Lack of support from friends

[Amelion]

I’m feeling so disappointed in my friends.

I recently moved (5 hours away from home) for my husbands work - this was to get a better work life balance for him as he was at breaking point with his job, including the commute. He was exhausted, stressed and having panic attacks - it was really bad. He got a transfer doing the same job but much lower hours/less of a commute/better atmosphere.

He also has a really difficult relationship with his parents (low-contact) which hasn’t helped.

Some of my friends I told the reason we were moving.

We had a really bad week this week as we’re still settling in, he’s still struggling to get back on an even keel and he had to take two days off.

One of my friends sent me a long text about all the ins and outs of her week “took the kids to the park, saw my parents” etc and briefly asked how I and DH were. I said it had been a difficult week, DH had been really stressed, we had plans for the bank holiday but cancelled everything as he wasn’t up to it. Her response was “Bless him” (which I read as patronising but maybe wasn’t intended that way!) and then to go on “got a BBQ planned today, seeing a friend for coffee tomorrow” etc.

AIBU in expecting friends to acknowledge what’s going on? And respond with something a little more than that? Several of my other friends haven’t even checked in to see how things are going so overall I’m feeling really let down.

Thanks everyone.

Its good to see both sides.

I can see that sending individual messages is a good idea to try and reconnect.

I also get they have their own things going on.

I just think I’m surprised given that I’ve just moved and it’s a very obvious ‘big thing’ that they haven’t sent me messages. I know friendships change when you move away but I didn’t think it would be so abrupt (it’s a friendship group of 20 years). The onus seems to be on me to send them a message rather than them contact me.

I’m proactively trying to make new friends here as I want to have a more local social life, but yes I’ve told all my friends they would be very welcome to come visit and I’d love to see them etc.

If I had to guess, I would say that as your friends they care about you having had to uproot your life for your husband. Despite you having done this, he still isn't happy. They probably have strong feelings about this which they (possibly rightly) think you don't want to hear and/or are not best expressed in a message. It doesn't mean that they don't care but that they are worried/exasperated about your situation and husband and don't know how to be. I appreciate that's a massive leap but when you see a good friend struggling and believe it is due to their husband, stepping back and biting your tongue can feel like the best option. How would you react if they were to criticise your husband? Whatever the situation, I hope it works out well for you both

Why don't you tell them you are struggling and need some support? You can't expect them to dedicate the necessary time you want of them without them knowing there is a problem. You moved to fix a previous problem, if you haven't told them "I need you" how do they know? Ideally they'd be checking in but people have busy lives of working and / or have kids, pets, rejatyves etc etc

Yes maybe I need to tell them more about the impact on me. I’ve been really struggling to manage things. I’ve taken on all the work (including all the moving stuff) as he hasn’t been able to. Our down time isn’t good - we haven’t planned anything as he has no energy. Our last holiday was crap as he didn’t want to do anything - no energy.

You should absolutely tell them this. And tell them you miss them.

I have experienced burn out and it's horrible. I really feel for your husband. I also feel like you've given up - and taken on - an awful lot and made a huge drastic change without any upsides so far. Is he taking anti depressants?

Sorry read full thread and see someone has raised the point I made above already.,

I do hope things get better for you but 5 hours away is very far away. I think the earlier advice ti find new friends / groups / activities to do in the new area is a good one. & for a little while you perhaps need to do that without DH. Is there anything you have always wanted to do that he wouldn't want to do, perhaps this is the moment.

I've had friends move away, even as far away as abroad. The messages start off well, then they make new friends and stop replying. I've learned the hard way, that when friends move away, it's over and never the same again. I think you need to find new friends in the area, because 5 hours away is a barrier for your old friends. You seem to want them to keep asking how you both are, but why? You've said moving away will make him better, they've assumed that's what happened. But he's pretty much the same? Can he see a gp and seek private counselling? Think it might be good for him.

You need to phone someone and have an actual conversation. Texts are hard to gauge tone and severity. You also need to stop waiting for other people to do it. For all they know, you’re having a whale of a time, have made tons of new friends and forgotten all about them.

I mean, it’s only been a month. Burnout just doesn’t disappear as soon as you move away from the situation that was causing it. It’ll take months - realistically - for him to recover.

Its not that the move won’t make things better, it’s just that it doesn’t magically happen overnight.

I am making new friends, I’ve joined different clubs (running etc) with social things tied to them and have drinks planned with neighbours.

I get the relationship changes when you move away but a month after moving I would expect friends of 20+ years to still be in contact!

It may take more than just time though OP, has he seen a doctor? Before he had burnout from his job, now he has a huge amount of pressure for this to work after you’ve changed your job and moved house, 5 hours away, for him, what’s to say that won’t bother him next? Is he on medication? Of course it won’t happen over night and that’s fine, but having no energy to do normal activities and make plans suggests potentially more serious depression.

What else are you supposed to talk about?
no one I know lives are much interesting than that.
sometimes a date, sometimes a break-up, or something about kids.

I only ask, because I once started a thread here and people piled on me for being ”snoppy” to want to talk about other things than partners and kids..

Sad truth is that when you move away, you can find that a lot of people you thought were friends will just drift off quite quickly. They still have a full rich life there in your old life. You have just dropped in value as a friend enormously. For your good friends, keep in touch. But you simply cannot expect to be as important to them as you were.

To answer the question, yes he’s getting external help (counselling) and has seen his GP.

Well, I ask my friends how they are and if I know something major is going on (new job, new baby, house move stuff) I’d 100% ask. Obviously there’s also some filler about day to day stuff too, but I wouldn’t not ask if a friend was ok if they’d moved/they were having other major things going on.

You have to ask for what you want.

Have you been communicating how it’s going? have you told them it’s been tough and/or send texts asking for a handhold or a good time to call - if not start doing that.

Everyone is caught up in their own lives, they will be thinking you’ve made a great move and all is fine - unless you say otherwise.

i’d agree it would be nice to also have friends that check in, but you have to build that by being open and talking about yourself in the first place, so try and do a bit more of that in this new place.

Sounds like it’s a good move so good luck

Text your friends and see whose free to talk tomorrow

So contact them more, and tell them you are upset and feel cut off, that you feel let down.

If they are good friends they will be sorry and rally, and if they don't then you know where you stand.

I just said that because OP seems to want much deeper questions and conversation about how she is doing from her friends. Some relationships are like that, most aren't. Especially when it's a texting.

I don't think you're 'snoppy' to want to talk about things other than partners and kids. I appreciate someone who will do that! Most relationships aren't that deep though.

There are two pretty major strands to this op.

1. You have made a HUGE sacrifice to support your dh, moving 5 hours away is pretty devastating for your friendships. I only moved half of that 20 years ago and it had a massive impact on my friends and we barely see each other. Have you asked them how they feel about you going? I am sure they are upset. I understand your reasons and so would they, but your friendships will definitely not stay the same, and may not last at all. To expect them to continue as before is unrealistic. It won't be the same, and more than likely to drift over time unless you are very close.

2. Running away from your problems is unlikely to work I am sorry to say, and now you are without your support network as well, compounding the issues. Wherever he works he sounds like he is likely to be unwell, and the root doesn't sound like your location to me.

To me, it sounds like you have moved and your disappointment is going to part of the loss/restructuring, it is likely your friends won't be part of your life or future. I would not have even entertained the idea of moving so far away from the one network that you have, in your circumstances. New friends won't be able to offer the kind of friendship you need for a few years, you won't know them well enough. Your dh sounds in bad shape.

Are you renting or have bought your new house?

@Swayingpalmtrees it’s less about ‘running away from problems’ and much more about changing the situation that was causing the problem. Solving the problem.

DH works in an extremely specialist, qualification required, well paid role. He can’t just ‘look for another job’ like a lot of people can. He’s not a medic but it’s a bit like a consultant surgeon working at a understaffed, poorly funded, city centre hospital and moving to the private sector or a different hospital or something. Completely different experience. I imagine teachers that move from an inner city state school to private might have a similar sort of thing.

In his previous place, he was working about twice the number of hours than he is now. The nature of the work was different. He was commuting 1.5 hours. In the new place - 15 minute drive. Better environment.

Im very confident that the change in work will resolve a lot of the issues - chronic fatigue, burnout, etc.

It was a very carefully thought out decision and given the specifics of his work it’s not the same sort of decision the vast majority of people would have to make. I’ve had work stress and been able to just look for another job - without having to move etc - his work is very very different.

My friends know this and his job and the fairly unique situation we are in.

I get friendships change completely - I don’t expect to have the same relationship having moved away. But these are friends of 20 years, bridesmaids at each other’s weddings etc so it just seems very abrupt to move and not hear anything. I would certainly check in with a friend if they moved to see how they were getting on - especially in the circumstances.

Your expectations versus reality are not matching op.

Your friends have feelings of their own about you leaving (I say this as the person whom moved away) and may wish to protect themselves/take time to recover and may not want to stay in close contact now. In our experience some people take it personally, like a rejection almost. I felt hurt that my friends didn't check in with us (our reasons were much more serious than yours) and we hardly ever saw them unless we drove down to visit, certainly no one made the effort to drive to us. We didn't get check in messages at all. To be fair we were to be busy/stressed to care at the time.
I have known the same friends forever, some for 30 plus years. What I have realised is people have their own lives, feelings, priorities, they will be busy filling the 'you' space and gap in their lives and when someone moves away the onus is generally on them to do the keeping in touch/visiting. A handful of my friends remain today, the rest have become Christmas and birthday card friends, one or two send whatsapp messages and texts but mostly we are now living different lives.

By choosing to prioritise your dh's health, understandably, you have chosen to leave your own life behind. The strain you are feeling is the abrupt loss of your life, your friends and the stable life you once had. You are now dealing with everything on your own, and that is not going to be easy.

I very much hope the change is enough to make your dh better op, but in most cases it really isn't the magic bullet. If it was just burn out, then maybe the new job would be enough, but mental health is a far deeper and broader issue to deal with.

That is just my view and I am sorry it really probably isn't something you want to here. Making a new life as quickly as possible, as you have been doing with ease some of the feelings, and arranging some in person get togethers with your old friends will probably elicit more empathy and support.

**hear

YANBU.

You sound like you’re hurting that friends of yours of 20 odd years could ‘forget’ you so easily particularly when you are going through something incredibly tough with DH and you obviously wanted to do the best for him and put his health first.

You sound like you’re prob an excellent friend given this tbh but you probably don’t have much left in the ol’ emotional tank to give?
Time for friends to step up and read between the lines in my book. They should know you well enough after 20 years. You sound the type who isn’t good at asking for help and is outwardly self sufficient as you have to be.

you are dealing with the fallout of a shit show largely alone. A partner with MH issues isn’t a partner in many ways and you must feel very lonely.

I would feel the same.

if you’re in South Wales come to mine for a cuppa, stomp round a mountain and a vent

I read and understood all of your reasons for moving, but given you have no children, no family nearby and not a single friend there and your dh sounds very unwell - I would not have moved. I am sorry op. Old friends are a life line, and can't easily be replaced.

Perhaps I am alone thinking that was a really crap response from your friend. I would've been pissed off as well. I would start looking around locally for things to do where I might make new friends.

It would be nice if they showed a bit more interest, but the reality is you chose to move far away from them because it suited you. They lost a friend and gained nothing, and they may not have felt it was a great decision, or likely to solve your husband's problems. They are not unwise to focus on their own lives rather than helping you settle into a new life that doesn't really include them.