegations of harm. You can list this incident, others incidents of her being left whilst he's drinking and any abuse to you too.

Let the courts handle it. With men like this there is no other way to do it. Don't waste your time and effort

He has invited you to take him to Court so do it. What he is saying is he doesn't believe its wrong to leave a young child alone in a hotel room and he wants you to prove it via independent means. I think you will be looking at a prohibited steps order but I'm not a legal expert so you need proper advice. Are you comfortable with his parenting in the UK ? I mean do you think he takes similar risks during his 50% care ?

You've got to protect your daughter, as your husband has a laissez faire attitude towards a young girl. She is not 12, when being left in a hotel room may possibly be ok, she is still a child. Anything could happen, the room could be burgled, there could be a fire etc, meanwhile he's 5 floors below. It is difficult as he could say that he won't leave her alone and then do so, pressuring his daughter to keep the secret. He has acted without care for your daughter's safety and it's doubtful that this will stop. You need to decide how to prevent his cavalier actions.

What would he do if there was a fire? I have so many stories of strangers getting into hotel rooms. I always take a door wedge and tell my dd to do the same.

Thank you everyone. I absolutely know all the bad things that could have happened. I’ve felt sick and unsettled since I found out.

I guess I just needed some validation that I’m not overreacting from impartial people before I take legal action as I know it’s going to get nasty.