Dd(11) inappropriate friendship

[Moroccobanks]

Dd is 11, met a new friend at senior school who she has become very close with to the point I’m concerned it’s too full on for her age.

She struggled with friendships a bit in primary and was just friends with everyone, never had one person to invite on days out or round for dinner so this is a sudden change

They’re spending every single day together and when they can’t be together they’re FaceTiming each other but as well as being inseparable I’m concerned they’re just being way too grown up and inappropriate with eachother. Sharing really personal things and being in the bathroom while the over is showering for example.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this behaviour say 14/15+ I’m just concerned she’s too young.

They’re both really lovely girls and if it was impacting her behaviour or her school work I would have a reason to limit the friendship but because it’s not I feel like I would just be doing to be mean. I do feel really uncomfortable with it though and can imagine it leading to problems.

AIBU? Would you be uncomfortable?

On the showering thing. It could be audio FaceTime with no video. So clarify that as many people use the free software to do audio chats not just video chats. I’d only worry about video because it isn’t secure and could be recorded and end up anywhere. Not because the friend could see anything.

But, I would not think it inappropriate to be there IRL and the friend to be in the bathroom while the other showered if they’re both comfortable with it. Growing up we had open group showers after swimming or the gym in school and so nudity/showering around other girls/women isn’t necessarily a taboo thing imho.

My dd has had a best friend since 6, they talk most days as young adults (different universities each end of the country). As youngsters they would certainly be in the bathroom at the same time - both her parents and us had a pretty liberal and laid back approach to parenting and also had no locks etc, being German nudity isn't a big deal either, communal changing and naked swimming is just what happens.

Would that be a problem?
Not having sex obviously at 11 but a crush ?

Except for being together in the bathroom, this sounds like a standard best friend relationship.

I remember having very intense relationships at this age. In fact, throughout my school life I always seemed to have one very close friend that I spent all my time with, rather than a large group with lots of lukewarm friendships.

I also remember questioning my sexuality a lot at this age, as puberty was kicking in.

It seems perfectly normal. Just continue to be supportive.

I'm still best friends with my friend from when I was 11, 40 years on! Leave them to it.

How old is the other girl? You don’t specify, it could be from 11 -18, that’s makes quite a difference.

Intense friendship = fine, but try and keep other friendships going too, in case this one burns out.

FaceTiming (anyone) while partially / wholly unclosed in the loo or shower = not ok. Although maybe they're got the cameras off so I suppose it's then no different to being on the phone (and I do regularly phone friends while I'm in the bath - it's the only time I get undisturbed to myself!).

Sounds totally normal. At that age I used to meet my best friend at her house to walk to school together, spend all day at school together, go to the park or each other’s houses after school then come home and talk on MSN until bedtime! Even used to put phone on speaker so we could chat in tue bath. Fuck knows what we used to talk to each other about for that length of time but I do think intense friendships are normal.

For what it’s worth, I am now bi and to my knowledge she’s straight. I definitely had a bit of a crush at her at the time but it was in a very innocent way. I just thought she was pretty and wanted to cuddle her and be best friends forever. So if you’re worried about that aspect, yes, they might like each other but I doubt it’s in an “adult” way.

Met my bestfriends at 12yrs old.

I showered with my friends in the room. We spoke constantly - telephone every evening as soon as we got home from school. Stayed at each others house every weekend. Did each others make-up. Told each other everything. We made fashion disasters together. So many photos and memories of our life together growing up.

20yrs later we were bridesmaids at each others weddings. We house shared after uni. We did our first girl holidays together. We looked out for each other. Kept each other safe on nights out at 18yrs. We defended one another.

Having strong and intense friendships like that mean that bullies can't touch you, they don't shake your confidence in the same way. It's when you feel isolated that bullies can get to your core.

We have all grown up into very different people but I don't think I'd be the person I am today without that very intense and close friendship that I could count on and still count on.

It’s great that your DD is getting to experience and cherish a wonderful friendship for the first time.

How do you know that they share personal stuff and how are judging if it’s over-sharing?

Do you feel excluded or pushed out from your DDs emotional life?

Could it be the shift in your relationship with her as she grows up and makes connections with others that is making you uncomfortable?

Do you have or have you had similar close female friendships?

Obviously keep an eye on HER mood - is she is happy and upbeat or anxious and overwhelmed?

It sounds normal to me - I had a very similar friendship with my best friend at the same age.

We slept over at each other's houses most weekends, often used the bathroom together, changed in front of each other, talked constantly on MSN and later, by text. We were always on the phone to each other or hanging out together.

Lasted the entire way through school until we left for university at eighteen and ended up 6-8 hours apart!

This is also my experience. It’s a lifelong blessing which enriches you for a long time when boyfriends, husbands, jobs etc come and go - even parents passing and sibling rivalry / IL issues later in life you have the consistency of girlfriends (if you are lucky) - these are the people you have chosen at an important time in your life and reflect who you are at your core.

I love hearing the hoots of laughter from my teenage DDs bedrooms when they are gassing away to their mates.

No not weird at all, actually has given me fond memories of when I started senior school and met my best friend. We would spend the summer holidays doing sleepovers every day and were furious if one parent said no, chatted constantly, had showers at the same time and went to the toilet too! I remember once having a bath tougher eating a pack of Doritos although I think we did wear a bikini that time…. How gross :D

I'm happy she finally found a friend. No I wouldn't interfere. Yes best friendships are so intense, I agree. It's normal and really wouldn't worry.

You are not doing it to be mean. You are doing it because you are a parent and 11yos do not always make good choices. Limit the Facetiming. Talk to her about appropriate boundaries re. the showering. Explain why it’s good to have a wider circle of friends.

I love hearing the hoots of laughter from my teenage DDs bedrooms when they are gassing away to their mates.

Me too. They get proper belly laughs.

Normal IME and good for development. Nothing about this would worry me. Be approachable and ask gentle questions if you want to but other than that leave them to enjoy the closeness.

All my friendships were like this in terms of the phone time / bathroom etiquette albeit adjust for 80s -90s technology. I don't even think they were particularly intense friendships and our parents didn't seem to think it was weird. Tbh even now at nearly 40 I'd be happy to do some of those things with those friends 😂 maybe you're finding it odd because it's a new friendship formed around the same time as puberty etc is beginning? The friends I was like this with I had had since primary school when something like sharing a bath would have been quite normal and we just carried on. We are still friends now