To want to leave DH even though I love him?

[MrsHughesPinny]

Name changed for anonymity because DH knows my other one. We’ve been married for 5 years, both in our early 40s. I have a child about to leave for uni who does not belong to DH but they get along well.

I’ve just had enough. I love the man, but he’s making me miserable. I’ll try to be succinct.

• I’m the main earner and always have been but he used to earn more. He changed jobs when the pandemic started and he’s fine to just coast along now earning just over NMW. The new job is easier than his previous self employment and his standard of living hasn’t changed because I got a new job meaning our HH income stayed the same. He has no motivation and I feel short changed that I’ve worked hard to progress my career and my standard of living hasn’t improved.
• He does almost nothing around the house. He has to take care of the rubbish and the cars, but he won’t unless I remind him it’s bin day tomorrow/the car tax is due next month etc. Finances, cleaning, shopping, planning holidays etc are all down to me.
• He’s a messy bastard. Leaves clothes all over the floor next to the hamper (rage!), dishes, leaves lights on all over the place, tissues, drink cans. Drives me mental. He claims he doesn’t notice when things need picking up and I have unreasonably high standards.
• He is obese (this in itself isn’t an issue, he was when we met) but he gained another four stone over the past two years and won’t walk anywhere or do anything outdoors. I love walking, and I know he won’t go on long walks but even half a mile around a museum is too much for him now.
• He is 100% reliant on me for his happiness and needs. I fear I am unwittingly enabling this, but he’s so miserable all the time. He’s been on antidepressants since shortly after we met, but so am I and I have been since long before I met him.

I love him, we get on well, have lots in common, but he is literally taking everything—mental, physical, emotional, financial—that I have and it feels unsustainable.

Just tell him it's a deal breaker and he's taking the piss paying lip service and not changing. He doesn't believe you'll end it, how many chances have you already given him?

He has given up on the marriage though by not making you happy . He is overweight and can't do hobbies you enjoy and doesn't help!

@RandomMess We’re now on number three. So by the rules of baseball, this is it.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm

I've never heard that expression before but it's well worth remembering.

Sorry @MrsHughesPinny you sound lovely and caring, but obviously, by posting this, you're approaching crisis point and despite counselling, he isn't really trying.

You can't go on like this and you know it. It's not going to get any better.

I think you should just go. You only get one life and you can't be expected to live like this.he won't change and it's not an equal partnership. He is one of these who will sit up when you actually separate and start saying he'll definitely change after its much too late.
There are no signs that he respects you at all.

Hi OP. I too was with a man like that, second marriage and I probably dragged it on for too long because I was mortified over having yet another failed marriage. Well no one died and the ground didn’t open up and swallow me because I’ve two failed marriages behind me. I’m late 40s now and never been happier.