Dd(11) inappropriate friendship

[Moroccobanks]

Dd is 11, met a new friend at senior school who she has become very close with to the point I’m concerned it’s too full on for her age.

She struggled with friendships a bit in primary and was just friends with everyone, never had one person to invite on days out or round for dinner so this is a sudden change

They’re spending every single day together and when they can’t be together they’re FaceTiming each other but as well as being inseparable I’m concerned they’re just being way too grown up and inappropriate with eachother. Sharing really personal things and being in the bathroom while the over is showering for example.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this behaviour say 14/15+ I’m just concerned she’s too young.

They’re both really lovely girls and if it was impacting her behaviour or her school work I would have a reason to limit the friendship but because it’s not I feel like I would just be doing to be mean. I do feel really uncomfortable with it though and can imagine it leading to problems.

AIBU? Would you be uncomfortable?

If the other girl was pressuring your daughter to spend all this time together I'd be concerned but it sounds like your daughter is relishing her new friend. Watch and wait would be my advice . Also try and limit the screen time

Do you think it’s a lesbian relationship ?

When I was 11 I'd stay over at my best friends house and it wouldn't have been unheard of for one to be in the shower and the other one in the loo. Nobody thought anything sordid of it either and it certainly didn't mentally scar me. Though there were no mobile phones back then, we were inseparable. Always chatting on the landline or MSN messenger. How the world has changed that two decades later its deemed inappropriate.

I definitely had relationships like this at this age so quite normal. But because it is new to your daughter rather than her having a few years of it in primary too, you probably need to have a good chat with her about not feeling pressured to over share things she doesn't want to and how to handle friendship in general.

I don't see why the problem. What about just mentioning other girls, other friendships incase this girl was off sick : the relationship fizzled out?

I think young girls friendships at that age can be quite intense. I don’t think there is much you can do tbh. She is doing well at school and she is happy.

I’d be happy for your daughter. It sounds like no one at primary really clicked with her enough to be a best friend and now finally after years of waiting, she’s found another girl she can be best mates with.

I would continue to monitor things and have conversations with her about what they are talking about /up to and so on just to make sure the new friend continues to be good for her. And also to help her navigate any disagreements or failings out that may be around the corner.

So long as they are both happy and doing well at school, I don’t think it’s that unusual. I had friendships like this in my adolescence. My best friend and me from senior school were like this all through high school to our early twenties. I sometimes think that if general life, jobs and relationships hadn’t got in the way we’d still be like this 😂.

FaceTiming while showering? No.
I would also make a point of getting to know the other girls parents.

Or did I mis-read that? Physically being there? I think my reaction is the same.

Although i wouldn't interfere with the friendship i would set some boundaries around Internet safety such as you don't facetime when in the bathroom as these can be screen recorded and sent to anyone

How does a situation arise where one girl is in the shower and the other girl is sitting in the bathroom with her?

I don’t think that’s normal at all.

m I know quite a few 10-11/12 year old girls and none of them would take a shower and allow their friend to be in the bathroom at the same time for no other reason than to chat.

Intense friendships at this age are totally normal but the showering issue is one step too far in my opinion.

I was joined at the hip to my best friend aged 11-13. I think it’s common for girls that age, though not necessarily healthy as it did exclude other friendships and she wasn’t very pleasant to me in the final stages.

I would tread carefully - what do you propose you do? Your daughter has found a new friendship which she’s clearly enjoying any pressure to close that down will not put you in a good position to help if it was to go sour.

I had a lot of budding friendships at that age, some still to this day, others just ran their course, so you might not need to do anything, at the moment you only have concerns rather than anything negative to give you a reason to intervene. I’d just keep an eye, ask your daughter unpressed questions about her friendship, reassure her that you’re happy she’s got a friend like this, give her the platform to come to you as she gets older to speak about anything she’s worried about. Bulldozing in right now I suspect would only push her closer to her friend and away from you.

I had an intense friendship at this age. We didn’t shower in front of each other but did go to the loo together 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think it’s a first foray into romantic relationships, really. I didn’t feel any lesbian desires but I did absolutely love her.

As long as your daughter is happy and not being pressured, I agree with “watch and wait”.

I will add that my own daughter has a new bf since starting secondary school and I’ve told her to just be aware of not excluding others.

Totally normal at this age to have intense friendships.

I was just like this. Didn't have any best friends at primary school. Had really low confidence and thought I just wasn't likeable. Got to secondary school, immediately clicked with someone. We had a very intense and totally loving friendship. It lasted about 2 years then I moved schools. We eventually lost touch. Taught me so much about great female friendships and I went on to have loads of great friendships, probably as a result. Also hugely boosted my confidence!

Yes, I agree with this. Plus, we always had a shower curtain, not a glass screen, so you couldn’t see anything anyway.

I remember coming home from school and getting straight on the phone to my best friend and chatting for hours! Ah the good old days before internet

It's totally normal for girls to share "really personal stuff" with their female friends. I definitely do and have done since I was your daughter's age.

I don’t think showering together is appropriate at all and while you can’t stop her sharing personal things it would concern me as well.

The major problem with something like the shower thing is that once an adult has given the green light to it - which saying and doing nothing is - then it blurs boundaries and the unhappy party feels pressured to go along with it as ‘even mum is OK with it.’

In any event I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a pretty firm rule regarding privacy in bathrooms. (It’s actually something I’ve had to tell DH not to do) and I do think you should be drawing a line here.

I think this is fine and even now my best girlfriends from school still go to the loo together, chat in the shower. On my hen do I had a bath whilst 3 girls did their make up in the bathroom mirror, went to the loo etc. I think it's just part of being a girl

I don't think there is anything unusual about this. I had a very close friendship with girl at a similar age. We were like sisters, probably more like conjoined twins!

As others have said, intense friendships are pretty normal for girls that age. My best friend and I spent hours on the phone, wrote each other immensely long letters, had frequent sleepovers, and still told our parents how cruel they were to let us spend so little time together!

Unlike some PPs, our friendship never turned nasty. The intensity faded naturally as we got older, but we're still good friends.

Don't you shower next to other women at the pool/gym? It's really no big deal for two people of the same gender I would have thought