To want to leave DH even though I love him?

[MrsHughesPinny]

Name changed for anonymity because DH knows my other one. We’ve been married for 5 years, both in our early 40s. I have a child about to leave for uni who does not belong to DH but they get along well.

I’ve just had enough. I love the man, but he’s making me miserable. I’ll try to be succinct.

• I’m the main earner and always have been but he used to earn more. He changed jobs when the pandemic started and he’s fine to just coast along now earning just over NMW. The new job is easier than his previous self employment and his standard of living hasn’t changed because I got a new job meaning our HH income stayed the same. He has no motivation and I feel short changed that I’ve worked hard to progress my career and my standard of living hasn’t improved.
• He does almost nothing around the house. He has to take care of the rubbish and the cars, but he won’t unless I remind him it’s bin day tomorrow/the car tax is due next month etc. Finances, cleaning, shopping, planning holidays etc are all down to me.
• He’s a messy bastard. Leaves clothes all over the floor next to the hamper (rage!), dishes, leaves lights on all over the place, tissues, drink cans. Drives me mental. He claims he doesn’t notice when things need picking up and I have unreasonably high standards.
• He is obese (this in itself isn’t an issue, he was when we met) but he gained another four stone over the past two years and won’t walk anywhere or do anything outdoors. I love walking, and I know he won’t go on long walks but even half a mile around a museum is too much for him now.
• He is 100% reliant on me for his happiness and needs. I fear I am unwittingly enabling this, but he’s so miserable all the time. He’s been on antidepressants since shortly after we met, but so am I and I have been since long before I met him.

I love him, we get on well, have lots in common, but he is literally taking everything—mental, physical, emotional, financial—that I have and it feels unsustainable.

It’s not unreasonable to ever leave someone if they’re not making you happy. If you do love him, maybe you need to have a conversation about all the points you’ve raised first but you’re under no obligation to stay.

We’ve talked about it for so long. We have been in counselling for about a year and even our counsellor told him he’s going to lose me unless he changes. He’ll try for a week or so after an appointment then slide right back to where we were.

Do you just need our permission?

Here's mine, if it helps. The relationship is not making you happy, he's not your child's father, you're not dependent on him financially. Just go.

Do you want permission? Of course it’s harder said than done! But it looks like it has to be done doesn’t it.
Can’t you be friends still maybe? How about a trial separation? Are you worried you won’t find better or that he will spiral out of control? What’s kept you from leaving already?

May be have a trial separation. If you both love each other it might be just the thing to bring you closer/ motivate him to be more involved.

You only get one life. You are allowing him to waste yours..
Allow you a life.
Get one.
If it doesn't include him that isn't technically your fault.
Ltb.

It’s not about needing permission, per se. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m giving up on him and our marriage, which isn’t what marriage is supposed to be about. I suppose I feel like I’m being selfish. I can just see this being a long and unhappy life for me.

I genuinely worry what would happen to him if I left him.

The longer you leave it, the worse it will be.
You’re both getting older. He might get sick & then, yes, you’ll be nursing the lazy so-an-so.
Get out whilst you can. Get a place nearby and just be good friends ….. if you must.
It sounds untenable so here’s my permission too.
Feel the fear & do it anyway.

Marriage should be about you both supporting and carrying each other. Sounds like he hasn't done his share of supporting for a long time. It's not selfish to stop carrying both of you

And yep, I understand the guilt feelings. My ex was similar and I eventually left when I was drained from carrying the relationship for us both. I felt guilty at the time. And I am so so much happier now, although I do still feel guilty sometimes. But not guilty enough to be happy to be free

It's true that marriage shouldn't be about giving up. But it's also true that marriage involves 2 people and if the second person won't do anything to facilitate a happy marriage it is not "giving up" to call time.

The selfishness of your p is astonishing. He is happy to let you work super hard while he takes his foot even further off the accelerator. He's lazy. He thinks your "standards are too high". They aren't. But even if they were, if he really loved and respected you he would at least meet you half way.

The thing is you’re not giving up. He is making no effort at all despite knowing these things are making you unhappy. You’d probably be happier on your own than with someone who is just taking from you.

You don't need an excuse to leave (even though you have several very good reasons). You deserve the freedom to do what will make you happy.

If it makes you feel better, he's not happy at the moment either. You being there is enabling him to keep living in the way that he's living and that's making both of you miserable, not just you.

He'll either find a new prop to be codependent with, or he'll actually have to take responsibility for himself, which could be the best thing that ever happened to him.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Continuing his dependence on you helps neither of you.

With all due respect & care OP - he doesn't seem to worry about what's happening to you while you're with him. He could be engaging to make more of an effort with anything; his mental health, his physical health, his work, the household jobs, the finances but he doesn't. I appreciate he has struggles with his mental health but while those are not his fault they ARE his responsibility.

Op my ex husband was like this exactly. We separated a few years ago now. I've never looked back tbh best thing I ever did immediately 40s and wasn't about too waste any longer. I'm still single snd happily so,he moved on within a few months to a woman who's obviously happy with a lazy cock lodger.
Ltb op don't waste time by letting him drag you down.

You’d only be ‘giving up on him’ if you hadn’t repeatedly explained why you aren’t happy, hadn’t given him opportunities to be an equal partner, hadn’t tried counselling and hadn’t had even the counsellor warning him he’d lose you. How many hints / conversations / warnings does he need? He’s not going to change his character: this is him. You aren’t compatible. You have a right to find happiness with someone with whom you are compatible, not stay with him so that he can be content and your own expense.

*at

Run like hell, girl.

If you've told him how you feel and given him ample opportunity to change then it sounds like it won't ever get any better than this. You'll end up leaving him in the future anyway, but it might be more acrimonious by then - not to mention more wasted time. You only get one life

What is the point of him?

He's like a dementor, sucking you dry in every single aspect - financially, emotionally, practically.

You only get one life.

If you end it he will probably lose weight and start being an adult.

Presumably he was a fully functioning adult when you met that cleaned and tidied up after himself?

@RandomMess I guarantee it! He was, although he has been a bit of a serial monogamist, never single for very long. You seldom think of that being a red flag…

@decayingmatter You’re absolutely right. That’s how I feel. He’s sucking the life out of me.

@FlippityFlapperty I don’t know what more it will take either. I think he’s just that confident that I love him. I’ve made a rod for my own back. If he didn’t take the counsellor seriously I don’t know what will work.

Thank you all for the wisdom so far. Rationally, I know you’re all right. I do feel sad about it all though. I lay in bed at night imagining living in a lovely clean, tidy, quiet small home by myself—hardly an elaborate fantasy but it sounds superb!

I’m already once divorced, I just feel embarrassed and like a failure.

@Elliania You're quite right. I don’t know why I’m struggling to put myself first here. It feels like I’m being selfish instead of self-preserving, if that makes sense?