Lack of support from friends

[Amelion]

I’m feeling so disappointed in my friends.

I recently moved (5 hours away from home) for my husbands work - this was to get a better work life balance for him as he was at breaking point with his job, including the commute. He was exhausted, stressed and having panic attacks - it was really bad. He got a transfer doing the same job but much lower hours/less of a commute/better atmosphere.

He also has a really difficult relationship with his parents (low-contact) which hasn’t helped.

Some of my friends I told the reason we were moving.

We had a really bad week this week as we’re still settling in, he’s still struggling to get back on an even keel and he had to take two days off.

One of my friends sent me a long text about all the ins and outs of her week “took the kids to the park, saw my parents” etc and briefly asked how I and DH were. I said it had been a difficult week, DH had been really stressed, we had plans for the bank holiday but cancelled everything as he wasn’t up to it. Her response was “Bless him” (which I read as patronising but maybe wasn’t intended that way!) and then to go on “got a BBQ planned today, seeing a friend for coffee tomorrow” etc.

AIBU in expecting friends to acknowledge what’s going on? And respond with something a little more than that? Several of my other friends haven’t even checked in to see how things are going so overall I’m feeling really let down.

Why do you think that was patronising ?what would you expect her to say?

Do you expect her not to talk about their weekend ? She asked about yours

She isn't unsupportive. She s just telling you what she's up to!

Pressed too soon !

Regarding your other friends. You have moved away. Your relationship will not be the same. They are getting on with their own lives.

You need to make friends where you are.

Join a reading club or something that you feel comfortable to go to by yourself.

I've found that when distance is put between friends, they become much more detached from what is going on and sharing isn't so deep over time. Would she have been more supportive in person?

Still others just don't get it or don't know how to help.

You’ve moved 5 hours away for a better life, you can’t expect them to be checking in all the time. Your friend probably assumes he has his own friends checking in on him, she’s more your friend than his so it’s probably hard for her to no what to say.

It sounds like you are having a really rubbish time, it’s not your friends fault though. Hopefully things settle down with your DH, has he seen a doctor?

Sorry you are going through a tough time but I know what you wanted your friends to say or do. You've had some big changes so maybe everything seems a lot worse. Also it's regarding your dh, so maybe they felt like they couldn't ask more or would be prying.

Are you worried that he is too ill for the move to help? Friends are unlikely to get it unless they have been there. Have you got GP or the community team involved? Sounds like he might need that kind of support - knowing he has the right meds and care is about as good as support as you can expect in most cases. Don’t let your disappointment wreck your friendships even if you have to rethink some expectations.

That’s not a patronising response. It’s a response from someone who doesn’t want the details or doesn’t know what to say. I’m not sure what you’re expecting, you moved, you probably won’t see them often anymore, she did ask about him and acknowledged the difficulties.

Everyone's got stuff going on. Have you shared a lot about the problems and now you’ve moved - supposedly the answer to making things better - they hoped they wouldn’t keep hearing how hard your life is?

When I say they haven’t checked in, they haven’t sent a single message. In a month - I’m not expecting messages all the time.

My husband was really really in a bad way, they know that - and I’ve been struggling to manage - I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask how he’s going, how I am, whether things are getting better here.

These are friends of 20 years.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations but if I knew my friend’s husband was so unwell they had to move jobs/move miles away - I’d probably ask how things were going.

They did ask how things were going but it sounds like they didn't want to take the role of being your counsellor by pushing for details. Or they just didn't want to pry. Or they don't know what more to say. Have you considered looking for a support group for carers of people with MI? That kind of setting will give you a place to share fully with people who understand and might be better equipped to support you. It might also be a good place to meet new people in your new location.

Yes then they do seem shit if it's a month without any sort of concern. But for all of them to behave this way, maybe it's more along the lines of them not knowing what to say or thinking after such a drastic change that things would be better?

No I don’t share a lot - I told them the reason we were moving and what had been going on but I don’t ask for a lot of support generally. I’m usually the one listening to other peoples problems so it might be that they’re not in the habit of asking about mine, but after spending hours talking friends through their problems I’m disappointed that they don’t check in on me when I have problems.

Have they ignored your messages when you messaged them?

That does sound a bit rubbish but it’s a lot to expect people to take on, your friend asked and was sympathetic but I can see how it’s difficult going into detail on it. Did they all agree moving away when he was ill was the right thing to do?

Some people just move on when friends relocate, or they relocate themselves. All the things you said your friend shared with you are very surface level things - went to the park, meeting someone for coffee. Maybe this is how she envisages your friendship from now on?

Have you messaged them during this month?

Maybe they're really worried about you and don't know how to tell you without you getting defensive?

You've uprooted your family to somewhere where you presumably don't know anyone and your husband is still miserable.

I would find it very hard to say what I thought honestly if I were your friend.

Did you message them at all during the month with genuine interest in how they are doing? Did they have a chance to share their struggles?

Well we don’t have kids so there’s no ‘uprooting’ of family @Clymene . It’s just me and DH.

His job means he can only work in a very small number of locations so it was home or here - there was very little choice.

I can work more flexibly so have a new job.

I’ve text my friends as part of a group to say hey how are you all, not individually. I’ve sent a card to one friend who got a new job, she said thanks but didn’t ask how I was.

Not this month - I literally have been in the thick of it. I’m always the one in the group everyone goes to with their problems so I’m always there listening to them and checking in. I just feel like it’s not balanced if they don’t check in on me when I need it.

You've told your friend about your husband's issues, but have you told her how YOU are feeling?

If they are your friends and just know your husband through you, then they may not know what to say when you are talking about his mental health, particularly if it's so bad you have had to make a life changing decision. They may fear upsetting you and making things worse - lots of people do this when others are very ill. They say as little as possible simply because they don't know what to say.

Perhaps if you opened up to them about how hard you are finding things in looking after your husband, how much you miss being with them? What do you have in common with them? How did you meet? Could you use whatever brought you together as friends as a way to connect over the distance?

Even so, your friendships will change, you have moved far away, so you may grieve over the life you have left behind.

And yes he’s still unhappy but we still hope he will feel much better in time. The job is better, the commute is better etc.

But if you’ve ever experienced burnout you know it doesn’t just magically disappear when you get away from the situation. It’ll take months for him to recover realistically.

I guess it’s just not something that people understand.

I’m usually the one listening to other peoples problems so it might be that they’re not in the habit of asking about mine

As you say then, maybe they think you’re the sorter and don’t know how to deal with things when the dynamic changes and you’re the one in need.

If that’s the case then I’m sorry as that’s really hard and you need to find the support you need elsewhere.

I hope things improve for both of you.

Yes maybe I need to tell them more about the impact on me. I’ve been really struggling to manage things. I’ve taken on all the work (including all the moving stuff) as he hasn’t been able to. Our down time isn’t good - we haven’t planned anything as he has no energy. Our last holiday was crap as he didn’t want to do anything - no energy.

I get this. People tend to come to me and I offer support, but then you find they aren't willing to reciprocate and that the friendship wasn't what you thought it was. It's disappointing to have to revise your idea of what you thought was a closer friend than they obviously are.

I've also been on the end where people come to me when I'm going through a lot and they are so caught up in their own situation that they can't see what I am going through myself. Could your friends feel this way at all?

Messaging your friends through a group chat isn't very intimate and lends itself to surface engagement. Sometimes I find I can connect more with phone calls or instant message type chats. It's more personal.

OP i feel for you. It’s sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Sadly I think it’s fairly common out of sight out of mind. It sucks especially if they’re long term friends but they’ll continue with their lives and their friendship will now be different with you because of distance.

in your friendship have you always been the one to start contact or suggest meet ups etc? I’ve seen a few TikTok’s of people in friendships like that who just didn’t message for a while and they realised their friends didn’t bother with them. Showed the friendship was much more one sided than they had thought

I think when you move away (for whatever reason) you have to put the effort in to maintain friendships. Sorry but that's how it is.

Reach out to them individually perhaps? Send a photo or two of your new place so they feel a bit connected.

Are you planning to invite people to visit you when DH is (hopefully) better?